How do you keep a long term relationship alive?

[goodbyesunshine]

I have been wondering what a good relationship really is because I feel like the entire 1 year I have been in this relationship, only the first few months feel great. When things become "stable" I just feel like my partner is too distant and the quality of our conversation deteriorates.

 

I don't know if this is normal, it's my first long term relationship. It didn't use to be this way for the honeymoon period. But the change is just too much. Now he's always tired from work, doesn't bother him if we don't meet up, his text messages are just short and our conversations are just really, really dull. (I know he's not cheating on me.) I guess it's the normal "plateau" that plagues all LTRs, and I tried looking up on how to keep a relationship alive. Of course the normal advice is to go on exciting dates, send nice messages, surprises, etc. I've tried them, but I wouldn't say they are effective in the long run because I get tired of being the only one putting in the effort to make this relationship "exciting". He's generally okay with things being as they are because he has other priorities (i.e. work. I'm a student).

 

I really miss the small things. We used to cuddle up and talk about our future, our relationship, or just have some laughs about things in general. Now he just uses the computer or we watch TV and when we do cuddle he doesn't have good things to say, which just puts me off even if I want to talk. He just likes to joke about stupid things like how much make up I have on my face, or just my inadequacies (fine lines, pores, pretty much whatever an average girl might have). When we do have "quality" conversations it's about his work, his colleagues. And we don't talk on the phone, we usually text, and the text messages just get shorter and duller. I tried sending long, sweet messages like we used to but his reply is just the same short ones. When I suggest exciting dates he says he's tired from work.

 

Is this normal? I don't know because I don't dare to confide in any of my friends (they'll just brush it off), and I haven't been in this long a relationship. I don't ever feel like "we're meant for each other" or "he's my best friend". Maybe in our best of times I do feel really happy in this relationship, but generally I feel like this is more boring than it is satisfying. Are my expectations of a LTR too high? I do feel happy if I know I'm seeing him, but sometimes at night I just think back and wonder why I even look forward to it when we have nothing much to say or do anyway

 

Is this normal? Should I do something to change this? He's a nice and sweet guy, very faithful, and I do see a future for us. Albeit a slightly dull one.

[newmoon]

just my opinion, but at only 1 year into the relationship you should still be going out on fantastic dates and getting to know one another through a variety of experiences. 'date night' once a week is a really bad concept because people begin to think 1x a week is enough; imo you have to spend a lot of time with your partner for a relationship to develop and grow and sitting in front of the tv won't do anything for either of you. and neither will going out just once a week. you need to make a lot of effort to keep doing fun and interesting new things to grow the relationship. and you need to ask your bf now, before it's too late, to make you a priority and to go out with you more to do things - dates, events, movies, etc. we are all tired from work/school and manage to get things done, so you're not asking for too much from him. in terms of texts/calls/sweet nothings - those definitely die down ... that's normal. and sending him too many sappy texts or messages might actually backfire - guys start seeing you as needy/clingy... so just follow his example a bit with the texts and look forward to what counts - the face to face interaction

[Newticus]

Maybe you should try talking to him about how you feel? I moved in with my fiancé after we had been together for about a year, and wow, what a first year we had! It was sweet and loving and tear your breath away passionate and fun. Moving in together and rounding the year mark caused a lot of changes in our relationship, things were not quite as intense, we didn't go out as often and our text messages have evolved over the years to not usually be so sex driven as a running commentary on our lives away from each other as well as a way to stay connected all day long. I am with the first person I had a long term relationship with, and in the beginning I always worried that it would fail just because it's my first long relationship. However we are coming up on 6 1/2 yrs and engaged.

 

There really should be no reason for your partner to belittle you over general things about you. My partner likes to tease me in a playful manner, but if she crosses a line and ends up hurting my feelings, I make sure that I let her know and then she stops making that particular comment, because she didn't say it to hurt my feelings. Yet your partner sounds like he might be saying these things either out of malice, or sheer indifference to your feelings and if that's the case then those are some major red flags!

It can be easy to feel too comfortable in a longer relationship. You start to take that person for granted and you stop putting in much effort because so far, the other person has stuck around. Now you've been putting in effort, but not your partner. Sometimes the other person doesn't even realize that they've slacked off in their obligations to respect and love you. So this is where communication become important. It might cause a fight, cause sometimes it takes some real prodding to get them to see they've started to act like a jerk. However you both get the opportunity to look closely at the others behaviours as well as your own. And if there is fault, that person has a chance to say sorry and work on improving in that area. And I don't mean that only your partner will find they might have areas to work on in the relationship, or that you have to jump all over them and demand and apology.

Another lesson that took a while to learn and I still have work to remember it at times is that your partner is not a mind reader. You may have known them for x amount of time but that doesn't mean the know every little nuance going around in your head in silence. And since they are not mind readers, spell out what you want and expect.

 

This becomes important in the long run as you travel out of the honeymoon stage. During the beginning of the relationship most people are trying hard to please the other person, to induce them to stay. But if they don't know what you want and need in return chances are you aren't ever going to get it and if you spring it on them in a fit of rage 3-4 years down the line chances are you still aren't going to get it because the rituals and rhythms of your relationship will be pretty strong by then.

 

And all in all, if you spell out what you want and need from your partner, and they refuse to give it to you, move on. Do not waste your precious time trying to get what they can't give you.