th90 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I've been going back and forth doing pretty well and getting really emotional on alternate days. Last night I had a dream about my ex dating someone new and I woke up out of heartache. I can't help but to imagine how can I ever handle it when I learn about him having new girlfriend if he has not already :'( Ultimately, I gave into temptation to look on his facebook page (I did not delete/block him and don't plan to) and found out how much he is enjoying life. This really makes me upset and angry because I'm still stuck in this pile of **** that he put me through. I have a strong urge to call him and let him know that I'm still hurting so much and couldn't move on. I know how bad of an idea this is which is why I haven't called him but I don't know for how much longer can I hold back this frustration that I have. As for why I'm still keeping him as friend on facebook, it's because I ended things (after he broke up with me few days later) on a good term. I don't want to give him the idea that he can't come back for me in the future. I suck.
movingon12 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 First of all, you don't suck, you're in pain. Which everyone here can relate to. I can understand why you don't want to unfriend him, but it seems to me this is just going to cause you pain. If you don't want to actively block him, then don't - but I do think it's worth unfriending if you think you're going to slip again and look again (I know the feeling, the temptation is overwhelming at times). If he was ultimately responsible for the end of your relationship (I'm not quite clear from reading your post), then he is going to need to work to get you back. And if he looks to see that you're not technically fb friends anymore and gives up, that doesn't say much for his persistence to get you back. It should be hard to get you back, that's the point. He ended it, and he has to prove he's serious about restarting it. If you're not friends he can add/message you. If you block him, he can create a new account and add/message you. People do this when they're determined. I know you know you shouldn't call. And all I can say is: you're right. Don't call. It won't change the fact that he has moved on, all it will do is make you feel weak. When you're going through hell, keeping going.
itsmyfault Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 You don't suck. You're doing really really well, A lot better than I did. Take it from me, Talking to them gets you nowhere. All it brings is fresh memories of them, These will haunt you for at least a week. Please don't break no contact, You will regret it so much, I found I'd choke when I tried to talk to my ex, I could say stuff because I knew she didn't care. You will just feel like you are being rejected again. Delete him from Facebook, That's highly advisable. I know its difficult but please try not to hold out hope, Hope stops you moving on and being the best person you can be. Tell yourself he is dating, Tell yourself he is happier but also tell yourself that it's his loss. Stay positive, Keep Smiling and you will be fine!
Author th90 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I'm posting here because I don't want to let my temptation gets the better of me in my moment of weakness. It really helps when there are people out there to remind me of the consequences of what my action can bring me. I'm giving myself 3 months from now to delete him from facebook. I'm not ready to do that at the moment. I don't know why I prefer to let myself dwell in this mental torture because I'm going against what's best for me right now. I see myself telling him off in my thoughts but it's not helping on days when I become very emotional especially when I'm attending 3 hours lecture everyday that I can't pay attention to because my mind refuses to stop thinking about him and I'm fighting to hold my tears back as I don't wish to draw attention from anyone. I end up feeling much worse by the time the lecture is over. I'll then rush to my car and drive home crying.
oracle Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Delete him from Facebook. You don't want him coming back even if u do want that now more than anything. Trust me I know how you feel way more than you can imagine I live with my ex. And he's dating someone new. And he waited till my birthday to start sleeping at the new persons overnight. After 14yrs of being together Try that pain on for size
itsmyfault Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I feel heartbreak for you knowing its affecting your studies, Don't worry about crying, keep crying it out (stay hydrated though!). One day you will have no tears left to cry. I know why you are holding out on Facebook, I did the same with my Ex's number, just so I'd know it was her if she called or text. On Friday I finally had enough strength to delete it, I didn't "feel" anything though, I guess all I gained was more acceptance. I guess it's fine to keep him on Facebook as long as you can trust yourself not to look. Be strong and keep respecting yourself. I don't know what you are finding hardest but I found the fact I lost the person I could tell anything to the hardest, I felt so alone. Just remember you aren't alone, We will listen. Although there is some very blunt advice on here, It is all good advice.
Author th90 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Delete him from Facebook. You don't want him coming back even if u do want that now more than anything. Trust me I know how you feel way more than you can imagine I live with my ex. And he's dating someone new. And he waited till my birthday to start sleeping at the new persons overnight. After 14yrs of being together Try that pain on for size My ex told me he did soul-searching after 7 years together. God knows what he did. He confessed he made some mistakes but I was able to let pass as he realized how important I was to him and how irreplaceable I was and since he didn't actually cheated. 2 months later, he still broke up with me. Sometimes, it's easier to move on when you know they have cheated. I'm left wondering what went wrong which makes things harder because I treasure what we have went through a lot. I understand your pain was worse than mine though.
