crazylove Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Hi all, So, as the title says, my partner of a year has started proceedings to become a sperm donor in a clinic. I was fine with it until the councellor also asked to see me, and now i'm kinda freaking out! I know this concerns me and our future, but at the end of the day we're not married. I'm just not sure how I feel about it, and wondered what you guys thought, or if anyone has any first hand experience(excuse the pun!) lol
Author crazylove Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Anyone? Ladies...how would you feel if your partner said they wanted to become a donor?
GorillaTheater Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Well, many years ago I was a donor, and they never expressed any interest in speaking with my wife, so I'm curious why they want to talk to you. I may be able to help with other specific concerns you might have. 2
Nightsky Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Maybe they want to test you for STI's or something. It's strange they want to speak to you and strange he wants to do it. I thought about being a sperm donor myself. I've never had kids yet and I'm in my late twenties so it could confirm that my sperm is usable, not that I've ever tried to get a girl pregnant. Also it would be kind of cool to spread my seed ensuring my genetic material gets passed down the ages. Thing is I don't like the loss of control. I don't like the idea of my unborn son, daughter being raised by some lesbian couple or what ever. Some people who might be losers. I don't like the loss of control. I wouldn't like to think about it and wonder where are my kids that aren't my kids right now. It would be hard on my mind. Not to mention what if years later the kids some how found me and it was weird. It's just all so weird so I don't think I'll ever do it. But who knows maybe. I don't know why is he doing it. All kind of strange.
pink_sugar Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I'm not really comfortable with it...especially if we're planning to have children of our own. Just the idea of him having several biological kids he does not know of while we're committed would feel weird. I would feel different if it was something he had already done prior to the relationship. Men, how would you feel if your wife/girlfriend wanted to be a surrogate or donate her eggs? 2
Author crazylove Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Thanks for your replies. From what I can gather, they want to talk to me to see how i feel about it, and whether I agree with what he's doing. They said that if I don't agree with it, it may affect the decision on whether they use his donations. I guess because ultimately if we are at a later date married, or in a long term relationship that if his kids turn up on the doorstep then I will be affected. I'm kinda in 2 minds at the moment...I can see his reasoning for helping couples/females that cannot conceive, however, I've been looking into the effects on the children themselves, and it seems that MOST are unhappy that the mother/parents conceived them in this way. Also seems that most end up a little psychology damaged after they are told that their childhood is a lie and the father is not their own?? That is the feeling I'm getting from reading a lot of articles on the net. Is this accurate do you think? I think a lot of people seem to 'forget' about the feelings of the child once they are told and become an adult. 2
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) That's just screwy. A man has relatively little right over his partner's decision to abort an unwanted child, or can have little say in a child's upbringing if he's not married to the mother, and can even be denied the right of fatherhood on his own child's birth certificate - but you - as a "mere" partner, NOT a wife - get a contributing opinion on how you feel about his decision to be a sperm donor? Something's not right here.... EDIT: Much talk of disquiet and unhappiness on the child's part on its 'origins' is blown out of proportion, dramatised and hyped. I have one person I know who was born as a result of AI, and he's a well-adjusted, happy, contented young boy. And he's fully aware of what his parents had to go through in order to have him. I would say he's in the majority.... Edited December 4, 2012 by TaraMaiden 2
GorillaTheater Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I'm kinda in 2 minds at the moment...I can see his reasoning for helping couples/females that cannot conceive, however, I've been looking into the effects on the children themselves, and it seems that MOST are unhappy that the mother/parents conceived them in this way. Also seems that most end up a little psychology damaged after they are told that their childhood is a lie and the father is not their own?? That is the feeling I'm getting from reading a lot of articles on the net. Is this accurate do you think? I think a lot of people seem to 'forget' about the feelings of the child once they are told and become an adult. I don't know whether it's accurate or not, although it may well be true in certain cases. What I can tell you is that I've met one of my "bio kids", and he's a pretty-well adjusted guy. An only child, so he was pretty excited by the thought of a new horde of siblings. He became pretty close to my oldest son, who was close to the same age. As a matter of fact, they could pass for twins. 1
Balzac Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I'm not understanding the comparison to egg donation. The female counterpart is a more invasive, complicated with hormone injection and the preparation takes longer lead time. I'm not sure how ejaculating into a cup on a regular basis begins to approach what egg donors go through. Not sure how sperm donation would affect a female partner.
