whysodifficult Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Hi LS community, Been lurking for awhile and first post. Things ended with gal I was dating several months ago, as she was still pinning over her ex. Was tough on me as I really fell head over heals for her. Was just getting to a point where the whole thing was behind me and surprise....she sends me a message. Nothing serious, just hoping I was doing well. I know, don't read into it too much right? But can't help but assume that she was thinking about me. And, it seems it would have taken a lot of guts for her to send me the message given the way things ended several months ago. Not sure what to do as I can't get her out of my head now. I know she had strong feelings for me, just not enough to drive a stake between her and her ex. FYI..been NC since the fallout. Dang, don't know what to do and looking for advice from anyone else that has dealt with this. On one hand I would like to reconnect with her, but on the other hand I don't want to fall back to a depressed state....that was not a good place to be emotionally.
PennGuy Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) A lot of times, dumpers feel a serious sense of guilt. I think she just wanted to make sure you were ok. If she had intentions of reconciling things, I'm sure she would make it perfectly clear. You don't want to be with someone who still has part of them longing for an ex, anyways. You want to have their full and undivided attention and love. Wouldn't read into this at all. I'd take it for what it is, a friendly text asking how you are doing. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm sure she thinks about you, I was with my ex for three years, I'm sure she thinks of me also, we just never know in what capacity. What's done is done. If she wants to come back, she will let you know, but if she does, think long and hard about it. Will it last this time? Has she changed? Have you accepted the fact that your old relationship is dead and you will need to start all over again to make it stronger. She broke your heart, she needs to be the one begging and pleading if she feels she has made a huge mistake. Edited December 4, 2012 by PennGuy
Author whysodifficult Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Appreciate the response Penn. Your probably right in that her message was nothing more than a friendly gesture. Also, I've read several posts that say....if they want to get back with you they will make it clear. However, I just don't see that. Let me explain...let's assume they actually do miss what they had with you and are interested in getting back...and they are the dumper. In this case, they are probably dealing with some guilt and lets not forget their own self ego. I don't see them just contacting you out of the blue and saying they want to get back with you. The more logical approach would be for them to "test the waters". Reach out just enough to see if you hate them or not. A positive response from the dumpee would lead to further communication. A negative response or no response would make the dumper assume that the door is closed. This way the dumper would know if the dumpee was still interested without investing their ego and possible rejection.
PennGuy Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 You have every right to interpret that message to your liking. Maybe you could text her and see how the conversation goes. Keep it light and fun and don't draw the conversation out. Keep some mystery there. Tell her you are you busy and have to go for now. Let her do the chasing. But, on the other hand, don't be surprised if she is just being friendly. I had an ex do this once just to "backburner" me. I would stay NC, she would text every now and again to see how I am doing, or after she would see me out she would say "Oh, you and that smile of yours. That's what won me in the first place". I read that as "I miss you, I don't like my new relationship...let's work it out." Guess what? I was WRONG. She just wanted me on the side in case her new guy didn't work out.
YorickBrown Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Hi LS community, Been lurking for awhile and first post. Things ended with gal I was dating several months ago, as she was still pinning over her ex. Was tough on me as I really fell head over heals for her. Was just getting to a point where the whole thing was behind me and surprise....she sends me a message. Nothing serious, just hoping I was doing well. I know, don't read into it too much right? But can't help but assume that she was thinking about me. And, it seems it would have taken a lot of guts for her to send me the message given the way things ended several months ago. Not sure what to do as I can't get her out of my head now. I know she had strong feelings for me, just not enough to drive a stake between her and her ex. FYI..been NC since the fallout. Dang, don't know what to do and looking for advice from anyone else that has dealt with this. On one hand I would like to reconnect with her, but on the other hand I don't want to fall back to a depressed state....that was not a good place to be emotionally. Dude, tell me about it. My ex-gf just pulled the ultimate "bet-this-will-break-your-NC" on me bit. After 6+ months of NC bliss...I found out I may have fathered a child with her...and she freakin got married! Now I got over and over <sigh> I mean, I not only got betrayed, they basically made me a sperm donor without my consent...wtf!?! That wasnt part of the deal during the break-up! Now, I want my baby girl back (I'd leave her ho of a mother behind in a heartbeat). I heard the guy she's married is loaded...owns lotsa restaurants...sheeesssh....well, (this will make a great scene after I serve them both with the results of the Paternity test).
