My heartbreak

[LaMiserable]

I fear I'll always love him. I fear I'll never love another man again... not truly and nothing in comparison. My love for him was pure, innocent and naive. I believed in unconditional love and respect. I lived it, preached it and basked in it. *I met him when I was 16. He was 18. I'd had experienced puppy-love by then and was open for something more serious. The types of guys I was dating made that pretty impossible. I had quite a thing for"bad boys" back then. I started realizing that I needed to open myself up to new people, away from the high school boys from my corner of suburbia. *I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I met him, I was ready. It must have been in the stars, it was my destiny. He couldn't speak a word of English and it was quite a struggle for me to express myself in French. Regardless, we fell in love instantly and moved in together within weeks of meeting. We had our ups and downs throughout the relationship however we never broke up. We loved each other and didnt entertain breaking up as a solution to our problems. I can honestly say that over-all I was quite happy, very much in love and grateful. I considered myself very lucky to have found "the one", my "Mr. Right" and so young. I went from dreaming of spending the rest of my life with him to feeling secure in knowing I would. He proposed on September 10, 2006. Our relationship was far from perfect of course but I truly didnt worry too much about his little imperfections. I realized we were (are) both young and I had understood early on that we were constantly changing and growing as individuals, as well as a couple. I loved experiencing that with him and I was convinced that those imperfections would work out as we continued to grow up together.*

 

He started changing quite drastically about a year ago. It was after he joined the knight's of columbus, strangely enough. And shortly after our vacation in the Dom. Rep. He sat me down one day and told me he was no longer happy with his work. He was making good money but he could no longer continue doing it. My response was a positive one. Hell I knew he wasnt happy with what he was doing and I told him he had my full support and cooperation, financial help if needed as well. He began to explain how a business opportunity had very recently become available to him. I was a bit surprised to hear that. He was never interested in business as he always claimed to not want that kind of responsibility. However by this time he was 28 and it was definitely a concept that interested me. I dreamed of owning our own business together for years. Given that he is extremely charming, handsome, manipulative and bright I believed in him and I was happy for him! I was happy for us. He explained to me his hours would change drastically and he couldnt be as present at home as he usually was. I told him not to worry, I was more than willing to pick up his slack and do extra on my part. He told me he loved me, that although the change of work hours would be hard on any relationship he was confidant we were a strong couple. I agreed. *He did leave his job and take over the business. Within a month I no longer recognized him. He became extremely mean and irritated. He would constantly pick on me for little things like pronouncing a French word badly, which he had never done. He usually encouraged my French, and after spending the last ten years speaking solely French at home, my French is excellent!*Then he started on my smoking habits. Something I have regretfully done as long as he's known me. When we met he was a smoker as well, he had quit about five years prior. My smoking had never been an issue before. He was also my best-friend and I felt the divide between us. He wasnt opening up to me anymore. He wasnt hiding his emails or cell phone or bank statements - but he wasnt sharing himself with me anymore. Random daily interactions with him started feeling odd, different. *I knew he was tired and I knew to expect changes due to his new business. I was still honest enough to tell him I felt we were drifting apart, nothing more. A few months or so in to the new company and completely out of the blue, he told me he was no longer in love with me. I was extremely shocked, hurt and utterly devastated. I didn't freak out just yet though. I immediately thought I knew what was happening and was convinced that we could "fix" it. We were on our tenth year of our relationship. He was nearing 30, *He was unhappy with his profession and changed it drastically...maybe changing careers wasn't the answer to his unhappiness and he was now blaming us-me? Surely it couldn't be that he no longer loved me. Were family, you don't just stop loving family like that. Do you? Something was wrong though. He started buying and changing his cars, acting younger-immature.

I did all the wrong things after that. I absolutely refused to believe he didn't love me. I told him he was confused and that it was normal for people to fall out of love after so long. I offered counseling, a vacation - any thing that would help mend the tear and bring us back together. He didn't want to work on us. I asked him if he met someone else, he was adamant he had not and he claimed he was never unfaithful. Throughout our ten years I had never caught him cheating. I knew he was a bit of a flirt but he is a very charming man and I truly believed it was innocent. As I myself can be quite the flirt and sometimes without even realizing it and my intentions were*always innocent. It most certainly crossed my mind there was another woman. Specially when he started erasing his text messages. All of them. When I questioned him, he replied he found he kept texting others in error. We both have iphones and I was guilty of the same mistake every now and then - yet I found it extremely strange coming from him. He never hid anything from me. I chose to believe him anyway, he hadn't given me reason not too. My life started spiraling out of control soon after. My heart was beyond broken but I had so much hope he would come out of this...this... mid mid-life crisis. I had no intent on abandoning him or our relationship.**Life kinda went back to normal in a way. We stayed a couple but were no longer intimate-only to keep up appearances with friends and family. We no longer had sex. That was always an issue for me- part of the "imperfections" I learned to live with over the years. I have always been a more passionate person in general- in love, in music, in life. My sex drive was always, from the beginning much higher than his. This No sex was hard on my ego but I respected he needed time to sort out his emotions. I lived like that for a few months. It was awful. He became extremely cold with me and totally unloving. I would just break down and cry, he didnt even care. I tried to suggest seeking help, he wasnt interested. I kept asking why he stayed if he wasnt bothering to work on us and all he could respond was that he was working on us, in his own way. I knew there was no way our relationship could survive if he refused to work with me. The more days that passed the more of a stranger he became and the more depressed I became. We continued sleeping together, eating together, going out on dates and social events together all the while without any intimacy -except the odd peck on the lips to save face. It almost killed me. Just writing about that time in my life renders me to tears. I started drinking-a lot. Binge drinking to the point of blacking out. I hated myself for having let this happen to us. I blamed myself for everything and I over compensated constantly. I had always coddled him- he was very spoiled with me but I pushed myself even harder. I spent even more money on him, I made his favorite meals every night. Nothing helped, It just got worse. Finally he came home one night after work, after 5 long months of pure hell and told me he couldn't keep doing this. I agreed, it was killing me slowly. He left and stayed at a friend's. We had no contact during that first week. We had never gone more than two nights apart in ten years. I remember hoping the stories we hear about dying of a broken heart were true- still, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was just a matter of time before he would come running back home. Who would cook and clean for him? Make him his favorite dishes? Massage him every night? Who would help him with his every day decisions? Who would look

