LostInLove13 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I've been with my current boyfriend for two months, and this is pretty much his motto. I also dated another guy like this for four years. The current guy, if he has the choice between me or his friends, would ALWAYS choose me, which is really sweet, but never wants for guy time. I love spending time alone, or having "girl time" with my friends, or seeing my family, or doing some activity, or something. Granted, its great to spend time together, but I think it's more reasonable to also want to find happiness elsewhere and have other things that make you happy. He only claims that the best source of his happiness is his girlfriend, and will only take other options if he must to pass the time. And he also says he is very empathetic and pretty much just takes on the moods of those around him. As I've now dated two guys like this, and find it contradictory to what I like myself, and typical guy stereotypes, I have to know: Is it really "normal" for guys to find their only preferable source of happiness from their girlfriend, and not want "guy time" unless they have no other choice? To only play video games to take their mind off of being single, or make them forget that their not with their girlfriend if they have one? And I don't think he's just saying it, as getting married is he main want out of life, and he wants to fall in love. And I'm not meaning to sound like a weird girlfriend who doesn't enjoy spending time or having a guy care, but when a guy lays that much happiness on me, it just doesn't sit right with me. In fact, it kind of depresses me. I'm not sure I want to go back down the road of this "clingyness"(for lack of better word) again, as its part of the reason the last relationship didn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 It's not normal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Honestly be HAPPY you have a boyfriend and he wants to spend his time with you and isn't out cheating or lying or not giving you attention. Be grateful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NiceGuyDTW Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Honestly be HAPPY you have a boyfriend and he wants to spend his time with you and isn't out cheating or lying or not giving you attention. Be grateful True, but if he's got nothing else going on in his life, then this relationship will get pretty one sided. Meaning the OP will feel guilty for wanting to do things on her own. Just doesn't seem healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 LostInLove13 how does he react when you tell him that you want to do something without him? Link to post Share on other sites
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 True, but if he's got nothing else going on in his life, then this relationship will get pretty one sided. Meaning the OP will feel guilty for wanting to do things on her own. Just doesn't seem healthy. Then she can dump him..? Or ask him why he has nothing else going for him Link to post Share on other sites
NiceGuyDTW Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Then she can dump him..? Or ask him why he has nothing else going for him No, didn't say that. But if this goes on, after a while OP will feel pressure to keep her BF happy and always be with him. Time away for each other is healthy, and actually makes the time you are with that person more special. I think her asking him is fine, but don't think she can force him to change if that's the way he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInLove13 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 LostInLove13 how does he react when you tell him that you want to do something without him? When I asked him this, his response was he didn't mind, understood that I needed with others besides him to be happy, and he'd rather I do that than "lose me forever." Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInLove13 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 No, didn't say that. But if this goes on, after a while OP will feel pressure to keep her BF happy and always be with him. Time away for each other is healthy, and actually makes the time you are with that person more special. I think her asking him is fine, but don't think she can force him to change if that's the way he is. I'm not questioning whether it's sweet or not, and even said I'm not trying to be the girls that unhappy with someone who cares. But I do feel the need to just keep him happy, and these relationships depress me. I don't want to be someone's "sole" means to happiness, that's a lot of pressure. Especially only having been together two months, at 22-23 years old, I feel like always only wanting to be together is unhealthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I had a relationship with a guy like this in college. He wanted to be together 24/7, had no social or family life outside of our relationship, and it was completely smothering, not to mention obviously unhealthy. And when I eventually broke up with him (we were young, the relationship had run its course, I wanted to see other people), it was an absolute disaster. He literally tried to commit suicide. He went totally nuts. Ever since I have seen this sort of behaviour as unquestionably "red flag." Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Honestly, everyone is different. Some will tell you it's not healthy. But I think it's just a different attachment style. And it really only works well with someone who has the same attachment style. Tbh, my boyfriend and I are both like this. I couldn't be happier. I didn't know life could be this amazing...seriously, for the first time in my life I'm with someone who makes me so so so happy. My point is it's not one-size-fits-all. However, it doesn't seem as though this works well with you and that's okay too. Not that you guys can't be happy together but I think if you both had the same attachment style you would both be happier. As it is, you feel crowded and he's left not feeling as though he is getting enough from you. It's a challenge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Allot of men and some women feel that way. Sometimes it works out if both are on the same page. They write songs about how . They write songs about how or girlfriend. If that's not for you, then it may turn out that he's not right for you. Before concluding that, try honestly communicating what your boundaries are and what space you need. TLDR for some people this is what they need in a relationship. A good thing about that is, such people once paired can withstand external social pressures quite well. A couple where their general social life is as important as their bond, may not resist peer and family pressures. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 When I asked him this, his response was he didn't mind, understood that I needed with others besides him to be happy, and he'd rather I do that than "lose me forever." That seems fine to me, the lose you forever thing is a bit much but he understands. As long as he doesn't throw a fit when you want to do something without him, I don't see what the problem is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pirouette Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 It's a problem if it causes you to lose some respect for him. It already sounds like that's the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInLove13 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 Run for your life! The happiness of a man or woman should be intrinsic and not dependent on another person. That's what I've always thought... It's nice to have a partner to lean on in bat times, and somehow to have fun with in good times, but ultimately, you should make you happy (without being selfish of course). Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInLove13 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 It's a problem if it causes you to lose some respect for him. It already sounds like that's the case. Eh, not respect, so much as I just don't understand to lean on someone that heavily. Albeit, I'm quite independent, introverted, and very self-sufficient. Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 People need to have lives outside of their relationships. I've lost some friends because dudes were smothering their girlfriends and never made time for the guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pirouette Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Eh, not respect, so much as I just don't understand to lean on someone that heavily. Albeit, I'm quite independent, introverted, and very self-sufficient. In the beginning stages, it might just seem a little puzzling, a little bit different from how you do things. Over time however, it will likely wear on you, you'll grow to resent it, and you will probably lose respect for him. Think about it in the general sense. Do you feel it's important that people have hobbies, interests, and meaningful connections with friends and family? Do you think it's a reflection on a person's character and what does it say about them? It's important that your values align in order to have a solid relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ScreamingTrees Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Eh. I'm personally a guy who does his own thing. I enjoy the company of others, but I need time to recharge my batteries, and most of the time I'm quite content with the kind of life I have as is, I don't need to look for happiness externally. I'd personally rather spend a majority of my time with a signficant other and go out with a very small group of close friends maybe twice or three times a week, at that. I'm not desperate, quite the contrary. But I assume that unless you get to know a person, on the surface, a person who's generally quiet and withdrawn can either seem to be one extreme or the other; Particularly clingy or independent and self sufficient. Just as aloofness can come across as either shyness or disinterest, two other extremes. Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 No, it's not healthy and will eventually lead to resentment on both ends. It's incredibly unattractive when someone doesn't have their own life "outside" of their significant other. It's so true that happiness comes from within; a relationship should improve one's life - NOT become it. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I have been in a relationship like this one. My ex also wanted to be together 24/7. He actually had friends and close family but when he saw them, he always insisted that I go with him. He never once went anywhere without me, never had a boy's night, never spent time with his brother or parents unless I was there too. I felt really awkward when he would drag me to a boy's night and I was the only female there. His friends hated it and thought that it was me who was requesting this. During our whole relationship I had one 2 hour coffee without him with a female friend. For a year it was like this and I grew suffocated more and more. When I tried to talk to him, he would get upset and accuse me of not caring. My friends were worried about me as they knew how independent I normally am. We fought a lot, I never had a chance to miss him, I looked forward to going to work as it was the only time away from him. That level of clinginess, never again Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I have been in a relationship like this one. My ex also wanted to be together 24/7. He actually had friends and close family but when he saw them, he always insisted that I go with him. He never once went anywhere without me, never had a boy's night, never spent time with his brother or parents unless I was there too. I felt really awkward when he would drag me to a boy's night and I was the only female there. His friends hated it and thought that it was me who was requesting this. During our whole relationship I had one 2 hour coffee without him with a female friend. For a year it was like this and I grew suffocated more and more. When I tried to talk to him, he would get upset and accuse me of not caring. My friends were worried about me as they knew how independent I normally am. We fought a lot, I never had a chance to miss him, I looked forward to going to work as it was the only time away from him. That level of clinginess, never again Wow, just reading that was exhausting! You certainly have more patience than me. I'm by nature a loner and never have a problem doing my own thing. I can be alone for extending periods of time and be "just fine". When I'm in a committed relationship I obviously have to compromise (and I honestly don't mind) on my "free" time. However, the right balance has to be there otherwise it becomes toxic (resentment builds) and unsustainable. Yep, you can never change who you are at the "core" to make another person happy. There are healthy (READ: Flexible) arrangements and then there are unwaivering incompatibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Wow, just reading that was exhausting! You certainly have more patience than me. I'm by nature a loner and never have a problem doing my own thing. I can be alone for extending periods of time and be "just fine". When I'm in a committed relationship I obviously have to compromise (and I honestly don't mind) on my "free" time. However, the right balance has to be there otherwise it becomes toxic (resentment builds) and unsustainable. Yep, you can never change who you are at the "core" to make another person happy. There are healthy (READ: Flexible) arrangements and then there are unwaivering incompatibilities. Yep, I enjoy time by myself so much.....It was partly my fault because I wasn't assertive enough - I just backed down to make him happy and ignored my own needs. Now I am extremely hesitant to have a relationship again, because I get flashbacks of that and I feel nauseated just thinking of it Link to post Share on other sites
jcrew11 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Sounds like he is paranoid about losing her, so he wants to keep an eye on her if she ever goes out alone with friends. She sounds way hotter than him. Link to post Share on other sites
Estate Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 It depends how define normal. LOTS of guys do this. Lots of girls too. I rememeber. With my first girlfriend I did this. Not knowingly but she sort of kept me in check and I was happy to go along with it. Although nowadays I always want to spend as much time as I can with a girl I'm seeing seriously, I have to have me time, family time & friends time. I lost my last room-mate to this too. He basically speaks to none of his old friends. The problem really comes if the relationship ever breaks down. Some people are lucky enough to have friends who will "welcome them back" but others, not so much which makes the breakup even worse but it is of their own doing. So is it normal? Well... yes, quite a lot of people fall into this trap. Is it good for the relationship? Not at all! One or the other will eventually get sick of it and it sounds already like this guy is just being too easy for you. A guy having his own friends & life is attractive. What he is doing isn't. If he's a good guy. Don't write him off just yet but I'd bring up the topic with him. He might not realize there is a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
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