Am I his "project"?

[Lego]

Hi all, I'm new here, and have a (somewhat?) unusual situation. I'm finding myself lost in second guesses and have nobody else to turn to for advice. I apologize for the length, and have kept it concise where possible. Thank you in advance for any advice or words of wisdom.

 

Let me elaborate.

I am 23, female, and brand new to dating. (There's nothing wrong with how I look. Not a knockout, but I'm tall and slender, no major flaws.) Anyway, the past few years, I was a total nerd, living a personal bubble of work and school.

I had labeled myself as asexual for the past few years through college. (My reasons for doing so were sound. I figured I just had no need or desire to have sex, thought it seemed gross, I thought little about it, and figured I’d be happy as a lifelong single. I also had a touch of gender dysphoria to add to the mix.) Needless to say, I am a virgin, and had no genuine sexual experience of any kind.

 

Lately I’ve realized that I do have weak, often-vague feelings and thoughts that can only be described as sensual, and a feeling of loneliness has also come into the picture recently. I had fantasized about closeness, gentle kissing, that kind of thing, so I knew there was at least something romantic there.

After some crushes, I started thinking that instead of “asexual” I was “demisexual” - meaning that I just needed to get close to someone in order to better figure out my feelings and possibly “unlock” my sexuality.

 

But I faced a conundrum: How do I know I’m really asexual, if I’ve never been in an intimate situation with someone I cared about? Isn’t it like deciding you don’t like a food without tasting it?

 

So I decided that the only way to find out what my mental limits are was to find a boyfriend (I can be romantic, no problem), and experiment with him to see what the limits are. If I couldn’t go far, at least then I would know. I was scared that if I didn’t know about my sexual limits, I might end up deep in a future relationship only to find I was totally incompatible with my partner.

 

I made an online dating profile, and made it very clear that I might be asexual and am a little confused about my sexuality. I wanted to be honest, and avoid any situation where I could be considered a “tease.” I did not want to lead anybody on, since I didn’t know my own boundaries.

I had been hoping to find a guy around 23 with the same general lack of experience and low sex drive. (Apparently, that’s hard to do!)

 

One of the people who contacted me (Let’s call him “Steve”) answered his “match questions” very differently. He is 21 and has apparently had a pretty sexually adventurous past already. (For example, answering “yes” to whether he’d been in a 3-way, and whether he could sleep with someone on the first date.) It almost put me off completely, since I’m naturally intimidated by someone with that level of experience. I figured there was no way he would be satisfied with someone who likely couldn’t “go all the way,” especially if that same person was willing to have sex on the first date!

 

But we did have enough in common, and ended up having some earnest conversations about sexuality. We started talking on the phone at length, and he would go out of his way to talk to me (like going to his car to talk so he didn’t wake his roommates). He texted me a lot, too. Just random stuff going on in his life, we shared each of our little problems to sympathize with.

 

In one phone conversation, he asked me what exactly I was looking to try, physically, if I had the chance with him. I said just kissing, “light” making out, and he seemed cool with it. I remember using the term “teacher” semi-jokingly, and I remember he was cool with that label. He made it very clear that he would not pressure me into anything I didn’t feel ready for. So we were pretty much on the same page that we really liked each other and he would help me experiment and figure out where I stand.

 

 

So we did finally decide to meet for a date (public place), and had a great time. In a previous text, he told me he’d be tempted to kiss me, and I told him I was cool with the idea, and would stop him if I was uncomfortable with anything. I found him attractive and liked his personality. Later on, we hung out at my place later on watching a video, sitting close, and eventually making out mildly but for a long time. (Clothes stayed on, I guess you could call it light petting).

 

And here’s the thing... I enjoyed it! I did have limits (basically places where underwear would cover, as well as full on mouth kissing), but I think I can maybe work through those. He was very sensitive and understanding, teaching by example but being very slow and gentle. I really felt “in love” in that moment! It was special and I think I’ll remember it well.

I thought the night ended on a pretty good note, for him too. I mean, he seemed to be in a good mood.

 

Then he didn’t call the next day. (Now, I know there’s these phone games people play, but I’m not up on the “rules.”) Didn’t he know that it was a big deal for me? I thought he’d want to talk about it a little at least...

 

His silence made me feel... used, I guess?

