Miss_Illusion Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I've been reading the forum for a while now and tried to take on board what mst have said but I think I really do need some personal advice. Back-Story: I was engaged and my friend was married. Known each other for 10 years. It became appareant a couple of years ago that we were falling in love with each other, both of us had problems with our respective partners. We trried to stop the feeling and limit contact but it didn't work. Eventually (through a lot of chasing on his part) we decided to start a relationship. I ended my engagement and he ended his marriage. A month later we moved in together. Everything was great, as though we should have always been. Almost a year later and he hadn't contemplated divorce, his wife hadn't even asked. He got legal advice but was very slow in action, he proposed to me and I accepted so thought that would spur him on. One month later he left me. Claimed he was confused with his feelings I'm one for talking things trhough and giving people time, so I did. I then found out he was cheating on me with his wife. She didn't know he was still with me. So he had been lying to her too. Another month went by, he apologised and begged me to take him back. I did- I was in love with him! Things were not the same, he was quiet and seemed distressed. He went to a friends house and didn't come back. He said he felt guilty about his wife and the hurt he had initially caused her. We were over with no chance of ever getting back together. Now, it starts getting messy! Months passed with NC from either of us. Then out of the blue I receive a Sorry card through the post. He apologised for everything and said that he didn't want to hurt but has now been diagnosed with Bi-Polar. His meds are helping him and his therapists has uncovered his feelings. I agreed to meet with him as I thought it would help. He knew exactly what to say and how to act and within a week we were sleeping together. I have never cheated before and can't beleive I put myself in the situation where his wife was sat waiting for him, not relaising he was with me. He wanted us to start again and was about to leave his wife again when, you guessed it, he changed his mind! We have mutual friends who were all aware of the situation. Turns out they contacted his wife and told her everything. She was understandibly upset but has stayed with him. They've been together for 13 years and (unbeknown to me, he has had 2 other short-lived affairs) Depsite the way he has treated me and his wife I still have some love for him- I don't want to see him hurt and if he was in trouble I would help if I could. I am not in love with him and would never have a real relationship with him. BUT...........He emailed and asked if we could be friends. I agreed, presuming he had the ok from his wife. We have sent thousands of emails in a 4 week period. I have slept with him a number of times and now I feel so guilty. I ended it at the weekend and told him to never contact me His wife is lovely but part of me is worried that she wil continue to love this man who is obviously not as committed to the realtionship as her and that one day she will relaise she has wasted her life with him. They don't have kids yet but I know she wants them, he doesn't but hasn't told her. My question to you darling people.... Should I tell her that he contacted me and that we have been having an affair? I honestly feel that she could do so much better and find a loving man who wants a family and will treat her right. I think I would want someone to tell me. Advise me please!!
TheOW Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 You are brave for posting that on here, be prepared to be slaughtered for your honesty. But my opinion is to walk away and dont look back you are worth more than him, his wife will obviously take him back no matter what he does. She will not walk away from him ... you can. 2
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) My question to you darling people.... Should I tell her that he contacted me and that we have been having an affair? I honestly feel that she could do so much better and find a loving man who wants a family and will treat her right. I think I would want someone to tell me. Advise me please!! Is this really your true motivation here? You have been sleeping with her husband off and on and now you suddenly feel some obligation or "concern" for her that she have a better life with someone else besides him? Edited December 3, 2012 by Realist3 2
TheOW Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 You have no way of knowing that, but whether she takes him back or not is irrelevant. She has a right to know what's happening to her. He has had affairs before and the poster has made out that the wife knew about them .... yes she has a right to know but if she's known about his past affairs the chances are she will take him back again and again.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Is this really your true motivation here? You have been sleeping with her husband off and on and now you suddenly feel some obligation or "concern" for her that she have a better life with someone else besides him? I don't often agree with Realist3 but here I do. When I read this post my first thought was there is something about the OP's motive that is not clear. That being said, I bet if the OP tells the wife the wife want to hear it. Sometimes good things come from people with bad motivation.
TheOW Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 And that's his wife's business and nobody else's. It's certainly not a good enough reason not to tell her. I never said it wasnt, i said that the poster should walk away and never look back.
meandmyself Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 My apologies. Your post sounded to me as if you felt that the man's wife would take him back no matter what so she shouldn't bother to tell the BS. I must have misunderstood your intent. At any rate, you're right, she SHOULD walk away....AFTER she tells the man's wife. You don't need to apologize, she did say that his wife would take him back no matter what he does... You are brave for posting that on here, be prepared to be slaughtered for your honesty. But my opinion is to walk away and dont look back you are worth more than him, his wife will obviously take him back no matter what he does. She will not walk away from him ... you can.
