paras1te Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Ok so we broke off after a long term relationship. +4 years (living together etc) This isn't the girl that just has random sex etc. I would love to have a relationship with her, but just don't want to be a f*ckbuddy or anything like that. Now she asks if she can see my new place. And I denied, and suggested we go get a drink somewhere. She finds that ok, but also said you can also come over to my place and come watch bla bla.. So to me it seems like she wants things to escalate, maybe not but thats the question. Should I go to her place ? And should I then make things escalate. Or will this just seem to her like she can call me up to have sex with me, without any commitment. (She could also get buyers remorse) Because I don't want that at all. It's either a relationship or none, but maybe sex can help with achieving that. Any opinion or better experiences welcome !. Really don't know whats best.
TaraMaiden Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Am I right in suspecting she initiated/orchestrated the break? Please read the All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide in my signature. What she is doing, is not inviting you to consider having sex with her. What she is doing, is relieving her guilt for dumping you, by 'friend-zoning' you. In other words, she hopes that by being friends, this will show that she is not so bad after all, and this will help relieve her guilt feelings. This isn't about making you feel better. This is about making her feel better. If sex becomes the subject, I predict she will run a mile. I'm also thinking English may not be your first language? If I am correct, feel free to keep asking questions to clarify....
Author paras1te Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 english is indeed not my first language But could this really be guilt it's like 6 months after the breakup. And she broke up yes. But I told her not to contact me etc. So how would she feel guilty then. She sees I'm enjoying myself without her and I'm not showing too much interest, so would this be guilt then? Maybe pity for herself that I'm just living the good life now and she isn't.
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 But could this really be guilt it's like 6 months after the breakup. And she broke up yes. But I told her not to contact me etc. So how would she feel guilty then. She sees I'm enjoying myself without her and I'm not showing too much interest, so would this be guilt then? Maybe pity for herself that I'm just living the good life now and she isn't. OK, just read what you have written here. The obvious parts, I have made bold..... Basically, the bottom line, final word is, that she dumped you, but part of her does not want you to move on, and seeks assurances that any time she wants someone to be a comfort and companion to her -she can simply contact you, and can count on you being there for her. But she is filling your heart and mind with false hope. She is still being a part of your life, so that in fact, you cannot move on as much as you would, without her. My suggestion to you would be to tell her the following: "I still have deep feelings for you, and a big part of me would love for us to get back together again. Please tell me that this is your wish also. If you cannot say this, in all honesty, then I am asking you to not contact me ever again, because it is too painful for me to be with you, want to be with you, and not be able to be with you. Please respect my request: Do not contact me again. The next time we make contact, it will be me contacting you - and hopefully, only to tell you that I have managed to move on from loving you, and found someone else to share my life with. If you cannot share it with me, then I must go on with my life and find a lady who can." I bet she will contact you like a shot, because this will worry her. Even if she says, "OK then, if this is what you want." This will be a classic way of not respecting your request, having the last word, and still keeping in touch.
beyond Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 OK, just read what you have written here. The obvious parts, I have made bold..... Basically, the bottom line, final word is, that she dumped you, but part of her does not want you to move on, and seeks assurances that any time she wants someone to be a comfort and companion to her -she can simply contact you, and can count on you being there for her. But she is filling your heart and mind with false hope. She is still being a part of your life, so that in fact, you cannot move on as much as you would, without her. My suggestion to you would be to tell her the following: "I still have deep feelings for you, and a big part of me would love for us to get back together again. Please tell me that this is your wish also. If you cannot say this, in all honesty, then I am asking you to not contact me ever again, because it is too painful for me to be with you, want to be with you, and not be able to be with you. Please respect my request: Do not contact me again. The next time we make contact, it will be me contacting you - and hopefully, only to tell you that I have managed to move on from loving you, and found someone else to share my life with. If you cannot share it with me, then I must go on with my life and find a lady who can." I bet she will contact you like a shot, because this will worry her. Even if she says, "OK then, if this is what you want." This will be a classic way of not respecting your request, having the last word, and still keeping in touch. Tara! Where have you been? I've missed you! To OP - I think Tara is right - this isn't about having sex with you, it's about being friend zoned.
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Tara! Where have you been? I've missed you! To OP - I think Tara is right - this isn't about having sex with you, it's about being friend zoned. Hello dearest! Off line due to inability to pay broadband bill. Existing on a dongle right now, so don't know when this will run out, and whether I will yet be able to afford extending credit. Life's a beetch..... But there, here I am for now, things are what they are!
aed Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 i agree with Tara. She is probably just seeking validation. (I have an ex, she is like that. around every 6 months she contacts me. I always go along with it (not that want her back, I am neutral/negative in that department), but I always approach it with a mindset: "No let see, what you want this time".... ) I think it's difficult for some women, when they break up and see that their ex is moving forward, is happy and really enjoying his life. Because you are probably more attractive for her then around the breakup. Don't expect anything out of it and treat her as a very old friend that is coming over. If she want's you back, have sex etc she will make it clear or will be acting very approachable and flirty! Let her do her thing! Don't put any extra effort in it, then when a old buddy from highschool is comming over.
beyond Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Hello dearest! Off line due to inability to pay broadband bill. Existing on a dongle right now, so don't know when this will run out, and whether I will yet be able to afford extending credit. Life's a beetch..... But there, here I am for now, things are what they are! Ah, yep life sure is at times. Still, we'll enjoy you while we can! Paras1te - As she has agreed to your suggestion to met for a drink, I think it may be a good idea to go and see what she wants. I think you were right to turn down her suggestions to see your new place or for you to go over to hers - things could get intimate very quickly and you mat be left wondering afterwards where you stand. If she doesn't say she wants to be in a relationship with you and wants to work on why you broke up in the first place, then tell her what you told us here, that you don't want to be friendzoned - it's a relationship or nothing. xx
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