BetrayedH Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 “With all due respect, people with failed marriages have made mistakes - which means they've learned a few things from their prior actions. Failure doesn't come without having learned a few lessons” Agreed -100% “However, it could be a valuable tool if you were to tell your husand that you found yourself extremely attracted to the coworker which means you both need to work on things at home so you're more fulfilled and not so easily led into temptation like you were” Agreed. I wouldn’t dispute with you whether it was ‘love’ or ‘crush’ though I believe it was love. Many of you wonder whether I actually cheated. The worst I did was finding official excuses to talk to him (once a month, and it was of course ‘official’ and he willingly did it) You can decide what it was from my first post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/347033-should-i-continue-him-friend The problem is I am still at the same place, perhaps worse when I saw him last. (It’s two months passed now and not over it yet) .I cannot function at work and I’m well below the target. Mine is a lonely job in front of a computer whole day, with minimum interaction with others. When I come home I just want to lye and don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like, I want to be a housewife, not going to work, not helping my husband’s freelance work. I feel drained. However when I spend time with my son, I’m quite happy. When I lay in my husband’s arms these miserable feelings drop to the minimum, but how can a man hold his wife 24 hrs a day? Is my mental condition normal? Do you think there’s anyone more suitable other than my husband to talk about this? Do I need professional help? I’m of cause sick, I get headache every evening from two months back. The headache subsided when I decided to talk to my husband. I think you are battling depression. You should discuss it with a therapist. As for the other man, you were emotionally investing in that fantasy relationship. It's not easy to let go. Going "no contact" with that person is the best way to detach. That said, you also need to try to reah a point where you are in "mental no contact" with him, too. Stop investing your thoughts towards this fantasy. You are married. You're still emotionally investing yourself into him by wondering "what if?" When you find yourself giving him headspace, envision a stop sign and force yourself to redirect your thoughts. I recommend you redirect them toward your husband. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. I also agree with the previous poster that said to discuss this crush with your husband. Give him a chance to step up to the plate and hit a home run with you. Tell him that you don't want anyone coming between you because your marriage means more to you than anything. I don't think you need to "confess" anything but you do need to work on your marriage together. Why keep him in the dark? He's your partner.
LoveMyWifey Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) I have been in your Husbands situation myself and my wife, who was my g/f at the time felt the same. I was working alot and traveled far. I was comsumed by computer games when I was home but we loved eachother dearly. I thought things were fine. She didn't, she had had a strong emotional and initmate relationship with an old friend who was very understanding of her. She felt terrible inside and she owed her life to this friend as he literally stopped her from killing herself and was a very dear friend to her since. She felt torn between me and her friend, when she would try to stop the flirtation it would eventually get to that point again. Please forgive me as I am not trying to hijack your thread, what I am saying is that when I found out I was crushed. She explained how she felt but didn't tell me that this had been going on and off over a few years. I later discovered that it had and it was the fact that she wasn't completely honest with me and was willing to hold onto this lie for the rest of our lives which hurt the most. I felt like our love was based on a lie. My honest oppinion would be that you owe it to your Husband to explain how you feel and explain that you had developed a emotional friendship with your friend. Perhaps explain that you need that kind of intimate bond with him. Because lets face it, the longer your friendship went on, the more likely it would have become an affair. Your Husband needs to understand that his deep friendship, respect and support of his Wife is his highest priority because without our Wife, it feels that there is nothing to live for. So to speak. I took my Wife for granted and I love her more now than ever, if I had not found out about the other man, I beleive that although she is commited to me and loves me completely, that she would have eventually left me because she just needed more than I was giving to her. Give your Husband the chance to step up the the plate, he may supprise you. Edited December 17, 2012 by LoveMyWifey 3
Author kamani Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 You are not hijacking my thread, it is very useful. I think myself and your wife have common signs other than that she had gone too far. " I later discovered that it had and it was the fact that she wasn't completely honest with me and was willing to hold onto this lie for the rest of our lives which hurt the most. I felt like our love was based on a lie." This is the reason why I want to discuss. "I took my Wife for granted and I love her more now than ever," This is true for my husband. I hope he would be as understanding as you, when I talk to him. We still couldn't talk, house is still full of my relatives on vacation. However his eyes are filled with sadness, sighs a lot and I am so sorry. Unlike before, since I told I wanted to talk to him, he strokes my hair till I fall asleep, holds me very tightly in his arms. Let's hope the best.
Radu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Here's a tough question for you, if the guy did not get transferred would you have cheated beyond the emotional level ? Would you have had the strength to stop it ? Be honest about it. I think you two have issues, and i think this might work well ... as a wake-up call.
