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Not becoming sexist

Ninja'sHusband

By Ninja'sHusband
in Infidelity

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Ninja'sHusband Established Member

Ninja'sHusband

Posted
Posted

This is really a request for people to prove me wrong. I hate turning into a sexist...and I can easily see why a lot of women start to hate men for being cheated on multiple times. It goes both ways, but I keep seeing stuff that just makes me angry.

 

Reading some threads, once again noticing WH's bending over backwards to make up for an affair and WW's expecting BH's to do all the work.

 

1) in the Hutch thread there was an example of a WH supporting getting rid of a rug, or even the whole house! Yet the OP's WW won't get rid of a hutch...also reminded me of the famous couch burning incident, though I don't think that WW was consulted first ^^

2) Apologies, there's a thread where a BW says she took her man back partly because he apologized to the OWH. My' WW's OMM apologized to me. Another person on that thread pointed out that their OMM apologized to them... I don't think any of the women in those stories apologized...wtf?

 

And then go back to my first appearance on these forums, asking if I should make my wife quit going to the dojo. I got all these examples of BH's who quit jobs, or even one guy who sold his dojo he was in charge of and quit karate all together. What did my WW do? Threw her M under the bus for a *#$#@ing sport...

 

It just feels like no matter who is wrong, the man has to take responsibility.... Is it because usually guys cheat for sex and feel guilty about it while women get more righteous about their "reasons"? Also, I had a counselor who told me that she had never encountered a woman who cheated for sex. I call BS, since I've seen some of those here on this forum...and I wonder if some women are just too ashamed to really admit why they do things. Instead they search and rewrite history to justify things...my wife certainly did. She started with "It's not you, there's something wrong with me. I'll go to counseling". Then she spent 3 months lying about the scope of the affair and eventually blameshifted saying it was because of "everything I had done over 14 years!". WTF? I think she felt so righteous that she didn't think it was worth putting in any effort. She sabotaged the marriage, now it's over cause her BH wouldn't step up and fix it. Screw him.

 

I don't want the cheaters to win...but I'm scared I'll never trust a woman again. I hate it.

 

I guess men are worse in some ways (crazy serial cheaters being more common?) and women are worse in others? Maybe I should just learn to accept that? I dunno, what do you guys think? Help me out. I hate the hate. I wish I could purge it from my mind.

  • Like 6
ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
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I don't know if this will help defend my gender or maybe I may becoming sexist myself.

I feel I took all the sh*t and bore the brunt of reconciling in the beginning of finding out he cheated as well. WH said he didn't need to change anything (email, phone etc) because he had already ended the A, knew what he did was wrong, he was sorry now time to move on. Refused counseling too...

I rd him finally, two years later to step up or step out. It wasn't an idle threat but a resolution on my part (thanks to LS & the awesome people here*)! Guess what? He finally stepped up.

As for me, if we ever divorce, I'd love to say I will never remarry and be a beautiful spinster forever cause men suck... But in reality, I LOVE to love and in time maybe yeah it could happen.

Not every person who cheats is a horrible person even though to cheat is horrible. I REFUSE to hold my experience and a few o.k. with their heads up their... To keep me down and from living well!!

  • Like 3
2sure Established Member

2sure

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Ditto. But you know, the opposite. I don't like the way I feel about men.

Coming here and reading posts from guys helps me tremendously. Makes me know we are the same species. Im trying.

  • Like 6
aed Established Member

aed

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I think both genders will have trust issues after they found out, that they where cheated on.

 

But like you noticed there is a major difference between men and women when it comes to taken responsability for their actions.

 

A man that cheated; is just leaving his wife or is just doing it for the sex. ( Yeah I know he will tel the OW, he loves her etc. But al men know that this are mostly words to keep things status quo)

 

When i read the topics here from women that have cheated, (and 80% of the responses they get from other women (that also have cheated them selfes!) they seek the cause for there actions everywhere but not by themselfs. They won't say: Honney I ****ed up. I'm sorry it was al my fault.