Like, he only was interested in talking to/texting me until he got a date, in which case he as me “bagged” so to speak, and now doesn’t have to put in any effort or something. Was I so naive to think that he enjoyed our conversations, even though he was the one who usually initiated the call?

 

The thing is, I’m really not emotionally needy, and don’t need to call/text someone every day. But when there’s such a big contrast between the frequency of PRE-date calling/texts and POST-date ones, it does raise some kind of red flag to me. Like that he only wants to see how far he can get with me, or something.

 

In fact, when he finally texted back the next day, his text kinda startled me.

Me: “How’s it going?”

Him: “It’s good sorry I fell asleep early last night. And I’m curious to see how you’ll react when I bring you to your first orgasm”

(wow, that came out of the blue...)

Me: “Gotta admit I hadn’t thought that far ahead. There’s just a lot I don’t know about myself I guess. I think there are mental barriers to the idea of orgasm, and I don’t know if they’re pre-existing or self-constructed. Might not work through it. Sorry, I hate being this vague, really.”

Him: “It’s fine I understand. I’m just curious as to how you’ll react to it.”

 

So he used the future tense. Not “curious to see how you’d react IF I BROUGHT you to your first orgasm” but “WHEN I’ll BRING.” It makes him seem pretty confident that he’ll go that far, and I gotta admit I’m a lot more doubtful. I’ve made it clear that I can’t make any promises for anything, but it seems like there’s some kind of ego in him that doesn’t believe my doubts.

 

 

So right now I’m in a limbo. He’s texted back a couple times, so I know he’s not ignoring me and is still interested in a relationship, but he does seem really distant. I don’t want to pester him for fear of seeming clingy or overly attached.

I also want to know that I’m in a healthy and affectionate “teacher/student” relationship which is enjoyable for both of us. I don’t want to go through with it if he’s having a bad time.

 

 

------------------------------

 

So some questions after the context:

1. Has he made me a “project” or personal game? I have to wonder if he has the idea that he can try to “convert” me to being “normal”, as a way to validate himself. While I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint him with how far I’m able to go, I’m also afraid of the IDEA of being a project. Because it could mean he doesn’t care about me. (And if he doesn’t care about me, then I don’t care about him the same way. And if I don’t care about him in that way, then I won’t be in the proper head space to do experiment with him anyway.)

 

2. Has anyone here been in a similar situation as myself? (2 people with very different levels of experience/drive?) How did you navigate it? Is there such thing as a “teacher/student” relationship that’s enjoyable for both people?

 

3. What is sticking to the “lowest common denominator” of physical affection like for a relatively experienced guy? I don’t want him to be uncomfortable with foreplay-type stuff because doesn’t conclude in sex. (I thought I heard that “holding back” can be painful for guys, and I don’t want to cause that.)

 

4. Assuming he’s an average “decent guy” (which I think he is), is there any danger to ME with softcore experimentation, such as him getting frustrated and not being able to hold back what he really wants to do? I guess I don’t really know how much control guys have in the moment.

 

5. Is polyamory the best way to go in these kinds of relationships? I’m actually open to it... (I mean, there’s a good chance that I’m not the “full package,” and most people want that, so I think I’d be cool with them having casual sex with others to get what I might lack.) I haven’t discussed it with Steve at length, but I do remember him saying he didn’t think that arrangements like that were long-lasting.

 

6. Should I avoid guys who want to wait for marriage? I personally like the idea of waiting, but I’m scared that if I don’t know anything about my own sexuality first, I’ll end up locked into a situation I don’t fit AT ALL.

 

7. Easier question: Is it normal for guys to want to talk much more frequently before the first date, then cool way off after that, even though they’re still interested in the woman?

 

8. Am I in over my head? Should I just back off and live a life of relative solitude? (OK I know you guys can’t answer that one, so it’s not a real question... I’m just frustrated with all the second guessing I guess. Is this what dating is usually like? If so, it sucks :-\

 

 

Sooo, wow, that was long, thank you for reading this far. I can only hope that this question helps other people in my situation.

Edited December 3, 2012 by Lego

[Toddbt12y1]

So.....

 

If I am reading this right, you a virgin, and new to dating, having recently unlocked desires for dating(I know a girl like you), has met this Steve, and as time progressed, after he "fell asleep" to one of your texts, he texts you back out of the blue, telling you how he wonders you'd look/feel/act to your first orgasm?

