I don't want to be 'strong'

[waterwoman]

H had an affair. Ended in June. Went NC without argument. We have been reconciling. Things are OK, really good sometimes, not so good at others. Fairly normal married life IME.

 

Problem is I am *NOT* over it yet. I know I should be. I know he would like me to be even though he says he will be patient. I have always been the grown-up in our relationship, the one who fixes things, who takes charge. When I found out about the affair I was so damned mature and reasonable. I have let rip a few times but by and large I have kept my cool. Been to IC which helped and made me feel stronger, showed me I had choices.

 

Now H is having a really bad time at work - major stress - he's already had a health scare a few months back that turned out to be nothing. And I am doing what I always do - rallying round, making tea and saying 'there, there', picking up the slack with the kids, and the house. AND I DON'T WANT TO! I want to be cared for and looked after. He has hurt me more than I can say but here I am being the fixer of things again.

 

It makes me laugh the number of MM who tell their OW how crappy their wives are. When I'd put money on the fact that in most cases the W are running round like headless chickens trying to keep everyone happy.

 

Just so damned miserable. And fed up. And I want to pout and cry like a baby

[j'adore]

H had an affair. Ended in June. Went NC without argument. We have been reconciling. Things are OK, really good sometimes, not so good at others. Fairly normal married life IME.

 

Problem is I am *NOT* over it yet. I know I should be. I know he would like me to be even though he says he will be patient. I have always been the grown-up in our relationship, the one who fixes things, who takes charge. When I found out about the affair I was so damned mature and reasonable. I have let rip a few times but by and large I have kept my cool. Been to IC which helped and made me feel stronger, showed me I had choices.

 

Now H is having a really bad time at work - major stress - he's already had a health scare a few months back that turned out to be nothing. And I am doing what I always do - rallying round, making tea and saying 'there, there', picking up the slack with the kids, and the house. AND I DON'T WANT TO! I want to be cared for and looked after. He has hurt me more than I can say but here I am being the fixer of things again.

 

It makes me laugh the number of MM who tell their OW how crappy their wives are. When I'd put money on the fact that in most cases the W are running round like headless chickens trying to keep everyone happy.

 

Just so damned miserable. And fed up. And I want to pout and cry like a baby

 

I am sorry for your pain. I am confused at the general conception by BSs that OWs are told really bad stuff about BSs. I think you imagine that to be the case, but it just is not true generally. Maybe my post set you off, and if so I am sorry. It is only because we had a dday that we started discussing her. He never said anything bad about her in four years, not once.

[waterwoman]

Hi j'adore. No it wasn't your post but thank you anyway

 

It's a general observation from LS. Even minor throwaway comments like 'of course if he was happy in his marriage he wouldn't be having an affair' which is way too simplistic IMO. But that wasn't the main point - I just want to be looked after I guess, instead I am the looker-afterer as usual <sigh>

[Summer Breeze]

H had an affair. Ended in June. Went NC without argument. We have been reconciling. Things are OK, really good sometimes, not so good at others. Fairly normal married life IME.

 

Problem is I am *NOT* over it yet. I know I should be. I know he would like me to be even though he says he will be patient. I have always been the grown-up in our relationship, the one who fixes things, who takes charge. When I found out about the affair I was so damned mature and reasonable. I have let rip a few times but by and large I have kept my cool. Been to IC which helped and made me feel stronger, showed me I had choices.

 

Now H is having a really bad time at work - major stress - he's already had a health scare a few months back that turned out to be nothing. And I am doing what I always do - rallying round, making tea and saying 'there, there', picking up the slack with the kids, and the house. AND I DON'T WANT TO! I want to be cared for and looked after. He has hurt me more than I can say but here I am being the fixer of things again.

 

It makes me laugh the number of MM who tell their OW how crappy their wives are. When I'd put money on the fact that in most cases the W are running round like headless chickens trying to keep everyone happy.

 

Just so damned miserable. And fed up. And I want to pout and cry like a baby

 

I have to admit I had a chuckle at one comment in your post. Making the tea. My brother lived in England for a little while and I went for a visit and was struck by the healing power of putting on the kettle. Thank you for making me smile and bring back some wonderful memories.

