plainjane79 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 So I'm feeling a little down today and doing a lot of thinking, and thought I'd post some questions to ease my mind. Thinking back on most of the relationships I've had, I have seen a pattern emerge. I have almost never had a guy officially "end" a relationship with me. Many of the men I date start out super-interested in me, but after a month or two, they just kind of drift off. However, they continue to show up once in awhile. It's usually not for sex, either...it's almost as though they like me as a friend but just won't have the conversation with me making that transition from dating to friend, or just saying "I don't really see this going anywhere." I often hear about women trying to call a man after a few dates and having the guy avoid their calls like the plague and I'm stupified, because this has never happened to me. Ever. In some twisted way, I sometimes wish it WOULD happen because then I'd know the guy was a cowardly dbag or that he hated my guts instead of wondering why I'm always the buddy and never the girlfriend. In fact, some of my closest friends now are guys that I dated for a few months many years ago, and we aren't FWB or anything like that. And none of them want to tell me why they weren't in love with me to start with. They'll just say things like they were looking for something "different." I have had three "serious" relationships in my life, two during my early-mid 20s that lasted about a year and a half each (I ended the first and he ended the second but I was relieved,) and an 8 month one about a year ago which he ended, but I suspected (and still do) that the last boyfriend had some sexual hang-ups, so the relationship was always a bit stunted and I'm not really sure if it "counts." I'm also not hideous or anything...I'm reasonably attractive and educated and have a respectable career. Sometimes I worry that I might be a little boring, but people who know me say I'm being ridiculous about that and that it's all in my head, and it's not like I don't try. I read the paper, read lots of books, go running, I've traveled the world and lived in Europe and Asia, blah blah blah. I'm trying to get into cycling and snowboarding this winter too, just to round myself out for the outdoorsy boys. I can't help if I'm not having interesting conversations about all of this but I do what I can. In any case, I'm just starting to feel hopeless about all of this and I'm wondering what all y'all (especially the guys) think of my situation. What are some reasons that a guy might slowly fade on a woman after a few weeks-two months but continue to keep in touch on a regular basis? Is it usually something minor, like her laugh is annoying? Can someone get bored of a woman after such a relatively short amount of time? Would a guy want to stay friends with a woman he found undateable for no specific reason, and why would such a woman be undateable if she could make a good friend? Any thoughts on the topic would be helpful.... Thanks in advance!
clia Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 What are some reasons that a guy might slowly fade on a woman after a few weeks-two months but continue to keep in touch on a regular basis? He likes you but does not see you as relationship material -- as you have discovered. Or he wants to keep you in the wings for sex. If this is normally happening during the first month or two, something is happening that diminishes their interest from a romantic/relationship perspective. That is the point where infatuation/hormones should be going absolutely crazy. Obviously they found you attractive enough at the beginning. Think carefully about how you act --I wonder if you are doing something to friendzone yourself. For example: -- do you act like "one of the guys" or more feminine? -- do you flirt with the guy? (i.e. touch their arm/leg, flip your hair, lick your lips, etc.?) -- are you receptive when they try to kiss you / have sex with you? -- do you compliment the guy? -- how do you dress? Skirts, dresses, heels, girly, feminine clothing? -- do you wear make-up? -- are you an alpha female or do you let the guy pay and be the man? Is it usually something minor, like her laugh is annoying? Doubtful. Can someone get bored of a woman after such a relatively short amount of time? Sure. Honestly, many, many relationships crash and burn during the first month or two. Yours may be different only in that you remain friends with the guys. Would a guy want to stay friends with a woman he found undateable for no specific reason, and why would such a woman be undateable if she could make a good friend? The romantic connection is not there. You actually make it easy on them to get out when you silently accept the transition from potential girlfriend to friend. Honestly, it could all simply just be that you haven't had the right chemistry with these guys.
DC4 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 If this is normally happening during the first month or two, something is happening that diminishes their interest from a romantic/relationship perspective. That is the point where infatuation/hormones should be going absolutely crazy. Obviously they found you attractive enough at the beginning. Think carefully about how you act --I wonder if you are doing something to friendzone yourself. For example: -- do you act like "one of the guys" or more feminine? -- do you flirt with the guy? (i.e. touch their arm/leg, flip your hair, lick your lips, etc.?) -- are you receptive when they try to kiss you / have sex with you? -- do you compliment the guy? -- how do you dress? Skirts, dresses, heels, girly, feminine clothing? -- do you wear make-up? -- are you an alpha female or do you let the guy pay and be the man? Totally agree on the first part. Sometimes your novelty wears off so their interest wanes. I don't, however, like the list. It implies people should act a certain way just to keep a man (or woman). Is someone supposed to put on an act for however long the relationship lasts? 6 months? A year? Three years? I just don't think she's met the right guy. There's no way I am putting on a little show to keep a man's interest. I mean sure, you put your best foot forward but otherwise-if you're not yourself what happens when the other person realizes you're full of poo?
