How do I deal with this? (while staying with family)

[SpiralOut]

In a couple of weeks I'll be visiting my parents for the holidays. I am extremely wary of the idea of staying at their place. My mother is a major control freak.

 

Last time I visited, she did some things I didn't like. When I arrived, after a 6 hour bus trip, I took the time to say hello. Then I go into the guest room to set out my suitcase, just to be alone finally for a few minutes. But she follows me in there without asking if I mind. I mean what if I'm planning to get changed or just want a minute to myself? Why is she following me? She tried to make me decide right away which of the two beds in the room I was going to sleep in, and then she tried to tell me how to set out my suitcase. So then I'll decide I want a shower, mostly so I can have a bit of time to myself and the last TWO times I visited she followed me into the washroom right when I was about to close the door! She wanted to "explain" some things to me about how the new shower worked, which was understandable enough that I let her talk to me but she went on and on and on! I mean, for gods sakes woman, it's not THAT complicated. And, I am about to use the washroom!

 

The day I left, I noticed that she had touched my suitcase without my permission, putting things into it that I told her I did not want.

 

Sometimes I'll just shut myself up in the bedroom because it's the only way to be left alone. I actually heard her complaining about how I am spending too much time in the room. Well I cannot get any time at all to myself! I am introverted and she knows that but she follows me around! If I sit in the living room to read, she'll try and talk to me while I am reading. if I'm watching TV she'll try and talk to me while I'm watching a show.

 

I make sure to spend time with my family when I visit, I don't just run off on my own all the time. I'll join them in the living room and we'll drink coffee and talk. I'll invite her to join us for a movie we're watching. We eat dinner together. Sometimes we'll go shopping. I just feel like she gives me no space at all. I really can't handle it.

 

I want to say something to her. What do I say?

Edited December 5, 2012 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

She's your mother. She's not going to stop 'caring' for you just because you feel like an adult; you're still her kid.

 

Why can't you just hug her, let her get it all out for a couple of minutes when you get home, and then smile and say 'Mom, I can't wait to sit down and catch up but I'm BEAT! Give me a few minutes to go decompress and I'll be back out, ok?'

[SpiralOut]

She's your mother. She's not going to stop 'caring' for you just because you feel like an adult; you're still her kid.

 

Why can't you just hug her, let her get it all out for a couple of minutes when you get home, and then smile and say 'Mom, I can't wait to sit down and catch up but I'm BEAT! Give me a few minutes to go decompress and I'll be back out, ok?'

 

Correction: I AM an adult now. I moved away from home 8 years ago. And I'm not sure how touching my personal belongings without my permission is okay just because she cares for me. I also don't like how she ignores the word "no" on a regular basis.

 

I DO hug her and let her get it all out. I said that already.

 

These little things I mention don't seem like much because you don't know the backstory of how she has always crossed my boundaries my whole life. I have a lot of anger towards her that I don't know how to express regarding many, many things. I should have just posted this in my original thread instead of starting a new one.

 

But I will take your advice about telling her to just give me some time to myself. She is not introverted like me. I don't think she understands it sometimes.

Edited December 5, 2012 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

If you've been alone that long, then you should be able to talk to her like any other adult you talk to. I know it's hard, she'll always have some sort of hold on you. I wasn't able to talk like an adult to my mom til I was about 50; but if she bothers you that much, you're going to have to find the strength within you to tell her how you feel. And let her own her own feelings.

 

(ps, it is always easier to give more targeted advice if there's only one thread, as most of us don't have time to first check to see if you have other posts and go back and look for them)

[SpiralOut]

Yeah, sorry for my snappy response. I don't expect anyone to read all my posts. I was hoping to get the general idea across in one post without reference to the other one which is depressing to read.

 

I guess I'm just surprised she still treats me this way. I've never felt that I can talk to her about anything. She has this habit of ignoring things that I say or discrediting them. I am planning to say some things to her, like laying down ground rules about not touching my things.

 

She also has this habit of randomly giving me things that I don't want or need by slipping them into my bags and I don't know they are there until I get home. I'm thinking of giving them back to her. When she does that it makes me feel like I am the Salvation Army in her eyes, whatever she doesn't want she can just give to me. Even when I say no she'll do it anyway. I'm really worried that my built-up anger is going to explode if I talk to her and things don't go the way I want them to.

Edited December 5, 2012 by SpiralOut

[firemanq]

At 65 I think I am an adult, with a succesful business and employees. Mom still sees me as 12 years old. I stay in a motel, or with my oldest little sister and her family. I will never change Mom, nor will Mom change me.

[turnera]

What you need to do is start researching about boundaries. Too much out there for me to pull up for you, but if you educate yourself on boundaries, you'll find ways to enforce them that don't hurt her, so you can continue to have a good relationship. Cloud and Townsend have a few books on boundaries; might start there.

[Sugarkane]

Her Behaviour sounds a little over the top. And shouldn't be putting things in your bags without permission. If you do spend some time with the family, obviously she is lying a bit, if she says otherwise. Reminds me when I was young and my mother would read my diary without permission.

[SheSux]

I'm 50 and was asked to my face if I knew how to fold towels. Seems to me she ought to think about how maybe if I don't, she didn't teach me?

 

Mine came to my house, and in the name of 'helping SheSux clean up' threw a bunch of stuff into a garbage bag, which included bills I was getting ready to get into the mail.

 

Mine has never seen a door she felt she needed to knock on. When I do attempt to assert and confront her micromanaging, I get told what a rotten attitude I have, how I have hurt her feelings {nevermind the decades she has done the same to me, and as a youth, I had to take it} and wants to know whatever is wrong with me.

 

I take a lot like a soldier, but now, after 3 decades, I find there are times I have enough and, like someone said, sure, I should be able to talk to her like 'any other adult', except, surprise! She ain't any other adult.

 

The last time I visited her, while she was staying at my married sister's house, she tells me how all this food in the fridge was 'none of my concern' {my sister is well employed, so there's no issues of need there}. My sister gets home and lets me know, no, that's not the case. My mother is always protecting something and my feelings or position be damned. Mine is trying to play the old card now (she's like 80), but I continually remind her how she was just like this 20 years ago, sorry.

 

On this same visit, the dog ate the toilet paper roll, and I casually commented to my sister how I think we needed some more TP in that bathroom. Mother dear wants to know if I'm "complaining."

 

I say as little to that woman as possible. I salute you for wanting to address yours, but I find my best line of defense is to stay away. I regret that she has arranged our lives as such.