 

Now to you. It isn't fun to be strong all the time. I'm like you. I'm always the one taking care of everyone and when I falter it's tough because no one knows how to help me feel better. I love being strong but once in a while I want to get to fall apart like everyone else. I journal a lot and find that helps. I remember one moment 150 years ago when I left my WS. I put my toddler daughter to bed and when she was asleep I spent a few hours screaming at God, my estranged H, the person who introduced me to estranged H, my MIL and FIL for having my estranged H, and myself for not seeing what he would do to me. It didn't accomplish anything and I don't expect you to go screaming into the night. Find what you need to get you through. Tell the bloke to buck up and take care of you. One thing I do is not LET people take care of me. Tell him what you need and then let him do it. Make him do it!

 

You're stronger than you think. You know you'll feel better in a day or two and be ready to fight another day.

 

I agree with j'adore. I don't know what your H said to the OW but not all bash their Ws. Mine never did. Ever. I don't look at BS as awful creatures who let themselves go and can't take care of anything. I wasn't one and I don't think others are either. We just all ended up marrying someone who ended up nearly crushing us. It doesn't make us good or bad people. It makes us people who trusted.

 

I hope you feel better. I hope I didn't ramble either.

[Spark1111]

Stop rallying around, being the strong one, and fixing everything for everyone. That was me, and it turned me into Momma and that's how he saw me and that is how he stopped seeing Spark the woman.

 

After dday, all my children and even my H told me I was ALWAYS the strong one and I could fix this.

 

Uh, no. I decided, no I knew in my heart, I did not want to be the strong one anymore, not for a while, not until I felt up to it again.

 

I tried to fake it until I could make it, but that didn't work, so I told all of them I am no longer as strong as I once was and you will ALL have to rally around and support me and each other.

 

And bit by bit I let go of all the shoulds and coulds for everyone else and started to focus on me and my mental and physical health. And with that went the guilt of not being all things to all people.

 

The most amazing thing happened: Everyone grew more independent and supportive as I learned to draw boundaries and say no, not feeling up top that today.

 

You feel exactly like you want to feel. No need to be a superhero, at least for this day, this hour, or this five minutes.

[Spark1111]

H had an affair. Ended in June. Went NC without argument. We have been reconciling. Things are OK, really good sometimes, not so good at others. Fairly normal married life IME.

 

Problem is I am *NOT* over it yet. I know I should be. I know he would like me to be even though he says he will be patient. I have always been the grown-up in our relationship, the one who fixes things, who takes charge. When I found out about the affair I was so damned mature and reasonable. I have let rip a few times but by and large I have kept my cool. Been to IC which helped and made me feel stronger, showed me I had choices.

 

Now H is having a really bad time at work - major stress - he's already had a health scare a few months back that turned out to be nothing. And I am doing what I always do - rallying round, making tea and saying 'there, there', picking up the slack with the kids, and the house. AND I DON'T WANT TO! I want to be cared for and looked after. He has hurt me more than I can say but here I am being the fixer of things again.

 

It makes me laugh the number of MM who tell their OW how crappy their wives are. When I'd put money on the fact that in most cases the W are running round like headless chickens trying to keep everyone happy.

 

Just so damned miserable. And fed up. And I want to pout and cry like a baby

 

just wanted to add that while I was running around like a headless chicken trying to make everyone happy, he was with a real needy drama queen who gushed over his opening the pickle jar and every little bit of advice, and act of service he could do for her.

 

There is a lesson there WW.

[cocorico]

H had an affair. Ended in June. Went NC without argument. We have been reconciling. Things are OK, really good sometimes, not so good at others. Fairly normal married life IME.

 

Problem is I am *NOT* over it yet. I know I should be. I know he would like me to be even though he says he will be patient. I have always been the grown-up in our relationship, the one who fixes things, who takes charge. When I found out about the affair I was so damned mature and reasonable. I have let rip a few times but by and large I have kept my cool. Been to IC which helped and made me feel stronger, showed me I had choices.