 

He keeps on and on about the samething? Man, he really wants your vagina hun, your virginity. One thing to casually mention it or hint at it, but to stay constant...But that is up to you on how you wish to proceed with this affair. You can have sex with him, give it up, and find out what sex is like(first time is really long or enjoyable), or not.

 

He could be playing you, dating websites are full of jerkoffs like this. I am amazed you closed your feelings off for 23 years of life, amazing. I know a girl named Kayla, just like you. I am proud she has remaind a virgin, but for how long I do not know...

 

I warn you: Virginity has it's costs. For a girl, as I have come to understand, they (I know too), they get rather attached to the guy that plucks their cherry, i.e. takes their virginity. Is an attachment worth it to a guy, you are unsure about? Is giving up something you saved for so long to a guy, you may not even love, worth it?

 

Virginity is downplayed in this era of life, but it holds it's weight. Always look at what the person tells you, take it as a red flag or a green flag. If some guy says, "sex" a lot, clearly that is what he wants. That is a red flag, unless you want it. Now if he says other sweet things, doesn't really mention it(maybe rarely), you might have something.

 

But I dunno...I have been off today on the advice department, so I might be dead wrong...Which doesn't shock me..

[Toddbt12y1]

P.s. Living a life of solitude sucks. You may not think so, but remember: everything has a price to be paid. Even if this or your next or your next relationship doesn't work out. The one that does is infinitely better than lonliness.

 

Humans have feelings, a need to be attached to one another. That is also why we have societies. Not all the gold in the universe: Not even discovering the secrets to how mass is made, nothing really compares to the awesomeness of love.

 

That is worth the experience of all the jerks in the world, the cheats, and heartbreakers. It is worth all the books and studies life has to offer. It is the circle of completion in life. I am sure you get it by now: Love is potent force.

[Lego]

So.....

 

If I am reading this right, you a virgin, and new to dating, having recently unlocked desires for dating(I know a girl like you), has met this Steve, and as time progressed, after he "fell asleep" to one of your texts, he texts you back out of the blue, telling you how he wonders you'd look/feel/act to your first orgasm?

 

He keeps on and on about the samething? Man, he really wants your vagina hun, your virginity. One thing to casually mention it or hint at it, but to stay constant...But that is up to you on how you wish to proceed with this affair. You can have sex with him, give it up, and find out what sex is like(first time is really long or enjoyable), or not.

 

He could be playing you, dating websites are full of jerkoffs like this. I am amazed you closed your feelings off for 23 years of life, amazing. I know a girl named Kayla, just like you. I am proud she has remaind a virgin, but for how long I do not know...

 

I warn you: Virginity has it's costs. For a girl, as I have come to understand, they (I know too), they get rather attached to the guy that plucks their cherry, i.e. takes their virginity. Is an attachment worth it to a guy, you are unsure about? Is giving up something you saved for so long to a guy, you may not even love, worth it?

 

Virginity is downplayed in this era of life, but it holds it's weight. Always look at what the person tells you, take it as a red flag or a green flag. If some guy says, "sex" a lot, clearly that is what he wants. That is a red flag, unless you want it. Now if he says other sweet things, doesn't really mention it(maybe rarely), you might have something.

 

But I dunno...I have been off today on the advice department, so I might be dead wrong...Which doesn't shock me..

 

Hi, thanks for the reply.

 

He actually only mentioned the orgasm thing once, (though it is weird that he wouldn't start with "fun conversation last night" instead).

Anyway, I'm actually quite sure I would not be giving my virginity to this guy. I guess in my mind I knew I would hit some barriers I wasn't willing to pass. But I wanted someone to help take me up to those barriers. (I thought that the fact that I would let him have sex with other people would mean that he wouldn't pressure ME to go all the way.)

He seemed very gentle and patient, like he wouldn't be expecting that of me I guess.

 

Thank you for helping me be more on my guard.

[Mrlonelyone]

How about finding a guy who you really truly love first then giving it to him? Steve just wants to get in you.

[Lego]

Why is SEX the focal point of this so-called relationship and pretty much the only thing on this kid's mind?

 

I find it pretty disrespectful to you that he's putting FAR too much emphasis on sex and practically NONE on building a relationship. I think you're being led around by the nose by him because you have no prior relationship experience and don't know any better. This guy's just grooming you for sex because you're a challenge. He's only 21 so he's probably received most of his 'knowledge' on how to please a woman from free porn sites. Be still my beating heart.