Author th90 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 I feel heartbreak for you knowing its affecting your studies, Don't worry about crying, keep crying it out (stay hydrated though!). One day you will have no tears left to cry. I know why you are holding out on Facebook, I did the same with my Ex's number, just so I'd know it was her if she called or text. On Friday I finally had enough strength to delete it, I didn't "feel" anything though, I guess all I gained was more acceptance. I guess it's fine to keep him on Facebook as long as you can trust yourself not to look. Be strong and keep respecting yourself. I don't know what you are finding hardest but I found the fact I lost the person I could tell anything to the hardest, I felt so alone. Just remember you aren't alone, We will listen. Although there is some very blunt advice on here, It is all good advice. You and I both know it's not easy to "delete" someone completely off our lives. It's rather impossible. I stay strong because what I'm going through now is nothing compared to cancer patients going through chemotherapy, children from third world countries who are starving, born with HIV and homeless. What is my pain compared to theirs? Like you, I also feel that I lost a person I could tell anything to and do anything with. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my everything and a big part of myself. I really felt a big chunk of my heart died. I appreciate everyone's advice.
itsmyfault Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Your welcome It's nice to know I can help someone who is going through what I put my Ex through, I can also offer the "other side" perspective. You're right though, Our suffering is temporary and in know way comparable to the things you listed. Honestly, That chunk missing in your heart is getting smaller each day. Muscles tear and then they repair, As will your heart and as with all muscles it will grow back stronger and bigger than before. You sound head strong and that will keep you afloat. Taking a step back is like over working a muscle, it continues to hurt and repairs a lot slower. it's the same with the heart You will get used to being alone again, It's actually kind of nice when it happens. Believe in yourself and you will find happiness again. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would be happy to listen to you and comfort you.
terlislee Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Don't contact him, he can't be the one to help you move on and heal no matter how close you used to be. I know how hard it is not to reach out, especially if he seems to be doing well compared to you, I keep slipping myself, but truth is he is the one who caused you the pain in the first place and once you're broken up he can never give you the emotional support you crave. Stay strong and definitely block him if you feel it would help you keep your thoughts off him and prevent you from checking on him - FB blocking doesn't mean you're closing door on anything in the future. You have to concentrate on yourself and yourself only now. 1
Author th90 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Your welcome It's nice to know I can help someone who is going through what I put my Ex through, I can also offer the "other side" perspective. You're right though, Our suffering is temporary and in know way comparable to the things you listed. Honestly, That chunk missing in your heart is getting smaller each day. Muscles tear and then they repair, As will your heart and as with all muscles it will grow back stronger and bigger than before. You sound head strong and that will keep you afloat. Taking a step back is like over working a muscle, it continues to hurt and repairs a lot slower. it's the same with the heart You will get used to being alone again, It's actually kind of nice when it happens. Believe in yourself and you will find happiness again. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would be happy to listen to you and comfort you. I like the way you put it Honestly, posting here always makes me feel better. I don't open up to my friends because I always like to act tough. If I had to cry I would hold it in until I'm alone. Well I will still be having the same routine for 2 years. My recovery will take longer than it should because I can't make any change to my lifestyle at the moment. It's not helping that it's the end of the year with festivities and celebrations coming up. It's the first time in 8 years that I'm going to do without him which is sad. I don't plan to see anyone or go on date in the coming 2 years. I want to be completely over him. Sometimes I think it's good that we broke up. Otherwise I wouldn't have been more appreciative of what I had until I've lost it. It's definitely a good time to learn. Just hate the fact that we are over.
itsmyfault Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I like the way you put it Honestly, posting here always makes me feel better. I don't open up to my friends because I always like to act tough. If I had to cry I would hold it in until I'm alone. Well I will still be having the same routine for 2 years. My recovery will take longer than it should because I can't make any change to my lifestyle at the moment. It's not helping that it's the end of the year with festivities and celebrations coming up. It's the first time in 8 years that I'm going to do without him which is sad. I don't plan to see anyone or go on date in the coming 2 years. I want to be completely over him. Sometimes I think it's good that we broke up. Otherwise I wouldn't have been more appreciative of what I had until I've lost it. It's definitely a good time to learn. Just hate the fact that we are over. Honestly, If I can talk to mate mate about my break up, you can too Being a Guy I have never really talked about feelings with any of my males friends, however as part of maturing over this breakup I found I was able to reach out and not be scared they would judge me, They didn't, They actually helped a huge amount. I haven't cried in like 8 years, so we weren't exactly sitting down crying but we just had chats that helped me get it out of my system. Having a shoulder to cry on doesn't make you weak, For me nothing more pulls at my heart strings than seeing a girl cry, It makes me just want to ask them if they are okay and give them a hug No matter who it's from when you are down a hug always makes you feel better. Don't be scared to turn to your friends, you might be surprised how much they will help you. In times like this friends are the thing you need most.
