Living with the ex sucks

[emilywtf]

My husband and I are separated and getting divorced because of his alcoholism, abuse, and cheating.

 

For various reasons I am still living here and I absolutely hate it. He has a variety of women he dates, which is so hard for me because I cannot move on as quickly as he seems to. It also hurts because it feels disrespectful of our 10 years together... Which is probably silly, but the truth.

 

We fight constantly and I find myself so angry and bitter. I feel completely unlike myself. I consider calling his other women, I consider blocking their numbers from the phone line, I want to just be mean and eff up his stuff. If I talk to him I call these women his whores or say other nasty things about them. I am not that type of person... Or I thought I wasn't, maybe I am and never realized it?

 

I feel sick every day because he was the love of my life and he moved on before our marriage was even over. I want to scream and yell and kick things.

 

I am guessing all this is normal, my therapist didn't seem alarmed by anything I said, but I just feel... wrong.

 

The good thing is I will be out soon. He doesn't know but I found an apartment and will be leaving. If I tell him he may do horrible things like break my belongings, or change the locks on the house, or just continue with what I call his psychological warfare. He has already done all of this and more so I put nothing past him.

 

I wish there was a way to manage how I feel a little better. I exercise and try to immerse myself in school, I hike and talk to friends but it is always in the back of my mind and heart.

 

This is simply horrible and the pressure is quickly becoming more than I can stand.

[KatZee]

My husband and I are separated and getting divorced because of his alcoholism, abuse, and cheating.

 

This was the love of your life? New way of thinking: You haven't yet met the love of your life. You have so much life left to live.

 

You'll meet someone who will treat you right. These women he's "dating" must be real class acts. And who cares if they're whores, it's not like they're dating a real prize. He's still the messed up, abusive, alcoholic person he was when with you.

 

The best revenge is living well and I'm sure that's why he's being so vindictive. He doesn't want you to be happy. Don't stoop to the level he wants you. Just be civil. Paste a smile on your face. You know you have your new apartment and your exit plan. Just picture the look on his face the day he comes home and all your stuff is gone and so are you.

 

It'll be priceless!

[emilywtf]

He was until about 2 years ago when his drinking escalated and he became much more abusive and started to eff women 20+ years his senior or married women.

 

I realize now that I am in this situation that it is never as easy to deal with emotions as it appears from the outside. Having dealt with family and friends in abusive relationships you ask yourself, why don't they leave? It seems like it should be simple to just pack up and go.

 

But it turns out there is always something that stands in the way. Like how kind and generous they were when you met. How they have a substance abuse problem and you think, if they just get help... Maybe you are afraid to be alone (either romantically or just being by yourself). Maybe you are scared of the financial aspect of it. It could be a religious thing. Maybe they have kids. Maybe you think it is really you who is the problem and not them.

 

Maybe it is every last thing on that list, or none of them. Who knows? But situations like abuse do not follow a logical pattern even though when you are on the outside looking in you think they should.

 

On a side note, they are "classy". Usually old and fug, or married with kids. They are universally dumb as a box of rocks and no where near as attractive as I am (I am by no means a beauty queen but I am quite attractive none the less). They almost always have either self esteem or substance abuse issues or both.

 

I guess a big part of the reason I am so upset is... He calls THAT doing better? It sucks your self esteem to hear him say a 250lb 55 year old woman with brassy red dyed hair is more attractive than you. REALLY???

 

It sucks. I just feel angry all the time. I know it won't change until I am able to leave, but it will be another 2 weeks and it seems like the minutes just drag by...

[yessy21]

i like ur plan. I say leave no clue behind. other than his alcoholism....what else do you believe could be a factor of his dissatisfaction? I know what its like to live with someone who cheats on you... comes hommmee all F666^ ...and then verbally abuses you.

 

This is something you can surpass. Never think otherwise.

[Quest4_TheLost]

Heya Emily!!

 

 

I know thats really tough to go through I went through somthing similiar.

Is there really no where you could stay for 2 wks until you get your apartment? Friends family? Anyway I'm glad you found an apartment it sounds like you have the ball rolling nicley in the right direction.

 

I think all your hate and anger sounds very normal. Once you get out of there I'm sure you will feel much better and beable to compose yourself.

Congrats on not killing him!! Stay strong!

[emilywtf]

His father was a cheater/abuser and he grew up in that environment. I also believe he is looking for someone who will make him better- I have come to realize he is incapable of doing that for himself. He wants easy, he likes new. He always comes back to me, though I do not understand why. Maybe because I am the best he has ever found- Smart, pretty, kind, his family and friends love me, and I love him without condition. But because of his substance abuse issues I cannot know for sure. Maybe he simply wanted someone who is normal.

[yessy21]

Emily! sounds exactly like my past relationship. he always till the day of today.. comes back.

 

Usually the ones that have seen this stuff in their childhood dont want to go through this. noone can change anyone...only u can change urself. i think giving him alone time to lay in his vomit and piss is something that is needed. reality check usually follows after.

[emilywtf]

My emotions are very confused. I am sad and angry and heart broken and stressed and everything else at once. I just hate knowing he is out with other women, though if he was here with me now I'd be unhappy because he would be a drunken lout and that entails.

 

Not logical.

 

But gosh I wish I could figure out how to cope with this now. I feel ready to fly apart.

[amaysngrace]

I think it's normal to be going through a wide range of emotions. The life you thought you'd always have is gone. And that can make you sad.

 

You're leaving your marriage and that can make you feel like a quitter and a failure.

 

Facing life without him can be scary. You don't know how it's going to be in the future and that can cause fear.

 

I'd say see what you have there with him and how it's been for you these past few years. Wouldn't almost anything be better than that?

[emilywtf]

I removed him from my facebook today and blocked his page. One down, now just need to get credit cards out of my name, transfer cars and house, remove him from my phone... Oh, and move.

 

Lovely. Lots of ****.

 

I spoke with his mom tonight, she called to tell me again how sorry she is that her son is the source of so much pain and anger.

 

I told her that with his mental health and substance abuse issues he probably never stood a chance against his fathers influence. Research suggests that what a person experiences between the ages of 8 and 12 will be the primary building blocks of their character. Those ages he was watching his father cheat on and abuse his mother, and physically and emotional abuse him, as well. (I am a substance abuse counselor and end up doing lots of research on this sort of thing. Ironical, right?)

 

A child without the tools and help they need don't stand a chance, and he didn't get what he needed until it was much too late. At this point, unless he figures out that he needs help he will continue down the same path and probably die at a young age a slow and painful death like every other alcoholic.

 

If I break this down to a clinical study it does not hurt... For a while. Then I remember this is MY husband, MY love, MY best friend and the pain comes crashing down on me. I cannot wait until I can leave. Not being face to face with this every day will help and maybe some day I will be able to move forward and live my life with someone who feels about me the way I felt about him.

 

I keep thinking about what is the 'hardest' thing about all this. I don't know if any one thing is harder than the other because the vary widely and encompass so many different situations. Tonight, I am sad and miss my best friend. I told him everything, good-bad-ugly. It is hard to make it through a situation like this without your best friend, but when you best friend is the one who did this to you... The pain is overwhelming sometimes, like right now.

 

So how do you cope with this? How do I manage? Probably for now I will post on LS a lot, and try to exercise and bake and work on my studies. I have 6 months left, or less if I can cram. I went back to school to be able to have a job that pays well and offers a flexible schedule so he and I could have a baby. Now I am in school so I can build a life without him.

 

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. And yourself.

[yessy21]

Dude... im so sorry. I can feel your pain. Its hard but think about how messed up it would have been if you would have brought a child into that scenario. wouldnt it be harder?