Is it normal for guys to make his girlfriend the "only source of his happiness"?

December 4, 2012

Fortunately, my relationship isn't as exhaustive as the others listed, at least yet, as I definitely could not have held on for a year if it was to that level. And as far as the "she's way hotter," I'm told I'm pretty, but he's not unattractive by any means either.

And I've brought it up a bit to the extent that I've told him I'm not like that, but I do need to broach the subject again. I'm just not sure how...especially with two weeks of finals coming up next week, seems like bad timing.

By the way, I appreciate the help everyone!

December 4, 2012

This is the type of thread that makes me feel content being single . I'm a guy, but regardless of gender, I feel really bad for "clingy" types with no source of pleasure, fun or enjoyment besides their significant other. It's not too dissimilar from someone without hobbies, excitement, or simply positive change/progress in their life smoking weed all day (not bashin dank particularly, I had my stoner years). Or being a "workaholic" in a undeniably uninteresting, personally unfulfilling job cause you're afraid to be alone with your own mind for fear you'll have to confront the truth that your life lacks true pleasure.

Not only should your boyfriend be spending time with his friends, he should have other sh*t going on and other sh*t he likes to do for personal satisfaction.

I won't say "you can't depend on other people for your own happiness", because how many in this day and age would honestly feel content and joyful living isolated from all human contact... My relationships - friends, family, and any real lover I might have - are more important to me than anything, as a whole. But I'd still have to leave a girlfriend who insisted on taking too much time away from my creative endeavors or personal time as a condition of the relationship.

I know what it's like to want to spend every waking hour with someone, and early in a relationship, that can be unavoidable, fine, and incredible. But, if your current guy is making it clear to you that he feels a relationship should work that way, from there on out, into marriage and so on, you have to be on the same page or it's not gonna work out well.

December 4, 2012

In the beginning stages, it might just seem a little puzzling, a little bit different from how you do things. Over time however, it will likely wear on you, you'll grow to resent it, and you will probably lose respect for him.

Think about it in the general sense. Do you feel it's important that people have hobbies, interests, and meaningful connections with friends and family? Do you think it's a reflection on a person's character and what does it say about them?

It's important that your values align in order to have a solid relationship.

This. Especially the center paragraph...

December 4, 2012

Jesus. I've been married 29 years, largely because we're not "the only source" of one another's happiness.

Sometimes, we're barely a sliver of one another's happiness.

December 4, 2012

It's not normal.

But it isn't necessarily bad, as long as:

- He doesn't get jealous or resentful when you DO need to go out with friends or do something without him

and

- You are able to really understand that you are NOT responsible for his happiness. That doesn't mean you don't try to make him happy, but it means you don't do it to the point that it zaps your own energy, and it means that you don't feel guilty if he's unhappy.

December 4, 2012

I'm waiting on some sh*t at work so Im gonna lay out my fictional idea of a normal week for a couple. Post-honeymoon phase and pre-boredom/routine. Both work 9-5 mon-fri say.

Monday: Both go to work. Girl gets coffee with a friend after, is home at 7 to have make an easy dinner with guy, who's been working on his, say, art. They eat then snuggle watching a movie or reading.

Tues: Both work. Guy goes to gym after, gets home at 7. Girls been hanging out having some personal time. They order some takeout, eat it, girl swings by her friends house to watch the tv show guy doesn't like.

Weds: Both work. Both get home soon after. Hang out for a while, before guy goes out for a beer with some mates. Girl hangs out, plays her guitar, eats something. Guy comes home, they talk/snuggle for a while then go to bed.

Thurs: Both work. Both come home. Both work on their personal ****- him art, her music. They make dinner, watch a movie, go to bed.

Fri: Both work. Both go to gym after work. Girl gets din with friends before hangin out/having drinks back at friends house. Guy hangs at home relaxing then goes to his friends house for beers with the boys. They both get home later, f*ck, go to bed.

Sat: They get breakfast together. She goes to hang out with her mom to do xmas shopping. He goes on a hike with some buddies. They each get home, casually hang with eachother, work on their art/music until the evening. Then they f*ck, get ready to go out, meet a group of mutual friends at the bar/club, laugh and have a great time, go home. Maybe f*ck again.

Sun: Wake up and lay around in bed together. Go to a movie in the afternoon. Guy goes and smokes a joint with a friend in the evening while girl relaxes, plays music. They snuggle, go to bed.

That seems pretty reasonable, right ? Think I kind of erred on the lots of time together side myself

December 4, 2012

Sounds good, but instead of ****ing twice on Saturday, can we move one of those to Wednesday ?

December 4, 2012

I'm waiting on some sh*t at work so Im gonna lay out my fictional idea of a normal week for a couple. Post-honeymoon phase and pre-boredom/routine. Both work 9-5 mon-fri say.

