xxoo Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Why would any guy want a "difficult" woman?!?!? I don't understand this; could someone PLEASE enlighten me ? Like I said earlier, I've noticed that smart men really enjoy banter with sharp wit. They enjoy that challenge of keeping up, getting in the next zing, anticipating what might be said next, and typically love it when it is loaded with double entendre. You don't have to be an extrovert to enjoy that kind of social interaction, but timid won't work. The key is smart, witty, and bold--not bitchy and cold.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 I wouldn't say that I lack "fire". Just ask my ex who thought I had too much fire. It's just that, the fire is not so in your face that it's obvious from the first meeting or at a party. It's only apparent when you get to know me better. And some men don't give me that chance. I am also not deathly shy. But like MC said, I don't pick up all social slack and thus some more shy men may feel uncomfortable with me. Manic pixie can put the shyest man at easy because she will do all the initiating/talking and he will mistake that for a "connection". No, I don't want to watch romantic comedies and model my behavior on female leads. I really dislike those types so much that when I see a man drawn to that, it makes me see him in a different light and I lose interest. I just want a man who will genuinely like me for who I really am and not some phony act that I need to perform to reel him in. 1
sweetjasmine Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I wouldn't say that I lack "fire". Just ask my ex who thought I had too much fire. It's just that, the fire is not so in your face that it's obvious from the first meeting or at a party. It's only apparent when you get to know me better. And some men don't give me that chance. I'm the same way. It can be tricky to get people to give you a chance. I am also not deathly shy. But like MC said, I don't pick up all social slack and thus some more shy men may feel uncomfortable with me. Manic pixie can put the shyest man at easy because she will do all the initiating/talking and he will mistake that for a "connection". Same. I don't mind the occasional short lull in conversation or a relaxed pace, but that sort of thing makes some people a little uncomfortable. I think you're right that million-words-a-minute talkers can put shy people at ease by shouldering the burden of carrying the entire conversation. Although some might mistake that for a connection, I think there are shy people out there who see it for what it is. The trick is figuring out how to get another shy person to come out of their shell a little bit, but you have to crawl out of yours for that to happen... 1
iris219 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I'm the same way. It can be tricky to get people to give you a chance. Same. I don't mind the occasional short lull in conversation or a relaxed pace, but that sort of thing makes some people a little uncomfortable. I think you're right that million-words-a-minute talkers can put shy people at ease by shouldering the burden of carrying the entire conversation. Although some might mistake that for a connection, I think there are shy people out there who see it for what it is. The trick is figuring out how to get another shy person to come out of their shell a little bit, but you have to crawl out of yours for that to happen... I think some see through it as well, at least women do. I'm not shy, but I can be quiet at times and I HATE people who talk nonstop. I've never met one who actually talked about anything of substance; I mean, who could have meaningful converation nonstop? I have a friend like this who I will now only go see movies with. The last time I got a drink with him he started telling me nonstop anecdotes starting from when he was toddler. He got to the college stories when I interrupted and said I had to go. I wanted to shoot myself. I have so much respect for people who have a sense of quiet and who value thoughtful consideration. When I'm around people with overbearing personalities, I retreat into myself because I'm so annoyed, worn out, and bored. Very dominant, loud, outgoing personalities make me sleepy (like when a baby is over stimulated). I avoid these sorts of people. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Don't overlook the fact that there are other female archetypes portrayed in popular movies, too. You probably won't find Angelina Jolie playing a manic pixie. 1
Under The Radar Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Like I said earlier, I've noticed that smart men really enjoy banter with sharp wit. They enjoy that challenge of keeping up, getting in the next zing, anticipating what might be said next, and typically love it when it is loaded with double entendre. You don't have to be an extrovert to enjoy that kind of social interaction, but timid won't work. The key is smart, witty, and bold--not bitchy and cold. Ahhhh, now I see where you are coming from. I completely agree with "smart, witty, and bold"; that is sexy as hell. See, to me, "bitchy and cold" is what comes to mind when the description of "difficult" arises. So, when some of the guys were citing "difficult" woman as a turn on, I was thinking WTF ? Although, there does seem to be a faction of men that enjoy dating cold bitches ... as long as she's "Hot". However, that discussion should be saved for another day on another thread. Somehow, I think the title of that one will include the word MASOCHISM. 1
