Artie Lang Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 OP how can you be amazed that his wife still loves him/wants him back, when you are doing the same exact thing. he's put both of you through some ****, yet the both of you are still vying for this POS's affection. :::::SCRATCHING MY HEAD:::::
Artie Lang Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) Realist, I think you have it backward-- you're the little sliver. how in the world can you think that more people believe/feel the way you do about marriage/relationships, more so than what's being posted here. SERIOUSLY.....who signs up to be cheated-on.....oh, wait.....that's right......your wife did. Edited December 3, 2012 by Artie Lang 5
2long Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 1) I don't want him, yes I went back but that was pure sex nothing more. I certainly don't want a relationship with him Sex IS a relationship. 2) I do care for him, I've known him for a long time and I will always have some fond memories of him... that being said, again I do not want a realtionship Even without the above, this IS a relationship. I am totally in two minds: I could just get on with things in the ope that he sorts himself out or tell her. And then, even if I did manage to meet her, there is no reason why she would believe me Heck, I've never met you and I have no reason 2 believe you either. And yet I do. I think the bigger problem here is that you put far more stock in things he says and promises 2 you than either one of you deserves. The only way you're going 2 end this drama is 2 end it. Period. Cold 2rkey. No going back. No contact for life for any reason. How he's "doing" or how his BW is "doing" is none of your business, as has always been the case. best, -ol' 2long
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Realist, I think you have it backward-- you're the little sliver. how in the world can you think that more people believe/feel the way you do about marriage/relationships, more so than what's being posted here. SERIOUSLY.....who signs up to be cheated-on.....oh, wait.....that's right......your wife did. Because as a sample of the world in general in terms of these situations this forum represents a very VERY small sliver. Certainly, there are people of like minds that find solace and comfort here, but that is not to be taken as some sort of "de facto "consensus" on the issue. Look how many regular posters that you see here on this board. There may by 20-40 that respond on a regular basis/daily basis to the topics that come up. That is hardly a wide swath of opinion or experience on the topic. You have some distraught person google about infidelity and they find themselves here looking for advice. You have a small clique that chimes in and perhaps persuades them on which action they should take. And they speak as almost one voice because they have been reading about these stories for a long while now, and they tell people what they should do based upon what they themselves did. Nevermind that what they did may have been a total disaster, or may not be applicable to the particularities of the situation at hand. When someone offers a differing opinion they are lambasted. 1
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I am still expecting an explanation of what a guy who has not experience related whatsoever to this topic is doing in this forum, are you here to enjoy the pain? Does it turn you on? I would not go to a surviving cancer forum because I don't have cancer and while I can have some empathy I don't know what they feel... so what are you doing here? To get you to think beyond the boundaries you feel comfortable residing within.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I am still expecting an explanation of what a guy who has not experience related whatsoever to this topic is doing in this forum, are you here to enjoy the pain? Does it turn you on? I would not go to a surviving cancer forum because I don't have cancer and while I can have some empathy I don't know what they feel... so what are you doing here? Seriously meandmyself, who appointed you moderator?! 1
Owl Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) Because the BS's that post here a very small sliver of the world. Just because there is a group that has formed here in this forum does not in and of itself give validity to the advice many of you profer. Yes, we all here. "This is what you "BS" should do... What are the results? Someone the other day said, "It all worked out better in the end." How does she know that? She doesn't. So many on here offer advice like they are experts based solely on the fact that they chose the same path. That is not necessarily true. Someone offers up a scenario and the response is always the same, "Do what I did." Yes Agreed. The BS's who post here are a small sliver of the world. But...they're the sliver with the experience most like the "other BS" is likely to have felt...at least those that are here on LS. And even as a sliver...their numbers...and therefore the amount of experience in toto...compared to the numbers of folks AGAINST the idea of telling the other BS...along with the realization that the folks against the idea typically are on the "opposite end" of the triangle and have a completely different (potentially irrelevent or even contrary) viewpoint and 'agenda'...makes it appear to me that if I were looking for advice...I'd rather listen to those folks than the screamingly biased minority insisting otherwise. That sliver is still more well informed (from their own personal experiences), more likely morally aligned to that other BS's wants/needs, and a much more informed pool of folks than the onesy-twosey outliers with conflicting agendas/viewpoints. Why do you think you know better than they do? How is your opinion more relevent, or more informed than theirs? Edited December 3, 2012 by Owl 1
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Agreed. The BS's who post here are a small sliver of the world. But...they're the sliver with the experience most like the "other BS" is likely to have felt...at least those that are here on LS. And even as a sliver...their numbers...and therefore the amount of experience in toto...compared to the numbers of folks AGAINST the idea of telling the other BS...along with the realization that the folks against the idea typically are on the "opposite end" of the triangle and have a completely different (potentially irrelevent or even contrary) viewpoint and 'agenda'...makes it appear to me that if I were looking for advice...I'd rather listen to those folks than the screamingly biased minority insisting otherwise. That sliver is still more well informed (from their own personal experiences), more likely morally aligned to that other BS's wants/needs, and a much more informed pool of folks than the onesy-twosey outliers with conflicting agendas/viewpoints. Why do you think you know better than they do? How is your opinion more relevent, or more informed than theirs? I never claimed to "know better" than anyone else. I simply offer a take. The person can accept it or disregard it at their choosing. Conversely, there is a group here that believe "their" way is the only way, and any adice outside of that is attacked. Where I take issue is when the "group" offers their opinion as though it is irreproachable. "We have seen it, heard it... do this." There is a lot to be gained with experiences and understanding what may be taking place in a relationship, but there seems to be a one size fits all approach here which I find to be possibly counter productive.