pink_sugar Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 TM has a good point. I've never agreed with the lack of rights men have when it comes to kids, especially abortion. I'm definitely pro-choice, but I think the father's opinion should be valued more. If the mother is single, that's another thing entirely, but lets say a married couple and the father wants to keep the baby. I also think men should have more rights as far as custody. I actually am also surprised you would have these rights. I could understand it more if you're married, but it doesn't make sense in this case. If it's something you're not comfortable with, you should talk with him.
pink_sugar Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I'm not understanding the comparison to egg donation. The female counterpart is a more invasive, complicated with hormone injection and the preparation takes longer lead time. I'm not sure how ejaculating into a cup on a regular basis begins to approach what egg donors go through. Not sure how sperm donation would affect a female partner. Since the OP is asking how someone would feel if their partner donated sperm, I think the relevant question also applies to men. Yes, egg donation is more invasive, but I think the OP is getting at how the other person would feel regarding such donations that would involve biological children.
Author crazylove Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 That's just screwy. A man has relatively little right over his partner's decision to abort an unwanted child, or can have little say in a child's upbringing if he's not married to the mother, and can even be denied the right of fatherhood on his own child's birth certificate - but you - as a "mere" partner, NOT a wife - get a contributing opinion on how you feel about his decision to be a sperm donor? Something's not right here.... EDIT: Much talk of disquiet and unhappiness on the child's part on its 'origins' is blown out of proportion, dramatised and hyped. I have one person I know who was born as a result of AI, and he's a well-adjusted, happy, contented young boy. And he's fully aware of what his parents had to go through in order to have him. I would say he's in the majority.... I agree with your above comment re it being screwy! I personally don't see the need on speaking to the partner as untimately it's the man's decision. PS I have been 'asked' not 'told' to go and see them, so it is my deicision...but now i'm worried that whatever I say may influence their decision...However, I would be supportive of my partner in whatever he decides. I'm not saying all children are unhappy...this is how it comes across...there seem to be very few stories on 'happy' ai children. Maybe the happy ones don't see a need to post their stories i guess, and it's only the disgruntled ones that use the net to view their opinions?
GorillaTheater Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 TM has a good point. I've never agreed with the lack of rights men have when it comes to kids, especially abortion. I'm definitely pro-choice, but I think the father's opinion should be valued more. If the mother is single, that's another thing entirely, but lets say a married couple and the father wants to keep the baby. I also think men should have more rights as far as custody. I actually am also surprised you would have these rights. I could understand it more if you're married, but it doesn't make sense in this case. If it's something you're not comfortable with, you should talk with him. There are really no "rights" to discuss. His rights (and legal obligations) end when he hands the cup to the nurse.
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 'bad' news is more sensational than 'good'.... Considering the number of ai children who must exist, it seems odd to just be hearing about the 'bad' stuff. I guess there's bad stuff about adopted kids, foster kids, orphans and hey, I bet there's even a whole heap of bad stuff about natural kids too... Do you see my point? isolating ai 'bad experiences' makes it sound as if over all, it's not a sound idea to have an ai child. But there are millions of unhappy 'naturally-made' children too. It's just hype. Bad news sells.
Author crazylove Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 I don't know whether it's accurate or not, although it may well be true in certain cases. What I can tell you is that I've met one of my "bio kids", and he's a pretty-well adjusted guy. An only child, so he was pretty excited by the thought of a new horde of siblings. He became pretty close to my oldest son, who was close to the same age. As a matter of fact, they could pass for twins. I hope you don't mind my asking, but do you still keep in touch with him, and also how has your wife been with your bio kids? I mean, has it been difficult for her, and were the bio kids born before your own children with her?
