laneyboggs Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 This has happened twice now, and I'm starting to worry there is seriously something wrong with me. I can't ask the guys who rejected me, and I feel weird asking my guy friends, so any input would be majorly appreciated!! I got out of a LTR a few months ago. I'm definitely not ready to date anyone else, but to fulfill sexual needs I've been trying to get into an ongoing, non-exclusive FWB situation. Isn't this supposed to be guys' dream arrangement? The first guy I met very soon after the breakup. I wasn't completely honest about my intentions at first (mostly because I didn't know myself yet), but it became clear a few weeks in that I didn't want anything serious. He was older and had exited a LTR himself some months earlier. For the first month he gchatted me every day and we would sleep together 1-2 times a week. We'd often spend the night together and have pleasant conversation in bed--the friends part, right? He became scarcer and scarcer, and eventually stopped responding to my attempts to communicate at all. I thought we got along great, and he pursued me pretty aggressively at first so I don't think it's that he doesn't think I'm attractive. What, then? The second guy I was introduced to by a friend while very drunk on Halloween. I went home with him purely because I was horny and I liked his costume. Then, after (1) learning he was a sexual savant and (2) spending a very enjoyable next morning cuddling and talking in bed, I became open to his prospect as a FWB. We hung out the next week, but he was stand-offish and his roommate was around so I eventually headed home. I bootycalled him a couple weeks later and we had great sex and conversation. He made a date for the next week, which he canceled, and he turned down my next bootycall because he was tired. He's kind of an odd guy, so I figured it was his style to be a little aloof. Then I learned last night that he's been texting the girl who introduced me to him nonstop trying to hang out. She's gay, in a relationship, and definitely not interested. What am I doing wrong here that makes the idea of NSA sex so unattractive? I think I'm pretty desirable--I'm 25, blonde, thin with a figure, and get hit on regularly. I'm also sweet, polite, smart, and going into a high-paying job when I graduate school this year. Could there be something about my looks or personality that I am completely missing, or does something justify being rejected like this?
suladas Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I think you found two gay guys that are still in the closet..... No guys who are ok with a ONS in the first place will turn down a FWB situation with a good looking women. I would give anything to get in a position like that, yet to find a women who wants it though.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Just because a guy has sex with you a few times or for a short period of time, doesn't mean he wants you to become a FWB. There's a lot of misconception here that men have high sex drives, that's why they seek out sex...when actually they're just horny over the prospect of having sex with something new and maybe at the time. Once the chase ends and the challenge disappears, the guy will start to peel back his efforts and interests because there's a gradual amount of effort or expectation tied into it as well as becomes repetitive...you see guys are pretty lazy in general, they don't want to work too hard for something or create a process they have to be responsible and accountable for, they'd rather just stay in that area where they're not really building any kind of significant friendship or closeness with you...that way they can detach and keep their lives independent. Also If you're a FWB, you're just someone for the interim, not the person they are ultimately seeking. That means if something better comes along they're going to jump ship and pursue that. Also "I'm also sweet, polite, smart, and going into a high-paying job when I graduate school this year." Men don't care about that for sex, most of the time he's pursuing just based on your physical attractiveness...those other things only matter if they want to pursue something more, but men decide right away what rung on the ladder you are, so it doesn't really matter how other men treat you or how desirable and quality you feel...you're not the one deciding that for the man. Ultimately for these guys, you're just not it. They might keep you in the black book somewhere in case things get boring but also realize this...the average man has a pretty fragile ego and confidence level, few men are truly confident, most of it's just a facade or attitude. So basically you need to pretend you are into him and think he's a great guy and like you want a relationship with him because he's so awesome, that way he feel pursued and tell can tell himself he's got to push you away...once you start acting indifferent and aren't pursuing him...most guys are going to feel in a way rejected or undesirable, because they're so used to having women pursue them strongly, even the average guy expects that because women are in general that way. If he feels ignored or like an option, men will get mad because they are possessive, then they'll just move on and sleep with someone else for that confident boost again. Bottom line is not all men are interested in a FWB, it's more about the pursuit and the thrill, the conquest...than the plateau of just feeling like you're dating someone or in some pseudo relationship...and then women will say they are "confused" because they're spending so much time together and it seems like more Personally I have a high sex drive, so a FWB or a relationship would be my preference not only for consistently high amounts of sex but because I'm not really into the casual sex either, I've talked to men before who are into it and they didn't need it all the time, they were more about the thrill of the hunt...they weren't looking for something consistent and the same. Also remember a lot of guys put in a lot of effort and swooning in the beginning...then they exhaust themselves and have nothing left, because to sustain that for them is too much...they just do it in short bursts because a lot of women judge the man based off a very short period of time so that's where they concentrate their effort...they're like a car that only goes fast on the take off but the top speed is quite slow. There's too much to mention here in one post, but this whole excitement level of some guys who are like "OMG a FWB I would totally love that and that's exactly what I'd want"....but It's kinda like when you get your drivers license for the first time "OMG, I'm going to drive around everybody like all over the place, I don't care where and who it would be so awesome"....a few months later it's "damn gas is expensive...I don't feel like driving anymore...I hate traffic...I just want to relax not focus on the road..ugh I don't feel like going there"...that exciting doesn't last, then you're onto something new, maybe someone who excites you more, or is better in bed, or you have a thing for...whatever it is, it's the same thing that keeps people interested in dating new people. 5
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 OP, my recent FWB ended pretty much the same. I think that's normal though, FWBs are not meant to last for any period of time and can get stale and boring. It is even my preference not to have the same FWB for more than a few months because after that things can get weird, there can be level of attachment that I would rather not deal with. If you are a FWB, then by definition something is missing in your connection to become more and what you describe and the amount of contact you had was more like pseudo dating....seems like you expect too much from it.
ascendotum Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Hey in both those 'flings' you did end up with nsa. You wanted an ongoing fwb relationship but from reading your post I got the impression you did not make it clear to these guys that was what you wanted....so no agreement and also no rejection..though you feel rejected. Your description of yourself...the first part sounds fine for a guy, the 2nd part is not all that relevant for the fwb as NP outlined. These other guys may have other options they are pursuing...other girls just like you...or something more permanent. Unless there is a good personality chemistry or both parties are very time restricted to pursue others, I think most fwbs will fade before 3 mths as sex is not as scintillating and if the guy can get one with a fairly good looking chick, he can score more women for whatever he is looking for fwb/str/ltr. I can understand why you are wondering why they are still not calling you up (they still likely might in a dry spell), and a lot of guys for sure would still be texting you, 'hi there what you doing tonite', each week. You certainly can't say there is a trend here yet and its you as the common denominator. As for your personality being a factor, there is no way we can tell. When the next 6 guys fade off quickly, well then yeh somethings up.
Author laneyboggs Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Thanks guys! I really appreciate all your advice--what you're saying makes total sense. And yeah I know the second sentence describing me doesn't matter for FWB but I guess I wanted to make it clear I wasn't psychotic and unhinged. It still sucks to get your sexual advances blown off by a guy so he can fruitlessly pursue your friend but you win some you lose some! Hopefully the next six guys won't go similarly, but I feel much more assured now that I don't have some fatal flaw.
bobsmith76 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 You have nothing to worry about here. Some guys, maybe most guys, when they're looking to score with a girl, their appetite can be satiated after doing the girl just one or two times. The more times you do it the more entangled emotionally you become. Most likely the guys you did it with wanted to score and move on before things became messy.
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