cavalier99 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) I like the way you put it Honestly, posting here always makes me feel better. I don't open up to my friends because I always like to act tough. If I had to cry I would hold it in until I'm alone. Well I will still be having the same routine for 2 years. My recovery will take longer than it should because I can't make any change to my lifestyle at the moment. It's not helping that it's the end of the year with festivities and celebrations coming up. It's the first time in 8 years that I'm going to do without him which is sad. I don't plan to see anyone or go on date in the coming 2 years. I want to be completely over him. Sometimes I think it's good that we broke up. Otherwise I wouldn't have been more appreciative of what I had until I've lost it. It's definitely a good time to learn. Just hate the fact that we are over. Hi terlislee. Hang in there. Im also coming off 8 year relationship. Ugh the pure pain and suffering seemed like it would never end . ....However feeling pretty good right now and recently. 2 month "PURE" NC. Read again PURE NC. No checking FB ecetera. It is all slipping into the past. Beginning to wonder what i was so messed up about. Your will heal i promise. Fk them. Even if everything ended great. Fk them anyway. WE dont need them. OK? Single is good! Im sticking with this one today. Ps i know how you feel about dating but i think you wont need to wait 2 years. Mayby 6 months? Who knows. I have hooked up with a couple girls. Last month i cried after. Last weekend it was fun! Just kissing at a bar this time (i know gross and she was bellow my standards .but didnt think of EX at all. It was weird. Not sure..am i supposed to be more miserable..confuzed lol Edited December 4, 2012 by cavalier99
Author th90 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Honestly, If I can talk to mate mate about my break up, you can too Being a Guy I have never really talked about feelings with any of my males friends, however as part of maturing over this breakup I found I was able to reach out and not be scared they would judge me, They didn't, They actually helped a huge amount. I haven't cried in like 8 years, so we weren't exactly sitting down crying but we just had chats that helped me get it out of my system. Having a shoulder to cry on doesn't make you weak, For me nothing more pulls at my heart strings than seeing a girl cry, It makes me just want to ask them if they are okay and give them a hug No matter who it's from when you are down a hug always makes you feel better. Don't be scared to turn to your friends, you might be surprised how much they will help you. In times like this friends are the thing you need most. I've talked to several of my friends when I wasn't emotional. I'm not the type of person who shows weakness. So I'll leave it at that. It's enough as long as they don't mention about my ex anymore and they see me as a very strong person. At times I will skip classes and they'd know why. The only person I resort to when I do cry is my mum. Having her in my world is enough. My mum has been through ups and downs in life, has dealt with cheating, heartbreak and whatnot. Because of that I admire her strength that came from painful experiences. She is the only person who knows my pain but I only see her on weekends so I get weak most of the time. I know crying doesn't make me weak. Breaking down is okay but I prefer to keep it with myself. I'm more of an introverted person and I feel better being alone or taking walks by myself than hanging out with friends when I'm depressed.
Author th90 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Hi terlislee. Hang in there. Im also coming off 8 year relationship. Ugh the pure pain and suffering seemed like it would never end . ....However feeling pretty good right now and recently. 2 month "PURE" NC. Read again PURE NC. No checking FB ecetera. It is all slipping into the past. Beginning to wonder what i was so messed up about. Your will heal i promise. Fk them. Even if everything ended great. Fk them anyway. WE dont need them. OK? Single is good! Im sticking with this one today. Ps i know how you feel about dating but i think you wont need to wait 2 years. Mayby 6 months? Who knows. I have hooked up with a couple girls. Last month i cried after. Last weekend it was fun! Just kissing at a bar this time (i know gross and she was bellow my standards .but didnt think of EX at all. It was weird. Not sure..am i supposed to be more miserable..confuzed lol Lol, why are you mistaking me as terlislee? So glad you are doing well though. When I say I won't date, I mean it. It's gonna take a long time for me to heal. When I'm serious about someone, I give it my all. I put in everything. I'm quite a religious person by the way. I don't believe in hooking up. Most people will find it enjoyable and is a great way to forget about their ex but whatever is temporary, is not real. I don't think it's gross that you kissed girls at bar because you are just fulfilling your desire/need/temptation or enjoying yourself but it doesn't work for me. I want to be better and make sure the next person I date is the one I'm gonna get married to. I know there is nothing we can say for sure but at least I want to think that way.
