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OM put up hutch in my house. It's a painful trigger. ??

raykinsella

By raykinsella
in Infidelity

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Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted
It's been less than 3-4 months. So, this guy should throw in the towel without giving his best? His wife giving it her best? You don't know him at all, only the bits and pieces you read on here so to make that assumption about him, isn't fair at all. And low blow pot shot about the underwear . If you can't be kind while giving advice, why bother? He is in pain and the last thing he needs is unnecessary rudeness.

 

While my comments may not have been the most comforting in tone, they still speak a certain truth.

 

No, I do not know every twist and turn of his battle in dealing with his spouse's betrayal, but he has stated enough for it to be obvious that he will never get past this event. There will always be something. His bitterness is so deep that it will never be right. There is nothing wrong with that, but he as to accept it and move on. This relationship will never be a positive for him or her.

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted
Correction. His wife is beyond repair. He isn't.

 

Does it really matter? Best I can tell she is willing to make a repair, it is he that has the issues at this point. I don't fault him for those issues, but they are there.

Cb3657 Established Member

Cb3657

Posted
Posted

Realist, I really think you are just flat wrong to come onto this forum and advise people to " just get over it" . You are on the supply side of this problem, can't you see how debased that makes you sound. Please Man use some of the pain here to examine what YOU do, stop trying to advise others.

I will tell you I am with my first wife and neither of us has cheated, not everyone falls into affairs and it is not just a natural thing people do. I know you like to think of yourself as devils advocate, the man who speaks what no one dares to think but its like some drugged out stoner warning about the hazard of drugs while shooting up. You are mocking pain.

  • Like 7
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I think you should just tear the damn thing down.

Assuming you live in a community property state, I think you should only tear out your half :eek: !!! Use a chainsaw and divide it vertically or horizontally, your choice :cool: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted
OP - read this over and over. This is what's going through your wife's mind.

 

 

To burn a hutch you need a great fire starter. Nothing better then the clothes, shoes, underwear, jewelry that WW wore on her dates with the OM.

 

A WW is not allowed to keep anything that is connected to the OM.

  • Like 4
96nole Established Member

96nole

Posted
Posted
To burn a hutch you need a great fire starter. Nothing better then the clothes, shoes, underwear, jewelry that WW wore on her dates with the OM.

 

A WW is not allowed to keep anything that is connected to the OM.

 

I agree 100%. This is non-negotiable. All connections to the the OM must be removed.

  • Like 2
beenburned Established Member

beenburned

Posted
Posted

I agree with the poster that said to donate it to someone who could really use it. It's Christmas time and there are many people hurting in this bad economy!

Plus, it will make you feel real good to do something special for someone in need!:love:

  • Like 1
Steadfast Established Member

Steadfast

Posted
Posted
Fire the MC and burn the hutch in the backyard.

 

Yep. And if there's a new couch I'd toss that in the fire too...:D:laugh:

 

Sorry Kidd...couldn't resist! :lmao:

Steadfast Established Member

Steadfast

Posted
Posted
You are foused on a hutch? Polygraphs? Your trigger will be her underwear next. You are a person that dwells on the past. No matter what it is it will trigger a response. Move on.

 

OP - read this over and over. This is what's going through your wife's mind.

 

This is a great example of true and accurate advise gone wrong. IMO.

 

Are we forgetting why this forum exists? No matter what the circumstance, I'd wager we all 'moved on' from betrayal with our own baby steps. It's very possible that this forum is an outlet for Ray the OP to vent...express his feelings and maybe think out loud. And this is the response he gets? No matter how good (we think) our advice is, it may not fit. I'm guilty too.

 

I read somewhere once that infidelity brings out the worst in a person. I agree with that. Just another reason why successful reconciliation is rare.

  • Like 1
TheCollector Established Member

TheCollector

Posted
Posted
Fire the MC and burn the hutch in the backyard.

 

I know this is the most quoted post on this thread and rightfully sout when I read the original post my absolute first thought was burn that f-ing thing in the FRONT YARD! That way when everyone one your street asks "what was that all about?" You can tell them exactly why. She will sure hang her head low when everyone knows her shame!

Oh and giving it away isn't a bad idea BUT it sure doesn't have the same emphasis!

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted

I agree that Ray deserves to vent all he wants.