Author kamani Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 What do you mean by "beyond emotional level"? I would NEVER cheat my husband physically. Nor would my collegue, I am sure 100%
Mint Sauce Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 We still couldn't talk, house is still full of my relatives on vacation. However his eyes are filled with sadness, sighs a lot and I am so sorry. Unlike before, since I told I wanted to talk to him, he strokes my hair till I fall asleep, holds me very tightly in his arms. Don't let this wait too long. He's in pain now, and not knowing what is going to be put on his plate, he may choose to distance himself to reduce the pain/insecurity. You need to talk to him asap, whether you confess the emotional affair or not.
Radu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 What do you mean by "beyond emotional level"? I would NEVER cheat my husband physically. Nor would my collegue, I am sure 100% You had what is called an EA [emotional affair], or the beginning of one. You formed an emotional attachment to someone else in the same way you should of had it with your husband. That is your fault, 100% on you. The situation that facilitated this in the marriage, is shared blame though. Either way your present situation cannot continue because you were emotionally vulnerable. If you don't fix this marriage somehow or end it, you will end in full blown affair in the future.
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 She doesn't have to clam up, she can simply say her needs are not being satisfied. Telling him she developed feelings for this man(call it cheating or not) will not help her get what she wants with her hubby. I disagree. This is from the cheater's POV. I know there isn't hard and fast cheating in this situation, but talking about the mindset. Cheaters will always say there is no good in being truthful. That telling the truth won't get what THEY want out of their spouse, as you have just clearly stated. This is to say that the person wanting their betrayed, or soon to be betrayed spouse, to change based on their "needs", or more likely in most cases, demands. And that is fair enough I suppose. But when that person doesn't want to be honest with their spouse, this indicates there are major things about the WS, or the potential WS, that needs to be changed. But that isn't of any concern. All that matters is their needs and not that of the BS, or potential BS. Its like this: "I want this that and the other from you" but thinking in the back of their mind, "but I'm not going to tell you what you should want changed in me because that is of no interest to me, I want what I want and your needs are secondary" 1
Author kamani Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Don't let this wait too long. He's in pain now, and not knowing what is going to be put on his plate, he may choose to distance himself to reduce the pain/insecurity. You need to talk to him asap, whether you confess the emotional affair or not. I told him for the second time I wanted to discuss. He said he would be very soon. It appears both of us fearing the new information, would paralyse his working performance, him fearing more. So he wants to finish whatever in hand. Anyway I won't wait very long. IMO, discussing without telling him about EA or potential EA, as one of you said would not address the problem properly. It may create the same vicious circle that I experienced, i.e.myself leaving the bed, him promising it won't happen again, and so on! On the other hand I want to discuss it to have peace in my mind and to return back to my normal life. 1
Author kamani Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 We'll be definitely discussing tonight. Let you know right today.
Author kamani Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 I discussed the EA with husband. He said he was sad but it was 75% his fault. I told him how I loved him and how didn't want the warmth of anyone. I inquired about the reason for lack of sex. I insisted on and he admitted to being bi-sexual before and after marriage. He says it is only few times after marriage and it was the same guy and that he is married. My whole world is torn. Is this the man I loved? I'm crying. I feel like committing suicide. Unfornately my little boy is an obstacle. He says he is willing to work things out. He promises not to do this any more and would go councelling with me. I can't trust him. Do I have any hope. I'm ready to forgive him for the first time. I'm not ready to live with a bisexual man.
BetrayedH Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 (edited) Good grief. What a turn of events. I feel for you. I wish I was more of an expert on this. There is a gender board here somewhere that you might find more expertise. I would say that I am extremely skeptical about this going away just because he says he will stop. You can't just sweep bisexuality under the rug because you want to. That said, I am encouraged that both of you have chosen to be honest with one another. It makes for an excellent foundation and shows me that you do love and respect one another. My gut says to try to work on this as a team. Research, talk, and confront it together. Do what you can to make decisions with your head instead of your emotions for a while. Step away from the hurt and do some serious thinking. Edited December 22, 2012 by BetrayedH 1
standtall Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 I discussed the EA with husband. He said he was sad but it was 75% his fault. I told him how I loved him and how didn't want the warmth of anyone. I inquired about the reason for lack of sex. I insisted on and he admitted to being bi-sexual before and after marriage. He says it is only few times after marriage and it was the same guy and that he is married. My whole world is torn. Is this the man I loved? I'm crying. I feel like committing suicide. Unfornately my little boy is an obstacle. He says he is willing to work things out. He promises not to do this any more and would go councelling with me. I can't trust him. Do I have any hope. I'm ready to forgive him for the first time. I'm not ready to live with a bisexual man. Hiding ones sexuality form a spouse is a deal breaker..you need to divorce and run away from him as fast as you can.