 

And if the idiot has engaged in threesomes and such, it just shows his ignorance and immaturity for putting it on his profile, trying to look like a stud. Gosh, I'm so impressed. Not. What a little jerk.

 

But HE thinks he's a stud and he's going to 'teach' you all about sex. LOL. Be still my beating heart.

 

I just think you need to quit RUSHING with the sex business. He's a 21 year old kid which means he's looking to screw literally anything that's capable of fogging a mirror. So don't be too flattered that he's trying to get into your pants because he's more than likely working other females on the dating site as well. And yes, to an extent, you ARE a project for him. A challenge. And once he finally pursuades you to give it up, don't be too surprised when he turns his attention to his next conquest.

 

You're disrespecting yourself by putting yourself in the role of "student." That implies you're a puppy dog who needs to be trained. Get some more dating experience, do tons of reading on human sexuality, and accept the fact that you don't have to give your virginity up to the first person who thinks he's going to 'teach' you.

 

Ugh.

Hmm that's a good take on the age thing.

I had actually thought I would be more comfortable dating a guy who was younger than me because I figured he would've had less experience, but yeah I can see that the flipside is maturity...

 

Thank you so much for that post. It's making me re-examine all of our conversations to find new meaning. I am a smart person, but I guess it's limited to "book smart"...

 

Which on a related note, I hadn't really thought about just reading up and training myself on human sexuality. I was just scared that I would be leading people on further down the road without knowing if I could actually follow through... Because I don't want to hurt them or some future, more serious relationship.

 

This stuff is really complicated.

[Toddbt12y1]

Ah, letting him have sex with others? Come on girl, show some self-respect. Think about what you are asking. If you aren't ready for the pressures, then you aren't ready for anyone. Anyone you will get with will mention sex at some point in time. Though, I want you to keep your virginity until you find the right guy, but until then.

 

Keeping up barriers will not work. It will end badly, a lonliness you haven't even began to travel. I am glad you are a smart girl, and clearly you are, but all the intelligence in the universe won't stop lonliness. In otherwords, keep trying till you find the right one. Slowly come out of that shell, not quickly.

 

But you should really think about the letting him have sex with others thing. That is the most disrespectful thing you can think to do in a relationship. It is cheating, whether allowed to or not. He's off banging some other chick, and kissing you at the same time, but not annoying you over sex? That is nasty to be honest.

 

Doing that means you have no idea where their mouth has been lol...Which you don't. But if you did...

[Toddbt12y1]

Meh, also, a book won't teach you human sexuality. It comes naturally. First you should explore yourself, and get the lay of yourself, and it progresses from thereon. A book is nothing when it comes to this.

You indeed remind me so much of my friend, I cannot help but smile. A total good girl, and that is incredible! But, you won't learn from a book. First start with yourself, then see.

[Lego]

Ah, letting him have sex with others? Come on girl, show some self-respect. Think about what you are asking. If you aren't ready for the pressures, then you aren't ready for anyone. Anyone you will get with will mention sex at some point in time. Though, I want you to keep your virginity until you find the right guy, but until then.

 

Keeping up barriers will not work. It will end badly, a lonliness you haven't even began to travel. I am glad you are a smart girl, and clearly you are, but all the intelligence in the universe won't stop lonliness. In otherwords, keep trying till you find the right one. Slowly come out of that shell, not quickly.

 

But you should really think about the letting him have sex with others thing. That is the most disrespectful thing you can think to do in a relationship. It is cheating, whether allowed to or not. He's off banging some other chick, and kissing you at the same time, but not annoying you over sex? That is nasty to be honest.

 

Doing that means you have no idea where their mouth has been lol...Which you don't. But if you did...

I got the idea from some of the couples on the AVEN (asexuality) forums. Some people with normal libidos marry asexuals, and they work out an arrangement along those lines.

I just felt like it's not fair to demand exclusivity with someone but deny them something they're used to in other relationships.

But yeah it's definitely not ideal...

[Toddbt12y1]

Asexual seems to me to go against the norms of human. I mean, human's have sex, animals, etc, it is how it is. So to deny yourself, seems odd by nature. It isn't fair, but it can be fair. Like I said, Asexuals aren't gonna teach you sex, lol, for obvious reasons. Only you can do that, do you masturbate? Do you do anything remotely sexual? In the end I am sure you don't, cause you have superior control, and that is amazing!