Spark1111 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 There are many web sites that address bi-polar disorder and those in relationships with them. Depending on the severity of it, BPs can average 9 to 14 sexual relationships during the course of a marriage. There is, obviously, a very high rate of divorce amongst BPDs. Tell the wife. If she is educating herself to the illness, she may not be all that surprised. Nevertheless, first they will need to find the proper mix of medicine for him, and then....and it could be months, they will address his infidelities. This is not an unusual diagnosis in EMRs.
Summer Breeze Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I do agree his W sounds like she will stay with him no matter what he does. The only thing is there is always a breaking point with anyone and I'm sure she would have hers eventually. It doesn't matter though. I think you should tell her and then let him know you've told her and at that time let them both know you're out of it entirely. You've wasted enough time on him and if you give her the information about your R with him she can decide what she needs to do. I hope you both dump him.
Author Miss_Illusion Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Thanks so far guys. I tried to get as much down as possible before, obviously left some out otherwise it would be an even bigger read! 1) I don't want him, yes I went back but that was pure sex nothing more. I certainly don't want a relationship with him 2) I do care for him, I've known him for a long time and I will always have some fond memories of him... that being said, again I do not want a realtionship 3) My concern for his wife isn't new. I have alwys made sure he tell her the truth (obviously didn't work) that he returned her calls and he wasn't rude to her. She has done nothing wrong here, both of us have. I am totally in two minds: I could just get on with things in the ope that he sorts himself out or tell her. And then, even if I did manage to meet her, there is no reason why she would believe me
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Then just move on with your life and have no contact with either of them. Telling the wife will only create more drama for yourself. 3
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Then just move on with your life and have no contact with either of them. Telling the wife will only create more drama for yourself. I think that if she were to walk away from this without telling the BS that would be like running over a pedestrian and not stopping. The damage is there. The least she can do is say she is sorry and do what she can to let the BS know about it. 2
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 "Here is my offer of repentence. I screwed your husband. He's not good enough for you, but I sure did enjoy his sex. Now my conscience is clear. Have a nice day and a very Happy Holiday's. See ya!" 3
Author Miss_Illusion Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Realist3.......I know I shouldn't but that really did make me chuckle:laugh:
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Thanks so far guys. I tried to get as much down as possible before, obviously left some out otherwise it would be an even bigger read! 1) I don't want him, yes I went back but that was pure sex nothing more. I certainly don't want a relationship with him 2) I do care for him, I've known him for a long time and I will always have some fond memories of him... that being said, again I do not want a realtionship 3) My concern for his wife isn't new. I have alwys made sure he tell her the truth (obviously didn't work) that he returned her calls and he wasn't rude to her. She has done nothing wrong here, both of us have. I am totally in two minds: I could just get on with things in the ope that he sorts himself out or tell her. And then, even if I did manage to meet her, there is no reason why she would believe me Not to sound harsh, but if you truly had this amount of moral concern for her you wouldn't have been having sex with her husband. I'm sorry, but it just rings hollow from this vantage point. 1
Owl Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 "Here is my offer of repentence. I screwed your husband. He's not good enough for you, but I sure did enjoy his sex. Now my conscience is clear. Have a nice day and a very Happy Holiday's. See ya!" I'm thinking that most folks were suggesting something with a bit different....wording...than this. I think she can tell the wife without continuing the drama. She should write up the information she wants to give the wife in an email, and send it to the wife from a "burn account" created solely for this purpose. Include whatever "proof" she wants to provide as well, and ensure that she clearly spells out that this is a one time informational contact only, and that there would be no replies or further exchanges. The send the email/proof, delete the account, and drive on. The wife now has the info...but if the OP is smart about it, she'll take measures to remove herself from the situation and some preventative countermeasures to prevent herself from being drug back in. Everyone's informed, and the OP is out of the situation. Simple enough...and no sarcastic remarks required to make it happen. Whaddya know? LOL! 3
Author Miss_Illusion Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Totally understand where you are coming from. When i said about him talking to her etc...that was when we were in a relationship and he has left her. Granted, I didn't think of her much when I was blatantly just sleeping with him. It's only after the fact that I start feeling terrible
Bryanp Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I think most certainly you should inform his wife. Let me ask you this: if the roles were reversed and your were the wife, wouldn't you want to be informed what kind of person your husband is? Do the right thing and tell her. Good luck. 1
pteromom Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I honestly feel that she could do so much better and find a loving man who wants a family and will treat her right. I think I would want someone to tell me. OK, I'll tell you - you can do so much better and find a loving man who will treat you right. Seriously, this guy is a mess. Disentangle yourself from this situation and let it go. If you want to send his wife a card or call or whatever on the way out, go for it, but then say goodbye to this whole mess.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I'm thinking that most folks were suggesting something with a bit different....wording...than this. I think she can tell the wife without continuing the drama. She should write up the information she wants to give the wife in an email, and send it to the wife from a "burn account" created solely for this purpose. Include whatever "proof" she wants to provide as well, and ensure that she clearly spells out that this is a one time informational contact only, and that there would be no replies or further exchanges. The send the email/proof, delete the account, and drive on. This is a very well thought out plan. The OP would do well to listen to this advice.