Artie Lang Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 but if you're gauging by those means, and the representation is that small, then you are in an even smaller percentile. thus, it makes you that much more in the minority. no matter how you crunch the numbers, i'm willing to bet my life on the fact that many, if not most, people DON'T sign up to be cheated on. 2
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 but if you're gauging by those means, and the representation is that small, then you are in an even smaller percentile. thus, it makes you that much more in the minority. no matter how you crunch the numbers, i'm willing to bet my life on the fact that many, if not most, people DON'T sign up to be cheated on. Very true, but I am not trying to sell my point of view as a consensus the way some people here like to do. Like I said, take it or leave it. Of course they don't sign up to be cheated on, but it happens... a lot. The question is how do you and your SO move toward the future. Eveyone has their own path past that point. There is no "One" correct way.
Decorative Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Because as a sample of the world in general in terms of these situations this forum represents a very VERY small sliver. Certainly, there are people of like minds that find solace and comfort here, but that is not to be taken as some sort of "de facto "consensus" on the issue. Look how many regular posters that you see here on this board. There may by 20-40 that respond on a regular basis/daily basis to the topics that come up. That is hardly a wide swath of opinion or experience on the topic. You have some distraught person google about infidelity and they find themselves here looking for advice. You have a small clique that chimes in and perhaps persuades them on which action they should take. And they speak as almost one voice because they have been reading about these stories for a long while now, and they tell people what they should do based upon what they themselves did. Nevermind that what they did may have been a total disaster, or may not be applicable to the particularities of the situation at hand. When someone offers a differing opinion they are lambasted. I have never posted on an infidelity forum where the majority of BSes did not advocate telling the truth . It's not a small sliver. It's standard issue for infidelity forums. I can think of five forums off the top of my head that are quite large in population, and all endorse,by a high percentage, honesty. 4
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) I never claimed to "know better" than anyone else. I simply offer a take. The person can accept it or disregard it at their choosing. Conversely, there is a group here that believe "their" way is the only way, and any adice outside of that is attacked. Where I take issue is when the "group" offers their opinion as though it is irreproachable. "We have seen it, heard it... do this." There is a lot to be gained with experiences and understanding what may be taking place in a relationship, but there seems to be a one size fits all approach here which I find to be possibly counter productive. I'm getting to where I'd call myself a regular here...and I think there's a lot of disagreement among regulars. I could make a list of certain regulars and tell you how each one would predictably respond to a given scenario...and the responses would most definitely not match, yes even among the BSs. And I don't think everyone here recommends what they themselves did. A lot of posters here actually regret what they did...some who reconciled, and some who didn't. Tempting to name names, but I'll resist. For one, I feel I clash with a lot of people on how quickly divorce is recommended...though I do recommend it myself often when there are no kids involved...or the posters are kids themselves ^^ Also, I've hung out on the Surviving Infidelity site a bit as well...guess what?(larger community I think) If this groups tends to recommend one thing, so do the people over on the other forum....even in the Wayward section they have over there. I remember directing this one WW to that site, I think she expected them to tell her it was ok to keep her A secret. The veteran WSs all said the same damn thing...."Tell....live an honest life, trickle truth will destroy you." Some things just become apparent to people who have experience. Edited December 3, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband 3
SidLyon Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 ... I would not go to a surviving cancer forum because I don't have cancer and while I can have some empathy I don't know what they feel... Perhaps it's like the "cancer" went on to the surviving cancer forum. 2
meandmyself Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 To get you to think beyond the boundaries you feel comfortable residing within. Guys, this guy is just feeding in our pain... he is just having fun with all of this... This is sick.... and we are entering on his game...
2sure Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Please remember you can choose to ignore any poster that you feel is not relevant . There is a button, don't be afraid to use it. It's a wonderful tool! 3
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Please remember you can choose to ignore any poster that you feel is not relevant . There is a button, don't be afraid to use it. It's a wonderful tool! where is that button? I don't see it.