somedude81 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Have you ever noticed how in most romantic comedies the girl who the guy has a huge crush on(and ends up getting with) all basically have the same personality type? Most of those movies are written by men, which basically seems like that's the "dream personality" guys go for. Yeah, this relates back to me since I feel like my personality is holding me back more than my looks. Those girls are: 1. Extremely outgoing and extroverted to the point of being manic 2. Leaders, female "alphas" 3. Wild and completely uninhibited 4. Impulsive with a touch of crazy 5. Emotionally detached, cold and aloof 6. Not "nice"or "sweet" by any means 7. Like to sleep around 8. Are into drugs and/or heavy drinking 9. Don't seem to give a f... about the male lead, till the very end I feel like I don't have a chance in hell to get a guy to be truly into me, past just wanting to have sex. I am somewhat shy, introverted, not that chatty, emotionally warm, sweet, sensitive, caring, somewhat passive and probably too intense. If I really like a guy, I am even more shy and nervous around him and he is typically really turned off by that and doesn't even give me a chance. My type of guy is pretty much the male version of myself. Those guys without fail ALL dream of girls with personalities like romantic female leads and often say stuff like "I only go for girls that are really bad for me"... I have had this happen so many times in my life that it's no coincidence. The problem is, I love my personality (well my core personality) - which guys just don't seem to value or appreciate. I don't want to change and become something I hate just to get a guy. Sorry for the rant....any thoughts? Lower your standards.
ascendotum Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) You are the female version of me so don't worry. There are men looking for women like yourself. Ah, but would you be her type, that's the other side of the equation. ES has no shortage of interest (of course its only superficial initially) from guys, but are the guys that think she's cool the same that turn her on. Like one guy here who is introverted who likes outgoing girls so they can bring him out of his shell. I've known so many introverted girls who have said they want out-going confident guys so they can bring them out of their shell. Also one person's definition of 'passive & boring' is anothers 'sweet & easy going'. One person's 'intense' is anothers 'moody' or 'aloof'. Edited December 4, 2012 by ascendotum 1
Under The Radar Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) I think some see through it as well, at least women do. I'm not shy, but I can be quiet at times and I HATE people who talk nonstop. I've never met one who actually talked about anything of substance; I mean, who could have meaningful converation nonstop? I have a friend like this who I will now only go see movies with. The last time I got a drink with him he started telling me nonstop anecdotes starting from when he was toddler. He got to the college stories when I interrupted and said I had to go. I wanted to shoot myself. I have so much respect for people who have a sense of quiet and who value thoughtful consideration. When I'm around people with overbearing personalities, I retreat into myself because I'm so annoyed, worn out, and bored. Very dominant, loud, outgoing personalities make me sleepy (like when a baby is over stimulated). I avoid these sorts of people. I agree with a lot of this. I am not shy, but when people don't know me I can come across as quiet, brooding, and intense. However, at other times I'm quite animated, goofy, and silly. People who know me, see the many different sides of my personality, and (usually) appreciate it. People in general like to place individuals in these nice, neat, little categories and label them. The monumental problem with this is the capacity for human complexity. Simply put, people are multi-faceted. Sometimes people will mistake my silence for anger when in fact I'm just introspective, observing, or plain ol' tired. Many arguments in my last relationship occured for this very reason. It's nice to be able to be quiet and reserved at times without the expectation to talk. I chalk the problems associated with this to more than incompatibility. I believe that friction can occur with a quiet partner because the other person gets insecure and projects a problem (that doesn't exist) when there is silence. BTW, I can't stand people that constantly feel the need to talk as well. Edited December 4, 2012 by Training Revelations 1
SJC2008 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I haven't see a whole lot of romantic comedies so I don't know how accurate your assesment is. My favorite RC is "There's Something About Mary". They did a great job of showing all sides of her personality, which I guess was the point, to show how so many men fell for her. She's very nice, almost over the top nice. She was a volunteer for disabled people. She was strong, she dumped Brett for what he said about Warren. She was funny and she was very pretty (the icing on the cake!). So yes they painted her as the perfect woman IMO or at least perfect to me. A stong, sincere, nuturing woman, who is human and can be vulnerable. So yes there was really something about Mary lol!
