OM put up hutch in my house. It's a painful trigger. ??

[Chi townD]

I think people are losing site of the real issue. The hutch is a trigger for the OP. That's the object that triggers HIM. Everytime he comes home, it's a constant reminder of who put it there and it was one of the people that helped break his marriage. That is HIS trigger object. Everyone has a different thing that can set them off, this happens to be his. So, if he has an opportunity to remove it from his life then I say go for it!

 

Take it out back and hack it to pieces and burn it. Or donate it as someone has said. Take your trigger away. Don't ask your wife, don't ask the MC because it doesn't bother them so why should they care. Hell, you probably paid for the damn thing, you don't need anyones permission. Just wait for an afternoon when she's out shopping or something and then....have a blast!

 

Will she be mad? Probably. Will she dime you out to the MC? probably.

 

But if the MC asks you about it, I would just say, " Oh, your dissapointed that I went ahead and distroyed the hutch? Well, if I can quote you, 'If you don't like the fact that I chopped that object that was a constant reminder of the betrayal my wife caused to me to bits, then I suggest you learn to deal with it!"

[drifter777]

I think people are losing site of the real issue. The hutch is a trigger for the OP. That's the object that triggers HIM. Everytime he comes home, it's a constant reminder of who put it there and it was one of the people that helped break his marriage. That is HIS trigger object. Everyone has a different thing that can set them off, this happens to be his. So, if he has an opportunity to remove it from his life then I say go for it!

 

Take it out back and hack it to pieces and burn it. Or donate it as someone has said. Take your trigger away. Don't ask your wife, don't ask the MC because it doesn't bother them so why should they care. Hell, you probably paid for the damn thing, you don't need anyones permission. Just wait for an afternoon when she's out shopping or something and then....have a blast!

 

Will she be mad? Probably. Will she dime you out to the MC? probably.

 

But if the MC asks you about it, I would just say, " Oh, your dissapointed that I went ahead and distroyed the hutch? Well, if I can quote you, 'If you don't like the fact that I chopped that object that was a constant reminder of the betrayal my wife caused to me to bits, then I suggest you learn to deal with it!"

 

Chi townD: I agree that getting rid of the damn thing is a no-brainer, but I would go further in that his WW should enthusiastically support getting rid of it. This shows she is truly remorseful and willing to do whatever is necessary to repair the damage she has done. Her supporting the idea of removing a trigger like this is probably the easiest thing she will have to do to make the reconciliation work.

[Realist3]

Decorative,

 

That was from Glass.

[nofool4u]

Just wanted some of your opinions.

 

Take it outside and set it on fire in front of your wife

[raykinsella]

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. Good and bad. My WS has agreed to get rid of it.

 

Realist: I wanted to respond to your post. i might have posted this in another post at some point.... We have spent countless hours discussing WHY she did this. What was going on in her mind at the time. And although there is no excuse and I do not blame myself for this affair, i do know that I was a factor. Without sounding too arrogant, I was the one in the marriage who had the "upper hand". Sounds naive to say that know. But she was always the one doing the little things. Making the little gestures. The cards, the notes, etc. I did those things as well, but not nearly as much as she did. This summer because of the reasons I discussed in another thread, I pulled away from her. I was mad. I blamed her. She had come to me on several occassions to tell me she felt I didn't want her around, that I didn't love her, that I "looked right through" her when she walked in the room. On vacation, a few weeks before the affair started she grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye and said "I need your attention, I don't feel like you even care that I am here with you". I completely disregarded her attempts. I asked her how she could cross that line, what she was thinking when he kissed her that first time at work. She said "I felt like I had nothing to lose. I had already lost you. I felt like you didn't love me or want me anymore". It was at this time when she started sharing these feelings with him. She basicaly gave him the directions on how to reach her. He was giving her the attention and compliments, and listening to her. She understands that this is when she started crossing the line. This is really when the cheating began. This IS NOT my fault. She had many other options and choices. She could have and should have tried harder. She knows that and admits it. I am not focused on little details like a hutch. yes it bothers me so I thought I would get some of your opionions. I know in the big picture understanding how and why this happened is more important than a piece of furniture. Just wanted to clarify that I am not putting more stock in this hutch than I am our relationship.

[Realist3]

I'm glad to hear that, Ray. I wish you the best in how this evolves.

