GF of 4 years needs a break to find herself, and under the circumstances I believe it

[jmac921]

Hey there, usually when I hear that somebody want to "take a break" I roll my eyes and think they just can't muster up the courage and break up with their significant other. That said, I find myself in that exact situation. First a little history about her past and us. Her father left her and her mom not long after she was born, and her mother wasn't always a model parent in her childhood years, and passed away 4 years ago, right before we began dating. All she has left for family now is an Uncle. So outside of her 2 or 3 best friends, I'm all she's had for the last 4 years. Growing up she had to learn to be dependent, and has stated before that it scares her how much her happiness depends on me. We've been getting along well lately, and I was honestly caught off guard by the whole thing. My family has become her family and she loves them as her own. Recently my brother got engaged, and my family was kidding around saying "Your next" to me and my GF. On top of that my brothers fiance was expressing how she loved that they would both be family once we got married as well. Since all this, she's kinda been freaking out, and has asked me does it ever freak me out and stuff. I told her, I didnt' know what the future holds, but that I loved her and pictured her in it. We talked a little bit more about it and I thought that was that. Then last Monday she was acting a bit odd, and was very quiet and distant. I kept prodding and she said that it was nothing, I kept persisting and she eventually said that she's been getting too freaked out recently and needs a break to figure her **** out. She stayed for another 4 hours as we talked about it, and I felt as if I was the one breaking up with her. She wouldn't stop crying and was saying that she prolly just made the biggest mistake of her life and was scared that while she was figuring things out I would move on and find somebody else. In the midst of crying she asked if there was any chance I wouldn't tell my family, because she honestly does want to get back with me eventually and is afraid they'll won't like her for doing this to me. I said I obviously wasn't going to pretend I was in a relationship if I wasn't, and if she was that sure we were getting back together, then why couldn't we just work on this together? She claims time apart was the only to reassure herself that she was making the right choice of spending the rest of her life with me. She says that I did nothing wrong, and she still loves me, but the whole "forever" thing just freaks her out. I told her couldn't just wait on the sidelines too long and wait on her to decide to come back to me. But honestly I can't picture myself with anybody else. I know if it came down to it, I would eventually move on, but right now I'm just really confused. I get the whole freaking out thing, but I don't understand how if she still has feelings for me that she can just put our relationship on hold while she figures out her life.

[todreaminblue]

I dont understand the time out break thing....its break or make...after four years together....counselling might have come in handy without the need to break up.....she could have explored her fears and freak outs with a neutral party without having to keep you on the sidelines guessing..then decided to break up for real if you were not her forever guy and let you move on and her as well.......time out....is for a football match not a committed relationship....i wish you the best....good luck......deb

[jmac921]

She couldn't get too much out in person, so she message me this to try and explain.. Sorry it's so long

 

 

 

Jerry,

I am clearly not very good with my words lately, so I thought writing this down would be helpful.

First of all, I do love you Jerry, and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, or make you sad. I didn’t want to bring any of that up yesterday because I still have no idea what I want. I have been keeping it in, but as you noticed, I can’t act normal because I feel like I am being a liar, not telling you all these crazy thoughts.

 

 

So, I will try to explain what is going on ..and what I am thinking…

 

We just casually discuss marriage and babies and stuff, and I have been happy with that, ecstatic at the idea of spending my life with you, but lately as this idea gets more and more real, and we get older I have really been freaking out; which I have said to you somewhat. I am so happy for Danny and Lindsey, but all of this talk of getting married and everyone telling me I am next, is really getting to me. Up until recently the idea that I was “next” was the most amazing thing ever, I couldn’t wait for that to happen. As of lately however, I just keep thinking, I am not ready for this at all (not saying you are either, I understand you are only 26 and this is just other people talking, not you).

 

 

Which leads me to what I have been trying to say…

 

I think you are the person I want to be with forever, I mean obviously I do, or else I wouldn’t talk about it all the time with you. I just think, that for the rest of forever I will always have this weird feeling if we don’t take some sort of a break for a little, just to be sure. I know this sounds like the craziest, most selfish, cliché thing ever, but I just think I need to be alone and think about things for a while, before I can say wholeheartedly that I want to spend the rest of my life with one person. I am sure this sounds totally crazy and doesn’t make sense to you, I wish I could do a better job of explaining this. One thing I have to say is that this is NOTHING you did wrong, in fact you have put in so much effort in changing, no matter how long and tumultuous a process (going in to your house with your clean living room and your haircut made me want to hysterically cry because I really really appreciate how much you have tried to change .. for me). I have wanted to die every time you do something sweet lately, like the New Year’s thing – you are amazing and I just feel like I don’t deserve it at all lately. These are my issues, and it just sucks that me trying to figure out my own life has to hurt you.

