My husband apologized to the MOW's husband

[Furious]

One of the reasons I gave my husband a second chance was because he sincerely apologized to the MOW's husband.

 

I didn't know this until the OW's husband contacted me and told me about their conversation.

 

The MOW's husband told me, that as much as he knew his wife owned 100% of the betrayal, he did resent my husbands role as an accessory to that betrayal. That apology meant a great deal to him, he said he'd still punch my husband in the face if he ever saw him, but at least now, he wouldn't kill him as he had many times imagined. He then wished us the best. What an amazing man!

 

I never got that apology from the MOW...that's ok...but I am grateful that my husband did apologize to the MOW's husband.

 

It seems that there are a great many OW/OM who think that they are not in any way accountable in being an accessory to betrayal. I don't blame the MOW for what my husband did, but I believe she was not blameless in being a part of the deception.

 

My question to other Betrayed Spouses...would an apology matter to you...would it help you heal faster, would you even accept an apology from the OW/OM.

[Decorative]

The OW's family and eventually the OW apologized to me.

 

She then followed up the initial apology with a boatload of lies, and then her parents stepped back in and explained that she was lying to me.

 

So it didn't make a big difference to me- but it did illustrate just how big a mess it all was.

 

There is a part of me that feels sorry for the OW, and her family. It's a big old mess they've got. OW is a serial unmarried cheater. Her mom was an OW. There's a lot of mess and issues within the family.

 

But I hope she stays away from me forever.

[eleanorrigby]

If it was sincere, it would mean the world to me.

 

ETA: On second thought, I would rather she never show neither hair nor hide to me or my family again and just send the apology to me in a dream.

 

I don't want to open the door to this person for any reason.

Edited December 4, 2012 by eleanorrigby

[StormySeas]

I definitely think it would matter. Particularly in our case, where the OW was supposed to be my "friend" too. I would certainly have appreciated it if she had the guts to call me, own up to her side of this, and allow that part of this entire mess to have some closure.

 

But the vengeful side of me doesn't want her to have the guts to call, which I would have to recognize took strength. I will see her at some point...and she is the most unconfrontational person in the world and will completely freak out that I will destroy her and part of me can hardly wait to see her squirm. Especially if she's with a boyfriend, or her parents (who I know), or anyone else that is important to her. I picture that encounter often. What I would say, how I would act, etc.

[BetrayedH]

My W's OM apologized but it was under duress as I was in a position to tell his wife and company at the time (she was a subordinate). I'm sure he was scared ****less. Later I busted them for breaking NC. I guess he wasn't sincere.

 

A sincere apology would have mattered (together they destoyed two families) but most of my anger really was directed at my W. He was just a dude willing to bang her. They're a dime a dozen.

[2sure]

My xH had quite a few OW throughput 2 days, various forms of infidelity, and in different stages of affairs. Most of them did not know he was married or his real name. All of that group apologized needlessly when I sent the group std notification.

It wasn't their fault at all. I know some of them were single...the rest I never found out. All totally polite and supportive.

[Ninja'sHusband]

There was a thread on this a couple months ago:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/343511-has-anyone-gotten-apology-ap

 

It did give me some closure to get the apology from OMM. Of course to heal I needed a lot more than that...but it was something.

 

I guess like the OM in BH's story, this guy was also under a bit of duress because I was hinting I was about to tell his BW.

 

I am very sorry for the pain that our relationship has caused and would not knowingly cause any more pain if I can avoid it, but I do not see any upside to my wife finding out about the relationship.

I deeply regret the pain and anguish this has resulted in for you and (NH's WW), but do not see how causing more pain and anguish will help anyone.

Hehe, there's always a "but". He had another slightly sympathetic statement, BUT it was in the middle of defending my WW:

Although you more than likely consider yourself the victim in this situation (and I am not disputing that you are), you may want to take into consideration that (NH's WW) is feeling very isolated and alone in the situation she is currently in.

Yeah, his apologies were alway couched in a way to soften his POV to make it more apeasing to me. These were all over email.