 

The question is focus. Currently he is focused on details, hutches, etc.. What about the focus on why his wife did what she did? There was a reason. And that reason has to do with some problem within their relationship. Burning hutches in the front yard and learning about every position his WS ever did it in is not addressing the fundamental issue.

 

I know that addressing that issue may not be on the top of the list for BS's because they are in a world of hurt, and can be difficult that things they may have done contributed to the actions of their WS. That is not to say the actions of the WS a were correct way to handle it, but the issues in the realtionship that led to the A must be addressed. Retribution, shame, revenge, etc., do nothing to get to the heart of the matter. Those are ancillary.

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted
Um, the reason could very well be a problem within HER, just as Sparks' WS had the problem within HIMself, as well as many others on this board who have had infidelity touch them.

 

It very well could be, but it could just as easily be a problem with him or both. That may not be easy to address for a BS, but it does take two to tango, and relationship problems are rarely just the fault of one side. I'm sure it is very difficult for BS's to want to explore the possibility that they may have been a contributor because they now have all of the power and control. Lookig at themselves and their actions would be very difficult. But if you skip back to the day before the WS decided to take the plunge into an A, there was something wrong with the relationship.

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted

Until that fundamental problem is dealt with all of this other stuff is meaningless.

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted (edited)

"What did I do to make you seek affection outside of our marriage?"

 

This board mainly deals with the symptom(The A), not the root cause of the infection.

Edited by Realist3
Decorative Established Member

Decorative

Posted
Posted
Um, the reason could very well be a problem within HER, just as Sparks' WS had the problem within HIMself, as well as many others on this board who have had infidelity touch them.

 

And mine.

 

A lot of people on this board would benefit greatly from reading about affair causation. Then they would stop indiscriminately blaming a marriage. When it is the Chester's choice.

 

A person cannot control another person. You cannot fix another person. The betrayeds were in the same marriages, and did not choose to cheat.

 

Very often , the overbenefitted partner, the partner giving less to the marriage, is the cheater. The person giving more is likely to be the betrayed party.

 

Glass, Fisher, Pittman and Vaughn all give excellent explanation and information about this.

  • Like 4
Decorative Established Member

Decorative

Posted
Posted
Until that fundamental problem is dealt with all of this other stuff is meaningless.

 

Totally agree.

 

The problem is that a large amount of the time- the fundamental problem is the wayward. And a betrayed spouse and marriage cannot fix that.

  • Like 5
eleanorrigby Established Member

eleanorrigby

Posted
Posted
I agree that Ray deserves to vent all he wants.

 

The question is focus. Currently he is focused on details, hutches, etc.. What about the focus on why his wife did what she did? There was a reason. And that reason has to do with some problem within their relationship. Burning hutches in the front yard and learning about every position his WS ever did it in is not addressing the fundamental issue.

 

I know that addressing that issue may not be on the top of the list for BS's because they are in a world of hurt, and can be difficult that things they may have done contributed to the actions of their WS. That is not to say the actions of the WS a were correct way to handle it, but the issues in the realtionship that led to the A must be addressed. Retribution, shame, revenge, etc., do nothing to get to the heart of the matter. Those are ancillary.

 

I don't know how far Ray is out from d-day but if it's soon, I think where he is right now is part of the process. I spent a long time in that loop as well before I moved to the next stage.

  • Like 1
Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted
Totally agree.

 

The problem is that a large amount of the time- the fundamental problem is the wayward. And a betrayed spouse and marriage cannot fix that.

 

How do you arrive at that conclusion? It can't be based upon what you read here because we are only getting one side of the story.

 

Relationships are not one-sided.

 

Maybe the WS didn't want to bring up what those problems were. Maybe bringing up those problems would have made them face problems the BS has with them. I'm just saying that for someone to go outside of the marriage there is a problem.

 

I think too often we tend to look at A's as we do DWI crashes. if one person is drunk then the accident is automatically their fault, regardless if the other driver caused the accident.

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted
And mine.

 

A lot of people on this board would benefit greatly from reading about affair causation. Then they would stop indiscriminately blaming a marriage. When it is the Chester's choice.

 

A person cannot control another person. You cannot fix another person. The betrayeds were in the same marriages, and did not choose to cheat.