Monday: Both go to work. Girl gets coffee with a friend after, is home at 7 to have make an easy dinner with guy, who's been working on his, say, art. They eat then snuggle watching a movie or reading.

Tues: Both work. Guy goes to gym after, gets home at 7. Girls been hanging out having some personal time. They order some takeout, eat it, girl swings by her friends house to watch the tv show guy doesn't like.

Weds: Both work. Both get home soon after. Hang out for a while, before guy goes out for a beer with some mates. Girl hangs out, plays her guitar, eats something. Guy comes home, they talk/snuggle for a while then go to bed.

Thurs: Both work. Both come home. Both work on their personal ****- him art, her music. They make dinner, watch a movie, go to bed.

Fri: Both work. Both go to gym after work. Girl gets din with friends before hangin out/having drinks back at friends house. Guy hangs at home relaxing then goes to his friends house for beers with the boys. They both get home later, f*ck, go to bed.

Sat: They get breakfast together. She goes to hang out with her mom to do xmas shopping. He goes on a hike with some buddies. They each get home, casually hang with eachother, work on their art/music until the evening. Then they f*ck, get ready to go out, meet a group of mutual friends at the bar/club, laugh and have a great time, go home. Maybe f*ck again.

Sun: Wake up and lay around in bed together. Go to a movie in the afternoon. Guy goes and smokes a joint with a friend in the evening while girl relaxes, plays music. They snuggle, go to bed.

That seems pretty reasonable, right ? Think I kind of erred on the lots of time together side myself

This actually sounds really, really awesome.

Maybe we could share a joint before the sunday movie though.

I've been in relationships where the guy just doesn't do anything. Maybe once a month he'll have beers with his friends. The other 29 days of the month he sits at home watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the net.

Now that I think about it, this has become my #1 dealbreaker. I don't even care if he lets me have my own hobbies and do my own thing...he has to as well. Attraction just detereorates when your man is nearly ALWAYS home and NEVER doing anything productive.

December 4, 2012

I've been in relationships where the guy just doesn't do anything. Maybe once a month he'll have beers with his friends. The other 29 days of the month he sits at home watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the net.

Now that I think about it, this has become my #1 dealbreaker. I don't even care if he lets me have my own hobbies and do my own thing...he has to as well. Attraction just detereorates when your man is nearly ALWAYS home and NEVER doing anything productive.

Agreed...minus the part I deleted, as I don't smoke weed. I feel like life gets boring if they don't "bring anything new" into the relationship sort of thing. Not in a literal sense, so much as figurative, as he's evolving in any way, shape, or form.

December 4, 2012

I'm waiting on some sh*t at work so Im gonna lay out my fictional idea of a normal week for a couple. Post-honeymoon phase and pre-boredom/routine. Both work 9-5 mon-fri say.

Monday: Both go to work. Girl gets coffee with a friend after, is home at 7 to have make an easy dinner with guy, who's been working on his, say, art. They eat then snuggle watching a movie or reading.

Tues: Both work. Guy goes to gym after, gets home at 7. Girls been hanging out having some personal time. They order some takeout, eat it, girl swings by her friends house to watch the tv show guy doesn't like.

Weds: Both work. Both get home soon after. Hang out for a while, before guy goes out for a beer with some mates. Girl hangs out, plays her guitar, eats something. Guy comes home, they talk/snuggle for a while then go to bed.

Thurs: Both work. Both come home. Both work on their personal ****- him art, her music. They make dinner, watch a movie, go to bed.

Fri: Both work. Both go to gym after work. Girl gets din with friends before hangin out/having drinks back at friends house. Guy hangs at home relaxing then goes to his friends house for beers with the boys. They both get home later, f*ck, go to bed.

Sat: They get breakfast together. She goes to hang out with her mom to do xmas shopping. He goes on a hike with some buddies. They each get home, casually hang with eachother, work on their art/music until the evening. Then they f*ck, get ready to go out, meet a group of mutual friends at the bar/club, laugh and have a great time, go home. Maybe f*ck again.

Sun: Wake up and lay around in bed together. Go to a movie in the afternoon. Guy goes and smokes a joint with a friend in the evening while girl relaxes, plays music. They snuggle, go to bed.

That seems pretty reasonable, right ? Think I kind of erred on the lots of time together side myself

Haha I like the breakdown! Although hard when you're not living together... But it does sound pretty good.

December 4, 2012

A lot of men don't have other venues for happiness outlets. Point to me where there is a man doing something no other man has done? Exactly, there are few and finding one like that is not likely.

What about sports? Or video games? Or art, music, reading, working out, just hanging out with his buddies once in awhile? Unless I'm reading this wrong (which is very possible), I'm not asking for something new, just another enjoyment in life.