cavalier99 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Oops sorry just looked at the post before to type out the name correctly. I actually do know it is you! Sorry! We are here for you and! Im not religious but try to be spiritual. I pray for strength daily and try to be grateful for everything. I think this has been a BIG help. Come to think of it getting on my knees right now. I dont have the strength on my own but DO have the strength with help from above and this community! You will be given the strength to move on however hard, i truly believe this!
itsmyfault Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 You never know, you might find someone who makes you feel great. 2 years is a very long time!!! I still standby what I said a while back. When you are ready you should go out and get flirted with. You're clearly no ally cat so It could only do you good. By good I mean it will help get your confidence back, show you that you are still desirable to other people, you may even be surprised to find someone you click with. Use this as a thought, You say you put everything you had into the relationship, I don't for one second doubt you did but it still wasn't enough was it? I hope that doesn't make you feel bad, I'm sure everything you put in was no less than perfect. After you gave all that and he still wanted out, does he really deserve it?
oracle Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Stop asking the why questions. You are just chasing your tail. It is what it is Lots of things in life work out that way My ex told me he did soul-searching after 7 years together. God knows what he did. He confessed he made some mistakes but I was able to let pass as he realized how important I was to him and how irreplaceable I was and since he didn't actually cheated. 2 months later, he still broke up with me. Sometimes, it's easier to move on when you know they have cheated. I'm left wondering what went wrong which makes things harder because I treasure what we have went through a lot. I understand your pain was worse than mine though.
Treasa Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I actually have no problems deleting, blocking and bitch slapping anyone once I finally realize that I want them but they don't want me. Trust me, you don't want this guy coming back. Do you really want to feel like a second choice all your life? He isn't making you miserable. You are. You need to find your own happiness. Read the book "Go Suck a Lemon: Improving Your Emotional Intelligence". It's something along those lines. It was very helpful to me and a very quick read.
Author th90 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Thanks for all the replies! You people are right. I just can't see it because I'm dwelling in it. I know I will get through it. I know he doesn't deserve my heart anymore the moment he walked out on me. I just need time. Today marks exactly 1 month of our break up, 3 weeks NC. Surprisingly I felt good today, really good in fact. It was just yesterday that I felt like I was bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. Erm, mood swings. lol
cavalier99 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Yeah tell me about it. Mood swings. Ugh. Some days im great other days/moments im like WTF happened..i thought i was doing great. Glad you day is good. Im going to start my own day with a quick prayer and gratitude list in my brain!
itsmyfault Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 That's good! Honestly I haven't felt as good as I do now in ages. All because of NC. it really does work! It will get better, you will have less down days, I don't think I have any. I know someone else is living the life I had. 3 weeks ago the put a lump in my throat, now it just shrug and go meh. I've got so many plans for the next year I'm not going to have time to think about her. As Lin as you make the most out of your life and live each day to the full you will be happy, who cares if your ex is, that's down to them
Author th90 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Yeah tell me about it. Mood swings. Ugh. Some days im great other days/moments im like WTF happened..i thought i was doing great. Glad you day is good. Im going to start my own day with a quick prayer and gratitude list in my brain! Quick prayer Gratitude list Got it!
Author th90 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 That's good! Honestly I haven't felt as good as I do now in ages. All because of NC. it really does work! It will get better, you will have less down days, I don't think I have any. I know someone else is living the life I had. 3 weeks ago the put a lump in my throat, now it just shrug and go meh. I've got so many plans for the next year I'm not going to have time to think about her. As Lin as you make the most out of your life and live each day to the full you will be happy, who cares if your ex is, that's down to them NC is the best way to get over. I start telling myself he can't get anyone better than me. It's his loss. It makes me feel better and bad at the same time. Better because it's comforting, bad because I actually want him to have the best of everything in life.
itsmyfault Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Keep with those thoughts! Unfortunately he has decided you aren't the best for him. I'd say its nothing against how great you were, just that something was missing. By no means should you have had to change for it. There will be someone out there for you who will love what you bring to Ye relationship. This is how I try and deal with caring for my ex, I will always hope she is doing well and is happy, but it's not my place to check up on her or to help her have a better life.
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