 

Very often , the overbenefitted partner, the partner giving less to the marriage, is the cheater. The person giving more is likely to be the betrayed party.

 

Glass, Fisher, Pittman and Vaughn all give excellent explanation and information about this.

 

I agree. It is the cheaters choice, ultimately.

Decorative Established Member

Decorative

Posted
Posted
How do you arrive at that conclusion? It can't be based upon what you read here because we are only getting one side of the story.

 

Relationships are not one-sided.

 

Maybe the WS didn't want to bring up what those problems were. Maybe bringing up those problems would have made them face problems the BS has with them. I'm just saying that for someone to go outside of the marriage there is a problem.

 

I think too often we tend to look at A's as we do DWI crashes. if one person is drunk then the accident is automatically their fault, regardless if the other driver caused the accident.

 

As I said above, you should read up on peer reviewed analysis of affair causation.

 

Then you would understand the issue.

 

I hope you do. It would help you, your betrayed spouse, your affair partner , and her betrayed husband.

Decorative Established Member

Decorative

Posted
Posted

I agree that relationships are not one sided. That is absolutely true.

 

But you can keep your side of the street clean, and if your partner does not, it still doesn't mean that you caused or gave a reason for the cheating.

 

You know what extensive counseling, reading, and the path to recovery taught me?

 

I was too damn nice to my spouse before and during the affair.

 

So yes, that is absolutely on me. You can feel free to count that as a factor in his affair, his choice to cheat. How rude of me. To be loving and kind to him. I mean, really, the nerve of me!

 

My spouse has never blamed me for even ten seconds for his affair. Never. He has never even thought of it- and when I initially found out and blamed myself- he freaked out and tripped over himself to make sure I understood it was not about me at all.

  • Like 1
Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted

I will check it out, but as you probably know that affair studies are inherently unreliable due to numerous factors, willing participants to get a true representation, honesty, and a host of others. But I will check it out. There methods may have been sound, but whether representive of the population at large is always an issue.

Decorative Established Member

Decorative

Posted
Posted (edited)
I will check it out, but as you probably know that affair studies are inherently unreliable due to numerous factors, willing participants to get a true representation, honesty, and a host of others. But I will check it out. There methods may have been sound, but whether representive of the population at large is always an issue.

 

I did not say statistics. For the record. :)

 

Affair causation and the psychology of it all. That is what your responses show no understanding of.

Edited by Decorative
  • Like 1
Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted

Just did a quick search. Interesting.

 

Infidelity Myths

 

Following are some of the most common myths or faulty beliefs about extramarital affairs and infidelity (Research findings debunking these myths are presented in the next section and throughout this paper):

  • An affair inevitably destroys the marriage.
     
  • Human beings are naturally monogamous.
     
  • Monogamy is the norm in our society and most other societies.
     
  • Society, as a whole, supports monogamy. Men initiate almost all affairs.
     
  • An affair always means there are serious problems in the marriage.
     
  • Infidelity is a sign that sex is missing or unsatisfactory at home.
     
  • Women are more likely to have an affair because they feel unhappy in their marriages while men, on the other hand, will do it just for sex.
     
  • Men who have affairs are more likely to do so without emotional involvement, whereas women's affairs are more often accompanied by emotional involvement.
     
  • Telling all the details of the affair to the betrayed spouse will help heal the marriage.
     
  • Affairs should always be disclosed to the un-involved partner (regardless of the potential for domestic violence or even murder when such disclosure take place).
     
  • Men are more concerned about their romantic partners having passionate sex with someone else, while women are more concerned that their partners are falling-in-love with someone else.
     
  • Most people are monogamous, so an affair indicates a moral failure, character deficiency and a failure of the marriage.
     
  • People generally seek in an affair what they do not get at home from their spouse.
     
  • Concerns about AIDS will reduce the frequency of affairs.
     
  • Marital sex is always safe sex.
     
  • Internet sex and Internet infidelity are not considered extramarital affairs.
     
  • Extramarital affairs are never consensual.
     
  • Parental infidelity increases the likelihood of their children's infidelity.

 

http://www.zurinstitute.com/infidelity.html

Decorative Established Member

Decorative

Posted
Posted

good luck to you, Realist. I am going to go ahead and not respond to your further postings.

  • Like 1
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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