 

Much like a friend of mine. So, ofc, you never experienced what that feeling is even like. Until you start exploring yourself, you won't know for bigger and better things.

 

Not gonna lie, sex is amazing. I would lie if I told you otherwise(minus first time.) But it can be better if done more correctly, right, with the right person...many people know heartache because it never is so.

[Divasu]

Don't let him play with your legos.

 

And ditto to everything Just A Poster said.

[Lego]

Meh, also, a book won't teach you human sexuality. It comes naturally. First you should explore yourself, and get the lay of yourself, and it progresses from thereon. A book is nothing when it comes to this.

You indeed remind me so much of my friend, I cannot help but smile. A total good girl, and that is incredible! But, you won't learn from a book. First start with yourself, then see.

I've tried "starting with myself" before and, well, nothing happens. It's one of the things that made me think I was asexual. I guess I just don't feel anything or can't easily get aroused. Part of the problem might be that I need to get a surgery (can't wear tampons, though there's the chance I'm doing it wrong, lol). That's something I hadn't told "Steve" actually...

[todreaminblue]

I have been celibate for a long time now......honestly i have had an extensive past and that could probably last me till the day i go......as far as having extensive history sex is sex.......half the time i wasnt even there that was necessity.....as far as having boyfriends and sexuality goes....when i do have sex with someone i care about it is a bond to me.....besides feeding them its a way to show they are special to me... makes it hard for me to express romantic attachment to a male because my relationships have been sexual.....its been a starting point in romantic attachment which is pretty messed up.......dont give your virginity to this guy as other posters have said....it should be with someone you love.......then you will feel those amazing feelings of attraction desire and you will be safe in knowing they arent using you....giving your sexuality to someone who doesnt really care about you is a soul scarring experience you dont really need...been there done that got the scars to prove it...let love grow and desire will follow entangling you in a web of words spoken with truth and passion from one who truly desires you....ok flowery sorry.....i can dream....my new catch phrase.....deb.

[Toddbt12y1]

Hm, so you have issues down there with your vagina? Actually, I need to keep this clean, as I sense you are a good girl...But what do you mean nothing happens? It might not be because of the organ down there, but your mental block. Do you feel ashamed when you do that? Don't. Tell yourself it is amazing, and enjoy the moment, cut free. Slowly at a time.

 

You are saying you cannot get a tampon in your vagina, no? I imagine not if you haven't had sex and are nervous to boot about that area = more tightness. But I do not know, and I don't want to upset you by details or anything else.

[Toddbt12y1]

I have been celibate for a long time now......honestly i have had an extensive past and that could probably last me till the day i go......as far as having extensive history sex is sex.......half the time i wasnt even there that was necessity.....as far as having boyfriends and sexuality goes....when i do have sex with someone i care about it is a bond to me.....besides feeding them its a way to show they are special to me... makes it hard for me to express romantic attachment to a male because my relationships have been sexual.....its been a starting point in romantic attachment which is pretty messed up.......dont give your virginity to this guy as other posters have said....it should be with someone you love.......then you will feel those amazing feelings of attraction desire and you will be safe in knowing they arent using you....giving your sexuality to someone who doesnt really care about you is a soul scarring experience you dont really need...been there done that got the scars to prove it...let love grow and desire will follow entangling you in a web of words spoken with truth and passion from one who truly desires you....ok flowery sorry.....i can dream....my new catch phrase.....deb.

 

 

I don't recall any other poster saying she should give it up to him lol. If you are implying me, I have done nothing but praise her for keeping it and never said she should give it up.

[xpaperxcutx]

I've tried "starting with myself" before and, well, nothing happens. It's one of the things that made me think I was asexual. I guess I just don't feel anything or can't easily get aroused. Part of the problem might be that I need to get a surgery (can't wear tampons, though there's the chance I'm doing it wrong, lol). That's something I hadn't told "Steve" actually...

 

Honestly, I can't wear tampons either, but it's more associated with the feeling of having something inside of me while walking down the street that adds to the discomfort.

 

I think you are capable of being sexual it's just you haven't explored the ideas associated with pleasure. Have you tried watching porn ( the ones that are tasteful) and exploring your sexual side more with toys? People who denied themselves pleasure doesn't necessarily fall under the term " asexual". It could just an unconscious thing wherein you haven't fully allow yourself to be sexually open.

