bambi_4 Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 My ex boyfriend broke it off with me 2 months ago. Saying that he needed time and space to sort things out in his head. When we were going out we got on really well but near the end he was, what seemed to me, getting cold feet about being in a relationship. We both said we were in love. We both felt really comfortable together and were very open in communication. Over the last 2 months we have stayed in constent contact, talking every day on the phone and are still ending every conversation in I love you. We became closer as friends and both consider each other as best friends. Every time we meet up we hug and kiss on the lips. He could never really explain the break up, except to say he needs the space cause things went very quick. He said that he wanted to stay friends to see what happens between us and that if we got back together, could see us going the full hog, kids, house etc. I found it hard at times because he wasn't making any moves to get back together but tried to respect his feelings and give him space. Last week things seemed different, he wasn't talking as much and i found him distant. I decided to confront him on it. He said you know I dont want to get back together at the moment and I think that maybe you love me in a different way to the way I love you. So I asked was it only as a friend he loved me but he said no he loved me more than a friend. He then said he couldn't see each other going out in the immediate future but maybe in a while to come. He still is sayig he loves me every day. I'm very confused, I know there is no one else cause he is very honest and would tell me. He strongly believes in doing the right thing. I have cut down in contact since, to give us both time. I'm not sure what else to do. I have not talked on the topic since to him, sometimes too much talk can ruin a thing. Does anyone have any advice on the topic??
Taken_Angel Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I'm sorry to say but it sounds like he is keeping you around just in case he doesn't find someone he would rather be with. He seems to be stringing you along giving you just enough affection to keep you wanting more, but not enough to think you two have a chance to reconcile right away. I say you deserve better than that, be his friend but back off from the physical affection and kissing and see how he acts towards you then. He told you already he doesn't want to get back together right now, even if it hurts soooo bad you should appear that it's ok with you and attempt to move on yourself. Maybe consider dating someone else and try and forget about this guy as anything but a friend. Though it sounds like you had a good relationship before he started this, I don't think he should be able to be "free" to seek someone else but be able to keep you on hanging on so when he's "ready" he can come back and get with you. He isn't being very considerate of your feelings...
Author bambi_4 Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Thanks for the advice, you maybe right Its hard to know. Everyone describes him as unusual when it comes to relationships, not just mine and his but his friendships too. He has really strong views on life. He isn't on the best terms with 2 of his closest friends at the moment and also with his mom. I think myself he can't have everything, but i thought I meant more to him then this.
beautiful Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I agree with angel! Well said! You deserve better for yourself and should know it and move on. If you broke up, WHY are you in constant touch? He gets the best ofboth worlds.......he is free to do as he pleases and has you still on the hook to pull in anytime he feels like it. Stop contact with him immediately! Yes if you allow it , it will hurt you however you be better of. If you continue to allow him what he is doing, he will loose total respect for you as a woman. He won't come back! Guys do not respect women who act like desperate doormatts! A guy respects a woman who has her own life and self respect.................enough to put him in his place when he is being bad. Move on! Live your life and find out WHY you are allowing him to do this to you! God Bless!
Tia_angel Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I'm in the same situation. Your guy(ex) is different to the rest but are they?? probably not. Break contact, nothing will come of this.
Author bambi_4 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Yeah you do think they are different but your right. " NO CONTACT RULE" going into action and moving on. One thing why does he still say(has every day for the 2 months we are broken up) he loves me???? MEN!!!!!!
popvix Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 well theres a saying where im from about women and how they they are like monkeys.... they dont let go of one branch until they have ahold of another.... highly sexist yes but youve just proven it works both ways. People who dont know what they want, but who are sure that they dont want what they have right now because they think they can get something better...... do what they are doing to you, and indeed many people on here. Ill bring it back to myself for a few lines. I was told i was 98% perfect but that the 2% that was missing (which was pure lust for someone else which i couldnt provide having been there for 7 years as a boyfriend and over 10 years knowing her) was the reason she had to leave me.... despite saying she loved me like a brother (her way of describing love without lust... which is called true love in my books). So anyways, from what ive learned by myself, and what ive seen on here with other peoples stories... is that when someone describes you as the kind of person they would ultimately want in the long term... its just a nice way of saying "thanks for all the stability you THEORETICALLY would give me if i was a different person, but im not interested in that" - its the logical side of their brain kicking in for the sake of the conversation with you, before the impulsive side of them, which is the side which ultimately drives their actions... takes over and is now looking for the next person to provide them with short term "excitement". It sounds like im making a bitchy and loaded statement yeah, im going through the back end of a similar situation, but at the end of the day you and that person just arent in sync with each other as far as your priorities in life are concerned. The silly and emotional parts of us are saying "give that person time and they will wise up" but lets be honest... the damage is done and the trust and indeed the relationship with that person has come to an end. You will never be able to go back to that person and continue the relationship at the point where it turned bad. No doubt about it no matter how much you delude yourself. the only truth you can hold onto is that there are billions of people on this planet and the chances that you will meet a person who wants what you want, and will not bull**** you about "im not ready ...blah blah blah" are more or less 100%. You would be amazed how easy it is to find people even by accident and co-incidence who are interested in you much more than your ex does, and want the same things as you. The only hard part in this aspect is making sure your getting out and about and being part of society (once youve healed enough... rebound relationships are the idiotic problems that immature dumpers should be having, not you ) again.... Have hope, learn to fall out of love with your ex, and fall back in love with yourself... and good luck.