 

Now H is having a really bad time at work - major stress - he's already had a health scare a few months back that turned out to be nothing. And I am doing what I always do - rallying round, making tea and saying 'there, there', picking up the slack with the kids, and the house. AND I DON'T WANT TO! I want to be cared for and looked after. He has hurt me more than I can say but here I am being the fixer of things again.

 

It makes me laugh the number of MM who tell their OW how crappy their wives are. When I'd put money on the fact that in most cases the W are running round like headless chickens trying to keep everyone happy.

 

Just so damned miserable. And fed up. And I want to pout and cry like a baby

 

WW, just a question here - have you always let everyone else's needs take precedence over your own? Or is it a role you've been pushed into in your M because it was vacant and no one else was putting their hand up?

 

If the former, you need to embrace your helpless, needy side now and then, allow yourself to be helped, let someone else take care of you - though you might need to tell them it's OK to do so, if you've always been the strong dependable one.

 

If the latter, it's something to address in MC. It is really unfair for one person to carry such a heavy load if they feel they cannot get support themselves when they need it. That just makes for resentment in a R - irrespective of the A.

 

For now, i would tell your H directly that you're tired of being the strong one, that right now you're needing him to,step up and take care of you. Sure, he has stress at work. And you've been supportive and done what you can to help, even though it was not your problem nor of your making. This is different. This is his problem too, and it is of his making. He needs to learn to take on the "strong, capable one" role so that you can feel, eventually, that you are getting as much out of the M as you are putting in. Without that, why would you really want to be there?

[BetrayedH]

5 months is not enough time to "get over it."

 

I also agree that you can tell your husband it's his turn to step up to the plate, and if he does so, that may get you to the shorter part of the 2-5 years you can typically expect.

[carhill]

IMO, your perceptions are valid and humane. Marriage should be a safe and loving place.

 

What I would do is make a MC appointment for next week to address the perceptions in a neutral environment. If the M is a priority, any man can get off work, or just leave. It happens all the time. Bet he compromised his work for his OW, eh?

 

Regarding what men tell their OW's about their wives, it varies. Some, nothing; others like a fire hydrant, and everything in between, regardless of veracity. Really all that matters is the man in front of you and what he did and how you will resolve that issue of perception by both of you, whatever it is. That you would bring it up means the perception has traction for your dynamic, IMO.

 

Identify your salient fear and work it, together. A professional can facilitate that. Marriage is a team sport. Each participant is vital. Good luck.

[beenburned]

WW,

 

It is MUCH too soon to expect to be over it!!!(((HUGS)))

 

I remember feeling totally overwhelmed after d-day! Not only was I a SAHM with 2 little kids, but knew I had to get a job in order to divorce.

 

I put on my big girl panties and made it happen!(even though I was scared shi*less and emotionally distraught)

 

I agree with Spark, quit doing so much for everyone!( I was also guilty of this) You now need to concentrate on getting you emotionally strong and healthy in order to make your reconciliation successful!

[frozensprouts]

OP,

you sound like me...I'm always the "tough" one who people perceive as being "strong"...but it isn't really strength, it's more like an ability to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and just keep going...it becomes a matter of just accepting what life gives you and shoving it down inside until you can take it out again later and deal with it then when there's less going on that needs your immediate attention

 

anyway, ask yourself why you always put everyone else first...do you do that because you want to or because you feel you have to...

 

if it's because you want to, why do you want to? is it because you feel like if you don't, everything will fall apart...or maybe, way deep down, you maybe a bit afraid that he'll leave if you aren't "perfect" or if he thinks you need him too much?..

 

if those reasons apply, then perhaps it would be a good time to put that to a full stop, and begin to put yourself first sometimes. In this context, it's not selfish. If you are wearing yourself out, you need to stop, as it's not good for you, your husband our your children. You'll begin to grow resentful and find reconciliation that much harder

 

If you are looking after everyone else first because it's just in your nature to be that way, then ask yourself if changing that will ever really make you happy...will it may you happy, or will you just end up feeling guilty that you're first?

I'm more like the second, which while it sounds great, can wear you out, but if I didn't act like that, I'd end up being unhappy and feeling bad anyway...I talked to m husband about it, and I think he understands a bit better why I am the way I am, that it's not that i don't trust him to be able to look after me, nor that i don't need him, it's just who I am.