Author kamani Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Upon available evidence and on continuous insisting my husband admitted to having sex with 2 other married men for several years. These encounters had happened monthly or twice a month and sometimes not for several months. He claims he never loved anyone else other than me, and it was only casual sex. He was so ignorant that he never knew STD could be transmittable by unprotected oral sex, and thought that only anal sex should be protected. He was proved negative for HIV but positive for 'Herpes'. Despite having unprotected sex with my husband I was proved negative against 'herpes'. Thanks god for sympathizing on me, I have never cheated anyone in my life. He is the only person I had sex in my life. Further he says he avoided sex with me and could not perform because he was feeling extremely guilty for what he was doing to me and it is not that he didn't desire me. On the other hand he feared that he would pass and STD to me. No need to say the pain I am undergoing now. The marriage as I knew it is over and he was never mine. I had lived in a lie. The pain is unbearable sometimes and I have lost appetite, can't sleep and feeling vomitish most of the time of the day. I feel my head is going to explode due to severe pain. I can't concentrate or attend to day to day work still. I'm on anti-depressants now and we have begun counseling. Besides the bitter truth, our relationship and sex life was alarmingly improving after the 'confession day'. I felt he loves me never ever than before. I know he is doing his best to alleviate my pain, to prevent me from leaving him. He holds me tightly, kisses me and covers me with blanket when it is cold. I know he is in pain too and he says that he feels like ending his life when he sees me crying. He says he suffers ten times my pain, because he did the wrong thing and I believe it. He has lost appetite, suffering from sleeping disorder and lost weight. My husband says he should be given a chance because he confessed and wanted to end it. He says he has no life without me and our son. Our son is as happy as ever, as we don't fight, all I do is weeping and complaining him. I have made him clear that I am not prepared to accept anything less than 'monogamy' and he says he is 200% sure. I'm not sure what the future would hold for me. All I know is I'll never fall in love with any man again. I want to thank all who encouraged me to discuss the EA with my husband. If not for this discussion I would never know the truth and might destroy myself. I could have ultimately ended up HIV infected even.
Mint Sauce Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Kamani, This is far beyond what anonymous people on the internet can help you with. I'm truly sorry that this is was the hidden tumor in your marriage. Marriage counseling is a conditio sine qua non, and even then the conclusion may be that you have to go your separate ways. It is in particular unfortunate that rather than at least telling you about his bisexuality, he chose to act upon it behind your back. The good thing is that, if that is at all possible for you, his confusion about his sexuality can be seen as a reason/justification not to hold too strong a grudge against him, at least so you can work out a peaceful co-parenting scheme for your kid. In any case, all due respect to you for seeking advice here about your EA, and for coming clean with your H. I'm tempted to say that this shows you deserve better, but then again, depending on your local culture bisexuality can be a heavy burden to bear... Be strong!
jellyco Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) Ouch. This is terrible news. Needless to say, this must be a dealbreaker. Not sure what else to say, but look for comfort in your friends and family and stay strong. Edited February 1, 2013 by jellyco
BetrayedH Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Kamani, Your story is a tragic one. Sadly there are many others here as well, but most of them certainly missing this twist to the story. I discovered my wife had a year-long affair with about 60-70 hotel stays and included a threesome with her OM and a prostitute. It's shocking that these things can happen. I'm glad you found the courage to confess your EA and that it at least got you the truth from your husband. Please do find some professional counseling services for yourself and your husband, (and together if you decide to stay a couple). I wish you the best. Be kind to yourself. Force yourself to eat and sleep. that part will improve. It took me about 6 months to stop losing weight and to start to sleep through the night but it will happen. Please know that you will recover from this.
2sure Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Kamani I just read your thread, and before getting to the end I was thinking to myself... She loves this man and is handling her problem the way it should be done. And you did. Infidelity is breathtakingly painful no matter the circumstances. It isn't the sex, it's the lie. Like yourself, many marriages show signs of unhappiness before it is discovered...and the betrayed spouse is often blindly trying to navigate through a crisis without knowing exactly what it is. That's the lie. You have to decide if you still love your husband. If you do, it isn't impossible for the two of you to rebuild from this together, with every good and every ugly thing right out on the table to deal with. Your husband has to decide if his sexuality is not what he thought...or if it was the cheating he enjoyed more. People in happy marriages cheat because they have a problem within themselves that they feel the BS cannot help with or because they don't want help. My X was a serial cheater, he was unable to stop. I just wanted to point out that as heartbroken and betrayed and mind bent that you are...there is a process. 1
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