damnedifido Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Hi All. My (STBX) g/f really loves Christmas. We agreed months ago that we would host Christmas with my parents and her parents joining us. She's contracted a friend to re-decorate our bathroom in anticipation of this. She's also been booking us into many dates in the diary - parties, friends and so on and been excitedly making cards, buying presents - the usual. She's also been planning for my B'day (in a few days). For weeks I've been holding off having "that chat" (see other posts) because of other major stresses in her life (primarily work). The other week I finally opened up to my own parents who know how unhappy I am and that a break up is inevitable. They were sad, but mostly for me, and they agreed with the sentiment and reasoning. For my part, it was a major weight off my mind. I don't know how I can face another Christmas of fake jollity - we were in counselling last year - and not least, how we can spend Christmas as a "family", especially now my own parents know the situation. Equally, how can I (frankly) destroy Christmas for her? I don't mind being a ba*tard of the highest order - it's the thought of hurting her so much which is stopping me. It's hard to explain, but I know how miserable she would be spending Christmas alone with her parents - there are deep family issues. But, inaction is eating me up inside. It's killing me not raising the topic. Advice is very much welcomed.
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I say do the deed ASAP. She and her family issues are not your problem anymore! You'll be moving I take it, be speedy about that. Why have you been waiting for months if you know?
amaysngrace Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I would wait and fake it for a little bit longer. In three weeks it'll all be over. Suck it up.
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 It's a 10 year relationship, she's unlikely to believe him no matter what the timing. By having the talk, friends can learn of her misery and still continue w scheduled plans. After 10 years, I doubt you'd actually pull the ripcord prior to Christmas but she is aware of your dissatisfaction.
Author damnedifido Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 @Balzac No, I won't be moving. She will be. It's my house (see other thread). That only adds to the situation as you can imagine.
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I know it's your house and I should have written with greater clarity. Of course she'll be moving to her own place. I think there is merit to having the talk, how realistic is it to change the locks that day? The task can be staged ahead of time, it's a matter of how quickly you wish her to vanish.
amaysngrace Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Breaking up with her three weeks before Christmas is a dick move.
keith99 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 OMG I'm kind of in the same boat. I broke up with my wife 9 months ago but we are working on getting back together. My problem is I have a girlfriend now and my parents and I really dont want to ruin Xmas. Mines worse as I left australia to move back to the UK and I have a child with my ex wife. I am at a loss what to do
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 This woman wants marriage and babies after a five year no sex gig. Granted OP has stayed in the game but why continue?
mammasita Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I agree with above, at the very least have the talk and go through the motions of the Holiday. You have to have the talk. Don't go through the Holidays pretending that you are ok.
amaysngrace Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 This woman wants marriage and babies after a five year no sex gig. Granted OP has stayed in the game but why continue? Because breaking up now is cruel. He should wait. If he's hung in there for this many years he can tough it out for three more weeks. What's the difference? Besides being a nice guy or a major dick?
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 It's going to be a change of life for her in most every way. How the law provides for her after 10 years I don't know. I can see where you're coming from, I just disagree. He needs to have the talk w her. They need to come to terms with what moment he changes the locks. How much contact they have after the talk is his decision.
amaysngrace Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 If he cares about her at all it'll ruin his holidays by knowing he caused her pain and suffering. Plus the drama. He should wait.
Sav Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I agree that you should suck it up for awhile longer. Break up after christmas, it's only a little while more
KatZee Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Yeah I agree with the waiting. I mean obviously based on your post things have been bad for a while. Did you really have to wait until the month of the holidays to make a move? Why not last month? Or the month before that? Or the month before that? I agree it's a huge dick move to do it now. You had plenty of time to end it previously. Wait until after the holidays. It's great that you don't care about being an a.sshole but think of the other person. Do you really want to ruin the way she views Christmas from here on out? Because that's what will happen. Every year will be, "Oh remember when I got dumped on Christmas?!"
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I take it from the majority consensus here that Christmas is the big holdup. So I ask, who wants to toast in The New Year with a woman you know you are moving out? Is he to fall on his sword into Jan? Just curious how the "wait" crowd views as his optimal time.
amaysngrace Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I take it from the majority consensus here that Christmas is the big holdup. So I ask, who wants to toast in The New Year with a woman you know you are moving out? Is he to fall on his sword into Jan? Just curious how the "wait" crowd views as his optimal time. Why the urgency to do it three weeks before? What's the difference in your opinion?
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Oh I guess pragmatically thinking, time off of work, family around for support and help to get a housing plan for her. That's a separate issue from emotional honesty. Faking it once a decision has been reached seems dishonest. It's unlikely in this case that he tells her and she's gone within an hour. OP has not stated his plan. In my mind he can have the talk, agree to some period of adjustment, pick a drop dead date. I get that we have different view points. This woman knows that marital problems are on the table. They have engaged in marital counseling. He has identified his need for sexual intimacy. She's now talking taking the next two steps of marriage & babies.
veggirl Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I would do it now. How is it any better to fake a Christmas and then dump her what..on New years?? So she can look back at her Christmas she planned and realize "holy s.hit that was all fake, he was just waiting" and feel like a friggin moron? Just do it now, life is rough and things don't always pan out on a great time-table. 2
kyle77 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 In my experience, december 9th is the cut-off....if you're together after december 9th you better be together until at least a few days after new years.
Treasa Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I think you should tell her now. My ex ex broke up with me a couple of days after his birthday - a birthday that I spent a lot of money and time on. I made a really awesome cake for him, and I'm not the type to bake. The first thought I had after he broke up with me was, "Why didn't you do this four days ago, you SOB? Then I could have at least smashed the cake in your face." Tell her now so that she can start her New Year hopefully over you, or somewhat over you, and with a fresh start to 2013. 2
Treasa Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I forgot to mention that when he broke up with me, it was a week before our six-year anniversary. There's always going to be SOMETHING coming up. She's an adult. She'll be able to handle it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I assure you. 1
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