My husband asked the OW to go to her house?! She's married?

[turnera]

I'm heartbroken and I don't know what to do.

Yes, you do.

 

You just don't want to do it.

 

Do you deserve to be treated like trash?

 

No? Then kick his sorry ass out. You deserve better, Smith.

[turnera]

I understand, but I go back and forth between my gut feeling that this is serious to him, and his claims that it's meaningless and all this stuff he's saying is just dirty talk, in which case I could still repair our marriage - he is still with me, after all.

Of course he is. You're too weak to leave him, and he knows it. So he keeps you around to feed him and wash his clothes and do all the other 'mother' stuff, while he goes out and pursues who he really wants.

 

So when is your first therapy appointment?

 

You HAVE made the appointment, right?

[stillafool]

I She's the one resisting him, saying she will let him know "if and when" she feels like seeing him... And he finally concedes and writes "You're the boss... I will wait for you.". This is why I need opinions, being in the situation makes everything blurry.

 

Yes she IS the one resisting your H. Don't worry, he is not going to leave you. It would cost him too much in child support and alimony. The OW is more than likely not going to leave her husband (until her kids are out of the house). Your H is content to have her back in his life and to have the sex back. I would say this will go on like it is for the next 18 years until all the kids are gone. After that, if they are still in love they will divorce and marry. Do you want to wait around for that? When are you starting therapy?

[yessy21]

I understand, but I go back and forth between my gut feeling that this is serious to him, and his claims that it's meaningless and all this stuff he's saying is just dirty talk, in which case I could still repair our marriage - he is still with me, after all. But I asked this question on another forum and someone said that if he's at the point of asking about her marriage, sex life, comparing himself to her husband, he has gone from thinking about being with her permanently, to feeling out for the possibility by asking questions. I keep thinking it could just be his ego talking. She's the one resisting him, saying she will let him know "if and when" she feels like seeing him... And he finally concedes and writes "You're the boss... I will wait for you.". This is why I need opinions, being in the situation makes everything blurry.

 

 

Im going to say this one more time.

"HE DOESNT REALLY LOVE YOU, HE IS JUST WITH YOU BECAUSE IT IS CHEAPER THAN PAYING CHILDSUPPORT AND ALIMONY. YOU ARE HIS COOK, HIS MAID, THAT IS ALL. "

 

If you were intelligent you would print these emails out. and get your divorce lawyer on that really quick. THerapy would be great AFTER you leave him for making his D***** someone elses.

[turnera]

Smith, I don't know if I posted this before, but on another forum, there's a guy whose wife never stood up to him and his abuse. Now, in their 50s, he is SO UTTERLY CONFIDENT that his wife will never leave him, that the son, in his 20s, came and posted about how his father 'made them' - he, his sister, and their mother - go to a party where the father's mistress was. His PREGNANT mistress. He had his family sit there and watch as he paraded his mistress around while he made out with her in front of them.

 

And they did - even his adult kids - because that is all they ever knew, their dad 'running' the family as a convenience, and their mom just accepting it all. How would the kids ever know to do differently?

 

Your kids are grown, but the same dynamic is at play.

 

This is where you are headed if you don't kick him out.

[SmithM]

We're in our late 30s, the woman is in her early 30s. I do work. I could support myself. I start therapy 1.5 weeks from now. He's still living in the house and feeling more distant as days pass.he told her he would "wait for her", until she contacted him "whenever she felt like it", that she was the boss, etc. Not one word from her. He has no clue that I know why he's so distraught.

 

The viewpoint on them keeping this up until the kids are out of the house, someone said if "they're still in love" then... But are they in love now? Just because they keep getting back together? I can't wait to see what my therapist will say. Thank you all.

[yessy21]

YOur therapist is going to tell you that if you allow that type of behavior from your husband that you have no respect for your children or yourself. and if she doesnt say it ... she will think it.

[stillafool]

He has no clue that I know why he's so distraught.

 

Does this tell you anything? If she were just a piece of strange, he wouldn't be so distraught.

 

The viewpoint on them keeping this up until the kids are out of the house, someone said if "they're still in love" then... But are they in love now? Just because they keep getting back together?

 

YES. What are you going to do about it?

[SmithM]

I just found out that they met for sex again, a few days ago. Its happened twice this week but i cant figure out who started it this time, no emails about that. Ther were a bunch of emails following the sex. I don't think I've ever cried this much. They're all dirty emails, some about other things, but these are the last excerpts:

 

Is your husband like me?

