SecretlySad Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 For those of you I have spoken with before, yes I’m back again. Same old sob story. Same old nothing having been done. I know, trust me For those I haven’t spoken with, here’s the rundown…. I have been with my man for 8 years. I am 30 and he is 47. At the beginning of our relationship things were wonderful – one of the things that attracted me to him the most was that he didn’t act his age (in a good way!). As the years have gone on he has started to slow down a bit… in terms of going out for big drinks nights with friends he’s decided he is “over it” and “sick of being hungover”, so I go to most things alone. He seems antisocial and doesn’t want to do much at all these days. Anything I suggest to him always comes with a problem – “it’s too far”, “it’s too much”, “it’s too hot” etc etc… He is very overweight and despite promises to lose the weight, has never done so. I have of course tried to help him but I am called a “nag” and told that he’ll do it in his own time… this results in me spending days at the beach alone because he is too self conscious about his body. As lovely a person as he is this also means my physical attraction to him is waning. We haven’t had sex in over a year. When he was younger he spent money like it grew on trees – on motorbikes, nights out, holidays… then when he reached his mid 30’s he started to panic that he was the only one of his friends who didn’t own his own home, and so he began saving. I met him shortly after this. I am passionate about travelling whereas he doesn’t seem to share the same passion. By the time I was 30 I thought I would have travelled the world 3 times over. Even lived in another country for a year or so! But of course it hasn’t happened, and because he is so desperate to save for a home he’s very tight with his money. Our money. While I’m aware owning a home is important, I want to travel more. I want more adventure. I often feel like his daughter rather than his partner – he used to comment on things I’d wear, sometimes telling me that it is disrespectful to him if e.g. I wear something with low cleavage on it, like some 20 something young girls do. He doesn’t do it so much nowadays but it still happens. I don’t know what to do. Despite all this I have never been treated better by a man in my life. He absolutely adores me and I love spending time with him too. But I feel like I’m wasting the best years of my life… I asked this question on another website and was called self centred… am I wrong to want to do what makes me happy in life? Isn’t the saying “a wasted life is the saddest form of suicide”? I was also asked “what did you expect?”. I was 21, not even 22 and fell for an older man who was wise and funny after years of dealing with BOYS… a man who didn’t act his age and seemed - clearly naively thought by me - like he would be young forever. I don’t know what they want from me.
ascendotum Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Just a quick reply here... I don’t know what to do. Despite all this I have never been treated better by a man in my life. You have never been treated better by another man, because you have not dated other men, just boys when you were 16-21. There are lots of guys out there that would appreciate you and are looking to travel still. You are not happy, you have communicated to him the things you are not happy about in the relationship, you are not married + have no children with him...> you can walk out the door at the end of this week and start a whole life if you really wanted to. Time for a new chapter in your life. 5
suladas Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Sounds like more then a age issue. If you want to travel and he doesn't, that is a huge issue not related to age. Things can't be very good if you haven't had sex in a year either. Unless one of you changes what they wants (not likely to happen) you are better off to part ways, you want much different things.
FitChick Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 If you feel this way at 30, imagine how you will feel at 40. 2
Author SecretlySad Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 You have never been treated better by another man, because you have not dated other men, just boys when you were 16-21. There are lots of guys out there that would appreciate you and are looking to travel still. You're right are you married? No. I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to get married. To him or anyone. It's just not my thing. Funny as it may sound I don't like to feel too tied down.