[whichwayisup]

No it isn't your fault, but at least now you can understand her frame of mind and why she chose to go outside of the marriage. Each of you are responsible for problems in the marriage..How you each dealt with it, was wrong.

 

Your wife is remorseful and is willing to do all that is required to regain your trust her in again. I'm sure you're remorseful for ignoring her attempts to have intimacy with you on all levels, making romantic gestures etc.. Now each of you know what has to be done to reconnect and affair proof your marriage, be each others first priority no matter what.

 

Glad to hear she's willing to get rid of the hutch. Donate to someone less fortunate.

[Realist3]

So first you say this

 

 

Then you find this

 

 

 

And that probably after searching for the report that would support what you would prefer to believe.

 

So either they're unreliable (if they support someone ELSE'S belief) or they're "interesting" (if they support what you prefer to believe).

 

That was a report cited by each of the people she named. Glass, Pittman, Vaughan.

[Realist3]

And there you have it folks. Absolution for the cheater. "She/he MADE me do it!" WAH WAH WAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

 

 

No it is not absolution at all. But there is no denying there was a position in the realtionship that allowed them to seek outside. Was it is his fault? I didn't say that. Was it her fault? Perhaps, and she made the ulitmate decision.

[Realist3]

So first you say this

 

 

Then you find this

 

 

 

And that probably after searching for the report that would support what you would prefer to believe.

 

So either they're unreliable (if they support someone ELSE'S belief) or they're "interesting" (if they support what you prefer to believe).

 

It dispells some of the commonly held beliefs here, including my own. You should read it.

[BetrayedH]

Yep. And if there's a new couch I'd toss that in the fire too...

 

Sorry Kidd...couldn't resist!

 

Don't get me started.

[BetrayedH]

I agree that Ray deserves to vent all he wants.

 

The question is focus. Currently he is focused on details, hutches, etc.. What about the focus on why his wife did what she did? There was a reason. And that reason has to do with some problem within their relationship. Burning hutches in the front yard and learning about every position his WS ever did it in is not addressing the fundamental issue.

 

I know that addressing that issue may not be on the top of the list for BS's because they are in a world of hurt, and can be difficult that things they may have done contributed to the actions of their WS. That is not to say the actions of the WS a were correct way to handle it, but the issues in the realtionship that led to the A must be addressed. Retribution, shame, revenge, etc., do nothing to get to the heart of the matter. Those are ancillary.

 

No reason the BS can't multi-task. If the hutch is a an impediment to the OPs healing, it can go and the WS can get over it while they work on their why.

[BetrayedH]

"What did I do to make you seek affection outside of our marriage?"

 

This board mainly deals with the symptom(The A), not the root cause of the infection.

 

The root of the problem lies within the WS that chose to solve their marital problems by having an affair. All marriages have difficulty. Having an affair to resolve them IS the problem.

[Owl]

The root of the problem lies within the WS that chose to solve their marital problems by having an affair. All marriages have difficulty. Having an affair to resolve them IS the problem.

 

Perfectly stated!!!

 

Reconciling the marriage after an affair has been ended typically INCLUDES addressing the "issues that led up to it" as well.

 

Trying to address those issues while one spouse is currently in an affair is inherently a massive waste of time, effort, and resources. It is a pointless exercise doomed to make matters worse, rather than fix anything. The affair has to be dealt with FIRST AND FOREMOST...only once that has been ended can anything be done to repair the marriage.

 

Which is WHY the focus here is on dealing with the affair first.

[2sure]

Being betrayed via infidelity...has a physical feeling , it feels violent, it feels violating. I think that Being able to demonstrate a physical reaction, symbolic or otherwise...is healthy and freeing. Getting rid of a trigger is a small and easy thing to do.

 

Getting to burn the hutch, while dancing around it and singing about karma...is a common and typical thing. It's safe.

[Realist3]

Then maybe the burden should be on the cheater to figure out what caused the betrayed spouse to burn the hutch, and not on the betrayed spouse to figure out what cause the cheater to cheat.

 

That is a one-sided approach which likely leads to failure. The burden is equal. Just because one side takes a measure that is horrible it does not mean that it absolves the other party's responsibility.

 

Unless some is just a sick serial cheater, does someone wake up one day and decide, "Yep today, I'm going to have an A." There are existing problems and they are from both parties.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Realist3

[Realist3]

The root of the problem lies within the WS that chose to solve their marital problems by having an affair. All marriages have difficulty. Having an affair to resolve them IS the problem.