Is he rough with you like this?

Are you going to have sex with your husband tonight?

No, she's not.... ( When asked if I am like her!)

You're beautiful, you know that?

I'm checking you out. You're hot.

My c*** is yours. You own it. My c*** is your c***. You can have it anytime you want it.

Do you want to f***? ..

*(Her) My mouth?

(Him) Your p****, your t***, your a**... Wherever you want it.

Are you w** right now?

How many guys have you been with?

I thought you were a good girl.

I didn't know. ( When she mentioned how w** she got for him at when they worked together)

(Her) I would love to do this every day, as many times as you'd let me...

When can I see you again?

Let's do this once a week? (Twice, I think.)

(Her: No... There won't be a next time. Him: Oh! There will be a next time. I guarantee it.)

Say goodbye to the nice guy who kisses you....

Do you like it when I'm mean to you?

Am I rough enough? Or too much?

Do you really like it rough?

Don't you get scared?

(Her - No. You don't scare me.)

(Her) Do you know how gorgeous you are? You're the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen.

Why do you like it/me?

(Her) Because of your looks. I'm shallow.

I'll wait to hear from you. You're the boss, you're in charge.

 

By the way, many times he referenced a 25 page long she wrote him after one of their 10 break ups, over 2 years ago?! .And these are just excerpts. Why does he keep asking about her husband and her sex life, if she were just sex like he said, he wouldn't care. And he asked how many guys she's been with and she said "one, and you" ( there are emails from years ago where she says that she was a virgin when she got married?!). They're all so dirty.

 

But he mentioned the letter again, which I haven't read, but according to him she talks about he's two different guys, good and bad, nice and mean and she will never find out which one he is. So he's talking about that and goes "Do you like it when I'm mean to you?". He was very keen on pointing out that he was only acting like both because she liked it. Then he goes and asks if she noticed he was wearing a blue sweater, because she talked about one he was wearing once in the letter. This is all too much. But the content of the emails and the fact they met for sex only gives me hope. It could be just a fantasy of his and it will pass? He doesn't know that I know they met up again. And he wanted to see her every week, she's the one who said no. That's the part that hurt me the most. I know I need to leave, but maybe this will fizzle out because it's just sex.

Edited December 21, 2012 by SmithM

[myname]

I just found out that they met for sex again, a few days ago. Its happened twice this week but i cant figure out who started it this time, no emails about that. Ther were a bunch of emails following the sex. I don't think I've ever cried this much. They're all dirty emails, some about other things, but these are the last excerpts:

 

Is your husband like me?

Is he rough with you like this?

Are you going to have sex with your husband tonight?

No, she's not.... ( When asked if I am like her!)

You're beautiful, you know that?

I'm checking you out. You're hot.

My c*** is yours. You own it. My c*** is your c***. You can have it anytime you want it.

Do you want to f***? ..

*(Her) My mouth?

(Him) Your p****, your t***, your a**... Wherever you want it.

Are you w** right now?

How many guys have you been with?

I thought you were a good girl.

I didn't know. ( When she mentioned how w** she got for him at when they worked together)

(Her) I would love to do this every day, as many times as you'd let me...

When can I see you again?

Let's do this once a week? (Twice, I think.)

(Her: No... There won't be a next time. Him: Oh! There will be a next time. I guarantee it.)

Say goodbye to the nice guy who kisses you....

Do you like it when I'm mean to you?

Am I rough enough? Or too much?

Do you really like it rough?

Don't you get scared?

(Her - No. You don't scare me.)

(Her) Do you know how gorgeous you are? You're the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen.

Why do you like it/me?

(Her) Because of your looks. I'm shallow.

I'll wait to hear from you. You're the boss, you're in charge.

 

By the way, many times he referenced a 25 page long she wrote him after one of their 10 break ups, over 2 years ago?! .And these are just excerpts. Why does he keep asking about her husband and her sex life, if she were just sex like he said, he wouldn't care. And he asked how many guys she's been with and she said "one, and you" ( there are emails from years ago where she says that she was a virgin when she got married?!). They're all so dirty.

