Estate Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Hey, So here is my situation. I started seeing a girl lately, has been going reasonably well. We had a real heart to heart one night which seemed like a good thing but she told me she was engaged a while back. I got the impression that it was a few years ago. The story goes that she got together with a life long friend after a longterm boyfriend broke things off with her. Be basically confussed he'd always been in love with her and proposed within a few months. She shortly afterwards put an end to it as it was too fast and she wasnt really in love with the guy.... so thats the story I had from our talk. Anyway... so basically from her facebook page it's pretty obvious who this guy is. He's constantly posting stuff on her page. I hate to admit it but it made me look at a few things on her wall before we met. It's fairly obvious the guy is in love with her but she keeps him as her "best friend". I don't really think she's into him but they are friends and she hasn't brought him up to me in conversation. I only rally know which guy it is because he makes it so obvious... ... to be honest, some of the things he's posted on her wall I'd have a real problem with if I was in a relationship with this girl. There's some stuff you just don't say or write to another guys girlfriend. Not appropriate. One picture of her in particular was very inappropriate to which even she responded " Eh, when was THIS taken?" But things are still new with us so I'm being cool and not bringing it up until she does. At some point I guess I'll have to meet this guy. So, from what I get, she's not really into this guy but I'm expecting the whole "well he's my best friend and you need to accept him" stuff... which I'm just not into. He's an ex, worse an ex-fiance, they guy is obviously mad about her, I'll be "the bad guys" and he'll hang around forever waiting to be the knight in shining armour the second I mess up... I've just seen it all too many times before. I'm not doing it. For example it was her birthday last week. I obviously left her a nice message on her wall but like 30 seconds later he posted an even "nicer, sweeter" message.... which just came off creepy to me. I asked her to hang out today but she had plans with her sister so that's cool with me... but later tonight he began posting a bunch of pictures on her wall to make sure everyone knew she was with him today... it just doesn't look good. My feelings on these things are... ex's are in the past. Whether I'm the new guy or not is not the point. I don't hang out with my ex's and certainly don't want them around my new girl. I wouldn't be dating this girl if I wasn't looking to see if there is a future in it. So to me the person you are seeing NOW is the person you're looking to make a future with and I wouldn't be giving preferential treatment to people from the past.... unfortunately I know this isn't how everyone sees this kinda of situation though and as the new guy I'm guessing I'll be expected to accept him as being part of the package of being with her. So here's the thing. I'm not into ultimatums. If he is really her super best friend then fine. I'm not the sort to tell her she can't be friends with the guy if he's that important to her. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm prepared to handle it. I've seen these situations and they never work well. I just feel like I'll be setting myself up for a big fall by having to "get in good" with this guy to please my girl when really I feel it should be HIM trying to get on my good side for me to be comfortable with him being around my girl knowing what his intentions are. So whats a guy to do... Do I just let it play out and hope she puts more into a new relationship than an old one or do I just look at the red flags here and walk away. I do like this girl a lot.
aed Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) First do you guys have sex? edit: I overlooked the part that she said that she was going to her sister and was with him all day. If I where you I should do nothing: I would just lay back and she what she does, and tentatively look around. Let her make her point, if she wants something from you or wants more out of it she will make some effort. Also you should make sure it was a lie! The posted picture's where really taken the same day, mabey she had a change of plans during the day etc? If it was a lie it doesn't look good IMO, and I would find that disrespectful. Edited December 3, 2012 by aed
InJest Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Treat this relationship as sex only. Do not get involved emotionally. Keep looking for other girls while sleeping with her for an actual relationship. It will b easier to get a new girl if you're getting sex elsewhere.
aussietigerwolf Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 If she has lied to you then it ain't good. I also would feel very insecure if the ex was still sniffimg around
CC12 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I'm expecting the whole "well he's my best friend and you need to accept him" stuff... Well, yeah, that's what it basically boils down to, right? You said you only recently started dating her, so of course it would be crazy for her to get rid of her best friend (who was her friend long before they ever dated, it sounds like) for a guy she's just been seeing "lately." And you said you're not the sort to tell her she can't be friends with him, so you do need to be reasonably accepting of him, or just stop dating her. You don't have to "get in good" with her friends, you just need to be civil and pleasant to them so as to not drive her friends away or make her choose between you and them, because that's a real dick move. Also, what were the inappropriate photos/posts of?
crazylove Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 ... to be honest, some of the things he's posted on her wall I'd have a real problem with if I was in a relationship with this girl. There's some stuff you just don't say or write to another guys girlfriend. Not appropriate. One picture of her in particular was very inappropriate to which even she responded " Eh, when was THIS taken?" For example it was her birthday last week. I obviously left her a nice message on her wall but like 30 seconds later he posted an even "nicer, sweeter" message.... which just came off creepy to me. I asked her to hang out today but she had plans with her sister so that's cool with me... but later tonight he began posting a bunch of pictures on her wall to make sure everyone knew she was with him today... it just doesn't look good. . Inappropriate photo's?? How inappropriate are we talking here?? If they were inappropriate, probably needs to be addressed. ...and she lied to you about having plans with her sister to spend time with him??? HUGE red flag!!!! Bewarned....
DC4 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I was about to write a rant about how it's perfectly fine to be good friends with an ex-I am. My ex-husband is a very good friend and there is NOTHING romantic about it AT ALL. ...then I saw the part where she lied to you about where she was. I wouldn't tolerate that regardless of who she was with. I can't date liars. If she wants to be friends with him, whatever. If she wants to hang out with him and feels she should lie about it-red flag. If you like her give her a chance to explain. Maybe she knows how you feel and didn't want to hurt your feelings. You certainly don't owe her that, though. 1
Author Estate Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Yeah, so... The photo I wasn't too happy about was a photo of her in a bathrobe with the caption "good morning ;)" I mean, I wouldn't even post a pic like that of my own girlfriend, let alone post it of another girl. That's just me but if this girl becomes my girlfriend and he were to post such a photo, well, I'd be seriously not happy. There's been some more iffy stuff too. I'm not sure what to think of yesterday. She didn't cancel on me so Im not mad. We were chatting on the phone earliy in the afternoon and I asked if she felt like coming over but said she was meeting her sister. So I had no problem with that, we didn't really have plans, it was just checking if she might be looking for something to do. But put it this way... if it's all very innocent why would she not say "I'm hanging with my best-friend/ex"?? Thanks for all the advice. Yeah, I'm just a little confused. I like her, nothing has exactly happened yet in terms of this guy since we're still new-ish and haven't exactly met every single last friend of the other but it's coming...
Recommended Posts