 

I disagree. You are suggesting the the root problem is the affair itself, when that is nothing but the symptom/manifestation of an underlying problem.

 

What you are disagreeing with is how the WS decided to handle that underlying problem, but it does not address the problem.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I disagree. You are suggesting the the root problem is the affair itself, when that is nothing but the symptom/manifestation of an underlying problem.

 

What you are disagreeing with is how the WS decided to handle that underlying problem, but it does not address the problem.

 

No what he is saying is that ALL marriages have problems...that's normal and in itself isn't a big deal. The REAL issue that sabotages an otherwise perfectly salvageable relationship is the way in which the WS went about "solving" their "problems". THAT'S why people divorce. That's the massive marriage killer.

 

I'll claim 50% of the problems in my marriage, but dammit the divorce IMO is 100% my WW's fault for blatant sabotage and then not going NC with the AP. There's no way I could stay in a relationship like that, especially after having her get pregnant and not know who the father is. The other problems were solvable, if only she had come to ME first. And I think a huge amount of the times the "reasons" for the affair are utter BS, especially with women...because they can't admit to their own corruption >( How the hell could it go from "nothing I did" to "everything I did over 14 years"? She did nothing to look at herself, only lied about what happened, minimizing things trying to come out looking better. Instead she spent 3 months rationalizing and digging up dirt on me...screw that. She can't blame a divorce on me for things I did 7 years prior, didn't communicate about until already in the affair, and without telling the truth about her own crap. There's something seriously wrong there with how a WS handles normal marriage problems that makes it completely unworkable.

Edited December 6, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[seibert253]

fire the mc and burn the hutch in the backyard.

 

^^^^^

this

[BetrayedH]

I disagree. You are suggesting the the root problem is the affair itself, when that is nothing but the symptom/manifestation of an underlying problem.

 

What you are disagreeing with is how the WS decided to handle that underlying problem, but it does not address the problem.

 

Again, all marriages have difficulties. There are healthy ways to deal withthose problems. The WS had an obligation to fix the marital problems or to leave the marriage. "We have serious problems and I need you to work with me to address them or I will be forced to file for divorce." Instead of choosing a healthy route, the WS made an unethical, unhealthy, selfish, cowardly, and horribly damaging decision that they themselves probably would say violated their own standards. Therein lies the problem. The marriage was reparable up to that point. The decision to have an affair is the 800lb gorilla; the marital problems are normal and most certainly secondary once an affair has occured. Something was broken within a WS to make such a disastrous decision. The BS was in the same marriage and did not choose to cheat. The key is for the WS to determine why they made such a destructive choice contrary to their own belief system and that has nothing to do with the BS.

 

From what I have seen, common causes are a WS that has an excessive need for external validation, is severely conflict avoidant or has an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. In some cases, major life events (pregnancy, a death in the family, military service, or mental illness) can be contributing factors. I would agree that few choose to go out and start an affair today. This doesn't mean that the BS shares any responsibility and there are plenty of perfectly good marriages where an affair occurs. The problem (the decision to cheat) lies within the WS.

[96nole]

No what he is saying is that ALL marriages have problems...that's normal and in itself isn't a big deal. The REAL issue that sabotages an otherwise perfectly salvageable relationship is the way in which the WS went about "solving" their "problems". THAT'S why people divorce. That's the massive marriage killer.

 

I'll claim 50% of the problems in my marriage, but dammit the divorce IMO is 100% my WW's fault for blatant sabotage and then not going NC with the AP. There's no way I could stay in a relationship like that, especially after having her get pregnant and not know who the father is. The other problems were solvable, if only she had come to ME first. And I think a huge amount of the times the "reasons" for the affair are utter BS, especially with women...because they can't admit to their own corruption >( How the hell could it go from "nothing I did" to "everything I did over 14 years"? She did nothing to look at herself, only lied about what happened, minimizing things trying to come out looking better. Instead she spent 3 months rationalizing and digging up dirt on me...screw that. She can't blame a divorce on me for things I did 7 years prior, didn't communicate about until already in the affair, and without telling the truth about her own crap. There's something seriously wrong there with how a WS handles normal marriage problems that makes it completely unworkable.

 

Excellent post Ninja! The "like" button just wasn't enough for this post.