 

But he mentioned the letter again, which I haven't read, but according to him she talks about he's two different guys, good and bad, nice and mean and she will never find out which one he is. So he's talking about that and goes "Do you like it when I'm mean to you?". He was very keen on pointing out that he was only acting like both because she liked it. Then he goes and asks if she noticed he was wearing a blue sweater, because she talked about one he was wearing once in the letter. This is all too much. But the content of the emails and the fact they met for sex only gives me hope. It could be just a fantasy of his and it will pass? He doesn't know that I know they met up again. And he wanted to see her every week, she's the one who said no. That's the part that hurt me the most. I know I need to leave, but maybe this will fizzle out because it's just sex.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds absolutely horrible.

 

I know you want to have hope but you appear to really be in denial to try to get that hope. It might fizzle out, it might not, does that really matter? What you've read is all the proof you need but you seem to be twisting things around in your head to try to cling to some hope. He's having an affair and has been for a long time and he's instigating it.

 

You can twist this any which way you want if all you want is to deny reality and continue living with a man who's not behaving well to you, or you can accept this is what he's doing and decide what you want to do about that. I know it's hard but are you happy with what's going on right now? It's not going to suddenly be alright just so long as you carry on pretending it will be. What do you want?

 

Is it to have a husband who has sexual affairs behind your back continuously while you pretend all is ok just so long as he doesn't leave you?

[movingon12]

OP - I haven't read all the posts or threads, but I think I've read enough.

 

Can I ask you, in all seriousness, why you are tolerating this?

 

Honestly, I can't understand it. I can understand agreeing to forgive a spouse who had an affair (past tense) and has apologised and is willing to work on repairing the damage. But your husband is currently having an affair - and he knows you know, and he's still doing it.

 

I realise you have children - but that's not a reason to stay with someone who treats you like this. Not to mention what kind of environment are they being raised in? Are they growing up in a happy, secure, loving environment? I don't see how they can be.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to your children? Don't you all deserve better?

[turnera]

Are you finally ready to leave? Or are you going to sit there and read TEN MORE YEARS of letters like this?

 

If you won't leave for yourself, leave for your children who will grow up to do exactly what YOU do. Or what HE does. If you stay.

[2sunny]

Leave him!!!

 

Good God girl - the M is a mockery and your H is making a fool out of you!

 

LOVE doesn't look like that!

 

Kick him out now!

[dreamingoftigers]

Holy Geebus, why are you torturing yourself with this man? Do you have a boundary that says enough is enough?

He obviously gets off and f'ing his ow, with the added component of thinking he is getting one over on her hubby. Yuck!

 

You aren't a victim, you are a willing participant now and your kids, well if you continue to live like that, you will be just as guilty as he is for damaging them. I know........because my mother stayed with my serial cheater father. Children are better off out of such a toxic environment.

 

Bluntly I do feel that she is a victim.

 

I have anxiety issues from an abusive childhood and discovered in my domestic violence group that my response to trauma is to "freeze.'

 

I literally cease acting in my own best interest until the crisis has passed.

 

In a case like this (and yes I've been there) I would just literally be stuck, as if staring at a car crash and being unable to stop that feeling.

 

This woman is seeing her like trainwreck in slow motion and the way that she is dealing with it is almost treating it like a movie in which she cannot have a say in how things turn out. She doesn't know what the ending is and the plot is very unpleasant.

 

However, she does not feel free to leave the theater.

 

It took me years to finally do something beyond talking about it. Everyone on here pushing for me to leave etc. just seemed like more voices shouting at me in my already chaotic sphere. I took the supports and left the rest.

 

SmithM will probably watch until she realizes that she is a leading cast member and not just an extra.

 

At this point it is self-preservation and this is probably the only place that she can talk about it.

 

Hi SmithM, how are you holding up?

[sweet_pea]

Sweetheart,

 

I know you're hurting. I really do.

 

But at this time, you're allowing yourself to be hurt even more than you need to be.

 

You have all of the proof in the world of his cheating, treating you like crap, everything. But you choose to just stay put and do nothing.

 

Why?

 

I know it's hard to leave (or kick out) someone you love. But he is not treating you the way he should, he is not respecting your marriage, he is showing you that he couldn't give a f*ck about it.

 

And you're allowing him. You've read all of those messages.

 

When is enough, enough for you? How far does it need to go to kick some sense into you and for you to show him the door?

 

It frustrates me so much to read your update, and see that you're not doing anything.

 

Whether you want to reconcile or not, you need to take action. If anything, you're showing that he can walk all over you and you won't do anything.

 

I know you're much stronger than that, and that's why I cringe when I read this thread.

 

I want to just reach through the screen, give you a hug, then shake some sense into ya!