 

I did finally learn about how the affair started from him. I had been civil to him, so once the cat was out of the bag and I more or less knew the full extent of the affair, he felt compelled to tell me the true beginnings and story. IN the end he was a lot more honest than my wife was, to both myself and his own wife (not that he had much choice...I provided her with ALL the info I had)

[TheCollector]

Hey something I'm recently familiar with! Here is the first thing the OM said to me when I sent him a text telling him who I was.

 

I'm sorry for what happened I have had to live with that thought for a while now and I feel like the worst person alive. You were the best friend that I ever had and I threw it all away. I don't know what's going on or how you even still have my number but I've done enough damage in your life so I feel like the best thing I could do for both of us is just not speak of it. Again I am truly sorry and I hope that this doesn't upset you further.

 

It helped me....somewhat... But I am the type to hold a grudge so hating him will never stop. It is a brave thing for them to say I guess but it would have been MUCH MORE comforting if he had contacted m

[Spark1111]

I mAde the mistake of thinking this woman would be something, anything like me: kind, decent, in over her head, we never meant to hurt you, it just spun out of control, person.

 

I called her three times as they worked for the same company and extended an olive branch in all three calls; here,s my schedule and numbers, let's. not be blind- sided at a company event, let's speak ahead of time and put this to rest.

 

She never returned MY calls, and I thought leave her be.

 

She did call my H! And told him how vicious I was. Big mistake, as he had been standing beside me when I called her.

 

she then broke NC, 2 yeArs later at the workplace, to see if he was interested in re- initiating the affair. He told me, and with his permission, I called her at her workplace, where she tried to dodge me, but couldn't.

 

After speaking to her, I Learned she was nothing like me. She would never apologize. She was the perpetual victim.

 

And that was a huge disappointment on two levels. her sweet kind empathy towards him was an act, because she was not that way to others.

 

And, I thought, for that woman, you almost tossed us aside?

 

I lost respect for my H for his choice of AP. Funny, no? She was NOTHING like me.

[Spark1111]

Hey something I'm recently familiar with! Here is the first thing the OM said to me when I sent him a text telling him who I was.

 

I'm sorry for what happened I have had to live with that thought for a while now and I feel like the worst person alive. You were the best friend that I ever had and I threw it all away. I don't know what's going on or how you even still have my number but I've done enough damage in your life so I feel like the best thing I could do for both of us is just not speak of it. Again I am truly sorry and I hope that this doesn't upset you further.

 

It helped me....somewhat... But I am the type to hold a grudge so hating him will never stop. It is a brave thing for them to say I guess but it would have been MUCH MORE comforting if he had contacted m

 

Courage. I respect people with courage to own their actions and attempt to make a sincere apology and make amends.

 

Not today, or tomorrow, but someday, that may have helped you heal.

 

I will NEVER know that as it is still my fault and his fault....but mostly mine for reasons I will never know.

[Spark1111]

My xH had quite a few OW throughput 2 days, various forms of infidelity, and in different stages of affairs. Most of them did not know he was married or his real name. All of that group apologized needlessly when I sent the group std notification.

It wasn't their fault at all. I know some of them were single...the rest I never found out. All totally polite and supportive.

 

You were lucky. Until you deal with totally Batsh"# crazy, you can never appreciate how lucky you were with sincerely apologetic OW.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

I don't blame the MOW for what my husband did, but I believe she was not blameless in being a part of the deception.

 

My question to other Betrayed Spouses...would an apology matter to you...would it help you heal faster, would you even accept an apology from the OW/OM.

 

Thanks for telling this part of your story! However, the fist quoted sentence above seems to be contradictory. Very.

 

I sense that it is not acceptable on LS to assign any blame to the OM/OW. That it is somehow more evolved to only blame your WS. I'm not conflicted. I know that at least in part I've never been tempted by a married woman b/c it would be wrong of me to do that to the H. I keep hearing here that the OW/OM have no duty to think of the BS. Seriously? Just b/c the BS's partner says ok then the OW/OM have no duty to say this is wrong? What if it was all the OW/OM's idea in the first place? There is typically a seeker and a sought after. If the pursuing party is the OW/OM that makes it all the more difficult I think to say the WS is to be the sole focus of blame.

 

The second part, about the apology, that is great. I do accept that some one can be sincerely sorry for what they did and that does help. A lot. It is amazing that the OM saw that what he did he was wrong and his actions seriously harmed people but for some reason all the BS's here on LS seem to think what he did was just fine. Why the poor OM was offered up the treasure of the WS! How could we expect him to say no? That would be so unfair to expect the OM to think of others at a time like this! But he did later. God bless him. He knows it was wrong and apologized.

[Decorative]

Thanks for telling this part of your story! However, the fist quoted sentence above seems to be contradictory. Very.

 

I sense that it is not acceptable on LS to assign any blame to the OM/OW. That it is somehow more evolved to only blame your WS. I'm not conflicted. I know that at least in part I've never been tempted by a married woman b/c it would be wrong of me to do that to the H. I keep hearing here that the OW/OM have no duty to think of the BS. Seriously? Just b/c the BS's partner says ok then the OW/OM have no duty to say this is wrong? What if it was all the OW/OM's idea in the first place? There is typically a seeker and a sought after. If the pursuing party is the OW/OM that makes it all the more difficult I think to say the WS is to be the sole focus of blame.

 

The second part, about the apology, that is great. I do accept that some one can be sincerely sorry for what they did and that does help. A lot. It is amazing that the OM saw that what he did he was wrong and his actions seriously harmed people but for some reason all the BS's here on LS seem to think what he did was just fine. Why the poor OM was offered up the treasure of the WS! How could we expect him to say no? That would be so unfair to expect the OM to think of others at a time like this! But he did later. God bless him. He knows it was wrong and apologized.

 

I blame 'em both. On different levels, and in different ways. But the moment she learned I existed- she got blame.

 

I think you will see that the people who are saying the affair partner bears no blame are by and large current affair partners, or unrepentant former partners .

I think far and away- most BS's give SW blame to people who choose to participate in deceit.

 

In my never to be humble opinion- it's not evolved or a high road to gloss over an AP's active and knowing decision to participate.

 

And there are some former affair partners on here who are wonderful and brilliant- and never shirk from responsibility for a moment. I carry nothing but respect for them, and it only highlights the differences between those who do not accept blame .

[whichwayisup]

I never got that apology from the MOW...that's ok...but I am grateful that my husband did apologize to the MOW's husband.

I actually would have asked him if his wife has any plans on apologizing to you.

 

I guess your husband is the bigger person and truly is remorseful, he owned his part in helping hurt MOW's husband, and he had the courage to talk to him. Kudos.

[wheream_i]

I never got that apology from the MOW...that's ok...but I am grateful that my husband did apologize to the MOW's husband.

 

It seems that there are a great many OW/OM who think that they are not in any way accountable in being an accessory to betrayal. I don't blame the MOW for what my husband did, but I believe she was not blameless in being a part of the deception.

 

My question to other Betrayed Spouses...would an apology matter to you...would it help you heal faster, would you even accept an apology from the OW/OM.

 

You don't need an apology from the MOW. Your husband covered that base for him when he apologized. He may have cheated on you but that was an extremely classy and noble thing for him to do. I'm certain he was sincere about it and it probably got him out of a murder fantasy which may or may not have turned into reality (you never know in those situations just how far a BS will go). I hope you take that into consideration in working things out if that's what you try to do from here. Take care.

[Furious]

 

It seems that there are a great many OW/OM who think that they are not in any way accountable in being an accessory to betrayal. I don't blame the MOW for what my husband did, but I believe she was not blameless in being a part of the deception.

 

I see the betrayal on two levels.

 

My husband owns 100% of his choice to cheat.

 

The OW owns 100% of her choice to be an accessory to deceit.

 

I have the right to feel that they both betrayed me, one who knew me and one who did not know me.

