motl1987 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 How do you get passed a relationship you really don't want to be over...It's been 2 months since BC and she is seeing someone else...has been for about a month now...i get the fact that she is done with our relationship...but I'm not...I don't understand how 3 years can end so quick for someone...Did she ever really love me? Was she going through the motions? Then it's is going through the motions with him? Why am I even thinking about him and comparing our relationships?...that I know isn't possible no matter what the current feelings are. I don't feel like I could be in a relationship right now with anyone..much less her..but my heart just pulls me the opposite direction...how do i really know if its over...people have told me that before and while I agree with them I just feel that way...its crippling me and I know part of it is my fault for letting it but I guess I feel like there's been no closure...the signs are there for sure i know but I just can't get past this...I dragged my feet through college to say the least and after 7 absolutely long and unnecessary years I'm a week away and a month behind...my professor has been more than accommodating with the situation and understands where I am but I feel guilty and don't want to come across as taking advantage of the situation...I'm not trying to and I've never felt like this in my life. I'm so uncertain about who I am, what my feelings are, and how her actions post BC reflect on me as a companion and lover. I know that last one is so selfish but I need help getting past that other than people just saying move on and forget about it...I would and I've tried but it hasn't worked...I'm seeking professional help because i understand that a lot of this has to do with the way I view myself and that needs to become much more positive before any of this can be resolved but I need help getting through this ultimate healer we call time... I guess ultimately I need to get rid of the feeling that I know I'm the only one that can make her truly happy and she is the only one that can make me truly happy...Anyone still reading to this point feel free to respond with thoughts....it is appreciated.
movingon12 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Sorry you're going through this. For what it's worth, I wrote this a while ago: how I survived my break up
th90 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Hi, I understand your feelings as I'm going through the same thing. I took a week for grieving the loss of the love of my life. Some people will take more time but what stopped me from grieving any further was to accept it's over. I didn't get any closure, no solid reason for breaking up a 7 years long relationship. Which makes things harder because I keep wondering and questioning myself. Are you doing NC? If you haven't, please do it strictly. You seem to me that you still can't accept that the break up has happened but once you learn to embrace it, you will immediately feel better. You are letting yourself dwell in the thoughts of your relationship with her and everything about her. I also do the same thing but it retards any progress that you could have made once you start diverting your mind to something else. I haven't made much progression myself so I have no rights to comment anything about you. Start by accepting it as it is. Stop thinking that you're the only one who can make her happy. Truth is she is happy with her new guy and she doesn't even need you. You will be able to find happiness somewhere else, and happiness won't come to you until you accept, let go and move on.
Author motl1987 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 I can't let go...I can't except the fact that this is over...I can't stand being alone and I'm going crazy...
amaysngrace Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 She had time to mentally prepare to leave before you broke up. That's why she is handling it differently than you are. It was just sorta dropped in your lap. That gives her a head start. Work on you right now. She isn't coming back. It's over. If she wanted to be with you she would be. But you need to stop slumping and feeling sorry for yourself. She isn't the judge of who is or isn't worthy. Why give her all that power? She checked out before she left. She probably had an interest in this new guy while she was still with you. What a bitch. 3
itsmyfault Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Take it from me, go NC and don't look back. I have asked all of the questions you want to ask, believe me no matter how well you think you will be able to deal with the answer, you won't. I asked all the questions; Was she seeing someone? Yes Had she slept with him? Yes Is she happier than before? Yes - But not to do with BU (hard to believe) Does she wish things were different? No I wish from day 1 I'd gone NC, It would have been over 4 months now, i'd be over her i'd imagine. This is only a small portion, I got answers, And as you can see they were the one I didn't want to see. The best advice I can give you is to tell yourself that she is doing better without you and she has slept with other people. Once you learn to accept those things. The thing is you don't need the answers, you just think you do. Why? because your hoping that the answers she give will bring her back to you. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. 2
