klb92 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Hi, So here is my dilemma- I am engaged to a great man. We are planning on getting married at the end of this month. Her keeps bringing up that he has been talking or helping his ex take care of her young child. I told him that this makes me uncomfortable, and he explained the situation. She helped him out a lot with school while they were together, and he has remained friends and wants to help her out if possible. At first I wasn't comfortable with this, but I've come to accept it. So last night I was talking to him, and he told me that his ex called him and asked for his address, to send him something, and also asked if he was really going to get married. This is after I was told that he wasn't going to talk to her anymore. I understand that he wasn't the one that called him, and he does feel bad ignoring her. However, he is still breaking his word. I trust him not to cheat, but this still makes me uncomfortable. I think its disrespectful of her to butt into our business about getting married, and I don't understand why he thinks its ok either. So my question is, does it sound like I should be suspicious and worry that they could end up cheating together? Or does it sound like he is just genuinely trying to be friends and be polite and not ignore her completely? Thanks, K
Chi townD Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Well, through your post. My radar didn't pop up. And I didn't notice any red flags. In fact, he was honest and told you that his Ex contacted him and told you everything that was discussed. He may have known that you probably weren't going to be happy with the news, But he didn't hide it from you and he was honest about it. Most cheaters with an agenda would do that. Personally, I think you should talk to him about boundries, and don't be all finger pointing at him. An open discussion where the both of you explain what's going on. Try to understand where he's coming from and hopefully, he'll understand where you are coming from. Have the discussion be calm and soft. No raised voices or anger. This is probably a misunderstanding that needs to be resolved and just a little hickup in your relationship. from what you've posted, I don't think he's cheating.
Author klb92 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Thanks for your reply. I think that's great advice. And I do trust him. After further thought, I realized it's her motives that I don't trust. But I guess just talking with him about that she solve things, hopefully. Thanks again, I appreciate your help!
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 **** and also asked if he was really going to get married. **** You should ask what was his answer to that question. What was his relationship like with this ex? How long was it? How long were they exclusive? Did they live together? How much interaction did he have this child during the relationship? You said she "helped" him out while he was a student. What kind of help was it? And how does he want to help her now?
dasein Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I think your concerns are reasonable, and wouldn't be comfortable with the arrangement at all. Is he going to expect to continue helping raise this child while you two are married? If he feels indebted, he should cut her a check, but if this ex and child become a factor in your new marriage? No one I know would be OK with that. Maybe she just wants to send you a wedding gift, but it's awfully convenient that getting that address keeps her in touch and a gift keeps him obligated. Keep your eyes open and good luck.
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I think your concerns are reasonable, and wouldn't be comfortable with the arrangement at all. Is he going to expect to continue helping raise this child while you two are married? If he feels indebted, he should cut her a check, but if this ex and child become a factor in your new marriage? No one I know would be OK with that. Maybe she just wants to send you a wedding gift, but it's awfully convenient that getting that address keeps her in touch and a gift keeps him obligated. Keep your eyes open and good luck. all she needs to know is where the bridal couple are listed.
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