 

some people are just, by nature, "fixers" ...does that sound like you? If it does, you may want to talk to your husband about it...some men find it disconcerting when their wife is always "fixing' everything...can make them feel like they aren't needed...can you find a balance between being a "fixer" and being someone who always expects to have everything done for them?

[JamesM]

I will chime in with the ones that say...it is too soon to get over this. Everyone has his or her own timeline. There is no deadline for you to get over this.

 

My guess is that you usually put your emotions down and stuff them out of mind. Now they are not being so cooperative.

 

I communicated with a girl whose husband cheated (and am still friends with her). She was instrumental in helping me understand the pain an affair could cause. Ont hing struck me is how long it took for her to resolve her feelings. Even as much as a year later, her emails talked of her struggle with anger or depression from her husband's affair despite his complete honesty and attempt at rebuilding the trust.

 

Take your time to be angry and grieve. Don't let anyone push you into being happy until you decide to be happy. You have been given a tough row to hoe. But you will do it...at your own pace.

[TheOW]

I'm sorry Waterwoman this post I think is direct to my earlier statement where I said "if he was happy in his marriage he wouldn't of had an affair" maybe I just see things black and white - I wasn't happy in my relationship and this did push me into an A. Or probably most likely I'm too young still to fully realise the extent of things. I have been in my own little world for so long because I was unhappy and think everyone is the same

[Decorative]

just wanted to add that while I was running around like a headless chicken trying to make everyone happy, he was with a real needy drama queen who gushed over his opening the pickle jar and every little bit of advice, and act of service he could do for her.

 

There is a lesson there WW.

 

Yup. Same here.

 

Also- read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass, and Private Lies, by Frank Pittman. You'll stop blaming yourself- and you will realize this was a him problem, not a you problem, or a marriage problem.

[drifter777]

Take the phrase "get over it" out of your vocabulary - it trivializes the betrayal and places an unreasonable burden on the BS.

 

Do you see a counselor? If you do then this subject should be the focus of your therapy. If not, get one ASAP and get to work.

[RickFox]

All I can bring to the table on this is:

 

1) It is way too soon to have gotten "over it."

 

2) You need to tell him how you're feeling, we still need to be told and can't figure it out the vast majority of the time.

[seren]

I think that what you have written about how you are the scaffolding and the strong one is so true for many of us. I sat saying a mental yes to everything you posted and could see so much of my situation in what you wrote. being the fixer can be a lonely place when you need someone else to take the weight of it all, everyone just expects you to cope, you expect you to be able to cope and yes, it does seem so unfair. I understand the triggers that can be set off when reading some posts and that the, often misconceptions of how things are for a lot of BS can niggle. I would like to say it gets easier, but that part never does, however it helps to understand that everyone has different situations, although a lot of us seem to have such a lot in common too.

 

5 months, 1 year, 5 years, there is no time limit to managing how you feel about the A, nor is there a time limit on the process of reconciliation. It is what it is and if you get sad or angry or the thousand and one feelings that A's bring, it is not wrong or implies weakness on your part. As a fellow fixer of all things I remember feeling I needed to be wrapped up and looked after for a while, trick was to allow people to do that for me and that takes a lot when you have been such a good fixer. I talked to H about it and he said that he agreed he had fallen into the Seren always knows what to do, frame of mind and was a little surprised that I felt this way. I know why I do this and have spoke to H about it, I also said what I needed him to do and that I would no longer do it all in order to make his life easier.

 

It worked, he does more because I expect him to and because I let him, I no longer offer to help so many people, just give them the tools they need to do it for themselves. I used to say to H that I felt like I was 3yrs old, stood in a huge field and the wind was blowing, hard and there was no one to shelter me from the wind and that I was trying to hold back the wind to stop everyone else from being blown away and that they were all standing behind me letting me do it. Not anymore, I asked H to be the tree I sheltered behind and that I needed looking after for a while, that sure took a lot to ask, and he did it, in fact it is a role he enjoys, sometimes we swop , but I no longer do it alone. Try talking to your H, it is OK to be vulnerable and not everyone will hurt you if you show that. Take very good care (you can shelter behind my tree if you like) xxxxSeren

[waterwoman]

Thank you all you lovely people x

 

It really helped to read your responses last night. I admit I was in a bad way. Got home and H was sick - just a bad cold but still pretty grotty. So I sent him to bed. Made dinner and then took the dog for a 5K run, listened to the Foo Fighters far too loud for my health and sang along loudly (well it was dark, no-one was about). I must have been mad because I beat my own normal speed.