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I'm thinking that most folks were suggesting something with a bit different....wording...than this. I think she can tell the wife without continuing the drama. She should write up the information she wants to give the wife in an email, and send it to the wife from a "burn account" created solely for this purpose. Include whatever "proof" she wants to provide as well, and ensure that she clearly spells out that this is a one time informational contact only, and that there would be no replies or further exchanges. The send the email/proof, delete the account, and drive on. The wife now has the info...but if the OP is smart about it, she'll take measures to remove herself from the situation and some preventative countermeasures to prevent herself from being drug back in. Everyone's informed, and the OP is out of the situation. Simple enough...and no sarcastic remarks required to make it happen. Whaddya know? LOL! It is the same thing in the end, no?
Owl Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 It is the same thing in the end, no? Perhaps. Either way, the wife is informed, and the OP is removed from any drama that might be created. As always, I remain confounded at why you retain your viewpoint and stance on 'informing the other BS'...claiming that somehow doing so is wrong and not something she'd prefer...to the contrary viewpoint of every BS who posts here. If the ones who have been through something similar support the idea...what actual experience or information do you base your (differing) viewpoint on? 1
frozensprouts Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 honestly...the idea that "i can't tel his wife because I don't want t hurt her" or' it's not my business to interfere in his/her marrige" rings pretty hollow... an other man/woman will have just "interfered ' in their marriage and participated in something that will cause a lot of hurt to the betrayed spouse... seems more the reason for not telling is more like CYB ( covering your butt) than care and concern... if that is someone's reason, then why not admit that...why the big song and dance about " i don't want to cause them any pain"
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Perhaps. Either way, the wife is informed, and the OP is removed from any drama that might be created. As always, I remain confounded at why you retain your viewpoint and stance on 'informing the other BS'...claiming that somehow doing so is wrong and not something she'd prefer...to the contrary viewpoint of every BS who posts here. If the ones who have been through something similar support the idea...what actual experience or information do you base your (differing) viewpoint on? Because the BS's that post here a very small sliver of the world. Just because there is a group that has formed here in this forum does not in and of itself give validity to the advice many of you profer. Yes, we all here. "This is what you "BS" should do... What are the results? Someone the other day said, "It all worked out better in the end." How does she know that? She doesn't. So many on here offer advice like they are experts based solely on the fact that they chose the same path. That is not necessarily true. Someone offers up a scenario and the response is always the same, "Do what I did." Yes
meandmyself Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Because the BS's that post here a very small sliver of the world. Just because there is a group that has formed here in this forum does not in and of itself give validity to the advice many of you profer. Yes, we all here. "This is what you "BS" should do... What are the results? Someone the other day said, "It all worked out better in the end." How does she know that? She doesn't. So many on here offer advice like they are experts based solely on the fact that they chose the same path. That is not necessarily true. Someone offers up a scenario and the response is always the same, "Do what I did." Yes I am still expecting an explanation of what a guy who has not experience related whatsoever to this topic is doing in this forum, are you here to enjoy the pain? Does it turn you on? I would not go to a surviving cancer forum because I don't have cancer and while I can have some empathy I don't know what they feel... so what are you doing here?
Recommended Posts