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 I agree with a lot of this. I am not shy, but when people don't know me I can come across as quiet, brooding, and intense. However, at other times I'm quite animated, goofy, and silly. People who know me, see the many different sides of my personality, and (usually) appreciate it. People in general like to place individuals in these nice, neat, little categories and label them. The monumental problem with this is the capacity for human complexity. Simply put, people are multi-faceted. Sometimes people will mistake my silence for anger when in fact I'm just introspective, observing, or plain ol' tired. Many arguments in my last relationship occured for this very reason. It's nice to be able to be quiet and reserved at times without the expectation to talk. I chalk the problems associated with this to more than incompatibility. I believe that friction can occur with a quiet partner because the other person gets insecure and projects a problem (that doesn't exist) when there is silence. BTW, I can't stand people that constantly feel the need to talk as well. In my last relationship too. Once we lived together, I needed time to be quiet and just BE. My ex thought that we needed constant chatter which really drained me. He would start arguments about how I don't communicate and he can't be with someone that at any point just prefers to sit in silence....he never understood when I tried to explain
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 I haven't see a whole lot of romantic comedies so I don't know how accurate your assesment is. My favorite RC is "There's Something About Mary". They did a great job of showing all sides of her personality, which I guess was the point, to show how so many men fell for her. She's very nice, almost over the top nice. She was a volunteer for disabled people. She was strong, she dumped Brett for what he said about Warren. She was funny and she was very pretty (the icing on the cake!). So yes they painted her as the perfect woman IMO or at least perfect to me. A stong, sincere, nuturing woman, who is human and can be vulnerable. So yes there was really something about Mary lol! I liked Mary. She was certainly not manic pixie though - although still pretty outgoing and bubbly.
Tara247 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 ES, be yourself. Don't ever be anything else. As far as this universal type you're talking about that men are attracted to, I'm not sure I'm seeing it. I think that more than likely men like women who keep them guessing a bit. Perhaps that is the element in the personality type you are describing. Me, I'm all over the place in the personality dept., so I don't have a problem with being cast as a certain personality. Basically though, I'm introverted, and don't like big crowds. I like people, but I'm not a social butterfly. I would have a problem dating a man that was.
Under The Radar Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 In my last relationship too. Once we lived together, I needed time to be quiet and just BE. My ex thought that we needed constant chatter which really drained me. He would start arguments about how I don't communicate and he can't be with someone that at any point just prefers to sit in silence....he never understood when I tried to explain Yeah, that's sucks . Obviously, moving forward, any future partner would HAVE to both understand and respect that aspect of your personality. It's clear to me that's one of the reasons FWB's appeals to you so much: Fear of being smothered and misunderstood (in an exclusive LTR). As mentioned in my previous post, to me, that problem goes beyond simple incompatibilities. For someone to behave in that manner (especially if you have explained your "quietness" to them) really speaks of THEIR insecurities. A partner who feels the need to constantly be reassured and coddled would exhaust anyone. It's quite unfortunate for all parties involved. You should be judged on your actions - not how often you choose to speak. You would definitely need to voice your need for "silence and alone time" early on in the courting process. That way, if it's a dealbreaker for either one of you, the facts are known rather quickly. Don't worry, I am sure there are many men who meet "your type" that would accept your need for space. The key would be a combination of patience and honesty (both with yourself and a prospective mate) . 2