 

Please, girly, muster up every ounce of courage you have and address him. Show him the door. Show him he can't treat you that way.

 

Xo.

Edited December 22, 2012 by sweet_pea

[stillafool]

You can shake her or whatever you want to do but nothing is going to make her leave this man. She knows that he doesn't love her but will stay because she is desperate for him. I think she is just using LS to journal what she finds on him. I'm glad she is starting therapy the first week of the year and I hope she makes a resolution to not spend 2013 the way she has 2012. I didn't realize her kids are grown. I thought they were babies.

[2sunny]

I find it hard to believe this woman is in her late thirties and has 6 grown children.

 

Things don't add up.

[stillafool]

I agree 2Sunny, but that's what Turnera said. SmithM how old are your children?

[ThatJustHappened]

Reading this thread is like banging my head against a wall repeatedly.

 

OP, if it was just sex, he'd have found a more willing and less difficult partner (or 5). He's had to work pretty hard for this woman, which means he has some kind of feelings for her. It's been 4 years and it hasn't fizzled out yet..this OW isn't going anywhere. You can either turn a blind eye and allow him to continue making a fool of you and your whole family, or you can be brave and leave.

[stillafool]

SmithM if you don't want to leave your cheating husband at least do yourself a favor and stop spying on him. Reading their love notes only hurts you and makes you feel terrible. Stop spying and just accept that these two are going to see each other. I don't see your husband leaving you or the OW leaving her husband anytime soon. At least stop spying for the next week and a half until you start your therapy.

[SmithM]

It is very frustrating to try to find some support on this forum and to be questioned often - no, I don't have 6 kids and they are not grown! It was one of the posters who was obviously mistaking me for someone else. I don't understand where all the mistrust comes from. I've done the best I can with the advice I've gotten here.

 

Ive been posting on another forum and got a male perspective on some of my husbands comments, which I think will come in handy since I want to confront my husband about meeting her for sex after everything he had put me through, but I'm waiting for the holidays to be over, we have too much going on right now.

 

Here's what he said:"The my c0ck is yours message means that he now feels primary sexual loyalty to her rather than you. If it came to a showdown between her and you, he's telling her, he would side with her. And he will do things if she wants them that override his better sense. You have been dethroned as his life partner -- he now considers himself married to her.*

 

I once had a married sexual partner I did this same thing with. I made her suck my cock and recite her marriage vows around her mouthful. I then told her that she had unmarried her husband and married my penis, and she began to act that way. (We guys are heartless bastards sometimes, I know.)*

 

You are right that it is too far, and the affair has gone from his cock to his brain and heart. In fact, now, when he's ******* you, be assured he's thinking of her, and would be happier if you would make moves that she makes. This is of course completely unreasonable.*"

 

Is there truth to any of this? Or is that an isolated opinion? I feel myself getting stronger every day, because despite all the betrayal, saying she "owns" his c*** goes too far. It wreaks of involvement that he has denied from the start. I'm also hoping that starting therapy will give me enough strength to confront him correctly, efficiently. It was just different to hear a mans perspective because as a woman, those specific comments made me cringe more than anything else.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hear you..... Cheating men make me cringe period.

 

I do, however, think this is an isolated opinion, and a weird one at that.

 

Glad to hear you are gaining momentum....

[stillafool]

It is very frustrating to try to find some support on this forum and to be questioned often - no, I don't have 6 kids and they are not grown! It was one of the posters who was obviously mistaking me for someone else. I don't understand where all the mistrust comes from. I've done the best I can with the advice I've gotten here.

 

 

People ask questions because they want clarification of your situation in order to give you sound advice. Who mistrusts you here? People want to know if your kids are little ones or grown in order to advise you of the best plan for you. You haven't done anything with the advice you get here and it's as if you aren't even reading it. Men here have given you advice about your situation and you don't listen. Yes the man on the other forum is correct and his advice doesn't seem much different than what has been said here. The point is what are you going to do about it.

Edited December 26, 2012 by stillafool

[2sunny]

You're waiting for the holiday to be over - well it's over now.

 

There will always be lots going on - there is only one right time to end this kind of betrayal - NOW!

 

You will always look for any excuse to believe him - but his evidence shows he lies and cheats. That's not a good husband.

[Marly F.]

I've seen you ask about this affair ever since 2009 in different places on the internet. Don't pretend like you haven't.

 

Maybe, it's time to do get therapy. I don't understand how you could stay with your husband for that long amidst all of this.