Have I given up?

[Illyana]

My ex who broke up with me. He didn't want a relationship at the time because of his depression and all of the stress in his life. However, he is still doing the exact same things he does when we were together so I really don't get it. For the past two nights he has called me telling me he loves me. The first night he was really wasted and the second night he was on a scale of 5 out of 10, so remember some but not everything. He suffers from severe depression and last night he calls me begging me to come over because he didn't want to be alone. I was firm and said I didn't want to because for the past four days, he hasn't been treating me with the respect I deserve and I refuse to settle for less. He started crying, which I have never heard him do like this. It was about how no one cared about him anymore and I was the only one and he ruined it with me. He kept saying he still loves me but accused me of not caring and not liking him anymore which he blamed himself for. I told him if he had enough respect, he would call me during the day and not at two in the morning knowing I have to go to work. Well then his tone got very serious and he was threatening to kill himself but not in direct words so I was extremely worried. I called his mom and told her but she was too wasted and basically said he might really need you right now. When I needed him, when he broke MY heart, he wouldn't take my calls. The only reason I answered is because I was asleep and the phone rang so I answered without looking at the number.

 

I feel bad for him because I know I am the only one who does care about him and the friends he does have are all losers who want to see him fail with the exception of the two he hardly sees. So what do I do? Go over there but he was asleep when I got there which I was thankful for so I went back home. I went to see him today because I had to give his mom something and I wanted to make sure he was okay. He wouldn't even talk about it. When I saw him today though I didn't feel like I usually do. I wasn't excited or felt happy. I just wanted to leave and being around him just made me mad and sad. It only made me think about how he has been treating me these past four days and how I deserve better. I tried to talk to him and explain how I was feeling but he was halfway awake so he got mad and told me he didn't want to talk right now. I did get in part of the message which is I don't trust him anymore. He was instantly angry and said if you are just going to call me a liar then get out. In anger, I told him not to contact me anymore, drunk or sober, and I wanted him out of my life forever. Before I was so caught up in wanting him back but lately I've seen how much he took me for granted. His attitude lately is making me resent him and not want him in my life even as a friend. I know I can walk away and I can find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. So, why am I feeling mixed emotions towards it and hesitate when I say it? Yesterday, before his drunken suicidal call, I told him he has lost the only person who cares about him and I would never take him back.

 

He keeps apologizing for the things he says to me but he apologized when we were together. I don't want an apology. I want change and if he doesn't want to change himself, he never is going to and his treatment will continuously make me resent him until I pull away forever. I told him he was pushing me away fast and if he keeps it up, he is going to lose me forever. Right now though I just want to pull away and be left alone. I don't know if it is to prove to myself that if he cared, he would do something about it or if I really just want to run from this situation and run because I am finally having the courage to express what I deserve and I am not getting it. Maybe I finally have given up on the relationship for good. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. We were together for four years and I wanted it all but I know I can't keep living like this either.

 

P.s. What bothers me is a few nights ago when he was drunk, the first time he called, he was telling all of his friends how he was the bad guy in our relationship and took me for granted. Why can't he tell me these things?

Edited December 4, 2012 by Illyana