 

I have the right to differentiate between my husband's actions and the OW's actions.

 

I have the right to feel that they both, in different ways hurt me.

 

My husband got it, he understood how much he hurt me, but he also got how much he also hurt the OW's husband. Why is that so hard for many non-apologetic OW/OM to understand.

[Artie Lang]

wow, this OBS is the "real deal." sounds like a stand-up guy.

 

your husband OTH, is the total antithesis.

 

 

i would've most certainly made your husband hurt like never before. he can take that apology and shove it up his @ss. that's just me, though.

[Spark1111]

I see the betrayal on two levels.

 

My husband owns 100% of his choice to cheat.

 

The OW owns 100% of her choice to be an accessory to deceit.

 

I have the right to feel that they both betrayed me, one who knew me and one who did not know me.

 

I have the right to differentiate between my husband's actions and the OW's actions.

 

I have the right to feel that they both, in different ways hurt me.

 

My husband got it, he understood how much he hurt me, but he also got how much he also hurt the OW's husband. Why is that so hard for many non-apologetic OW/OM to understand.

 

I understand this and can appreciiate how much courage it took to do this. You and he should be proud of it.

 

what if, like in my sitch, there is no one to inform as she was divorced? I remember thinking.....other than the pain of an abruptly ended affair, there are no consequences....no one to be accountable to.....no way to truly experience the pain you caused another family.

 

My H and I are sobbing. My children are stunned and in need of therapy and healing. I know you lost your bf, but there were no consequences for her....and I resented that. Maybe that's why I had this ill-gotten fantasy she would apologize; instead, she lashed out at me, and him, still arrogant and angry....

 

Until the end of our brief conversation, years later.

 

I told her, woman to woman, I only have one question for you: How were you able to do to me exactly what had been done to you? You alone knew the pain of that that. (Her xH had left her, in a true exit affair, for his AP and has happily moved on).

 

I hit a nerve. She started moaning and crying and wailing.

 

It was not the rational, mature, compassionate conversation I had hoped for. it did give me solace nor contribute to my healing to have caused her the anguish that one, simple question caused her.

 

Her reaction both frightened and unhinged me. I knew I was not dealing with a stable person. it was very sad. I meant no harm.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

I told her, woman to woman, I only have one question for you: How were you able to do to me exactly what had been done to you? You alone knew the pain of that that. (Her xH had left her, in a true exit affair, for his AP and has happily moved on).

 

 

Her reaction both frightened and unhinged me. I knew I was not dealing with a stable person. it was very sad. I meant no harm.

 

It could be the experience of having her H leave her by way of an exit affair was the cause of her becoming an unstable person. My WS's affair did not result in an exit (yet) but already I'm feeling a bit unhinged myself by this experience.

[CantgetoveritNY]

My ex had a brief affair with a coworker back in 2002. She called me having a hesitantly inquiring where my then husband was. When I asked her why she needed to contact him she began crying hysterically explaining she was in love with my then husband and they have been messing around for a few months. I was obviously shocked into utter quiet. She asked me if it was true that we were only together as I finished my education. The question shocked me out of my stooper and I told her that I had no idea this was occurring and we had no such arrangement. What followed was a two hour conversation in which I conveyed what I thought was the state of my marriage, her confessing everything that happened, apologizing profusely and begging me to forgive her.

 

I did. Though she SHOULD have known better (because she seen me at his work and we had mutual friends), I forgave her because she honestly seemed sorry and deeply purtubed at the idea that she was on the path to becoming like her mother (a long time ow). She told me never talking to him again would be difficult because she loved him, that she was vulnerable (having low self esteem: daddy issues, being fat, etc.)

 

I seen her as a human being with honest struggle over her voids, NOT deliberately trying to hurt my family.

 

I was an idiot to take back my begging husband. He cheated again two years later. This next one was an utter unapologetic pig, I loathe her. If murder was legal she'd be gone, that's how evil she was towards my children and I.

