Tafita Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Hi. I recently posted in another forum but could use some guidance. My bosses’ sister contacted me saying a friend of hers (who saw me at an event that recently passed) inquired about me and wanted to say hi! I'll refer to him as Cutie Head She gave me his contact info and I reached out to introduce myself. We corresponded for a few days, Cutie Head gave me his number saying to call sometime. I didn’t call initially but after further correspondence I gave him my number and suggested meeting up sometime. He thought it was a good idea and called soon after, and we scheduled a day to meet. I greeted Cutie Head with a kiss on the cheek... At the end of the date, we hugged (he asked if he could give me a hug). Cutie Head seemed a bit quiet/reserved so I wasn’t sure if I was his type or what. He mentioned seeing each other again, I said "how about at my boss’s Christmas party" (which I forgot was several weeks away). He laughed and said “well I was hoping it would be sooner than that” and we had a chuckle. He called a couple hours after to say he had a nice time, thought I was pretty and I responded same. I reached out to him a couple days later seeing if he was free to join me and mutual friends for dinner over the weekend, but he had school in the evenings in addition to work and couldn’t. I said bummer but wished him a good night. I sent a text and said “wish you were here”. From thereon we communicated pretty much daily, and went out on a couple dates. I was asking Cutie Head out, he was initiating phone communication. On our last date, things went all the way physically. He left in the morning as we both had things to do but he called an hour after he left and we talked throughout the day and have been ever since. So everything seems to be going at a good pace, yet a few weeks have since passed and he hasn’t asked me out. He did make reference to seeing a play at some point. Do you think Cutie Head is just trying to keep it at a comfortable pace based on our interaction up to this point? Edit to add we've been talking/dating for close to two months.
clia Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 You have been doing so much pursuing it doesn't even sound like you've given him a chance to do anything. All he's had to do is sit back and send out a few text messages. In fact, based on what you wrote he has conveyed very little interest in you. (I'm sorry to be blunt.) Do I have it right that you've only been on three dates with him in two months? Let's review: She gave me his contact info and I reached out to introduce myself. If he inquired about you, what were you doing reaching out to him? We corresponded for a few days, Cutie Head gave me his number saying to call sometime. Note that he didn't ask for your number. He just gave you his. Passive behavior. Men who want to be able to reach you make damn sure they get your number. I didn’t call initially but after further correspondence I gave him my number and suggested meeting up sometime. So, you e-mailed back and forth with him, and he never asked for your number. Awesome. You initiated giving him your number, you initiated getting together. He thought it was a good idea and called soon after, and we scheduled a day to meet. Ah, he called! Finally! Wonderful! I greeted Cutie Head with a kiss on the cheek... Ugh. You initiated physical contact. At the end of the date, we hugged (he asked if he could give me a hug). Blah. He didn't try to kiss you, though. He mentioned seeing each other again, I said "how about at my boss’s Christmas party" (which I forgot was several weeks away). He laughed and said “well I was hoping it would be sooner than that” and we had a chuckle. Let's review this. He mentions seeing each other again. Rather than waiting for him to suggest something and to, I don't know, actually ask you out on a date, you suggest that he go with you to a work event with all of your coworkers that is several weeks away? Ugh. Just ugh. Not only is this massive pursuit, it is presumptuous and scary to most guys to suggest something like that on a first date. You are lucky he didn't run away. It's funny that you had a chuckle over it all, but I notice he didn't ask you out on a date right then, which he could have done. In fact, most men who are very interested will line something up as soon as they can. All he had to do was say "Hey, what about Tuesday? Want to grab some dinner?" He did not do this. He called a couple hours after to say he had a nice time, thought I was pretty and I responded same. Good! Oh, but he still hasn't asked you out again. I reached out to him a couple days later seeing if he was free to join me and mutual friends for dinner over the weekend, but he had school in the evenings in addition to work and couldn’t. I said bummer but wished him a good night. More pursuing by you -- you reached out, you asked him out. He declined, and did not even suggest an alternative plan. I sent a text and said “wish you were here”. How did he respond to this? I don't think it's a good idea to send texts like this to guys you have been on one date with. From thereon we communicated pretty much daily, and went out on a couple dates. I was asking Cutie Head out, he was initiating phone communication. Is this text or a phone call coming from him pretty much daily? How long are you talking on the phone? Any future talk? Any exclusivity talk? Who paid for the dates and what did you do? On our last date, things went all the way physically. According to the above, this was your third date? Check this guy out -- he never even had to ask you out and you slept with him. Score. He left in the morning as we both had things to do but he called an hour after he left and we talked throughout the day and have been ever since. Who is initiating the talking throughout the day, and is it text or a phone call? So everything seems to be going at a good pace, yet a few weeks have since passed and he hasn’t asked me out. Listen, three dates in two months is not a good pace. At all. That's not even once a week. It's a super incredibly slow pace. If things were actually moving forward to a relationship, you should've been on at least eight dates, and even as many as 24 or 25 (three times a week). Sometimes it makes sense and you can't get the momentum going -- crazy work schedules, live too far apart, etc. You haven't really indicated any of that here. Worse, you had sex with him and he isn't pounding down your door to do it again. Honestly, this guy doesn't seem all that interested in you. He did make reference to seeing a play at some point. Who cares? Has he taken any steps to buy tickets? No? Then all the talk, talk, talk doesn't matter! In short, I think it is a huge red flag that in two months he hasn't asked you out. I don't care if he's shy or busy or whatever. Guys who are interested don't do that. If I were you, I would cut bait with this guy. 1
Author Tafita Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Gahh, I guess I was a bit too forward. I'll reply to your questions in a bit after I've given them some more thought. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
Tara247 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Tafita, stop pursuing. Give him a chance to pursue YOU. If he doesn't, well, then you have your answer. You have been way too aggresive.