 

I feel like the worst person in the entire world, and all I want to do all day is cry, I have been trying to type this all day, and I can only get a sentence in before I start crying at work and have to close the screen so no one notices. Furthermore, the idea of not spending Christmas with you and your family is so hard to even type (I have grown to consider them my own family after all this time). Then I feel selfish for even thinking that - how do I pretend everything is fine and spend the holidays with you and your family while I am thinking all of these things? It’s not fair to spend time with you and your family because it makes me happy, when I am sitting there freaking out having a panic attack about my life. The idea of waking up alone on Christmas without you is horrifying, but maybe that’s what I need to stop being a crazy person, to realize how miserable I am without you.

 

 

This is by far the hardest thing in the world, and by far the saddest I have ever been, and I’m sure that’s not comforting at all to you, and just makes me sound even more irrational. I was going to try to just not say anything at all and hope that these weird fears/panicking would go away, but it hasn’t and I clearly can’t hide it from you. I feel like I am lying to you by not saying anything, but I am making you so sad by saying something – there’s just no easy way. If I could just stop feeling this way, and go back to being the way I was, believe me I would – I would give anything. I owe it to you to honest and let you know what I am thinking, as hard as it is for me to say, and you to hear. You are my best friend and I cannot imagine you not being in my life, but I understand if you are angry and mad and hate me and would prefer not to speak to me. I wish you had these irrational fears too, and that we both wanted this, but then again, you’re not half as crazy as I am. I keep trying to think, maybe this will be good, you can go out and have fun and not have me bitching all the time; you can go on vacations with your friends and get drunk and be crazy fun Jerry, that I have forced you to stop being.

 

So, this is probably the biggest mistake of my life, and will not make anything easier, but honestly that’s what I am hoping for. I know it sounds CRAZY, that I am hoping if we take a break, I hate my life, and you still want me back then everything goes back to how it was, and we can be the next Danny and Lindsey, but if we don’t separate for a little, I don’t know that I can be ready to spend the rest of my life with anyone.

 

This has been physically painful to write, I don’t know that I could say this out loud, looking at you. I can’t imagine not updating you with every little thing I do and you/your family not being in every aspect of my life. I know this probably makes no sense to you and at this point I am just talking in circles now and can’t bring myself to go back and read this entire thing to see if it is remotely cohesive or I will just cry in front of everyone at work. I love you so much Jerry, and I know this is the complete opposite way someone who loves someone acts, and I am so so so sorry, you have no idea. People (and when I say people, the only person I have remotely discussed this with is Courtney, because if I didn’t say something and just kept crying in private I think I’d end up in a mental hospital) just say to not think about anyone else, as hard as it may be, and think about what I need to do for myself, but that’s impossible, because all I can do is think about how much this will hurt you.

 

(As a side note, I know, or at least I think, that with your last girlfriend you told her you wanted to ‘go on a break’ as an excuse to dump her, and then you just ignored her out of your life, and I think that’s why you hate the term so much, and that’s not AT ALL what I mean by this, not one bit, and I feel like I need to make that clear)

 

I still don’t know if this is what I wanted to say, and I feel like I am going to throw up hovering over the send button, it seems surreal, and I never thought I would be saying something like this to you – and while I have been typing it, I still didn’t know if I was going to actually send it. I am repeating myself now, but this is NOTHING you did wrong (which is what makes this 230498308 times harder/meaner), this is me being crazy and scared and probably being the biggest idiot ever, and I love you more than I can explain. I could go on and on about how sad I am, how much I love you, all the things I’ll miss, but that is not going to help you, and I just seem like a psycho hypocrite. I will definitely talk to you if you want, I owe you that, and I don’t want to stop talking to you in general, unless that’s what you want.

 

I am sure reading this is just torture, so I will end it here – I don’t know where we go from here, or what we do, but this is what I have been thinking about, this is why I have been so weird, and I am so sorry Jerry, I really just want you to know that I do love you, but these are my problems, and no reflection of you as a person, I think you are the best person I know. I hope that you don’t hate me forever and this isn’t long term, but I understand that this is asking a lot of you, so if you do hate me I get it. I am so sorry.

[Bito]

Sounds to me like she really loves you. If you truly love her, then let her go. If it is meant to be you she will come back.

