Stillgrowing Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Recently I met up with old high school friends. This is the second time we have met up in the past year. Before that it was about 20 years, we've all recently connected on fb. The first time it was me and another female friend and four guys. Last time 3/4 guys were married, I'm married, and the other female had just started a relationship. Several months back, we planned to meet up but the other female and I had to cancel at the last minute. The guys met up. Recently, we arranged to meet again. Once again the other female cancelled last minute (this is a thing of hers, has been since hs). I went out and met them for a few hours but had to leave because I had a date night planned with hubby. This time it was 3 guys and me. We are all planning on meeting up again in a month or so. Again, I plan on going whether the other woman goes or not. We have talked about having an outing with spouses, but only one of the spouses seems interested and that's probably because she hung out with us in high school when they met but wasn't super tight with us...they met at the end of high school right when we were going our separate ways. My husband doesn't mind, none of the spouses mind (I don't think I could go if a wife had an issue) but a friend of mine said that her husband thought it was really, really weird. I enjoy having a couple drinks and chatting with this group, it's literally like no time has passed when we get together and start talking. No one has hit on anyone, we actually mostly talk about spouses and kids since that's what our lives are about. As far as I know, the guys talk one on one. The other woman and I only communicate with them as a group, she and I talk one on one. Each time we've gone out, one will text to make sure I'm home okay as they usually carpool together. The texts are literally: "let me know when you are home safe" "I'm home" "K" And then there is no texting, just group emails to plan the next outing. What's the concensus? I'm not looking for permission or justifying it, I didn't think anything of it until my friend's husband commented on it and then I read some comments about opposite sex dinner dates. Is this different because it's a group or still looked upon badly? I think the whole male/female as "just friends" dynamic is interesting. I was always the girl who had mostly guy friends until I got married and that didn't seem so kosher anymore. sg
Saba Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I was really suprised by the thread about males and females being friends. I have male friends. I would not dream of cheating on my partner with any of them. I don't lie about conversations, facebook stuff, text messages or smoke signals that I get or send to any of my friends. If you can talk to your husband honestly about what you are doing then I don't see any harm. I think this opinion might be in the minority though......
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I was really suprised by the thread about males and females being friends. I have male friends. I would not dream of cheating on my partner with any of them. I don't lie about conversations, facebook stuff, text messages or smoke signals that I get or send to any of my friends. If you can talk to your husband honestly about what you are doing then I don't see any harm. I think this opinion might be in the minority though...... I agree and further think that appropriate opposite-sex friends are a sign of a healthy marriage. I play a lot of tennis, my wife doesn't. I have several female partners that I play mixed events with including the occasional away tournament that our spouses may or may not travel to. It's all transparent and above board and has never been a cause for concern. My wife also worked with mostly male colleagues with whom she occasionally socialized, sometimes I went and sometimes I didn't. Neither of us worried because we were never given a reason to... Mr. Lucky
mammasita Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I'm personally not a fan of one on one male/female friendships when in a relationship but what you describe, OP (as well as the other post), seems perfectly fine. I think the key is transparency. As long as you aren't hiding anything from your husband and you're not de-prioritizing him (and you mentioned that you left one of the get togethers early for date night *thumbs up* for that), I don't think its weird at all. Do you extend the invite to your husband when you have these get togethers? 1
pteromom Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I don't think there is anything at all wrong with what you've described. I also don't think there would be anything at all wrong with going out with one of these men for dinner alone - as long as you are honest with your husband and aren't attracted to the guy-friend. No biggie.
Author Stillgrowing Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 The first time we all went out was in my 'hood, so I asked my husband if he wanted to walk up with me to meet everyone. He said, "Um, no, I have no desire to hear high school stories that I have no reference point for". I haven't asked since, but he knows that anywhere I go, he can go. If he seemed weirded out or irked about it I would definately offer it up. He met them all long, long ago. I had dated a guy in the group very seriously for three years so he felt a little off about hanging out with them. The guy I dated does NOT come to these outings. They lost touch with him. I've already joked that if he comes I need advance notice so my husband can come with. That is a line I would draw.
standtall Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Stillgrowing....I will dissent with the posters here. if you keep this up, it will progress into some type of emotional connection. Of course now it is about spouses and family, but it will turn into you getting marital advice from one of them, and then yada yada yada. Happily married people do not and should not seek companionship from members of the opposite sex..married or otherwise..that are not related to them. You have left that part of your life behind to join with your spouse..now move on from there and socialize with other people of your old friends..as couples. Just read the train wrecks here...don't say you were not warned.
movingon12 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 The issues here are openness, trust and respect. Are you open with your husband about where you're going, who you're going with and why you're going? Yes. Does your husband trust you completely? Yes. Do you respect your husband's feelings enough that you would avoid doing something he might feel uncomfortable about (e.g. if the ex were to come along, prioritising him over your friends)? Yes Therefore, I don't see a problem with it at all.