Author Tafita Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) Do I have it right that you've only been on three dates with him in two months? Four dates in a month and a half since we first met in person, four dates in two months since we started talking. If he inquired about you, what were you doing reaching out to him? My friend said he tried to contact me on my profile, but I had it blocked (which I did). Note that he didn't ask for your number. He just gave you his. Passive behavior. Men who want to be able to reach you make damn sure they get your number. Yes, I thought that too. But maybe he didn't want to be too forward so he went through our mutual friend instead. :/ So, you e-mailed back and forth with him, and he never asked for your number. Awesome. You initiated giving him your number, you initiated getting together. No he didn't ask for my number. He did inquire a few times why I had not called yet when we first started talking. Something along the lines of "it's okay to call, I won't bite". How did he respond to this? I don't think it's a good idea to send texts like this to guys you have been on one date with. He said something alongs of "awe, that's cute". Is this text or a phone call coming from him pretty much daily? How long are you talking on the phone? Any future talk? Any exclusivity talk? Who paid for the dates and what did you do? He called pretty much every day, with texting in addition. Sometimes we'd talk for a few minutes, other times longer. No concrete future talk on his part or exclusivity. Sometimes he'd hint at meeting up, but like I said, it never happened unless I was the one being the "do'er". And he paid for the dates, a couple times we went out to dinner, a lounge for some drinks and he came with me to a work party and brought me a cute teddy bear with some balloons. According to the above, this was your third date? Check this guy out -- he never even had to ask you out and you slept with him. Score. Haha, yes I guess so. The teddy bear did me in. :love: Oh, and it was the 4th date. Who is initiating the talking throughout the day, and is it text or a phone call? Mostly him. Listen, three dates in two months is not a good pace. At all. That's not even once a week. It's a super incredibly slow pace. If things were actually moving forward to a relationship, you should've been on at least eight dates, and even as many as 24 or 25 (three times a week). Sometimes it makes sense and you can't get the momentum going -- crazy work schedules, live too far apart, etc. You haven't really indicated any of that here. Worse, you had sex with him and he isn't pounding down your door to do it again. Honestly, this guy doesn't seem all that interested in you. Well, 4 dates. Two of the weeks we BOTH had stuff going on so I could not have met up with him anyway. Still, it was me who was doing most of the pursuing, if you consider the date thing. Not there should be a sliding scale, I'm okay with taking initiative but I think that threw things off balance. Or, it's something entirely different. I think seeing each other three times a week is a bit much when you first start dating, 1-2 x's a week I'd be comfortable with but you reach a point when it stalls and it's not going forward so that brings me to where I am emotionally, now (IE, thinking about cutting bait). Maybe he wants to cut bait and is waiting for me to do it, who knows. Edited December 4, 2012 by Tafita
Author Tafita Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Tafita, stop pursuing. Give him a chance to pursue YOU. If he doesn't, well, then you have your answer. You have been way too aggresive. So are you suggesting that I shouldn't mention seeing each other again? What if he keeps calling, how am I supposed to respond? I mean, calling is pursuing, isn't it?
todreaminblue Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 So are you suggesting that I shouldn't mention seeing each other again? What if he keeps calling, how am I supposed to respond? I mean, calling is pursuing, isn't it? constant phoen contact is pursuing if he is initiating then that is pursuing an answer or response......if you get no reply...he isnt showing an interest in communicating with you......so you would leave it...keep replying take one day at a time and see where it leads, while you feel comfortable when you start to feel he isnt responding or communicating and it makes you feel insecure or uncomfortable....dont contact him..but other wise if he is communicating communicate back....deb
Necromancer Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 He didn't even have to do anything, I'll repeat it 3 times. Looks!. Looks!. Looks!.
clia Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Well, four dates in six weeks isn't as bad as as three dates in eight weeks, but things should definitely be picking up momentum by now. I do think by now seeing each other twice a week would be fairly normal. So are you suggesting that I shouldn't mention seeing each other again? What if he keeps calling, how am I supposed to respond? I mean, calling is pursuing, isn't it? You didn't ask me, but I'm going to give you my input anyway. I wouldn't mention seeing each other again. Let him bring it up and let him come up with a plan. If he keeps calling, you should warm, receptive, friendly, and encouraging. If he leaves a voice mail, call him back. If he texts you, text him back. But no "I miss you" type texts. However, let him suggest a day to go out. And yes, calling is pursuing to a certain point. But phone calls don't make a relationship -- seeing each other makes a relationship.
Author Tafita Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 constant phoen contact is pursuing if he is initiating then that is pursuing an answer or response......if you get no reply...he isnt showing an interest in communicating with you......so you would leave it...keep replying take one day at a time and see where it leads, while you feel comfortable when you start to feel he isnt responding or communicating and it makes you feel insecure or uncomfortable....dont contact him..but other wise if he is communicating communicate back....deb Thanks Deb. He didn't even have to do anything, I'll repeat it 3 times. Looks!. Looks!. Looks!. Huh? I wouldn't say he hasn't done anything... But yes, he has been quite passive. I'm not used to dating passive guys. You didn't ask me, but I'm going to give you my input anyway. I wouldn't mention seeing each other again. Let him bring it up and let him come up with a plan. If he keeps calling, you should warm, receptive, friendly, and encouraging. If he leaves a voice mail, call him back. If he texts you, text him back. But no "I miss you" type texts. However, let him suggest a day to go out. And yes, calling is pursuing to a certain point. But phone calls don't make a relationship -- seeing each other makes a relationship. Thanks for your input too. I'll try to refrain from mentioning seeing each other again. He has to know that I have a life too and keeping in contact is fine because I like him a lot but phone contact to me is just a small fraction of investment on someone's part.
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