treescholar Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Hi! I really need help. Im going to try to have this as short as possible. We started a 7 year program at uni together this august and from day one physical attraction was there. The tension was extreme and after 2 weeks og knowing each other we slept together. The first time, she specifically said that she was NOT looking for a relationship because she needed to workthings out with herself, ill come to that later! So the next couple of weeks we slept together during weekends and in the meantime we were really good friends, studied to together (very sexual situations a lot of touching). She called me everyday and was chasing me, of course i called her too but her level of interest was high (as far as i could see it). She trusted me alot and enjoyed hanging out with me. We exchanged fb passwords because we were trying to cut the facebook usage. After each encounter though she said that we should stop sleeping together because she gets really attached BUT she came always running back and asking for more. She seemed to also be scared that I was looking for a relationship. She kept on telling me that this was the best sex she has ever had. So we finally had a talk almost 2 weeks ago where she said that we should stop completely and that she really likes me (I told her that i liked her too, feel like that was a mistake) but she cant handle a relationship. She is still in love with her EX! He had talked to her recently on fb out of nowhere and she has been dreaming about him since. Said it wouldnt be fair to go further with me because if he would come back, she would want to be with him. That relationship ended a year and a half ago, on good terms though (neither wanted to end it) because she had to move away for school. That relationship is a lost cause though, he lives in another country (a foreigner) and she is stuck her for at least 6 years, and nooooo way he is moving here because he has never lived here and doesnt speak the native language. I said "well i have no interest in a relationship with someone that is still thinking about their ex. When you are over him and ready then we can talk about something more. I think its stupid though if we become less friends after this and if you dont want to sleep together occasionally then i understand!" and she followed by saying that being friends and sleeping together doesnt work, it gets too serious. She said that waiting for someone isnt a good idea, it means something will always be going on. And i aggreed but feel as if as soon as she starts thinking clearly and not hung up on her ex something could actually happen. She said we should just become Best friendS?! Now i ask, after all this we are still studying together but its obvious she is trying to back off physically, less touching ... like everything just vanished! Does physical attraction just get cut off like that? I dont get it. What should i do to still be an option for occasional sex? It isnt awkward at all, im portaying an indifferent attitude. Do you think i have a chance with her? Did she never have any feeling for me at all? I think its wierd that she shows so much interest and all of a sudden Im in a totally different catagory... Is she still attracted to me but just really trying to not show it and hold off??
MrCastle Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Conceivably you have a chance but really, when you think about it, do you really want to have that kind of relationship where she's in total control calling all the shots? First she was cool with having sex with you, then she demoted you to friend status because she's hung up on her ex. What if she gets over her ex for a little, and calls you back up into the sex zone only to demote you again if her feelings for her ex return? You don't want to get involved with someone emotionally unavailable. You're at a university, I'm sure there's plenty of other women to choose from.
Mrlonelyone Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 To the OP: In my experience, and my parents have shared this wisdom with me; Relationships have an ebb and flow. Just like the tide rolls in and out. No one ever feels exactly 100% the same, 100% in love, 100% attracted all the time. So she's dealing with feelings for her ex and wants to put a little distance between you two. Respect her, give'er time. How much time? Well you have to answer that for yourself. My advice on that would be to keep your options open while you wait for her. If a more emotionally available woman comes along then you have to make a choice. Waste life waiting for her to be ready again or move on. @Mr. Castle, and others. Lost of single men and women "in college"... perhaps when your an undergrad under 22. For the OP and people like me that not necessarily the case. Given the time frame of the program this person mentioned I'd think they are working on a PhD or other Doctoral level degree. Fellow graduate students are often engaged, married, with children on the way or planned for the near future. Undergraduate women while single present problems too. If they are a TA and even if they aren't many universities have policies forbidding graduate students from dating undergraduates. Then there is the social resistance to a relationship with a larger age gap. He would need to find a young woman willing to deal with social disapproval from people her own age, a tall order for many young people. Last but not least he's going to be there for seven years. Most of the single women you envision are only going to be there for four years total. The OP will sooner rather than latter start to think of having a really long term relationship, settling down, getting married.
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