 

Also, I think if you are capable of little kissings and pettings and experience arousal, that means you are capable of being sexual. As to whether this " Steve" is should be the one to de-virginize, I would ask you to be more cautious. A guy who is so open with you about sex isn't necssarily out to harm you, but he would be out for self-gratification given the fact you are so " inexperienced". Look out for yourself, first and foremost.

[Toddbt12y1]

Honestly, I can't wear tampons either, but it's more associated with the feeling of having something inside of me while walking down the street that adds to the discomfort.

 

I think you are capable of being sexual it's just you haven't explored the ideas associated with pleasure. Have you tried watching porn ( the ones that are tasteful) and exploring your sexual side more with toys? People who denied themselves pleasure doesn't necessarily fall under the term " asexual". It could just an unconscious thing wherein you haven't fully allow yourself to be sexually open.

 

Also, I think if you are capable of little kissings and pettings and experience arousal, that means you are capable of being sexual. As to whether this " Steve" is should be the one to de-virginize, I would ask you to be more cautious. A guy who is so open with you about sex isn't necssarily out to harm you, but he would be out for self-gratification given the fact you are so " inexperienced". Look out for yourself, first and foremost.

 

Exactly, she should watch porn and practice. I don't know about toys, lol, but start with her hand maybe. But it won't matter until she releases those mental blocks and can firmly enjoy what her body can do...

[pteromom]

He just wants sex, so I wouldn't put too much stock in a relationship with him. I think that, yes, you are his project. He wants to show you that sex is good, but it isn't because he has some deep caring about you - it's because he wants sex!

 

I think you have prematurely labeled yourself. You have no experience with sex, so you don't know that you are asexual. You shouldn't be hanging on asexual forums. You are just going to get a skewed perspective of yourself by doing that. (Not that there aren't people who are asexual, but you aren't necessarily one of them.)

 

You need to keep dating, with the goal of finding someone for a stable relationship, not just to find someone to experiment with to see if you are interested in sex at all.

 

And - you need to keep working with yourself. Instead of browsing asexual forums, read erotic stories. Look at porn or erotic art. If there is anything that interests you, keep reading. Keep touching yourself and thinking about sex, and see if you can get to where it feels good to you.

 

You are at the beginning of a journey, and I don't know that Steve is the right guy to be your guide - UNLESS you are able to completely step back emotionally and realize it is just physical.

[Toddbt12y1]

He just wants sex, so I wouldn't put too much stock in a relationship with him. I think that, yes, you are his project. He wants to show you that sex is good, but it isn't because he has some deep caring about you - it's because he wants sex!

 

I think you have prematurely labeled yourself. You have no experience with sex, so you don't know that you are asexual. You shouldn't be hanging on asexual forums. You are just going to get a skewed perspective of yourself by doing that. (Not that there aren't people who are asexual, but you aren't necessarily one of them.)

 

You need to keep dating, with the goal of finding someone for a stable relationship, not just to find someone to experiment with to see if you are interested in sex at all.

 

And - you need to keep working with yourself. Instead of browsing asexual forums, read erotic stories. Look at porn or erotic art. If there is anything that interests you, keep reading. Keep touching yourself and thinking about sex, and see if you can get to where it feels good to you.

 

You are at the beginning of a journey, and I don't know that Steve is the right guy to be your guide - UNLESS you are able to completely step back emotionally and realize it is just physical.

 

Exactly! I do not think she has even masturbated that much at all. So, she probably lacks on techinque too. So reading up on proper masturbation would help. Erotic stories too, still, with a mental block shaming her it might be hard still.

[Lego]

Honestly, I can't wear tampons either, but it's more associated with the feeling of having something inside of me while walking down the street that adds to the discomfort.

 

I think you are capable of being sexual it's just you haven't explored the ideas associated with pleasure. Have you tried watching porn ( the ones that are tasteful) and exploring your sexual side more with toys? People who denied themselves pleasure doesn't necessarily fall under the term " asexual". It could just an unconscious thing wherein you haven't fully allow yourself to be sexually open.

 

Also, I think if you are capable of little kissings and pettings and experience arousal, that means you are capable of being sexual. As to whether this " Steve" is should be the one to de-virginize, I would ask you to be more cautious. A guy who is so open with you about sex isn't necssarily out to harm you, but he would be out for self-gratification given the fact you are so " inexperienced". Look out for yourself, first and foremost.