GorillaTheater Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I hope you don't mind my asking, but do you still keep in touch with him, and also how has your wife been with your bio kids? I mean, has it been difficult for her, and were the bio kids born before your own children with her? She was fine with it. It was a little difficult to discuss the mechanics of the situation with the kids, but it was all good. We already had one kid of our own when I started. I discussed the situation pretty thoroughly in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/205716-semen-donor 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 There are really no "rights" to discuss. His rights (and legal obligations) end when he hands the cup to the nurse. Referring to my point, I was merely indicating that in many instances, the man's rights are severely curtailed, but it seems that even in as impersonal a situation as this, the female partner's opinion is taken into consideration. I figure this to be wholly imbalanced.... that's my view. It further may help to prove to less gentlemanly male members that contrary to popular belief, I don't hate men. 2
Author crazylove Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 TM has a good point. I've never agreed with the lack of rights men have when it comes to kids, especially abortion. I'm definitely pro-choice, but I think the father's opinion should be valued more. If the mother is single, that's another thing entirely, but lets say a married couple and the father wants to keep the baby. I also think men should have more rights as far as custody. I actually am also surprised you would have these rights. I could understand it more if you're married, but it doesn't make sense in this case. If it's something you're not comfortable with, you should talk with him. I agree. I guess i'm just trying to find out the facts and gather information, before we discuss in a lot of detail. I hadn't really given it too much thought to be honest until they said they wanted to speak to me and that it could affect their decision! Seemed a bit strange to me too, and also to my partner.
GorillaTheater Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Referring to my point, I was merely indicating that in many instances, the man's rights are severely curtailed, but it seems that even in as impersonal a situation as this, the female partner's opinion is taken into consideration. I figure this to be wholly imbalanced.... that's my view. It further may help to prove to less gentlemanly male members that contrary to popular belief, I don't hate men. I understand the point you were making, it was a good analogy. And I know you don't hate men.
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I agree. I guess i'm just trying to find out the facts and gather information, before we discuss in a lot of detail. I hadn't really given it too much thought to be honest until they said they wanted to speak to me and that it could affect their decision! Seemed a bit strange to me too, and also to my partner. I know it seems daft, but their suggestion of maybe speaking to them, has served, it seems, to merely complicate matters for you. If you wouldn't have batted an eyelid before, why rock the boat, and create disquiet? What has triggered you to consider that there might be complications? I see the clinic to be "at fault" for stirring the pot here, not you..... 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I understand the point you were making, it was a good analogy. And I know you don't hate men. thanks, dreamboat. You know the score. XX
Author crazylove Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 I know it seems daft, but their suggestion of maybe speaking to them, has served, it seems, to merely complicate matters for you. If you wouldn't have batted an eyelid before, why rock the boat, and create disquiet? What has triggered you to consider that there might be complications? I see the clinic to be "at fault" for stirring the pot here, not you..... No, not daft at all....it has complicated things for me!! I guess before, It was TOTALLY his decision, and now they'Ve dragged me into it i'm actually having to give it some thought!! I'm probably overreacting to the articles i have read online about the kids not being happy, etc, Before this, I was happy that he was doing something to help couples/parents, but having looked into it more, it's not just about the parents is it? It's about the life/lives that you're bringing into the world and how they will feel as they grow up. I guess the clinic have made me feel responsible in some way too, even though I'm not really!!...I mean, we could split up in the future, and it would have nothing at all to do with me anyway, so i'm finding it hard to understand why they feel the need to speak to me now.
MuscleCarFan Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I couldn't do it myself. Just the fact that I could have sons or daughters out there I don't know about and I don't know how they are doing. I wouldn't be comfortable with that. 1
yessy21 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I wish i could donate my eggs.... I make beautifffuuullll babieeeess. 2
CptObvious Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Men, how would you feel if your wife/girlfriend wanted to be a surrogate or donate her eggs? LOLno I'd either be speaking to my lawyer or changing my locks if she's just a girlfriend.
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