Taken_Angel Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Some very good points in the last post! I think he says he loves you because in his heart he still has love for you but probably isn't "in love" with you anymore. He is probably used to saying it and wants you to know that he still cares (plus I think it's a tatic to keep you around (even if he doesn't know he's doing it) he probably thinks if you think there is hope you want push him to either be with you or leave you alone).
Author bambi_4 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Taken_Angel, that sounds exactly like him. God this is going to be hard. He has been such a good friend over the last few weeks. I'd have loved to stay friends.
Taken_Angel Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 There is nothing wrong with being friends w/ your ex but since you have feelings for him a platonic friendship will be very difficult. In all honesty I think your best bet would be to cut your losses, not keep in constant contact w/ him and move on, heal your heart, then if you want to date again...begin to do so. You'll be okay even though it will be painful. Good luck!
popvix Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Taken_Angel I think he says he loves you because in his heart he still has love for you but probably isn't "in love" with you anymore. Yep, those are the exact words said to me when we broke up. Pity that "in love" is more a gift from nature that actual real love. Being "in love" is just a trick our minds play on us...... Its a shame that a break up teaches us the meaning of true love, more than it does when we are actually part of it eh
wtfjh? Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Well...shoot then. My ex called me night before last, after a month of no contact and said he was still "in love" with me, thought about me every second, and missed me badly. Then went on to say that he figures he will just find me in the cool place I am moving to, to get me back. Then, ended the conversation by saying we have hurt each other too much, and it is over, and he will never contact me again. WTF? How the heck does one interpret that?
Author bambi_4 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 WTF is right?? Is he on acid?? I think but not sure as we all know I'm confused, but your better off with out that sort of thing going on. If he gets in contact again tell him to f*** off.
popvix Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Sounds like the average "dumper" will say anything to give themselves an insurance policy against their short term decisions to at least make themselves feel better if things dont turn out right. Saying things to you about how you fit their long term goals is probably more about them trying to make themselves feel better about their own shallow decisions than it is about making YOU feel better... although at the time its easy to latch onto their statements like its meant for you.
Author bambi_4 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 This is actually the first time I have been dumped, I've always done the dumping but never did I keep anyones hope up like that. It was clear cut for me, they aren't the one and that is that. To be honest I've never come across this before not even with friends. I'm really suprised by this cause I didn't think he was the kind to do this sh*t. If ye meet him I don't think you would either.
wtfjh? Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Well I thought mine was the sweetest, gentlest "nice guy" there could ever be. This was an illusion. He ditched me to hang out with female friends, abandoned me in a foreign country because I "insulted him" by suggesting that he not be so flirty with a girl we kept running into, abandoned me in the rain after I drove 6 hours to see him, blah blah blah. Anyhow. What sucks is, I was finally getting over it all, thinking he just didnt love me anymore. How am I supposed to feel now? Think he really is still "in love"? If he were, it seems like he would not turn down the opportunity to come back to me. I was very good to him. He is the one who hurt me. The only hurt he experienced in the relationship is the guilt from being a selfish jerk to me. Anyhow, it is bizarre. Don't know why he would call and say this crap. Now, as much as I don't even want him back, there will be this *hope*-
Author bambi_4 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 No offense but he couldn't be too nice if he was flirting. I can't figure guys out at all or is it love i can't figure out. He might love you but I doubt his in love with you. As Taken_Angel said to me about my ex.
Author bambi_4 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 WHATS WRONG WITH ME??? He rang again and I answered. We are getting on so well as friends, I just find it hard to be so mean as stop contact just cause I can't get over myself. Its not his problem I can't get on with things, is it??
Taken_Angel Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 It IS his problem....you aren't being "mean" he is dragging you along, he probably thinks you have the capabilty to "turn off" your romantic feelings towards him as he appears to have done for you. Most people can NOT do this....if you can't or don't want to stop contact with him and you want to continue dealing with the pain why keep asking for help? It's ok to vent but don't ask for advice if you know no matter what you're going to be his puppy on a leash and wait for him...no one can help your situation but YOU. If you like your relationship the way it is (which you obviously don't or else you wouldn't have posted about it) then don't change it but if you don't like it DO something about it other than just tell us.
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