 

If i was in your shoes i would send a very short response such as "I hope you find what you want" or something such as that. Once that is done go complete and utter NC. Do not respond to any hello's or breadcrumbs. The only thing you should respond to is her begging for you to take her back. She needs to miss you.

 

Its going to be hard as hell for a long time but the worst thing you could do is beg her to stay. She needs to do this. Or else she will further down the road and its better she has this freak out now rather then later. Take some time to go out and party with your friends and enjoy the percs of single life (A difficult challenge i know). Your going to miss her like crazy but you must stay NC.

 

I think it goes without saying take everything you hear on this forum with a huge grain of salt. Jaded people will try to relate there own situation to yours baised on limited information. You are the only person who can decide what to make of this.

 

Follow your gut...

[Chi townD]

All that letter told me is that she wants you waiting on the sidelines and she runs aound getting "stuff" out of her systems before she can commit to "forever". Sorry, I'm not buying it.

 

If you TRUELY love someone, you don't want to be away from that person. You don't want to take the chance of having someone else replacing you. And you hold on to to the person you love for dear life! You make it work. Your work on the issues together, rather than tossing that person aside! What happened to love?

 

She'll probably try to contact you again. If that happens. Either ignore her or you let her know that you are going NC on her. That it isn't a punishment, but is made the CHOICE to have you out of her life and you're giving her EXACTLY what she's asking for.

 

You are not her friend. I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her with the end result being that you are nothing more than a friend to her.

 

You're probably holding on to a shread of hope that she'll come to her senses, but you have to start living your life as if she isn't, because chances are....she's not.

 

Come Christmas day, you'll probably get a "merry Christmas" text. If that happens text back, " Thanks, you too." and leave it there. All business like and ignore anything else like the, "I miss you." Text that will closely follow. She needs to know what it feels like not having you in her life. That you will not be there to make her feel better or be that rock to lean on.

 

 

Heal and move on.

[KatZee]

I agree.

 

I see nothing about that letter that says, "I'm coming back to you."

 

All I hear is "woe is me. I'm so upset. I love you. Wah wah." It's her trying to relieve her guilt of getting rid of the one thing in her life that's ever been stable.

 

At the end she even says, "I hope it isn't forever."

 

What do you mean, "You hope??" You're either with me and we're working it out, or you go on your way.

 

She doesn't even care if you go out and get wasted with your friends and be that "crazy guy" she knows you want to be. She's not all that particularly worried about you and other females...

 

She's a commitment-phobe. Plain and simple. She doesn't need "time to herself" to see if she wants you for life. How can she even do that unless she's out screwing or dating other guys? It's one thing to be single, it's another to want something else to compare you to, and THAT'S what it sounds like she's going to do.

 

She wants to experience life without you? Grant her wish. NC.

[flitzanu]

i need a break to find myself = i need a break to find other guys to have sex with.

[golk]

Listen, this was very similar to my situation. And I will tell you, her saying that she needs her "space, freedom, just has an unsure feeling if it's what she wants forever, she needs to get it out of system..." is her saying I want to be be with a different guy in a nice way. I know it sucks to hear but it's the truth. Even if she thinks herself right now that she really does just want to be single and live life for a bit by herself, it will surface eventually that she wants to date around. Because even if she doesn't know it, that's what's causing her to be "unsure". And her saying that she hopes this isn't forever is basically saying, "hey i want you to wait around while I get with other dudes and if I don't like them better I'll come back."

 

She is confused and isn't doing this to you on purpose, but it's not worth the suffering for months straight trying to hold on to what she clearly doesn't want AT THIS TIME. That's what I did and it wasn't fun. Put myself through so much more suffering than I needed to go through. If she's asking for space than that's the only thing that can help both of you.

[Hurt Irish guy]

I am going through the same thing you are bud and i hate to say it but the reality of it is that she wants out and she is hiding behind all of this to protect herself!!!

 

its **** i know and i got all the same "i love you" and "i need to do this to see if you are the one"................ bull****!!!!!!!!!!!

 

look i don't doubt that she loves you but you need to get that out of your head and look forward....leave her go and if she comes's back to you in x-amount of time then you might be capable of starting again but if you spend all that time wrecking your head about the whole thing then you will end up a sick puppy in more ways than one!!!!!!!!!

 

good luck and keep what's best for you in your head not anything to do with her, much harder to put into practice than say but if you do it i promise you it will get so much better for you!!!!!!