 

An apology, an HONEST apology from her showing remorse and understanding for what she did would indeed go a LONG way in restoring some of my hope in the human race. But she never will, she's one of those OW who get off on competition, a true somatic narcissist...

 

I really think, having been there, an OW or OM should consider apology and full disclosure because The BS is really hurting with lack of trust and hope for goodness in humanity. The ow/om DOES hurt the BS no matter how they may think they don't, they add to the idea that most humans just don't care about anything sacred (children, commitment, their fellow humans, etc) and that wound is often just as big as realizing your spouse is a pig..

 

I so agree with this post that my just hitting the "like" button is not enough.

[Spark1111]

It could be the experience of having her H leave her by way of an exit affair was the cause of her becoming an unstable person. My WS's affair did not result in an exit (yet) but already I'm feeling a bit unhinged myself by this experience.

Truly understand what caused the unhinging....Truly do.

 

But to reenact and subject another to that same scenario and pain? Could not wrap my head around it.

 

In IC I learned it is very common for the abused to go on and assume the role of abuser as it empowers them with power, whether it is realizes at the time or not.

 

Some affairs are a out unmet needs. Some are a out love. AND some are about revenge, competition and " besting" the spouse, whether realized or not.

[Furious]

I understand this and can appreciiate how much courage it took to do this. You and he should be proud of it.

 

what if, like in my sitch, there is no one to inform as she was divorced? I remember thinking.....other than the pain of an abruptly ended affair, there are no consequences....no one to be accountable to.....no way to truly experience the pain you caused another family.

 

My H and I are sobbing. My children are stunned and in need of therapy and healing. I know you lost your bf, but there were no consequences for her....and I resented that. Maybe that's why I had this ill-gotten fantasy she would apologize; instead, she lashed out at me, and him, still arrogant and angry....

 

Until the end of our brief conversation, years later.

 

I told her, woman to woman, I only have one question for you: How were you able to do to me exactly what had been done to you? You alone knew the pain of that that. (Her xH had left her, in a true exit affair, for his AP and has happily moved on).

 

I hit a nerve. She started moaning and crying and wailing.

 

It was not the rational, mature, compassionate conversation I had hoped for. it did give me solace nor contribute to my healing to have caused her the

anguish that one, simple question caused her.

 

Her reaction both frightened and unhinged me. I knew I was not dealing with a stable person. it was very sad. I meant no harm.

 

 

It's astounding how many betrayed spouses become the OW, and then have no ownership or empathy for doing to someone else what had devastated them.

 

I just cannot wrap my head around that.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

That apology meant a great deal to him, he said he'd still punch my husband in the face if he ever saw him, but at least now, he wouldn't kill him as he had many times imagined.

 

^^ I can resonate with this sentiment.

 

I don't know how I would accept any apology. The OM knows how to reach me, but I have not heard from him since the affair. I guess that is the next best thing to an apology.

[frozensprouts]

it would depend on the type of person giving the apology....

 

if the apology was heart felt, and i thought that the person giving it truly felt bad about what had happened, had empathy and a kind heart, and had learned and grown and wouldn't do it again to me or anyone else...i could certainly forgive them, and if i thought that my forgiveness lessened their sense of guilt and made them feel a bit better, i'd be glad to give it...after all, we all do make mistakes, and if i can forgive my husband for the affair as he's shown true remorse and a desire to change and has shown he can be a better person; then how can i, in good conscience, not extend that same forgiveness to her?

 

it would be good for me too...

 

but my husband's ex other woman is nothing like that...i'm not going to give her absolution so she can go on and repeat her behavior again and again..if she feels any guilt, then she can seek that absolution elsewhere...

 

( these are just my own thoughts and feelings...personal experience may differ)

[Furious]

So how do you do actually that? He went and said I am sorry I screwed your wife? I don't want to be offensive but I really would hate the idea of having some who screwed my wife come to my house to tell me how wrong he was... it would add insult to the injure...

 

They spoke on the telephone.

 

And yes, you are being offensive in how you worded your comment to me.