PSmith Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I’ve seen many posts on this board regarding no contact. All of them have dealt with the person who was dumped and wants the dumper back. Well I’m the dumper, it’s been a month of no contact and I thought I would explain why no contact. I went out with my girlfriend for a little more than a year. Things were going great, and I began to think that this could be the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. However after all this time together some things started to happen that I could not accept. I talked with her at length about them. She agreed that it was unfair to me and promised to modify the situation. But after an additional 2 months she didn’t. I broke up with her, but we continued contact. Within 2 weeks she begged for me to come back, promising things would be better for me, that she loved me so much and didn’t want to not have me be a part of her life. Because I loved her I agreed and we got back together. Took less than a month for things to go bad again. This time I ended it with a request for no contact. She called a week later and I was very cold to her, and again repeated my desire for no contact. For me no contact is a way of minimizing the pain I feel, and protecting me from my own weakness. If she were to call during a moment of weakness, I know I would run back. But I also know that we would end up back here again. I’d given her many chances to work on the problems with me. All I got was lip service, and hurt several times. If she were to call me during my moments of strength and want me back, I would refuse, but it would just open up this slowly healing wound I have. And set me back in my recovery. I think about her everyday, and feel a great sense of loss for the relationship, before things went bad. But with every passing day of no contact I heal and grow stronger. Maybe another month or so and I’ll be ready to enter the dating world again. But I know this, if I were still in contact with her, I would be in a very bad place. Unable to move forward, trapped between my desire to see her, and the knowledge that she’ll just hurt me again. For me no contact is the only solution.
YellowLioness Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 there was a very similar post to this one yesterday, by ufc kev. One of the mods, Midori, also posted and said some good things that you may find encouragement from. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45197/?highlight=UFCkevin
stupidguy Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Sounds like you really didnt "dump" this girl. You gave her plenty of chances and she dumped herself. I would say the no contact rule does apply here. Being dumped abruptly with forced no contact by the dumper is completely different.
EC Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Yeah I didn't post on kevins because I didn't have time but I wanted to so I'm posting here. PSmith I respect you for doing what your doing. It's very hard to look beyond love and realize that the relationship is not a healthy one and that you need to move on. It's very difficult especially when you still love the person you just know it won't work and you just can't be with them. NC in this situation is acceptable because you are not doing it to get her to call you or win her back. Your doing it to heal and move on which should be the purpose of NC. I also believe that life is way too short to play games and all of you who are sitting at home playing the NC game knowing you could just pick up the phone and call them...your wasting your time. Life is short if you love them and want them, then call them and tell them. I agree w/ kev in the fact that its a waste of time and heartache. PSmith--not all relationships work out in the end and we don't know why but everything happens for a reason and so hang on in there and eventually everything will work out for you.
Papillon Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Sometimes the no contact rule is the best, even though it's the hardest, initially. I am intrigued, though, at the specifics of what happened between you two....
EC Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I know I'm dying to know what it is she did and why you left her? Hmmmm?
YellowLioness Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Awwww... you KNOW you want to tell us... (uses the Vulcan Mind Meld)
Dumbgirl Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Hi PSmith, I am guilty of being the same way with my boyfriend of 2 years. He broke up with me 6 weeks ago and we had an NC period of 1 month. This past Saturday night, I saw him at a nightclub holding another girl's hand. He called me after the club and apologized and we had a long conversation in which I explained to him that during this past month I have spent alot of time on my own realizing the awful ways I treated him. For myself, I know it was a matter of bad circumstances and timing. I had alot of stress in my life and became depressed because I didn't really know how to cope. I started searching for happiness in superficial things and I pushed him away in the process. I never cheated on him, but he probably thought I did. I am supposed to meet with him tomorrow to talk in person. I want a second chance with him. How can I show him that I really have changed for the better? At this point, could your ex-girlfriend do anything that would make you consider taking her back?? Please help!
YellowLioness Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 This is his thread, not yours. Perhaps you should post that as a seperate thread, or PM him for advice.
overseas2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Lets not get off the main topic which is WHAT DID SHE DO TO MAKE YOU LEAVE... Inquiring minds want to know.
YellowLioness Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Lol. I don't think he cares about our burning needs for information, Overseas.
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I have an idea! Let's play a game of "Speculate"! The one who guesses the reason most accurately, wins a prize! We'll decide on the prize later! The one who makes the most outrageous, but still plausible, guess, get's an honourable mention! My guess was that the girl was secretly working nights at a strip club, and doing drugs while she was at it.
EC Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 LOL Yellow Ralph was my ex's name lol anyways....I think his girl was addicted to drugs or porn or midgets?. Stripper I don't know..maybe? Everyone knows my addiction....Bunniieess Yellow: Reguest to please change bunnies name due to the fact that I already have problems w/ the bunnies(NC) and now they have my ex's name! Whataya tryng to do to me?
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Yeah, besides, if they were Rabbits then Ralph would be ok "Ralph the Rabbit", but because they're Bunnieees, then it should be something with a B. Bubbles the Bunny!