Author Stillgrowing Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Standtall. I respect that perspective, but we already have our emotional connections established. These were some of my closest friends. There isn't any physical connection or attraction on anyone's part. Some of my other friends messed around and hooked up with these guys. I didn't. I did have a very turbulent relationship with a guy in the group (who as I said before doesn't attend these get togethers) and these guys were my shoulders to cry on through all of that and nothing was done. One did laughingly confessed that the first time he asked me to hang out in hs he was trying to pick me up, but that quickly turned into a very sisterly/brotherly relationship-seriously to the point that I don't think either of us could think of each other in a romantic way at all. He and I were the connection between my female friends and his male friends and a whole group was born out of our friendship and like I said, some of my friends and his friends hooked up but I was always on the outside of that.
standtall Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) Standtall. I respect that perspective Hey you asked...what did you expect, everyone to agree with you? As a matter of curiosity, if you are so sure of your perspective, then why did you ask? Is more than just that one husband giving you a hard time? I'm more curious as to why your husband is so cool with it? Is he up to something? Most men will not play a "gay friend" to an attractive woman for long.. most men expect that it will open up door or two. Heck most men cannot emotionally invest into their own wives.... they are sure as heck not going to emotionally invest into a woman that is not their wife for long unless they think they may get some. Now, if my wife came to me with a plan to catch up with some old male friends, I would be cool with it being once or twice, but no way to a regular basis type of situation. IMHO, You're playing with fire. Edited December 4, 2012 by standtall
Mr. Lucky Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Heck most men cannot emotionally invest into their own wives.... they are sure as heck not going to emotionally invest into a woman that is not their wife for long unless they think they may get some. Wow. Very broad brush being used. OP, I'd be leery of any advice that references "most men"... Mr. Lucky
standtall Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 (edited) Wow all you want..I call it the way i see it. Most men here in the US are watching football every weekend, drinking beer, and hanging out with their buddies watching commercials of the lingerie bowl, and are not tennis playing, touchy feely types, posting to an online relationship forum. By the sound of the OP's post..with her going out drinking with 3 old HS buddies....I would warrant a guess that her husband would fall into "most men". So my brush, however broad it may be, IMHO covers most men. OP, I would be leery of getting marital advice from this forum in general. If you want good marital advice, go to a forum where the couples have been happily married for years. Edited December 5, 2012 by standtall
BetheButterfly Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Recently I met up with old high school friends. This is the second time we have met up in the past year. Before that it was about 20 years, we've all recently connected on fb. The first time it was me and another female friend and four guys. Last time 3/4 guys were married, I'm married, and the other female had just started a relationship. Several months back, we planned to meet up but the other female and I had to cancel at the last minute. The guys met up. Recently, we arranged to meet again. Once again the other female cancelled last minute (this is a thing of hers, has been since hs). I went out and met them for a few hours but had to leave because I had a date night planned with hubby. This time it was 3 guys and me. We are all planning on meeting up again in a month or so. Again, I plan on going whether the other woman goes or not. We have talked about having an outing with spouses, but only one of the spouses seems interested and that's probably because she hung out with us in high school when they met but wasn't super tight with us...they met at the end of high school right when we were going our separate ways. My husband doesn't mind, none of the spouses mind (I don't think I could go if a wife had an issue) but a friend of mine said that her husband thought it was really, really weird. I enjoy having a couple drinks and chatting with this group, it's literally like no time has passed when we get together and start talking. No one has hit on anyone, we actually mostly talk about spouses and kids since that's what our lives are about. As far as I know, the guys talk one on one. The other woman and I only communicate with them as a group, she and I talk one on one. Each time we've gone out, one will text to make sure I'm home okay as they usually carpool together. The texts are literally: "let me know when you are home safe" "I'm home" "K" And then there is no texting, just group emails to plan the next outing. What's the concensus? I'm not looking for permission or justifying it, I didn't think anything of it until my friend's husband commented on it and then I read some comments about opposite sex dinner dates. Is this different because it's a group or still looked upon badly? I think the whole male/female as "just friends" dynamic is interesting. I was always the girl who had mostly guy friends until I got married and that didn't seem so kosher