December 4, 2012

I've been in relationships where the guy just doesn't do anything. Maybe once a month he'll have beers with his friends. The other 29 days of the month he sits at home watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the net.

Now that I think about it, this has become my #1 dealbreaker. I don't even care if he lets me have my own hobbies and do my own thing...he has to as well. Attraction just detereorates when your man is nearly ALWAYS home and NEVER doing anything productive.

Huh?

You dating somebody unemployed? If not, working seems pretty productive to me.

He wants to send the rest of the day at home? Big deal. How is going to a bar with his friends more "productive" then playing a videogame?

December 4, 2012

This actually sounds really, really awesome.

Maybe we could share a joint before the sunday movie though.

I've been in relationships where the guy just doesn't do anything. Maybe once a month he'll have beers with his friends. The other 29 days of the month he sits at home watching TV, playing video games, or surfing the net.

Now that I think about it, this has become my #1 dealbreaker. I don't even care if he lets me have my own hobbies and do my own thing...he has to as well. Attraction just detereorates when your man is nearly ALWAYS home and NEVER doing anything productive.

Sure, but *you* were the one who put up with this and stayed with these guys, even if only for only a few months or so. Out of curiosity, why? I am asking because you're not the only one--many women who have a lot going for them, and who attract plenty of guys, seem to end up with losers.

To answer the OP's question, I have no idea how "normal" it is, but it definitely isn't healthy.

Edited December 4, 2012 by Imajerk17

December 5, 2012

Huh?

You dating somebody unemployed? If not, working seems pretty productive to me.

He wants to send the rest of the day at home? Big deal. How is going to a bar with his friends more "productive" then playing a videogame?

How big a deal it is depends on what you value. Your big deal or not so big deal will be completely different from someone else's.

If she values friendships highly, then absolutely she will see going to a bar with friends as more productive than playing a videogame.

Economics101, everybody. Everything has utility. How much you assign to something in particular is a personal choice dependent on your values.

OP, it will shed a lot of light on the situation if you can answer how much you value hobbies, personal interests and their level of engagement/effort required, relationships with friends and family, etc. Therein lies your answer.

December 5, 2012

How big a deal it is depends on what you value. Your big deal or not so big deal will be completely different from someone else's.

If she values friendships highly, then absolutely she will see going to a bar with friends as more productive than playing a videogame.

Economics101, everybody. Everything has utility. How much you assign to something in particular is a personal choice dependent on your values.

OP, it will shed a lot of light on the situation if you can answer how much you value hobbies, personal interests and their level of engagement/effort required, relationships with friends and family, etc. Therein lies your answer.

Great point ...

Economics 101

Kinda like the opportunity cost of logging onto LoveShack .

December 5, 2012

How big a deal it is depends on what you value. Your big deal or not so big deal will be completely different from someone else's.

If she values friendships highly, then absolutely she will see going to a bar with friends as more productive than playing a videogame.

Economics101, everybody. Everything has utility. How much you assign to something in particular is a personal choice dependent on your values.

That just sounds so retarded.

Lets pretend.

I'm at home playing a video game. I got off work about an hour ago. Girlfriend comes up to me,

"Why don't you go out with some friends instead of playing that stupid game."

"I don't want to"

"You're not doing anything productive" nag nag nag

"Fine I'll call "Bob" and hang out with him."

I go out, catch a movie by myself.

Few hours later "Did you have fun with Bob?"

"Yeah sure."

"What did you guys do?"

December 5, 2012

If it's only 2 months in, I can see a lot of time together. I can't think of many friends who don't disappear when they get a new girlfriend, pretty much everyone does for a while, then after a bit gets a balance.

In some ways I was a bit clingy with my ex, but it wasn't everyday together it was 1-2 nights a week most of the time and I definitely could of went for more time together then that. I don't hang out with friends a ton, maybe every 2 weeks or so. I have a few hobbies. But most nights after work I just hang out at home, especially because I usually work 10 hour days, don't always feel like going to the gym or anything. So spending time with the gf a lot of nights during the week would be good to me. But I also like some nights alone.

How many days a week are you talking together? I think everyones is different. If it's everyday and all the time outside of work, that is weird.

December 5, 2012

That just sounds so retarded.

Lets pretend.

I'm at home playing a video game. I got off work about an hour ago. Girlfriend comes up to me,
"Why don't you go out with some friends instead of playing that stupid game."
"I don't want to"
"You're not doing anything productive" nag nag nag
"Fine I'll call "Bob" and hang out with him."

I go out, catch a movie by myself.

Few hours later "Did you have fun with Bob?"
"Yeah sure."
"What did you guys do?"

How does this sound?

#1

"I just went to this great restaurant with *blank*". Cue talking for 10 minutes and sharing amusing anecdotes. "What did you do today?"

"Played Call of Duty."