newmoon Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 you are not selfish or self-centered for wanting things from your life. the troubling part is that you and your bf haven't had sex in over a year - i'm not sure how you are both managing to sustain the relationship. you'd have to reconnect in a major way to get the relationship back on track. certainly, as you said, at this point you have a father more than a partner, especially since you're not being intimate. my bf is 10 years my senior, but our energy levels match. you can have a 40something man with no energy and a 40something with unlimited energy, just as you can find a younger guy who wants to sit home and play videos all day. his age really doesn't matter, imo. the problem is the 17 year age difference. you're at a different stage in your life and it's not selfish to have to pursue other interests and options. you have 8 years of relationship experience to carry forward and will discover that other men are capable of treating you well too
KathyM Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Seventeen years is a huge difference. He's in a different life stage than you---middle age. He wants to settle down. You want to travel and live your youth. I know a guy in his thirties can seem intriguing for young women, but eventually that catches up to you when there is that kind of an age difference, and it becomes a lot more evident that you are in different life stages. This isn't going to change. You can't change reality. You can't expect him to be something that he is not. You either learn to accept the differences, or you realize you made a mistake and you leave. 2
Emilia Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 The sex is gone and as he is overweight, he will probably start getting ill in his 50s... I'd say get out of the relationship unless you want to play nurse when you are 40. Clearly his life is going downhill - which isn't just his age, it's mostly his own making. I'm 40 and I've dated men much younger so please don't think I'm being unsympathetic towards him. The thing is though, in 5 years time you will not be so young anymore and it will be much harder to start all over again. Who knows, you might change your mind when you meet a more energetic partner and will want kids? Don't throw your life away. 1
terlislee Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 No man is worth putting your dreams on hold, you only live once. It might be different if you had kids, but like this I don't see why you should settle, especially since the relationship's been lacking in passion and sexual intimacy for such a long time. I just read your old threads and you had issues three years back already - you were intimidated by him and not attracted to him physically and felt he treated you like a child. Why would you stay for another three years?! This is not healthy, you seem codependent and addicted to being "worshipped" by him, scared of breaking free and also worried about his reaction. He might be crushed, but you both deserve better. I cannot see how this relationship is sustainable long-term. He can't give you what you want and in return you can't love him the way he deserves and if it's such a big problem now it will only get worse with time. 1
FitChick Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I can understand your feeling of loyalty but not of martyrdom. You can date other men and still be his friend, which is essentially what you are now. It's his choice or not as to whether he can accept that. I think it's less of an age thing and more of basic incompatibility all around. If he were her age but unattractive, asexual, overweight and boring, would everyone say they were well matched? 1
Author SecretlySad Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 you seem codependent and addicted to being "worshipped" by him, scared of breaking free and also worried about his reaction. Wow. To say you hit the nail on the head here is putting it mildly. Yes I am addicted to being worshipped by him... I have never actually realised that until now. Terrified of breaking free and yes, worried about his reaction. I hold a lot of things in because I am worried about his reaction. He gives me the silent treatment.
ascendotum Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Wow. To say you hit the nail on the head here is putting it mildly. Yes I am addicted to being worshipped by him... I have never actually realised that until now. Terrified of breaking free and yes, worried about his reaction. I hold a lot of things in because I am worried about his reaction. He gives me the silent treatment. For sure he wont be happy, he is taking what he has for granted to an extent. You sacrifice your happiness for his happiness, and you'll resent it more in the years to come. If you move out to a new place it will make it easier to deal with his reaction. You can ignore him if you want but it would be good to still stay friends after all that time. For sure he will be upset his life is going change, but well he had the other choice to change to keep you. I would have thought it would be a lot easier to break away from a partner that gives you the silent treatment, than one where you are co-dependent because you are terrified of his anger or because he was emotionally abusive and worked to erode your self esteem. If the passion was still there I would say you could have your own friends/activities independently and still stay together, but to me this relationship has run its course (and I have not read past posts about other issues) 1
runner Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 when my former boss turned 70, he was still hiking, climbing, camping, staying in hostels and travelling to exotic parts of the world with his wife, whom herself was in her mid-60s. oh and he was in excellent shape and could easily pass for 55. sounds more like you guys have just drifted apart, as opposed to an age issue. 1
2sure Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 You want a different life. Of course you do. The life that appealed to you at 21 is not the life you want now and hasn't been for awhile. At 21, you had no idea of who you were going to be, what you were going to want, and no experience to base decisions on. You took a blind risk . You love him and don't want to hurt him. But think...he took a risk as well, but his decision was based on more experience and information than you had. He was nearly 40, had adventures, relationships, learning experiences....HE knew what you would be missing. You've got to go. You have to live a life. If you don't go, what do you envision yourself doing when your 40 or 5o. 1
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