anymore. sg I think it's ok to have friends of the opposite gender, as long as everything is transparent and out in the open. For example, I have friends who are guys, but my husband knows about them and doesn't mind. He trusts me and knows I won't cross any line into cheating, because he knows I love him and my word is important to me. Good advice though that I received from my mentor has helped me establish and keep that trust: 1. Always let your husband know about who you are talking to and what you're saying. Keep communication open and good. 2. Always talk POSITIVE about your husband to your guy friends. Make sure they know you love your husband and don't cheat on him. From what I have noticed, my guy friends respect that I love my husband and am faithful to him. I think some wish that more women were faithful and loving to their husbands or boyfriends. 3. NEVER talk bad about your husband to your guy friends. If you have a problem with your husband, you need to first communicate with him. If y'all are having problems with communicating well, it'd be awesome to share the issues with a counselor. However, guy or girl friends are not supposed to be counselors because they merely take your side, for the most part. They are not objective, normally. 4. NEVER be alone with a guy friend. This is very important because temptation and rumors can creep up unexpectedly. I think it's good that you socialize with a group of people, both male and female. It would be awesome if your husband goes too. However, some people aren't as social as others. I drag my husband to social events. Without me urging him, he wouldn't go! He likes it though (once or twice a week... too much he feels a bit stressed) because it takes him out of his comfort zone and into enjoying time conversing with other people. So, I would encourage you to gently and with consideration encourage him to hang out with you and your co-ed friends once in a while, so he can grow in that area and grow friendships too! 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 and are not tennis playing, touchy feely types, posting to an online relationship forum. I resemble that... Most men here in the US are watching football every weekend, drinking beer, and hanging out with their buddies watching commercials of the lingerie bowl, Stereotypical and meaningless... Mr. Lucky
standtall Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Stereotypical and meaningless... Mr. Lucky To you jack..to you. The rest of us here in reality know our roles.
Author Stillgrowing Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Ok, I should have kept "myself" out of it and not answered standtall's post directly because I actually was just curious about the perception in general and not my situation. I'm very comfortable in it and my husband seems comfortable with me going out with them (and really, this isn't a regular thing like once a month, it was recently and a year ago and we're shooting for two months from the last one bc it will in all actuality be another 2 months before a date works for us). I do "emotionally" connect with people. I have to say, I haven't made any male emotional connections since I married, but because we all were so close there were emotional connections established 25 years ago. I don't think those disappear over the years. I also don't think they jepordize a relationship unless someone is willing to let it and there are underlying feelings. And as an FYI, I hardly, if ever, drop my panties in parking lots. sg
redtomato Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I am female and I have both male and female friends. My partner doesn't agree with this. However, I've introduced her to all my friends. I will invite her to go out with us but she always says no and then jumps my case when I get home. But I will not give up a friendship of 30 yrs because she is insecure. She is that way because she herself has cheated. But I would never dream of cheating. Even if everything was kosher between us, I would't give up my friendships. People say you are setting yourself up to cheat. I say bullsh*t. If someone in a relationship wants to cheat, they will. Keeping a short leash on your spouse isn't going to stop that person from cheating. Have your friends. 1
Author Stillgrowing Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 Did it ever occur to you that maybe it's a concern your friend herself also has, but being your friend, figure the message might be safer coming second hand as her husband's concerns being expressed? No, it genuinely was her husband and to that my husband said he felt he must be expressing some of his own insecurities. If you want to be blind to it you can be blind to it but there are real-life people who think what you are doing is inappropriate, people who know you, and for every one who would mention something to you, there are ten more who think the same thing but don't bother. The only person who really matters is my husband and he's fine with it. He knows he can come with at any time. How do you know this? Are you psychic? Or are you just assuming all my friends think like your friends? The question is why. Are they all stupid? Oh I know...they're all jealous of all the attention you're getting. Yeah that's the ticket. Hm, never said anyone was stupid and I never thought anyone was jealous. You've created quite the scenario in your mind. Who damaged you so badly that you are so very hostile? Oh, I know, you post inflamatory remarks based on nothing so that when someone posts a rebuttle you can get all indignant.
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