jack.desmond Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) I've been married to a wonderful women for 20 years. We have 2 great kids. We work, raise our kids, give them everything they need. I work full time. and she works full time. We are busy people. We don't often fight, we sit down together for about an hour at the end of the day, exhausted. I feel like we are only room mates now. We only have sex about 3 times a year, and we never go away together anymore. "Get use to it", she say's "We are parent's now". I will never leave, not now anyways. The kids are young and I don't want to screw it up for them. I've been thinking about cheating. Yes, I know. I know what your going to say. I want to know what it feels like to lust again, I want to have a love life, I don't want to be room mates, but she's doesn't see anything wrong. What should I do? Edited December 3, 2012 by jack.desmond more info
Newticus Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Don't. Some cheap lust is not going to be worth what it might cost you if she ever found out. And talk to her about it. You are parents yes, but you are also partners. Maybe you need to be the spontenious one and organize for a friend or relative to look after the kids for a day while you two just enjoy each other. Surprise her with it maybe, or plan it together so you both put in your 2 cents about what to do with the day. Maybe tell her you are feeling sexually frustrated. I'm fond of the lesson I've learned/am still learning that my partner is not a mind reader. You may have discussed it in passing, but maybe she doesn't realize just how much you still need her intimately? It's obviously a pretty deep frustration if you are considering stepping outside your relationship in order to statify it. She needs to know what's on the line (maybe not as in, "honey if we don't have sex, or passion or intimacy I'm going to cheat on you") but it's only fair to make clear to her what is going on with you. That way she has the choice to work with you to help solve the problem, or ignore it and let the pieces fall where they may. You love her and have created a family with her, she is owed that much at least. The fact that she may not be feeling the same level of frustration at your lack of private time does not mean in any way shape or form that she does not want private time with you too. Some people just deal with it differently or feel the effects of intimacy deprevation in ways different then your own. And to be honest it can be easy to fall in to a rut. Long days at work, young children and a house hold to manage are all very draining things as I am sure you are quite well aware of. You have to make the time for each other. Just as you make time to help your kids with their homework, or to take the car in to be serviced, the two of you are worth a bit of effort in the hope of staying together happily. And who knows, maybe in the course of your conversations she will tell you something you weren't aware of that is going on with her. Maybe she is feeling unattractive, or she is very stressed about something at work, etc. And that would give you a better understanding of her. It's not always easy and it sure isn't always fun, but you have to talk to one another.
Author jack.desmond Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Don't. Some cheap lust is not going to be worth what it might cost you if she ever found out. And talk to her about it. You are parents yes, but you are also partners. Maybe you need to be the spontenious one and organize for a friend or relative to look after the kids for a day while you two just enjoy each other. Surprise her with it maybe, or plan it together so you both put in your 2 cents about what to do with the day. Maybe tell her you are feeling sexually frustrated. I'm fond of the lesson I've learned/am still learning that my partner is not a mind reader. You may have discussed it in passing, but maybe she doesn't realize just how much you still need her intimately? It's obviously a pretty deep frustration if you are considering stepping outside your relationship in order to statify it. She needs to know what's on the line (maybe not as in, "honey if we don't have sex, or passion or intimacy I'm going to cheat on you") but it's only fair to make clear to her what is going on with you. That way she has the choice to work with you to help solve the problem, or ignore it and let the pieces fall where they may. You love her and have created a family with her, she is owed that much at least. The fact that she may not be feeling the same level of frustration at your lack of private time does not mean in any way shape or form that she does not want private time with you too. Some people just deal with it differently or feel the effects of intimacy deprevation in ways different then your own. And to be honest it can be easy to fall in to a rut. Long days at work, young children and a house hold to manage are all very draining things as I am sure you are quite well aware of. You have to make the time for each other. Just as you make time to help your kids with their homework, or to take the car in to be serviced, the two of you are worth a bit of effort in the hope of staying together happily. And who knows, maybe in the course of your conversations she will tell you something you weren't aware of that is going on with her. Maybe she is feeling unattractive, or she is very stressed about something at work, etc. And that would give you a better understanding of her. It's not always easy and it sure isn't always fun, but you have to talk to one another. Thanks, After 20 years together, I agree that it's worth saving. I'm feeling a little uncomfortable talking to her about this (my needs), It's been a long time. your right, I need to take control and plan some couple time away from the kids. This will be my challenge.
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