YellowLioness Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 The YellowLioness will thusly honor the request of the EternallyConfused. Help me name him, EC. :-)
SMF Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Psmith- I am curious as to what happened that you didn't want to stay with her? I give you a lot of credit for recognizing your feelings on the situation and being strong. I have to admit when I first read your post- I thought to myself. OH MY is my Ex writing this post. If you think that she could be the one- then would you guys have the opportunity to sit down and discuss the things that you wanted to have her change? I guess you did give her a second chance. Wow, good post. Its interesting to hear from the other side.
YellowLioness Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 To Papillion and EC: I think that his girlfriend is really an alien from the planet Zord-Shiest, and that she's cheating on him with Hans Solo and Chewbacca.
EC Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Thank you for honoring my request if you ever have one I will comply no questions asked. LOL As for the name I liked bubbles or as my co-worker suggested BOBO???? (my co-worker has issues) And Chewbacca is my Ex's brother so please don't say that name either! JK!!!!!!! BOBO da cool BUNNY!
YellowLioness Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I think these bunnies look like they need ritlin (sp?) Bunny before ritilin: Bunny after ritilin:
Fayebelle Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 The "dumper" often needs time to decide what they really want. Human nature tends to lead people towards the areas they were comfortable - i.e their ex- when that's not what they really want. If the "dumpee" cont. to call and make contact it leads the ex to the mindframe of "better the devil you know..." I have a hard time understanding why someone would want to be w/someone who has said they are no longer interested. Repeated contact that makes an ex "cave" and return does not equal a sudden epiphany that they made a mistake and have grown attached over night. How can you be happy w/someone you harrassed into "devotion" ?
Author PSmith Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Sorry guys, I posted yesterday and haven’t been back until now. Here’s the story for all who want it. As I’ve mentioned things were going great. Our kids (we each have two from previous marriages) met and got along fine. Later we had our parents meet at a BBQ. I couldn’t be happier. Then she got scared. See she was in a very bad marriage before I came along. I had the bad luck of being the first one out of the gate, if you know what I mean. She went from husband to me without any dating stops in between. I always had that concern in the back of my mind. I know from past experience that after a bitter marriage and nasty divorce, people need to not get into a serious relationship. Even though I knew this, I got involved anyway. I accept full responsibility for that choice. After a little more than a year, she started to back off. We use to talk 2 – 3 times a day, even if we were going to see each other that night. Then it just dropped to nothing. Some days would pass and I didn’t even hear from her and she didn’t return phone calls. After much discussion, she admitted it had to do with her being scared, and not sure of herself. We came to an agreement about backing off a little and giving her time to catch her breath. I thought it was a workable solution. But in that backing off, she started to hang out with other guys, then do “date” like activities with them. These were not guy friends that she had all along, I’ve meet those. These were new guys that she started to hang around with and knew nothing about me, many never even knew she was dating someone. Of course I knew she wasn’t cheating, yet. But it certainly was heading in that direction. At which point all I asked was that on some of these nights she went out, take me along. Let me meet these new guys, and let them know she has someone in her life that she loves. She accused me of being jealous. That’s the first time we broke up. Later when she called and begged for me back (2 weeks later), she said she would do what I asked for. Well needless to say that in the month following nothing changed. In fact it got worse. She had one of her new friends come over her house to help with the computer. She told me about it, and I thought nothing of it until the day finally arrived. He was coming over at 2pm, but she didn’t talk to me at all that day, not even a phone call in the morning before he came over. I called around 12, but she didn’t answer or call me back. I figured I’d leave her alone and trust her. Come 11pm I still didn’t hear from her so I called. This time she answered and told me the guy was still there, more than 9 hours later. She then blew me off and said she would call tomorrow. Which she did. Of course she spoke of jealousy again. But I think in this situation I had every right to be concerned. See although I feel certain she was not cheating. What she was doing was almost as bad. She was hanging out with other guys pretending that I didn’t exist. Enjoying their attentions and flirtations that she had missed during that bad marriage. Pretending that she was interested in them and available. Or maybe I’m just lying to myself and she had every intention of cheating. Either way it’s not healthy. So here I am. I know there may some people out there who feel that I should have just let things be. After a time it may work it self out. Let her do her pretending and wait and see. But I believe that every one has a level that their comfortable with. Part of being a healthy adult is knowing your comfort level and living within it. I was not comfortable with the way things were going. As she demonstrated to me she had no intention of taking that into account. OK guys there it is.
EC Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Man I was sooo wrong. She wasn't secretly doing drugs while watching porn with midgets named Chewbacca. Oh well I think you did the right thing. She wasn't ready and it's not that she's scared she's just not ready to settle down yet but she doesn't want to be completely alone and thats why she kept you around. Like I said before it's a good thing your mature enough to see the problem and walk away from it.
YellowLioness Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Well, I'm glad that you know what's healthy for you, and that you DID it. Sometimes, walking away can be really, really hard. So, good for you for being strong and not putting up with things you shouldn't!
Papillon Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 You sound like a great guy with his head screwed on straight. You have children to pour your love into. You'll be fine. (PS sorry about making fun of the situation )
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