suladas Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Sounds so familiar. A quiet girl is the best. I'm not always shy, I mean if you met me at work a lot of days you'd never guess. But around women, I am extremely quiet when I get nervous and like them, it takes a while to get comfortable and open up. I can hold a conversation just fine but I hate non stop talking to, especially if it's just about nothing. But I think it's a double standard, if a girl is quiet it's cute, for a guy a lot of times not so much. Men are expected to take the lead, i'm ok with it some of the time but I don't always want to. A pause in the conversation can be awkward, but the funny thing was with my ex it never was, even on the first date. Just a time to look into each others eyes and that says enough alone Any other date, ya it's kind of awkward. I can't stand people who want to be the center of attention. I would take a quiet night at home with someone over going out with tons of people. However when it comes to sex, I want someone who's a bit wild and open there, as I am even if it takes a while to get there. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Sounds so familiar. A quiet girl is the best. I'm not always shy, I mean if you met me at work a lot of days you'd never guess. But around women, I am extremely quiet when I get nervous and like them, it takes a while to get comfortable and open up. I can hold a conversation just fine but I hate non stop talking to, especially if it's just about nothing. But I think it's a double standard, if a girl is quiet it's cute, for a guy a lot of times not so much. Men are expected to take the lead, i'm ok with it some of the time but I don't always want to. A pause in the conversation can be awkward, but the funny thing was with my ex it never was, even on the first date. Just a time to look into each others eyes and that says enough alone Any other date, ya it's kind of awkward. I can't stand people who want to be the center of attention. I would take a quiet night at home with someone over going out with tons of people. However when it comes to sex, I want someone who's a bit wild and open there, as I am even if it takes a while to get there. You sound like my ideal man 1
suladas Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 You sound like my ideal man I was thinking the same thing when I read your post Shy people meeting shy people is so tough though.
somedude81 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I was thinking the same thing when I read your post Shy people meeting shy people is so tough though. Too bad she wouldn't give you a chance because of your appearance if you met in person. Oh well.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Too bad she wouldn't give you a chance because of your appearance if you met in person. Oh well. Somedude, my standards when it comes to appearance are pretty low. Now go and be bitter somewhere else 4
suladas Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Somedude, my standards when it comes to appearance are pretty low. Now go and be bitter somewhere else Haha nice And Somedude, i'm pretty comfortable with my looks, I mean I even have a pic in my profile I have nothing to hide. I know i'm not gods gift to women or anything but I have done ok
MikeyBe Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I hope you see the irony in your thought. What is every guy who isn't a shy/introverted/dark male version of yourself supposed to do? Feel bad because they're not your type?
kaylan Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 No offense... when I read your posts and I have been for a long time... I agree with all these values being you ES... the only thing im not sure of is #8 Kinda agree. That being said, I kind of shrug whenever I hear of your dating trouble now. Ive followed your posts a good bit OP, and you seem to be too picky for your own good. The kind of picky where you look for reasons to X a guy off your list, meanwhile the few guys you have seemed to really like, have had nothing going for them or werent that much into you to begin with. Tbh, nowadays I see your threads and think "she is why shes still single". I dont know you in real life, but based on your posting history, all that stuff about being emotionally warm, sweet and sensitive, is not how you come off to me. 2
somedude81 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Haha nice And Somedude, i'm pretty comfortable with my looks, I mean I even have a pic in my profile I have nothing to hide. I know i'm not gods gift to women or anything but I have done ok Nope, sorry guy. She only goes out with guys like this though it's always more of a FWB type thing. Because she isn't those guys real type.
iris219 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Nope, sorry guy. She only goes out with guys like this though it's always more of a FWB type thing. Because she isn't those guys real type. I don't get this impression of ES at all. Didn't she say the last guy she liked was short and had thinning hair? She has always struck me as someone who's looking for a strong emotional connection and amazing chemistry, not model looks. 3
SmileFace Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Nope, sorry guy. She only goes out with guys like this though it's always more of a FWB type thing. Because she isn't those guys real type. I don't agree. However I just think she doesn't have a clue about what she actually wants. She jumps from one extreme to the next. You dcan't really find something when you don't know what you are looking for.
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