Beets Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I've only been dating this guy for a month, and I really like him! It's obvious that we are complete opposites -- I'm extraverted, he's introverted. He cares deeply about religion and politics and I do not care at all about these things. I love talking with him and we get along great. However, he is VERY busy with school at the moment (and will be for the next year) and came to me yesterday with the proposition to break up. He said he has moments where he intensely likes me, but he doesn't have a "spark" or feel a "deep emotional connection" with me. He says he "admires" me above anything. He says he doesn't think he can have deep intellectual conversations with me because I am a very "light" person. However, if he was to break up with me, he said he knows he would regret it and he has discussed how he sees us together in the long term. He gave me the control to either break up all together or understand he will be a bad boyfriend that wont be able to hang out all the time because he is busy with school. I gave him the power again, and he decided, that he likes me so he doesn't want to break up. This honestly came out of no where for me! I've really been getting to know him this past month and thought things were going really well! I really enjoy spending time with him. So, my question: Should I break up with him because he obviously isn't feeling the same way as I'm feeling? Like, I could see myself falling for him completely. Or how can I establish this "deep emotional connection"? Is that possible to do? Any advice is appreciated!
Author Beets Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Also, he is about to turn 24 and I'm his first girlfriend.
carhill Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 It's double-talk. Someone else can fill in the blanks. I wish I had enjoyed the luxury at 24 to play with a person's emotions like that. Some people have it. Others not. Good luck. 1
Author Beets Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Thanks! But, yes, what is double-talk?
iiiii Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Sounds like the work load is just an excuse. Sounds to me that he's considering breaking up because your personalities aren't a perfect fit. I'm presuming things are OK sexually, and personality really is the only incompatibility here! So if the issue really is that he is very introverted and you are extroverted... that can always be an issue. I'm pretty introverted, so can see where your date is coming from. But if you're hugely extroverted, it could be difficult for you to understand! If I'm reading this right, he's saying he likes you a lot, but doesn't yet feel comfortable to share his deepest thoughts with you. That's not meant to be a kick in the teeth - if he really is very introverted, he probably thinks a lot and doesn't share his true feelings about things with many people at all, and it will probably take a lot of time for him to feel comfortable doing so. Some people don't care about that type of thing, but if he's really introverted, it will be troubling him plenty under the surface. Sorry if this sounds too simple, but an introvert, I feel like I get a deep emotional connection from talking one on one with people - from people sharing their own personal stuff with me (things they don't share with casual friends), asking about my life and past, and then listening without being judgmental.
zebracolors Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Thanks! But, yes, what is double-talk? Trying to cushion the blow of saying he's not interested in her anymore? That sound about right Carhill?
Author Beets Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 The work load may be an excuse, but I think it's a pretty valid one. This is his first semester in grad school and he may fail out because he was spending too much time thinking of other things (like me) than focusing on school. I wouldn't say I am hugely extravert but I do not think of things very often and I talk all the time to my friends. I'm lucky to have a great group of friends that I can talk about for hours about absolutely nothing. He is the opposite. I think you are right about him not being comfortable sharing his thoughts. When he does open up to me, I find him so interesting and fascinating. I really think that is why I started to like him even more. However, I cannot contribute to some of the conversations because I am not a "deep" person, so I am at a lose for words (which is very strange for me, hah). Do you think this is an incompatibility issue? Or can we work through this since we both like each other?
veggirl Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I mean honestly, you should dump him for saying he can't talk to you because you are "light". He called you stupid for goodness sake!! After dating you for a month! Plus, as a general rule of thumb...if threats / talks of "maybe we should break up" sprout up after a MONTH, the relationship just isn't the right one........give him the break up he obviously wants but is too wussy to actually ask for. 2
henderson14 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 "he doesn't have a "spark" or feel a "deep emotional connection" with me" What else do you need to know? He's just not that into you! He's just keeping you around for the sex or companionship or whatever. Since he put the ball in your court and was honest with you, he's off the hook for "leading you on", using you, or wasting your time. I would break up with him, if he really liked you he would reach out again and try to get you back. 1
newmoon Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 good news and bad news, as i've been in your exact situation. the good news is that yes, you can turn this around and make an emotional connection happen with someone. the bad news is that it's very hard and takes a lot of effort, patience, and a willingness from the guy. the last part it seems you don't have - this guy doesn't seem willing. he insulted your intelligence and isn't being decisive one way or the other, so he really doesn't care. you're obviously not meeting some standard he has in mind for himself. i was dating a guy for 3 months when he came to me and said 'i don't feel an emotional connection to you.' i was deeply hurt because i felt like we had one, but obviously not. so, i broke it off with him. then i lied and said i didn't feel any emotional connection to him either. the lie hurt his ego (how could this girl not be into me?), so about 3-4 weeks later he came back around and asked if i wanted to go on a date. i liked him a lot, so i started back up with him and we have been together over 1 year now. but, i work every single day to maintain an emotional connection to this guy. it doesn't come naturally. we 'click,' but not as easily as i have with other people. your guy might be similar to mine - they need that instant 'click' with someone to engage their feelings. so, what i did (and do) is really zero in on the guy's needs/wants and meet them for it to happen. if you like the guy enough i'd give him space and see if he comes back around and then, if you're still willing, try again.
Author Beets Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Yeah, I broke up with him and he said he "understands" and thinks it's right that we break up, so I guess that's that. This sucks. I liked him alot.
veggirl Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Yeah, I broke up with him and he said he "understands" and thinks it's right that we break up, so I guess that's that. This sucks. I liked him alot. Sorry that you're sad about it, that does suck. Better to do this now, though, than 6 months down the road or even longer.
lovebug1234 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 i would opt for an open relationship then dump him.
Author Beets Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 So this guy contacted me again yesterday and asked to hang out. I texted him that I was going out, so I guess he felt comfortable to hang out. This became a 7 hour discussion about how likes me so much, but he doesn't think he likes me as much as I like him. He said he doesn't have a "deep emotional connection" because he cannot be open to me. However, this entire conversation was very, very open! He told me he cried after I broke up with him but felt no need to contact me. Then he talked about how he was in so upset because he "feels for me" in the way that he wants me to find someone, its just he doesn't know if it is him because of his timing. He came back to the intelligence convo and said he now thinks we are compatible in this form, and he can see me fitting well in his family. However, he doesn't want to cause me any more "pain" by hanging out. He said that he thinks he may just be a rebound to my past relationship, I only like him because I am on birth control, and is scared that I will fall in love with one of my best guy friends that I hang out with all the time. After all of this, he asks if he can spend Christmas with my family and wants to me to travel across country to go to festival with him. However, he doesn't like me and hopes I find a guy that is perfect for me. Why is he doing this to me? I was sitting there for close to 7 hours listening to an analysis of why he doesnt like me when I already broke up with him. I know he doesnt like me the amount I like him, but it's like he MUST discuss it. I still like him, so this hurt a great deal. Why must he tell me EVERYTHING on his mind, and why can't he just let things be? We only dated a month, so I feel we shouldn't be in "love" yet, but thats what he wants in order to date someone. It's crazy. Have anyone else been put through this situation?
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