Sarahbee Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 My situtation was a bit different than yours in that I broke it off because I felt that he couldn't give me what I needed due to not being over his ex. However, being the dumper didn't stop the pain or the floods of regret post break-up, even though I knew that staying in the relationship would have meant having to deal with a whole different set of problems and pain. If someone's not over their heartbreak then they can't be wholeheartedly with someone else, so I know I did the right thing. I still would be interested in him in the future when he's over her though, and I told him that when I broke it off. It's possible that she's over him now and wanting to touch base with you to see how the land lies with you, but maybe she's too scared to be open about that in case you reject her. Did you respond to her text? If you're feeling strong you could respond, but if you're too wary about getting burned again, maybe leave it and see if she hits you with another one. If she does then having a coffee with her might be a good idea - you could find that you're over her and don't actually want her any more! Whatever you decide and whatever happens, you've learned a lot from the break up and you'll use that knowledge to protect your heart - good luck!
Author whysodifficult Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 I did respond, but just to say I was doing good and hope she was as well. Given the way it ended, I'm sure she is dealing with some guilt and even a bit embarrassed. What bothers me the most about everything is that the guy she ran back to has hurt her multiple times in the past. It's one of those toxic on and off relationships. She knows its not the best situation for her long term, but she can't seem to break the addiction she has with this guy. Really great girl and it hurts ME to see her going through that. Everytime they break it off, I seem to hear from her. I'm sick of being her "doormat" when this happens, and realise that I am allowing her to treat me this way (this is not the first time she has "reached out" to me). However, I worry that if I block her from everything and ignore completely....that when she finally makes the decision to remove herself from the toxic situation she has with the other guy, I won't have the chance with her as she will assume I don't want to have anything to do with her. Ughhh. I guess just focus on myself. Be strong when she does contact me and only reply at a very neutral level. If she does truely decide she wants to start things back up with me.....I guess I'll know. Not sure how I will know, just figure I will know. Until then, focus on seeing other women and maybe find one that I connect with at a similiar or maybe better level! Again, any advice is appreciated.
Sarahbee Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 You're right, you do need to focus on yourself and be strong, and it's probably best to let go of the idea of any possibility of getting back with her. For whatever reason, she needs to play out the relationship she's currently in. Even if it's toxic, she still needs to be in it for her own reasons - it may be unfathomable to you, but she has her reasons even if she doesn't know them yet. Some relationships just need to run their course. You don't want to be her doormat, because when she eventually does come out of that relationship, if you're there waiting for her she won't process her own loss and grief, she'll just run into your arms. You'll be her rebound guy, and trust me, you don't want to be that, because chances are that when she's feeling strong again she'll leave you for someone else. If you make yourself fully available for her to pick up and put down whenever she pleases, she won't respect you. So don't worry about blocking her and what she's going to think about that - she'll probably respect you more for it. Just do things that make you feel good, and take a break from dating for a while so that you're not doing to someone else what she's doing to you. It's OK to be single for a while! That way you'll be fully available for the next girl you meet. Good luck!
Author whysodifficult Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Yep. Focusing on myself and not going to let her occasional messages bother me. I'm in a good place now and not going to get dragged through all the crap again. Just glad I didn't act on her recent message. I really think this girl has some fairly serious emotional issues. Based on how she has treated me, its made me think that the problems she is having in her current relationship are most likely related to HER! When you go through a breakup, it's easy to idolize the person and think about how great they are. However, when you step back and look at it from a distance....you start to see that there are issues there that you overlook. I actually feel sorry for the guy she is in the on and off relationship with. He is probably going through absolute hell with this girl and her hot/cold tendacies. Can't believe I'm saying this, but I probably owe him a big thank you.
witmadskilllz Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 So I take it as though she's still in communication with her ex then? Imo, I wouldn't even try to keep in touch with her if she's doing this behind your back. At this point, she's going to be emotional unstable so it'll be a lot uncertainties. Also, what was the reason for the breakup? And how long were you two together for? And basically, you were a rebound to her? Keep strong and start working on yourself!
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