 

I don't think you can expect that from your wife. They are security seeking creatures (one more then the other), but they need to feel save. So putting the blamecard on you or part of it for their cheating. Is in my point of view just seeking security, and safety.

 

Just notice how 90% of the women respond when they **** something up (not cheating) and you take a part of full responsabilty for it.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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You will have love again in your life. You'll be cautious and take it slow, build trust up with the woman you're dating as time goes on.

 

Life is too short to become bitter, scared etc all for the sake of protecting your heart.

 

You're a good guy Ninja, you're just no where ready on all levels to get involved with someone and have a serious relationship. I have faith in you, so it's gonna be okay. :)

  • Like 7
Steen719 Established Member

Steen719

Posted
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Ditto. But you know, the opposite. I don't like the way I feel about men.

Coming here and reading posts from guys helps me tremendously. Makes me know we are the same species. Im trying.

 

My thoughts, too. I have felt uplifted by the posts from men here, most anyway, who are faithful and were are in it for the long haul. I was almost convinced they didn't exist. I have wondered if it is a phenomenon that so many on here seemed to have picked someone who would cheat on them and wonder why all of us didn't find someone like us then remind myself this is just a slice of society and that there must be happy people out there? Does that make sense? :rolleyes: I'm tired and may not be expressing myself well - but I think I know what I mean - LOL.

  • Like 3
Furious Established Member

Furious

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Ninja

 

Coming here to LS has shown me that there so many good men in the world, and you are definitely one of those men.

 

I see that there are good and bad in both genders, some make very poor choices and grow from their mistakes and then there are others who just don't get it.

 

Don't allow your ex to sour you future happiness, you know that happiness is the best revenge.

  • Like 2
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Ninja'sHusband Established Member

Ninja'sHusband

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yes great responses :) and I do take heart from many of the female posters her as well. I just wish I knew people like that in real life! I work at a company that is very male dominated and I don't get out much. I guess it's just as well though because I agree with WWIU about not being ready. It's so hard not to want bandaid myself with a rebound relationship...even with my trust issues =\ Am I screwed up or what? My sister was talking about how taking a year break was so important to save everyone else from our temporary insanity :D She went through a divorce several years ago.

 

Thanks again ladies :love:

  • Like 4
frozensprouts Established Member

frozensprouts

Posted
Posted (edited)

it's kind of like all the "alpha male" crud i see on here, and the "men are hardwired to cheat' nonsense...

 

posters like you show that while men may be hardwired to find other women attractive even if they are married,they are not somehow "hardwired' to cheat and act like jerks...most are decent, caring and very compassionate, and hurt every bit as deeply when they have been betrayed...I think sometimes that gets lost somewhere along the way...some people assume men only get angry, but not hurt

 

I also find it very unfortunate that so many men feel like they can't talk about how they feel when that happens...and that it goes beyond the 'territorial" stuff and the pain is very real and heart breaking...

 

I know it sometimes may seem hard to believe that every other female out there isn't like your ex was, but there are many women out there who won't cheat or break your heart...if and when you ever feel ready to try again, you'll make some woman a really lucky lady, and she'll appreciate you every bit as much as you do her

Edited by frozensprouts
  • Like 6
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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I avoided this thread because I don't have resentment against the female sex, just one in particular. Reading this today was surprisingly uplifting; I've been a bit bitter lately and I think the ladies have changed my mind about that. Much appreciated.

 

NH, I see a very fortunate and sexy divorcee in your future. Just make sure she's nice.

  • Like 4
beenburned Established Member

beenburned

Posted
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NH,

 

My D has 2 XH's who both cheated on her. Most people would have been devastated by these events. But even though she was hurt, she was smart enough to realize that they were the ones with a big problem!:laugh:

 

There are many good kind people in this world who get cheated on, even though they did nothing to deserve it.

 

If half of all people cheat at some point in their lives, that still leaves just as many faithful people in this world at any given time!:bunny:

 

The further you get from this experience the more your perceptions become normal again.

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