clia Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I don't, however, like the list. It implies people should act a certain way just to keep a man (or woman). Is someone supposed to put on an act for however long the relationship lasts? 6 months? A year? Three years? I'm sorry you don't like the list, but that's not what it is implying at all. In fact, you completely misunderstood it. I'm trying to get to the bottom of what her behavior is like around these guys during the first month or two which is leading her out of "I want to date you" territory and into "You are just a friend to me" territory. While it could just be that she hasn't met the right guy, her post implies that this is happening very often. I mean, is she wearing sports jerseys and tennis shoes and doing keg stands or is she wearing skirts and high heels and lipstick and flipping her hair around? Is she acting standoffish and uninterested in them? Etc... I have known women who were perpetually friend zoned who tended to act in a more stereotypical masculine way -- attire, sense of humor, etc. -- which led them to being "one of the guys" and directly into friendzone territory. The guys just could not view them as a romantic interest. Obviously something is happening here. There's nothing wrong with being that way if that is who you are, but if that is case, it might be the root of her problem. There's no way I am putting on a little show to keep a man's interest. Who is asking you to put on a show? Are you kidding me?
DC4 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I'm sorry you don't like the list, but that's not what it is implying at all. In fact, you completely misunderstood it. I'm trying to get to the bottom of what her behavior is like around these guys during the first month or two which is leading her out of "I want to date you" territory and into "You are just a friend to me" territory. While it could just be that she hasn't met the right guy, her post implies that this is happening very often. I mean, is she wearing sports jerseys and tennis shoes and doing keg stands or is she wearing skirts and high heels and lipstick and flipping her hair around? Is she acting standoffish and uninterested in them? Etc... I have known women who were perpetually friend zoned who tended to act in a more stereotypical masculine way -- attire, sense of humor, etc. -- which led them to being "one of the guys" and directly into friendzone territory. The guys just could not view them as a romantic interest. Obviously something is happening here. There's nothing wrong with being that way if that is who you are, but if that is case, it might be the root of her problem. If that's her personality, then she should date men who appreciate her for keg stands and being "one of the guys." Who is asking you to put on a show? Are you kidding me? Think carefully about how you act --I wonder if you are doing something to friendzone yourself.
Ami1uwant Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I agree with Clia on this....more info is needed to really figure out what is going on. my thoughts: 1. She could be boring the guys 2. She is too much like one of the guys 3. From dating or talking he has found something with her he isnt interested in... It isnt personal..its just some difference that you see you cant live with her like that. a. It could be a personality trait that is cute initially but chalk scretching later b. She could have long term plans/goals he doesnt agree with c. he may be waiting for her to initiate and she doesnt. This is something that turns me off with women. If I always have to initiate anything ..it could be sex, kissing, making the suggestions for what to do on a date, calling, emailing, etc. The message she is sending says she is more interest in the act of dating then the person she is dating. d. views on kids, religion, sex, hobbies/interests (she has said she cant stand camping but in the summer he loves to go out for a week in the summer on a camping trip).
Ami1uwant Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 In any case, I'm just starting to feel hopeless about all of this and I'm wondering what all y'all (especially the guys) think of my situation. What are some reasons that a guy might slowly fade on a woman after a few weeks-two months but continue to keep in touch on a regular basis? Is it usually something minor, like her laugh is annoying? Can someone get bored of a woman after such a relatively short amount of time? Would a guy want to stay friends with a woman he found undateable for no specific reason, and why would such a woman be undateable if she could make a good friend? Any thoughts on the topic would be helpful.... Thanks in advance! Yes they can get bored with a woman they are dating if her behavior is always the same or she is repeating the same stories over and over. She doesnt seem to display a level of interest. It also could be the luck of who you have been dating and what they want. If you talk about wanting something serious and they arent interested in that then this will happen. You could also be dating these guys who just got out of a LTR and are more interested in playing the field than have a LTR right away...part of that is dating around. Thus they may have had 4-5 dates with you but they also had 4-5 dates with another woman and they find more interest in that other woman so they persue her over you...thus you get into the slow fade in part because he doesnt want to be the bad boy and end it with you in part because he also weants to keep you around in case ths other woman doesnt work out.
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