na49 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I understand how you feel because I've felt the same way/sometimes when I feel lonely I feel that way still. Take her off the pedestal you put her on, we think the person that we are with is the greatest thing ever when we are with them. They think the same way about us. After the relationship is over, they go back to thinking we are nobody or don't care about us like they did. For some reason, because we are heartbroken we forget to put them where they belong. (with everyone else, they aren't God's gift to the world because God's gift to the world wouldn't treat us with disrespect) What amaysngrace is so scary but true. The reason why it is so easy for her to move on is because she was in the process of moving on before you broke up. My ex dumped me, and I was shocked how she moved on so quickly. What amaysngrace posted is so true and makes so much sense. She was out of the relationship before dumping me, but kept telling me everything was great so there was no way I could've known things weren't okay. The BU happened and it left me confused. You aren't the only one who can make her happy. As if this isn't obvious, she's found someone else who makes her happy. She also existed before you met her, so there were people before you who made her happy. You existed before you met her too, and people made you happy. (your family and friends). You can only feel sorry for yourself for so long, time will help you realize it's over. You were happy before you were with her. You LEARNED to be happy with her. Now it's up to YOU to LEARN to be happy without her. After the BU it's all about us (the depressed heartbroken dumpee) Don't check up on her (finding out she's found someone new already can't help you) Nothing you find out about her now will make you feel good. so make sure you aren't checking her facebook or anything. Block her if you haven't. Also you don't need to analyze everything she does, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I find myself doing the same thing at times but I remind myself "she's living life without me, nothing she does has anything to do with me". NC is obvious, you don't need to beg her to come back. That will only drive her further away. Show her you don't need her, by not bothering with her. Remind yourself of everything that is wrong with her, she's human and she does have flaws. She has done things in the relationship that you didn't like. Don't remember the good times, remember the bad times. I'm on the fence of "moving on" as well. The only open way of communication between me and my ex is the phone. She's blocked me on facebook, I've deleted her anywhere I can message her. Blocking her number will help me move on immensely because my heart won't drop every time I see "New Text Message" thinking it's going to be her when it isn't. I'm almost not ready to move on even though I know it's over. Time is the only thing that can help us. So just stay strong, it will get better. I promise.
flitzanu Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 it sucks. it doesn't go away overnight, and it doesn't go away in a month. you're going to think about it for a very long time. the best thing to do is REMOVE ALL TRACES OF HER from your life. literally. no facebook, no twitter, no photos, no gifts, NOTHING. hide/trash every single thing that reminds you of her.
Author motl1987 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 The break up was on me...she didn't dump me I broke up with her and she immediately started seeing this guy...I made the mistake, I got ahead of myself and dwelled on an argument...I know the response will be see you didn't want to be with her its just a case of wanting what you can't have but I know I love her I feel it everday...she's stuck on this rebound...we haven't talked since before Thanksgiving...the longet we've gone since we met...everyday just seems to get worse and worse
th90 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 It doesn't matter who the dumper is. She has moved on. Nothing you can do to change her mind. Accept that it's over and learn from your mistakes. Have you broken up with her due to silly arguements or misunderstandings and she moved on so quick only reflect that both of you were not fighting for each other that much. You may realize your mistake now but it's too late. Do you think both of you could work if none stood strong by the relationship? Even if you got her back this time, history will repeat itself in the future.
Author motl1987 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 I'm not giving up...I'm leaving her alone and not contacting her but I can't give up...I know she still loves me and I her all the advice I've been getting has done nothing but make me feel even worse...call me foolish say I don't really want to get better I don't care but everything I've posted has been about forgetting and letting go and I'm not ready nor do I want to so thanks for the honesty but this has been a huge mistake
na49 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 It's okay, I'm in a similar spot. I know my ex won't be back, but a part of me doesn't want to just let her go and completely move on. The reality is eventually we will both have to unless we like living our lives being miserable and upset about someone who doesn't want to be with us anymore. It doesn't pay in the end. But you obviously aren't ready to move on, so let time heal you. She may still love you but not like she used to and not enough to be with you. (not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear)
cavalier99 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Hey sorry your having such a hard time. I know, it feels like you are losing you mind. I know you dont want hear this but you NEED to let go or this suffering will go on and on. I know your fighting so hard..it is exhausting.. you need to stop and take care of YOU. What you need to do is let it all out. CRY, CRY and CRY some more. Tell your self that you gave it everthing. How much you loved her! Remeber everthing. Holding you hand. Talking with her. Every good memory. Everything you gave and keep telling your self IT IS OVER. Keep remebering, crying, and tell your self it is OVER. NavyAirtrafic reccomeds this and it helps. Feel the pain until you cant. Them pick yourself up. I hope you feel better. This is the hardest thing in the world right now. But if you can accept it you will start to heal. I promise!