Realist3 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 How nonsensical is it for a dishonest cheat who is still cheating and advocates continued lying to the affair partner's betrayed spouse, to purport to give anyone "advice" about anything at all? This is a person who is completely morally and ethically bankrupt. Truly a twisted person. I'm not cheating. My wife knows.
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I'm not cheating. My wife knows. She knows but does she approves? That is the essence of a cheat... I am actually very sorry for your wife, she loves you enough to don't want to leave you even when she knows that you are deceiving her... The fact that she knows makes you feel higher morally? I am sorry, you are still a cheat...
Realist3 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 She knows but does she approves? That is the essence of a cheat... I am actually very sorry for your wife, she loves you enough to don't want to leave you even when she knows that you are deceiving her... The fact that she knows makes you feel higher morally? I am sorry, you are still a cheat... She is friends with the woman for goodness sakes. You don't need to feel sory for her in the least.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 She is friends with the woman for goodness sakes. You don't need to feel sory for her in the least. What you seem to be describing is an open marriage. You have told her not to expect fidelity and she for whatever reason can not bring herself to end the marriage. So it is at least a one sided open marriage, right? Or do you feel that she has the right to date other men while married to you? Some good friends of mine did something like this. It was the wife that told the H that she could not continue to be married unless he accept that she was going to date other men. She never brought them home for the night but she often had them pick her up at their home for a date and bring her back the next day. He did not like it at all but for whatever reasons felt powerless to do anything but accept it. He had permission to date other women but had no luck in doing so. I imagine your wife is in that position. I felt sorry for him and feel sorry for your wife. The other partner has all the power and the one left at home just has to accept the terms as dictated. They don't believe, and it may be true, that they have any better options. 1
Realist3 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) What you seem to be describing is an open marriage. You have told her not to expect fidelity and she for whatever reason can not bring herself to end the marriage. So it is at least a one sided open marriage, right? Or do you feel that she has the right to date other men while married to you? Some good friends of mine did something like this. It was the wife that told the H that she could not continue to be married unless he accept that she was going to date other men. She never brought them home for the night but she often had them pick her up at their home for a date and bring her back the next day. He did not like it at all but for whatever reasons felt powerless to do anything but accept it. He had permission to date other women but had no luck in doing so. I imagine your wife is in that position. I felt sorry for him and feel sorry for your wife. The other partner has all the power and the one left at home just has to accept the terms as dictated. They don't believe, and it may be true, that they have any better options. To my knowledge it is one sided. If she decided to go out with someone I sure am not in the position to stop her. But that is just not who she is. I didn't lay out any terms of what I expected or wanted going forward. She found out by my own carelessness, not because she was looking. Her exact words ending the d-day conversation were, "Just keep it out of my face." After about a year after d-day, my spouse and MW were seeing each other quite a bit at school and at social events and they struck a basic friendship and it has been that way ever since. My wife is no wallflower. While neither of us work, she is heavily invloved with a few volunteer organizations and serves on the board of a large retail chain, and she does a good bit of traveling. She was a very successful executive before we both retired.(we are in our early 40's) She's a hyper intellectual, type A personality, who has trouble connecting with people who are not on her level, be they male or female. There are no power issues in our relationship. She could divorce me tomorrow and live the same lifestyle she does today. I think one of the reasons she hasn't had any issues with it is because we have such a long history together and that no matter what she knew we would always be together. We have been married for 18 years, and have been in a relationship on and off for 28 years, starting when she was 14. During that 10 year period we had breakups, other BF's and GF's, and even a few pregnancies. But even when we were broken up, we were still together in the sense that we never stopped talking, or doing stuff together. Anyway, the fact that I slept with other woman was crossed a long long time ago. I think she knew eventually it would happen again, even though this was the first since our wedding. Another reason is that I am a very big part of her immediate family which is very very close. I'm the big brother to her younger sisters, the son her parents never had. He father and I have a very tight friendship. The fact that I am with a MW also keeps it out of her face. It limits our time together. There are lunch dates, tennis, golf etc., but nothing in the evenings which takes away from family time. Edited December 4, 2012 by Realist3
Artie Lang Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 exactly, Realist.....you're not cheating. like i said before, yours is a one-sided "open-marriage." if it works for you, so be it.
Decorative Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 where is that button? I don't see it. It's in your profile/user CP- look to your far left on the screen. Edit ignore list. Add peeps. Confirm them.
jnel921 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 If you know all of this why continue? You are hurting his M with your behavior and you want to stick it to his wife by telling her about her H being with you? Can you see your part in this or are you that far removed you truly beleive contacting him, sleeping with him, emailing and all of this nonsense makes sense? You said you don't love him. So why do it? Let's see.....selfishness and the fact that you don't care? If you decide to tell the W do it I person so she can kick your a$$. I wish my H OW had.
standtall Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 well Miss illusion..you look are looking like the "back up" plan to me. 1
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