#2

"The art exhibit I went to with *blank* was amazing!" Cue 15 minutes of describing the works of your favourite landscapist. "What did you do today?"

"Watched 5 hrs of Breaking Bad. Took a nap."

#3

"I really upped my last full marathon times from my last. This new program, blah blah details, is really improving my endurance."

"Call of Duty was fun."

December 5, 2012

How does this sound?

#1
"I just went to this great restaurant with *blank*". Cue talking for 10 minutes and sharing amusing anecdotes. "What did you do today?"

"Played Call of Duty."

And then talk for 15 minutes about how the matches went the other gamers and so on.

(Granted I don't play CoD)

#2
"The art exhibit I went to with *blank* was amazing!" Cue 15 minutes of describing the works of your favourite landscapist. "What did you do today?"

"Watched 5 hrs of Breaking Bad. Took a nap."

I then describe to her the wonders of sleeping for the next 40 minutes.

#3
"I really upped my last full marathon times from my last. This new program, blah blah details, is really improving my endurance."

"Call of Duty was fun."

BTW, we were talking about going out with friends right?

Just because I don't hang out with buddies doesn't mean that I never get out of my apartment.

December 5, 2012

It's not about buddies necessarily, so much as having ANYTHING else that brings you happiness in some way, that you like and enjoy, in addition to seeing and spending time with a significant other, but not merely because you want that activity to take your mind off of the fact that you're not with the other person. Not having the only happy activity you prefer to do to be the other person.

December 5, 2012

And then talk for 15 minutes about how the matches went the other gamers and so on.

(Granted I don't play CoD)

I then describe to her the wonders of sleeping for the next 40 minutes.

BTW, we were talking about going out with friends right?

Just because I don't hang out with buddies doesn't mean that I never get out of my apartment.

How much can you talk about videogames with someone who doesn't play them before their eyes glaze over? And before you say that maybe the gamer wouldn't be interested in the museum or the new boulangerie either, yes that's true and that's where a difference in values and interests will take you, loss of interest and attraction in each other.

Well we were talking about friends and interests and hobbies. So if you don't see value in whatever your partner's pursuits are, then you are unlikely to find value in the partner themselves.

December 5, 2012

It's not about buddies necessarily, so much as having ANYTHING else that brings you happiness in some way, that you like and enjoy, in addition to seeing and spending time with a significant other, but not merely because you want that activity to take your mind off of the fact that you're not with the other person. Not having the only happy activity you prefer to do to be the other person.

Is that what he told you?

That being with you is the only thing that brings him happiness?

If he did, that is pretty lame.

When/if I get a girlfriend, I would definitely love spending time with her, but there would be other things in my life that would make me happy.

December 5, 2012

Lost, I'm dealing with this right now, and it's never a good idea for either a man or a woman to make ANYONE the source of their happiness. Well, besides God that is. A healthy person needs to have other interests besides their romantic interest. If the romantic relationship breaks up, then they have nothing so they crumble. That is definitely not healthy.

December 5, 2012

I've been with my current boyfriend for two months, and this is pretty much his motto. I also dated another guy like this for four years.

The current guy, if he has the choice between me or his friends, would ALWAYS choose me, which is really sweet, but never wants for guy time. I love spending time alone, or having "girl time" with my friends, or seeing my family, or doing some activity, or something. Granted, its great to spend time together, but I think it's more reasonable to also want to find happiness elsewhere and have other things that make you happy. He only claims that the best source of his happiness is his girlfriend, and will only take other options if he must to pass the time. And he also says he is very empathetic and pretty much just takes on the moods of those around him.

As I've now dated two guys like this, and find it contradictory to what I like myself, and typical guy stereotypes, I have to know: Is it really "normal" for guys to find their only preferable source of happiness from their girlfriend, and not want "guy time" unless they have no other choice? To only play video games to take their mind off of being single, or make them forget that their not with their girlfriend if they have one? And I don't think he's just saying it, as getting married is he main want out of life, and he wants to fall in love.

And I'm not meaning to sound like a weird girlfriend who doesn't enjoy spending time or having a guy care, but when a guy lays that much happiness on me, it just doesn't sit right with me. In fact, it kind of depresses me. I'm not sure I want to go back down the road of this "clingyness"(for lack of better word) again, as its part of the reason the last relationship didn't work out.

The only time a guy really makes his g/f the only source of his happiness s because she forces him to. I've always felt it's up to the guy to set boundaries when it comes to clinginess. I think it's great that you are an independent woman with outside interests.

I also think I love you.

December 5, 2012

Unfortunately, too many men and women seriously cannot find their inner happiness, so they try to get someone to be their happiness. Not healthy.

I know life changed for me when I found inner happiness.

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Is it normal for guys to make his girlfriend the "only source of his happiness"?

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