 

Hmm good to know I'm not the only one. Perhaps another poster was right in that it's a muscle thing. I've never been to one of those doctors to get it confirmed...

I have seen a little porn, and got nothing from it except "eww that's really gross/demeaning." I've also seen enough sex scenes from various R movies and those did nothing for me either. I guess I've never seen the "tasteful" type you speak of. If you know of something in specific, PM me.

[Toddbt12y1]

Hmm good to know I'm not the only one. Perhaps another poster was right in that it's a muscle thing. I've never been to one of those doctors to get it confirmed...

I have seen a little porn, and got nothing from it except "eww that's really gross/demeaning." I've also seen enough sex scenes from various R movies and those did nothing for me either. I guess I've never seen the "tasteful" type you speak of. If you know of something in specific, PM me.

 

Try reading errotic stories? But here is the underlying problem: You find it gross and demeaning, you might not trust me, but that has a lot to do with it. It's the mental block. Instead of telling yourself it's gross or demeaning, say it looks hot and sexy. Visualize the person getting drilled as you, and play with your clit. You don't seem at all experienced in even masturbating and that is why you have such a rough time..

[Lego]

So everyone, I've been reading over past PM's, emails, texts with a different viewpoint, looking at the flip-side of our conversations. And I've decided to break it off with this guy. I'm just going to give him the cold shoulder (that he's been giving me anyway lately) and tell him I have a a big deadline, no time to hang out, and see if maybe he just loses interest.

 

I will still miss talking to him, he was a nice guy in his way... but I am no longer able to see him as loving and altruistic. Thank you all for the various advice. I think I've learned my lesson.

 

--------

 

ALSO, something else that's... weird about him, (something I forgot to mention) is that he deleted his profile from that dating site, not too long after meeting me. I asked him why, and he said that all the people he talked with there were uninteresting/boring topics, and that the only interesting conversation he had was talking with me.

[Wow. I can't believe I'm that "street DUMB." I now find myself wondering how many times he might've created and deleted profiles just so he could tell people that. (Is that a common thing people do? I'm curious to know...)]

Edited December 4, 2012 by Lego

[Toddbt12y1]

Yeah it is suppose to be common lol. you would hope for them to shut down their dating profile when they decide to R with you. If they keep it up. well that's the problem...

 

Anyway, if you would like to chat about anything hit me up us up on here be glad to help you with anything else.

[xpaperxcutx]

Hmm good to know I'm not the only one. Perhaps another poster was right in that it's a muscle thing. I've never been to one of those doctors to get it confirmed...

I have seen a little porn, and got nothing from it except "eww that's really gross/demeaning." I've also seen enough sex scenes from various R movies and those did nothing for me either. I guess I've never seen the "tasteful" type you speak of. If you know of something in specific, PM me.

 

Trust me, just because tampons were made for women, it doesn't necessarily imply all women are made for tampons. I also think it's because you're a virgin, your body isn't used to a foreign object up your private parts ( the action is similar to have a penis inserted inside you).

 

Anyways all porns and movies are not made equal. Perhaps, you need to ease yourself into the subjects with one from a softcore genre?

 

I started experiencing with my sexuality when I was very young and rather than having an "ew" moment, my experience was one of curiosity. You need to allow yourself to be open towards sex as an act of biology as opposed to something that's frowned upon. Think of it as a child being taught to like vegetables. It might be distasteful at first, but overtime, you will come to enjoy it and crave for it.

[Toddbt12y1]

Trust me, just because tampons were made for women, it doesn't necessarily imply all women are made for tampons. I also think it's because you're a virgin, your body isn't used to a foreign object up your private parts ( the action is similar to have a penis inserted inside you).

 

Anyways all porns and movies are not made equal. Perhaps, you need to ease yourself into the subjects with one from a softcore genre?

 

I started experiencing with my sexuality when I was very young and rather than having an "ew" moment, my experience was one of curiosity. You need to allow yourself to be open towards sex as an act of biology as opposed to something that's frowned upon. Think of it as a child being taught to like vegetables. It might be distasteful at first, but overtime, you will come to enjoy it and crave for it.

 

You are rather dead on. True, in google you can type in softcore, that might be better for you. Or even reading an errotic story, it will at least make you use your imagination. You have to slowly etch of any mental blocks, learn techniques, and relax. You will find an amazing feeling that can overpower you.