 

I can't reply to all of you but I will try to respond to some points.

 

theOW - it wasn't your post that triggered this. It was an amalgam of posts again and again on here. At D-day it never occurred to me that I could be to blame for what happened - I could see the marriage was rocky but even that was only 50% my fault. FWIW I don't blame OW at all - whatever she did or said he could have stepped away. He didn't. She has her own issues and I'd not be in her shoes for a million pounds.

 

coco - I think it's a bit of both. Looking back at my mum I reckon she suffered from anxiety and depression for much of her life just as I have. But being the war-time generation she just got one with it and didn't tackle the issue. She relied on me (as the daughter ) to support her and I learned to be the fixer at a very early age. She also has a bad menopause and I took on even more. That habit is hard to break especially when I married a man whose mantra is 'Hey, who cares, there's always tomorrow'.

 

I have tried to step away from things that 'need' doing but it's hard. Keeping things ordered is my way of coping. But H should support me as he knows how upsetting I find chaos. I need him to be my support and partner, not an extra child - I've got 3 of those already.

 

Anyway.... I am having serious second thoughts about reconcilitation atm. Not beacuse of the affair but because it has totally shot to pieces the marriage we had and I don't know how to build a new one. I feel very sad about that. I think he has stopped feeling guilty, stopped feeling he needs to make the effort, but I am still trying - making all the running as usual. Perhaps a MC could bash our heads together. We need a long long talk - not about OW and how hurt I was - about where we are going because right now I can't help feeling we are going right back to where we were.

 

Oh, and summer - never ever underestimate the healing properties of a good hot cuppa - not too strong, drop of milk and no sugar if you're making....

 

seren - thanks for the offer of your tree. I appreciate it. My other two rl 'trees' are both going through a storm of their own right now

 

Thanks to you all

Edited December 5, 2012 by waterwoman

[cocorico]

T

Anyway.... I am having serious second thoughts about reconcilitation atm. Not beacuse of the affair but because it has totally shot to pieces the marriage we had and I don't know how to build a new one. I feel very sad about that. I think he has stopped feeling guilty, stopped feeling he needs to make the effort, but I am still trying - making all the running as usual. Perhaps a MC could bash our heads together. We need a long long talk - not about OW and how hurt I was - about where we are going because right now I can't help feeling we are going right back to where we were.

 

The bolded bit worries me. Feeling guilt would need to abate at some time if you were to move beyond reconciling, to being reconciled (though my guess is, it's still rather early for that...) but the giving up making the effort? That is a big problem! Whether it's motivated by guilt, by hope, by love or by common sense, he should be bursting his gut with effort, irrespective of the other competing stresses he's dealing with. Why should you continue to invest heavily in a M that is not meeting your own needs?

 

I second the idea of a MC doing a reality check - but I suspect one head needs more bashing than the other.

 

Take care, WW - else you're heading for burnout.

[waterwoman]

Thanks coco. You are right. We had a talk last night. I don't think he totally understood but we'll see. He gets that I need more physical contact - even just hand-holding, touching etc. It doesn't come naturally to him - and that was OK before. It isn't now. I was the strong one before. I'm not now.

 

I agree about guilt - I don't really want him to feel that, never did. I'm way past making him 'pay'. it's more concern, awareness that I want from him. Awareness that something has changed fundamentally. Our relationship had weak points but he cracked it right open. The weak points must never be allowed to develop again. I am so afraid they will unless we both make sure they don't - I can't escape the feeling that I am the only one doing so.

 

He wants more than anything to make it work and he does care. that is a big part of the battle.

 

MC is essential now I think. But boy it's so expensive!! Especially coming up to christmas...