Out for his best interests and stand by his side? What about me and my finances? The house belongs to me, I had inherited it from my father. My ex convinced me a few years prior to buy out my sister's half and renovate. I could no longer afford the mortgage alone! How was I to afford to feed and clothes myself? What of his mustang gt in my name? Or his four wheeler? Over 30k of vehicles he owed under my name! I trusted him with this not even a year ago. Why would he abandon me? By now his business was pretty well established. He was making thousands a week. He had acquired another business as well. I feared he was going to over work himself but I full heartedly helped him with as much as I could. *(many hours I worked for free) During the first week he left, I tried to keep up some normalcy. I kept our dog. I packed up all of his belongings. He came by after a week to pick up his things and I was very nice. I even helped him hull the 75 inch TV to the back of his truck. It killed me the whole time. The rest has been a horrible nightmare. All of our friends were mutual. Since he acquired the companies he hired most of them. At first they kept contact with me but it was obvious they did it to be polite. I did them all a big favor and though I remained cordial I didn't pursue our friendships. I wonder if they've realized now who the real friend had been. Trust me it was not my very selfish ex.*

It has been 9 months. I never called him back. Within two months of separation and no contact, I was told he had a new girlfriend. I was beyond hurt. I know her... She used to work at the same place he had left. She was sleeping with one of his employees at the time. She's also 18 years old. I was, am disgusted with him. I thought he was a man of honor! He was a very moral man, and now this? How could anyone not see how wrong it is for a 30 yr old man in a position of authority to have a sexual relationship with an 18 yr old! At 26, I shouldn't be made to feel old! Yet no one seems to care or judge him for it. During the time we have been apart, I've learnt that he was not the man I thought him to be. People started coming to me with instances were he had cheated. I found out- surprise, surprise that he had been seeing her before we broke up. He left me after ten years and in financial ruin, responsible for a large home - for an 18 yr old blonde. Ouch. Since, I've lost my job, a great job with full benefits. I stopped working because I started drinking too much. I stopped caring. I've lost a lot of weight. I still dream of him. I feel I've only now begun to accept what has happened. We still have no contact. He is still in a relationship with this girl. I doubt he will ever come back and if he were I'm not sure I could forgive him. I miss my best friend and lover terribly - but I'm wracked with uncertainty as I question if I truly knew him at all. I do know I have no regrets. I treated him like a king- he knows that. He knew, everyone knew how much I loved him. Time will tell. In the meantime, he bought a deluxe condo next door to my only family member- my younger sister. I'm sure he got a great deal but it was still cruel of him. I see him every now and again drive by in my mustang with his girlfriend. It cuts like a knife, doesn't it? We do have to still work out transferring the cars over. I'm dreading having to see him. As far as the house goes, I've already gone through my savings. It hasn't been easy living in the suburbs without a car or transportation so I had to buy a little car to get groceries, dog food. I don't have my license yet, so I only use it when it is very cold. I'm sure it is just a matter of time before I will have to sell my childhood home. I often wonder what I've done wrong to deserve this. My ex promised my father on his death bed he would care for the house when he was gone. I really need my Daddy right now. Thank you all for reading and letting me rant.*

[bjgfreedom]

Hi for some reason i felt compelled and heartbroken for u. U really did nothing wrong but did your best. Only thing i can say is maybe u tried to hard to make someone else happy and they took it for granted. Also maybe hes a man that started to have urges to experience another women n not one for rest of his life. Personally, you were the victim and you didnt deserve that kinda of treatment. Its sad to hear good people like yourself become victims. I can say i was a victim as well for being a man who sacrificed his life for his lover etc I normall dont read long letters but i chose to read yours and i felled compelled to comment, this 1st time im commenting as well hehe I am heartbroken for u as well. My advice we dont live in the Heavens and perfect world so were going to experience times of joy and sadness. Focus on yourself and create new memories with somebody else. Be like a river keep on flowing if u keep thinking about past the river might end up stale. Its part of life to fail to learn from them before we succeed. I feel forever heartbroken as well forever. Good luck

[LaMiserable]

Hi BJGFreedom,

 

I really had'nt realized how long that was, sorry for that. Thank you so much for reading. Your comment means more to me than you could ever know. Be good to yourself