[road]

I disagree. You are suggesting the the root problem is the affair itself, when that is nothing but the symptom/manifestation of an underlying problem.

 

What you are disagreeing with is how the WS decided to handle that underlying problem, but it does not address the problem.

 

 

There is no justification for an affair.

 

An affair solves nothing.

 

The root problem is affair's only causes problems.

[frozensprouts]

I disagree. You are suggesting the the root problem is the affair itself, when that is nothing but the symptom/manifestation of an underlying problem.

 

What you are disagreeing with is how the WS decided to handle that underlying problem, but it does not address the problem.

 

the thing is that a lot of wayward spouses don't tell their betrayed spouse that they were unhappy, that they had a problem, that they flet they needed more than what they were getting form the marriage...while some wayward spouses do that, an awful lot, if asked, simply say "nothings wrong" then, in effect, they punish their betrayed spouse for not being able to somehow read their mind and know they had a problem...

 

you also read so many stories of wayward spouses who say " I thought I was happy in my marriage until I met the other man/woman"...if that is the case, then please explain to me exactly what a betrayed spouse should have done/not done to make the marriage any better- if the wayward spouse doesn't even know there's a problem, then how on earth is the betrayed spouse supposed to know?

 

If a wayward spouse is honest about it, they could tell their husband/wife " hey, I'm unhappy, and I need more than what I'm getting. We can either work together to make some changes that make us both happier, have an "open marriage" where we can both go outside our marriage to get what we feel is lacking, or go our separate ways" ( I assume the wording would be different) . The simple fact of the matter is that such a conversation is hard, and once the conversation is started, the eventual outcome is an unknown...

 

with an affair, the wayward spouse gets to have the "excitement" of their affair partner, and the comfort and security of their spouse with much less risk to themselves and their lifestyle...in short, it's "easy", but quite cowardly...

 

like so many things in life, the "easy" way is often not the best way or the way that leads to the most positive of outcomes...

 

I don't think anyone is saying that a betrayed spouse has never been hurtful or is perfect, rather, they are saying that if there is a problem, the cheating spouse has found the worst possible solution...

[Realist3]

the thing is that a lot of wayward spouses don't tell their betrayed spouse that they were unhappy, that they had a problem, that they flet they needed more than what they were getting form the marriage...while some wayward spouses do that, an awful lot, if asked, simply say "nothings wrong" then, in effect, they punish their betrayed spouse for not being able to somehow read their mind and know they had a problem...

 

you also read so many stories of wayward spouses who say " I thought I was happy in my marriage until I met the other man/woman"...if that is the case, then please explain to me exactly what a betrayed spouse should have done/not done to make the marriage any better- if the wayward spouse doesn't even know there's a problem, then how on earth is the betrayed spouse supposed to know?

 

If a wayward spouse is honest about it, they could tell their husband/wife " hey, I'm unhappy, and I need more than what I'm getting. We can either work together to make some changes that make us both happier, have an "open marriage" where we can both go outside our marriage to get what we feel is lacking, or go our separate ways" ( I assume the wording would be different) . The simple fact of the matter is that such a conversation is hard, and once the conversation is started, the eventual outcome is an unknown...

 

with an affair, the wayward spouse gets to have the "excitement" of their affair partner, and the comfort and security of their spouse with much less risk to themselves and their lifestyle...in short, it's "easy", but quite cowardly...

 

like so many things in life, the "easy" way is often not the best way or the way that leads to the most positive of outcomes...

 

I don't think anyone is saying that a betrayed spouse has never been hurtful or is perfect, rather, they are saying that if there is a problem, the cheating spouse has found the worst possible solution...

 

I agree with that, especially the bolded part. I also presume there are many reasons for not coming forward, especially in longer term M. Rifts develop, and broaching those subjects may just not seem worth the time and effort. Could be many things.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree with that, especially the bolded part. I also presume there are many reasons for not coming forward, especially in longer term M. Rifts develop, and broaching those subjects may just not seem worth the time and effort. Could be many things.

So now you blame shifting and justifying the lies and lack of communication as well?

 

The mind of a cheater, wow. I guess people have to be able to live with themselves.

 

My wife did the same thing though. She started blaming me for her fears, which were completely unfounded. She thought I'd literally kill her if she told the truth What a loon. It's the lies that create what you fear the most...self fulfilling prophecy, that's when I got the most explosive, when i discovered the lies.

Edited December 6, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband