turnera Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I am bending over backwards to find an alternative to divorce. I want him to not be in love with her so that we can work on our marriage. He's taking her back for the 10th time. FOUR years. Can that really be just lust? He was my only boyfriend so my views on the subject are skewed. I don't mind insults as long as I get feedback that would help see the real situation. He has to be lying about the seriousness even more than I thought. The FIRST thing you have to do - today or tomorrow - is to sit down with your phone and call his mother, his father, his siblings, and his best friends. And his pastor if you go to church. Tell them what he has been doing. Ask them to talk to him, talk some sense into him. Tell him that they are ashamed of him. Tell them that you don't want to give up on your marriage, but if he doesn't give up ALL other women RIGHT NOW, you'll have no choice but to divorce. At the same time, get this woman's information. Get her husband's hame and phone number and call him and tell him they are continuing. If you can get it, call her parents, too. Then just sit back and wait for all the 'I hate you,' and 'now you've done it' and 'I was GOING to pick YOU but now you've ruined it.' Ignore it all. Wait him out. See if they give it up. DO NOT DISCUSS WHAT YOU KNOW OR HOW YOU KNOW IT. None of his business. That is him trying to blameshift - shift the blame onto you, instead of acknowledging what he did. Say nothing but 'either you give up OW or we are divorcing.' Nothing more. This may take a few weeks. In the meantime, make plans for a legal separation. 2
Author SmithM Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Thank you very much for the advice. Ive been thinking about exposure for a while. It may be my last resort. But one thing about your post struck me : him saying that he would "pick" me? Do you really think it is at that point? I am thinking of this woman as another notch, not someone he would leave me for. Am I being blind? And he doesn't have other women right now, but he's had two others in the past. I can't help but care about his interaction with her, and what it means that he took her back and so "enthusiastically". I apologize - I'm heartbroken right now and probably not making sense. The only words swirling in my brain are whether my husband loves someone else. And what all of this means. Again, I apologize. I still think it could be just sex. I am deeply grateful to all of you.
2sunny Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Yes he obviously loves her - he's willing to risk his whole life as he knows it for her. Divorce him and take him for everything he's worth. Exposé to everyone and let HIM deal with the aftermath of his poor choices and poor actions. Tell him now - that you know and it's over - and to get out!
2sunny Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I think - from your title - that you forget your husband is supposed to be married too! Your husband is a blatant cheater!!!!! There's NO reason to consider keeping that scumbag around for one more minute! Take action! 3
Spark1111 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I am bending over backwards to find an alternative to divorce. I want him to not be in love with her so that we can work on our marriage. He's taking her back for the 10th time. FOUR years. Can that really be just lust? He was my only boyfriend so my views on the subject are skewed. I don't mind insults as long as I get feedback that would help see the real situation. He has to be lying about the seriousness even more than I thought. Not only should you expose him and her to her spouse, you should throw him out and tell him to go get her. pack his bags and show him the door and wish them both well. I did, and it turned out to be the last thing he wanted. When it was no longer secret, illicit and a fun rebellion, it went pssssssst. 5
turnera Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Thank you very much for the advice. Ive been thinking about exposure for a while. It may be my last resort. But one thing about your post struck me : him saying that he would "pick" me? Do you really think it is at that point? I am thinking of this woman as another notch, not someone he would leave me for. Am I being blind? And he doesn't have other women right now, but he's had two others in the past. I can't help but care about his interaction with her, and what it means that he took her back and so "enthusiastically". I apologize - I'm heartbroken right now and probably not making sense. The only words swirling in my brain are whether my husband loves someone else. And what all of this means. Again, I apologize. I still think it could be just sex. I am deeply grateful to all of you.Many people who end up in affairs do so because of the limerence, the PEA chemicals, and they get caught up in the addiction - they need to keep getting their fix. If you can remove that drug -the OW - they CAN come off the drug and go through withdrawal and return to their senses. Not always. But it's better than the chances you have right now by accepting it. 1
turnera Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Not only should you expose him and her to her spouse, you should throw him out and tell him to go get her. pack his bags and show him the door and wish them both well. I did, and it turned out to be the last thing he wanted. When it was no longer secret, illicit and a fun rebellion, it went pssssssst. Exactly. The best case I ever saw, a man caught his wife on the floor of one of their rent houses, rolling around with OM. He whipped out his phone, took a picture of them, sent it to OM's wife, grabbed all their clothes, walked out, threw the clothes in the middle of the street, and drove home. By the time he got home, she was right behind him, begging and pleading, on her knees, for him to forgive her. Immediate swift action - and unwillingness to accept the cheating - is the absolute best way to snap them out of it. 2
Author SmithM Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 He thinks his phone is password protected, so he hasn't bothered to delete anything. I found more texts between them today. They had scheduled to talk on the phone and she texts him asking what happened. He says nothing, that in herr last (dirty!) txt he thought she said she couldn't talk. Then he says he's about to sit down for lunch with a business associate and he call after lunch then he writes "I wish I could see you this afternoon". This is not like him. There were other things, like how he wished she was around that day, etc. plus a bunch of sex messages, like what he would do to her, her to him. I can't even think straight right now. I know you guys think I'm pathetic and probably don't want to help but I have kids with this man. Is it really that impossible that he just wants sex? What really got me was that he hasn't had sex with her in 2.5 years, and he kept saying he couldn't forget it and was all over her as soon as she emailed? I mean, he was at work! What does it mean that it's been so long and he hasn't let go?
BetrayedH Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I don't think you want this to continue. I am coming to the belief that if you want to reconcile, you have to make it very clear to the WS what they are risking and force them to make a choice. This means that regardless of whether you want to reconcile or divorce, you file for divorce. You also expose the cheater to everyone. You force them to see the consequences on your actions. You put his things on the curb and change te locks. You force him to show you the respect you deserve and demonstrate consistent actions over time that he has changed his ways. THEN you consider taking him back. What he wants is to keep his marriage and this other woman. He's going to keep doing his until he has a motivation to change. That can come from you or it can come from the OW. I doubt she is going to change anything and your H is betting that you won't either. At this point, he appears to be right. As for an emotional connection, he clearly finds her irresistable or he wouldn't be taking such risks. If that's not emotional, I don't know what is. 2
stillafool Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Your H is heavily involved with this woman emotionally. Why don't you talk to him about these emails you found? What are you waiting for? Are you afraid he will leave? If so at this point he would be doing you a favor. You aren't the first woman to have kids with a cheating husband. Why don't you stand up to him and take some action rather than snooping and wondering how he feels about this OW. He is a cheater whether it is this woman or another. I think part of his attraction to the OW is she tells him no. 1
Spark1111 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 He thinks his phone is password protected, so he hasn't bothered to delete anything. I found more texts between them today. They had scheduled to talk on the phone and she texts him asking what happened. He says nothing, that in herr last (dirty!) txt he thought she said she couldn't talk. Then he says he's about to sit down for lunch with a business associate and he call after lunch then he writes "I wish I could see you this afternoon". This is not like him. There were other things, like how he wished she was around that day, etc. plus a bunch of sex messages, like what he would do to her, her to him. I can't even think straight right now. I know you guys think I'm pathetic and probably don't want to help but I have kids with this man. Is it really that impossible that he just wants sex? What really got me was that he hasn't had sex with her in 2.5 years, and he kept saying he couldn't forget it and was all over her as soon as she emailed? I mean, he was at work! What does it mean that it's been so long and he hasn't let go? Sure. It's very titilating. If he loved the woman, he'd have left his wife already. Yeah, it's about sex. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Sure. It's very titilating. If he loved the woman, he'd have left his wife already. Yeah, it's about sex. You know, after re-reading the thread, I have to revise my position and agree with Spark. The fact is that he is exactly where he wants to be, with his wife. Otherwise, he would leave her. He just likes this OW as a side piece. Unfortunate for her that she has been dragged thru the mud by him for such a long time. She probably wonders if he loves her or is just toying with her. As for the sex only being twice, I suppose it's possible. But the only way you would really KNOW that is if you were the OW. Boy, wouldn't that be an interesting twist to this thread. 2
Realist3 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 One big reason he may not want to leave is wife is 6 children. That is a lot of child support $$$. That may not be his only reason, but it surely has to factor in. 2
turnera Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I can't even think straight right now. I know you guys think I'm pathetic and probably don't want to help but I have kids with this man. Is it really that impossible that he just wants sex? IF he just wants sex, you are ok with it? You'll let him screw as many women as he wants for the next 50 years, just as long as he comes home to you? With that attitude, by a year or two, he'll KNOW you are too weak to leave, and he will become emboldened. He will start bringing these women HOME WITH HIM and start screwing them in YOUR bed. Because that's how weak you will be. He is putting YOUR LIFE at risk by screwing other women. And he doesn't care. Do you want your children growing up to be like him? Or so weak like you? They learn WHO TO BE by copying you two. You are dooming them to this by not taking action. And btw, he will STILL have children with you. He just may not be in the same house any more. No matter what, the ONLY way he will ever STOP and stay with you is if you confront him.
JamesM Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 SmithM, I cannot remember...are YOU the wife or the OW? 1
yessy21 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 You need to realise that this is a serious affair. they could have had sex only once and that is still disrespectful enough to end a marriage. If she were single no doubt that he wouldnt look back at you. Sorry but you need to open your eyes and see that an affair is just a way of someone breaking away from the person they are married to. If he thought it was just sex... it would have been once and never ever would have they emailed again.
yessy21 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 He thinks his phone is password protected, so he hasn't bothered to delete anything. I found more texts between them today. They had scheduled to talk on the phone and she texts him asking what happened. He says nothing, that in herr last (dirty!) txt he thought she said she couldn't talk. Then he says he's about to sit down for lunch with a business associate and he call after lunch then he writes "I wish I could see you this afternoon". This is not like him. There were other things, like how he wished she was around that day, etc. plus a bunch of sex messages, like what he would do to her, her to him. I can't even think straight right now. I know you guys think I'm pathetic and probably don't want to help but I have kids with this man. Is it really that impossible that he just wants sex? What really got me was that he hasn't had sex with her in 2.5 years, and he kept saying he couldn't forget it and was all over her as soon as she emailed? I mean, he was at work! What does it mean that it's been so long and he hasn't let go? If she were available, he would leave her for you. so stop trying to hold on to someone who doesnt respect you, or your children. Your making excuses and honestly if i was this man id think you were a complete fool. Please print out and take pictures of your evidence and keep it safe so when the time comes you can receive some type of alimony.
stillafool Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 One big reason he may not want to leave is wife is 6 children. That is a lot of child support $$$. That may not be his only reason, but it surely has to factor in. I completely agree. He knows he would be f--ked if he had to pay child support, alimony and everything else for 6 kids. It is 'cheaper to keep her' here for sure. Plus this man has a wife who lets him cheat and do whatever else he wants to do. He isn't missing out on anything by staying married. The only reason he hasn't had sex with this OW is because she put a stop to it. If it were left up to him they would still be seeing each other. It sounds like the OW is holding all the cards when it comes to them resuming the relationship. If the OW doesn't want him anymore he will find another one to take her place. He is never going to be faithful to SmithM.
Author SmithM Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 I have a lot of updates, so I'll try to address the rest as quickly as I can. Firstly, I am not the other woman and it is hurtful to be compared to a low life like that. But thank you to those of you who have written posts of encouragement, even though they are hard to read sometimes. The first update is that I have realized I need individual therapy. I simply don't know how to approach this constructively, and the more time passes, the deeper their relationship becomes, and the more desperate I am. They had sex again last night, after 2.5 years. I don't know how they scheduled it, so I didn't find out until after the fact. The email count is now well over 700 over the years, and they were commenting on all sorts of things that happened last night. I can't even think straight. But there were different signs in these messages. My husband asks a lot of questions about HER husband! Like, "Does he have sex with you like that?" and "Are you going to have sex with him tonight?" and talking about his penis "How does mine compare?". I've read over 700 emails between them, and my husband has never been that forward about inquiring into her marriage/sex life. At one point, he asks how many guys she's been with! He read that 25 page long letter she wrote over 2 years ago, where she says he's two different guys, nice and bad, and how she preferred the nice guy, but how much she likes rough sex - and my husband wrote things like "The nice guy who kissed you tonight is leaving now...". He also mentions he wore a blue sweater for her because she once said she liked it! Then here's the kicker: again he asks her three times to have their trysts weekly! She says no, that when she feels like doing it again, she would let him know?! Oh, and then he writes that his penis "is hers", she "owns it", she can "have it any time she wants, wherever she wants it" and then proceeds to mention every hole imaginable! But he wrote it several times that she "owned it and it was only hers"... I'm heartbroken and I don't know what to do. I keep thinking that his interest in the her sex life, from comparing himself to her husband to caring about how many she's been with, plus all the many personal things he mentions, shows me that this is a whole different ball game for him. At one point he was asking about her husband ("Is he like me?"), she seemed hesitant not replying to all the emails, and then she asks "Is your wife like me?" and he simply answers "No... She's not.". He didn't explain what he meant, she didn't ask. And I cried for the first time since I found out.
silvermercy Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 OP I tried really hard reading your posts to find some sympathy for you since you're obviously in deep pain but I just... CAN'T! I'm really really sorry!! You should realise that by now you're not a victim anymore but a volunteer. You're causing your own pain. I think you said that this is your first relationship. It's obvious or you wouldn't have settled for a serial cheater!! But it goes deeper than that I think. So many people have broken up with their 1st relationship for things way less serious than yours. So have some respect for yourself! Or at least for your children who will grow up in such an unhealthy environment! Would you let your children get involved with such a man? I truly hope not! So why are you doing this to yourself? Your posts SCREAM these things among other things: extreme denial, extreme desperation, very very very low self-esteem, and naïveté. You are wasting your life and your children's lives with this jerk. Why can't you open you eyes and really see it!? Stop being a doormat. Have some counselling to help you see what others here see but you can't. Personally I would have shown him the door with the very FIRST incriminating message. And you've got a LOT of those! At this point, who cares if there was emotional or emotional bond!? I will repeat it: have some self-respect! He clearly sees that you have none of it so why should he bother showing you any? Right? 1
Author SmithM Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 I understand, but I go back and forth between my gut feeling that this is serious to him, and his claims that it's meaningless and all this stuff he's saying is just dirty talk, in which case I could still repair our marriage - he is still with me, after all. But I asked this question on another forum and someone said that if he's at the point of asking about her marriage, sex life, comparing himself to her husband, he has gone from thinking about being with her permanently, to feeling out for the possibility by asking questions. I keep thinking it could just be his ego talking. She's the one resisting him, saying she will let him know "if and when" she feels like seeing him... And he finally concedes and writes "You're the boss... I will wait for you.". This is why I need opinions, being in the situation makes everything blurry.
sweet_pea Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Reading this entire thread has me dizzy. OP, what do you want? Your WS is constantly disrespecting you and your marriage. The fact that he had SEX with the OW, not a few months ago, but YESTERDAY should be telling. I really think you need counseling. It seems like you're very dependent on him. He isn't going to change, as far as I see it, since you haven't done anything drastic to show him that this is serious business. I'm sorry, OP, but that's just how I see it. I just don't understand how this situation is making you blurry. They're in a long-term affair (what was it? 2+ years?) and you're on the sidelines allowing for it to happen. He gives you excuses, and you take them. Time for you to wo"man" up and quit accepting the BS.
Author SmithM Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Not 2+ years... Four years. Edit: She says in emails she told her h about the affair. He stayed with her.
Minnie09 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You poor poor thing. I feel for you. I feel your pain. So he knows you know, or at least he knows you know of past encounters? And he claims it's only sexual? Whatever he says. It doesn't matter anymore. He knows he hurts you, and still continues to do so. You and your family should be his priority and I don't see that happening. It's scary and it's hard, but you are suffering and you can't go on like this, being disrespected like this. How old are you? Do you work? Counseling is a great idea for starters, then try to figure out if/how you can manage to live on your own, financially. You know how much he makes, then do some Internet research on child support and alimony, in order to get a general idea of how much you will get from him every month in addition to your own income. Stay in the house for now, as I think it would be emotionally too stressful to have to deal with apartment shopping and moving in your current situation. The kids will have an easier time also if they don't have to move houses right now. He should move out and keep doing what he's been doing all along. Chase a married W. and yes, once he's out, expose to her H. I think that'll wake them up and give them a little reality check. I think your M is over, unless he comes to his senses, bends over backwards in order to accommodate your needs, make you a priority as he should, and sees what he's standing to lose. Right now he doesn't respect you. And if you let him live with you, he will suffer no consequences. You can talk it over a million times with him, send him emails explaining your feelings, it won't help. He won't care. Look at his behavior in the past and draw your conclusions, ideally together with a counselor, because somebody else will see more than you WANT to see. It's hard to take a realistic look at our own desperate situations, as we tend to hide from the harsh reality, in order to avoid having to deal with changes and difficult times ahead. If we're in the situation, we don't see clear. Been there done that. It's time to respect yourself. I think you're still young enough to make a new life. And if he wants to be back in it, he'll let you know and he'll have to ASK for it and show you that's he's worth it. Right now, he's not worth it.*
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