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I'm not giving up... Ahhh, true love. Soooo you're a gambling man? Explain what happens 10 years down the road when she's married to this guy with kids? I'm assuming she'll marry this guy just like you're assuming she'll be back to you one day. For your sake, I hope your gamble pays off. Would hate for you to waste months/years of your life to find out my prediction was true... 1
cavalier99 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Ahhh, true love. Soooo you're a gambling man? Explain what happens 10 years down the road when she's married to this guy with kids? I'm assuming she'll marry this guy just like you're assuming she'll be back to you one day. For your sake, I hope your gamble pays off. Would hate for you to waste months/years of your life to find out my prediction was true... BTW I loved your guide and you posts NavyAirTraffic. Helped me a lot early on. I really leaned into the pain. It wasnt pretty. But feeling good now at 2 months NC. Rock on! 1
Author motl1987 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 So how is it everyone knows this done?....and no i'm not a gambling man the bigger part of me knows to let go I just can't...I know I should I know it will never be the same but its not impossible...I get it this s*** very rarely works out like we hope but that's not a good enough reason for me to give up
cavalier99 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) Its cool man. Take the advise if and when you are ready and want to. You can only go on so long like this before you are forced to accept it anyway. I know it is like beating your head against a wall until you knock your self out. It will happen eventually. We are just trying to make it easier now. And everyone here has a ton of experience in these matters. But sometimes we need to learn the hard way and hit rock bottom before we stand up. Post when you need to! Edited December 6, 2012 by cavalier99 1
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 BTW I loved your guide and you posts NavyAirTraffic. Helped me a lot early on. I really leaned into the pain. It wasnt pretty. But feeling good now at 2 months NC. Rock on! I didn't come up with that Cav but thank you. At the time it helped me soooo f'n much I had to share it. Grieving takes those memories that tear you apart and dulls them (very quickly). Did you see a big difference by actively grieving?
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 but that's not a good enough reason for me to give up There are over 1001 pages here of good enough reasons. We are not here to hurt you, we are either hurting like you, or most recently were.
cavalier99 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I didn't come up with that Cav but thank you. At the time it helped me soooo f'n much I had to share it. Grieving takes those memories that tear you apart and dulls them (very quickly). Did you see a big difference by actively grieving? Yeah it was a HUGE difference. I cried like i never had before and imagined her getting nailed every which way by her new boyfriend. It was pure grief ..memories of all the good times. How i tried sooooooo hard but it wasn't enough..how i just couldn't any more. How i gave it EVERYTHING . I think this helped me forgive myself more than her. I was healing a DEEP wound. It! was f-kin cathartic. Is that the word? Thanks again even if you didnt invent it.
na49 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I know my ex is probably screwing the guy she cheated on me for, but I don't want to get myself to picture it. I also don't know for a FACT that she is dating this guy. (she's told me she wants him but he just wants her as a friend LOL) Should I find everything out for a fact and put my hand in the fire or just let it be so I don't get burned and go backwards? Also motl, you obviously aren't ready to move on. Eventually you will, for your own sake I hope you can.
flitzanu Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 So how is it everyone knows this done?....and no i'm not a gambling man the bigger part of me knows to let go I just can't...I know I should I know it will never be the same but its not impossible...I get it this s*** very rarely works out like we hope but that's not a good enough reason for me to give up because when someone is telling you something that you DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE, you should LISTEN.
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