mandy may Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 so i've been with my fiance for seven years now and the other day we got into this fight and i sent him some emails that later i regretted sending out of anger. so i have his passwords and he mine but do not usually use them, either of us. so i used my home computer and got onto his aol and deleted the emails i had sent to him. i seen one with a subject that said "howdy" so i was curious and opened it. it was to and from this lady in another state that is moving here and her and her husband are going to be renting out our house when we move into this new house. i have no problems with this but i thought the email was some what personal with him saying how good he is at his work, just the way he worded it and it sounded too personal for business, to me anyways but that is how i am anyways. then i started reading some of the other emails and i found one to his brother in another state telling him about this pancake franchise he was thinking of getting into and that he would pass his other work off to someone else since he is self employed he can do that. then the email to his brother also said some things about building a new building for his office which i new very little about either. so needless to say i felt bothered by most of this and stuck with how i could bring this up to him. so i told him the truth! he acussed me down right snooping. i wonder if after seven years is it still really snooping? he does not tell me alot of what goes on in his life and that hurts me. his excuse is that he forgets till the time comes. he writes everything down on this big calendar at work and looks at it each evening before he leaves for work then forgets about till the next morning. so he goes to these seminars and meetings and what nots and i never know till he is walking out the door or putting on his suit and tie that he is going somewhere other then to work. so am i wrong to feel miffed by all this? i feel shut out at some of his life though he has these excuses or what i call excuses that he just forgot aobut it till that day of because he did not want to think about the next day at work. i try to tell him that he could tell me when he writes it down or tell me his schedule for the week, but he forgets to do that too, but one time he did remember and sent me an email saying something about "okay mommy here is my schedule for the week", something very rotten like that. so tell me do i have any reasons for rights to feel slighted by any of this? not somuch the lady who is renting our home but i am kind of bummed he never even discussed it with me just went and did so which is fine but i told him after reading those emails that he should not get so chummy because he does not even know them that well and also he is trying to help her find a job too with some company that he knows of. so what do you all think?
dyermaker Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by mandy may i wonder if after seven years is it still really snooping? Yes. Snooping is never okay, the ends never justify the means. Personally, I think you crossed the line the second you entered his e-mail without permission. You *definitely* crossed the line the moment you read other e-mails. so tell me do i have any reasons for rights to feel slighted by any of this? It was rude of him to send an e-mail calling you 'mommy', but I can't say I blame him. The way you demand information seems a bit maternal, if he doesn't communicate with you, either work on it, or find someone else if it's a big enough deal to leave.
Author mandy may Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 what about the pancake franchise and the new building he wants to build and never even said a word to me about either? am i wrong for feeling slighted by this? is he justified in any way to not say anything to me about this? like i said we have been living together for seven years now, dont i count on these decisions? in a way i know you are right that i should not of snooped but he has me check them at times for him anyways, but this was not one time and i mainly went in there to delete some messages i had sent him before he got them because i sent them tohim when i was mad at him and did not want him to see them after i had cooled down.
Johnny16 Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 He should open up to you more. Do you trust him? Snooping is wrong but sometimes there is like a just cause for it, like sometimes its needed for closure, or to gain trust.
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Thing is, if you hadn't gone into his email, you never would have known about any of the other stuff, and it wouldn't have bothered you. It's entirely possible that its all meaningless, and won't affect you in the least, and that's why he didn't even bother to tell you. Now, however, there's a possibly unnecessary issue that has been raised, that is causing friction, and it could've been avoided in the first place. This all goes to show how trust and respect goes hand in hand in a successful relationship. The fact that you snooped in his personal stuff indicates a deficiency in both.
dyermaker Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Johnny, Snooping is never 'needed' to 'gain trust'. When you snoop, you're already exhibiting symptoms of mistrust. The emotional withdrawal, whether you find something or not, is detrimental to a relationship. You assume the role of 'detective' instead of 'partner'.
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Hey, Dyer, nice to see you around! Sagely trust and advice, as always.
PUHLEEEEZE... Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 First red flag I see here: You've been with the "fiance" for SEVEN YEARS?!?!? Why aren't you married yet?
Author mandy may Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 okay so it was wrong for me to of snooped. though my first reason of going into his email was to erase some harsh hitting emails that i had regretted sending to him. my thoughts on snooping are that it is sometimes the only to find out what is going on in someones life, like your kids for instance. the pancake issue has not come up again but now it is a sore spot with me if it does because i was excluded from that decision but he talked in great lenght about it with his brother and not me and that bothers me. thanks for the help everybody. next time i will think twice about snooping since it only hurts anyways.
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Bollocks! To delete you own emails, sort by "From", select, and delete! You don't even have to read your OWN emails to do that! Sure, it might have been you initial intention, but seeing all those strange emails interspersed with you own must have been very tempting, eh? Hope you learnt your lesson (Sorry couldn't resist rubbing it in a little)
Author mandy may Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 well we are not married yet since we have been engaged only two years this coming december. he is catholic and i am lutheran i was married before and in the anullement process and that is taking a good year as well. honestly i am not in any hurry to get married and i do not think he is either. sometimes i am then again other times i am glad we are not and i am not in a hurry. we are okay the way things are for now. he refuses to get married anywhere but a catholic church and thank God i do not have to convert as i do not care much for the catholic religion after having gone with him for quite awhile. i say many religions and one God.
Guest768 Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 You said yourself that in some cases it's ok to snoop, such as with your kids. I don't know that I fully agree with that, but in this case, he is NOT your kid, and you had no right to read his other emails. However, since there seems to be a trust problem, perhaps you should talk to him and possibly even break off the engagement until you both know you can fully trust each other.
Author mandy may Posted August 12, 2004 Author Posted August 12, 2004 you seem to think alot of people are "zingy" maybe you need to get your facts straight
dyermaker Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Originally posted by mandy may my thoughts on snooping are that it is sometimes the only to find out what is going on in someones life, like your kids for instance. : I would be shocked to learn that a majority of parents feel this way.
ladyangel Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Originally posted by mandy may you seem to think alot of people are "zingy" maybe you need to get your facts straight No, you're the one and only zingy, you just use lots of other names. Your boyfriend may hide things from you because he thinks you make a big deal out of everything.
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