imstatic Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I would just like to start by saying that I'm not perfect, not the best bf but defintely not the worst. I'm not a bad person, not ugly, devoted to my family and fairly accomplished. Even though I've successfully kept NC for about 6 months, I find myself wondering what my ex's life is like. I recently heard (through reliable sources) she had become a bad apple. She was seen in clubs, drinking, hooking up, etc. When I met her and her circle, she was completely different. I found out she was top of her class, cherished friend, respected coworker, lady/role model of her house and so on. She had professional aspirations, wanted to travel, had started her own business. Her mother is a saint and brought her up with principles. I can understand the reasons why she decided to do certain things to me, but why hurt herself? Why throw her reputation/business/life down the drain? Was it because of...? 1. New friends? Bad influences? 2. She can't handle all the attention she's receiving? 3. Likes the thrill it gives her to have an easy life? With everyone fulfilling her every desire? 4. Low self esteem? 5. She's desperate to get someone new? 6. She's trying to send me a message stating that she's somehow better off without me? 7. She wants to go wild and experience life? 8. All/None of the above? I really would appreciatte your help. I need to learn by getting a logical answer, because I definitely don't want this to happen to me again in the future. No more surprises! I've been told that people don't change, they just adapt to their new surroundings. We could all use a little more knowledge to avoid being manipulated, cheated on, etc. How did I miss this? What signs am I not looking for? I wish I could learn how to read people... Thank you.
CptSaveAho Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Hurt people hurt people... its the way of the world as for your questions 1. New friends? Bad influences? Yup 2. She can't handle all the attention she's receiving? Yup although she enjoys it 3. Likes the thrill it gives her to have an easy life? With everyone fulfilling her every desire? Yup 4. Low self esteem? Yup 5. She's desperate to get someone new? Yup 6. She's trying to send me a message stating that she's somehow better off without me? Yup - but she's full of crap 7. She wants to go wild and experience life? Yup Dont take it personally, its 100% on her... she's got things she needs to work through 1
CC12 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I can understand the reasons why she decided to do certain things to me, but why hurt herself? Why throw her reputation/business/life down the drain? Was it because of...? 1. New friends? Bad influences? 2. She can't handle all the attention she's receiving? 3. Likes the thrill it gives her to have an easy life? With everyone fulfilling her every desire? 4. Low self esteem? 5. She's desperate to get someone new? 6. She's trying to send me a message stating that she's somehow better off without me? 7. She wants to go wild and experience life? 8. All/None of the above? Nobody here can truthfully answer these questions because nobody here personally knows her. And the answers to those questions aren't going to help you in the future, because whatever she's doing now probably has very little to do with your relationship. If you've had a number of relationships where it turns out the person isn't who you thought they were, then maybe you're ignoring certain things about their personalities because you're so enamored with them at the beginning. It's possible that you're only seeing what you want to see. Or maybe you subconsciously create pressure on them to behave a certain way to appease you and eventually they say "screw it" and let their true personalities show. Or if the people you're dating are still young, they're just growing up, going through phases, finding themselves, or whatever you want to call it. It happens. 1
movingon12 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Can you explain why you have such a problem with the fact that she is out and having fun? Clubbing, drinking and 'hooking up' are not the behaviours of a "bad apple", they are perfectly normal things that perfectly normal people do and have done (in one form or another) for hundreds if not thousands of years. It seems to me that you are angry that she has moved on and you would prefer that she had stayed home, alone, mourning the relationship that you didn't want to give her. The sooner you can stop obsessing about what she's doing now and who she's doing it with, the sooner you will be able to move on.
Author imstatic Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Can you explain why you have such a problem with the fact that she is out and having fun? Clubbing, drinking and 'hooking up' are not the behaviours of a "bad apple", they are perfectly normal things that perfectly normal people do and have done (in one form or another) for hundreds if not thousands of years. It seems to me that you are angry that she has moved on and you would prefer that she had stayed home, alone, mourning the relationship that you didn't want to give her. The sooner you can stop obsessing about what she's doing now and who she's doing it with, the sooner you will be able to move on. Not at all. I would rather see her flourish, than hearing such things about her. How does a church girl become like that? I guess I really did misread her, shame on me. I agree that going out isn't bad and that I shouldn't obssess, but I really think that going all lilo or charlie sheen isn't the way. I didn't give that much details, because I didn't want to offend anyone. It just really bothers me that people I admire turn like that.
Author imstatic Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Nobody here can truthfully answer these questions because nobody here personally knows her. And the answers to those questions aren't going to help you in the future, because whatever she's doing now probably has very little to do with your relationship. If you've had a number of relationships where it turns out the person isn't who you thought they were, then maybe you're ignoring certain things about their personalities because you're so enamored with them at the beginning. It's possible that you're only seeing what you want to see. Or maybe you subconsciously create pressure on them to behave a certain way to appease you and eventually they say "screw it" and let their true personalities show. Or if the people you're dating are still young, they're just growing up, going through phases, finding themselves, or whatever you want to call it. It happens. I usually let people be themselves and give them plenty of confidence. I only ask them not to betray me. If they want to be with someone else, finish the relationship before. Am I supposed to be watching over people? Making sure they aren't influenced, like if they were my kids?
flitzanu Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 the issue is that you're looking for a "logical" answer for issues that do not have logical answers. all you're doing is trying to find some tangible thing to blame her behavior on, and that's going to be impossible. sometimes things just ARE.
movingon12 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I usually let people be themselves and give them plenty of confidence. I only ask them not to betray me. If they want to be with someone else, finish the relationship before. Am I supposed to be watching over people? Making sure they aren't influenced, like if they were my kids? Why would you need to watch over her? She's not your girlfriend anymore. From what I remember she hasn't been your girlfriend for quite some time. You have no right, let alone responsibility, to 'watch over her'. She's moved on. You need to too. Not at all. I would rather see her flourish, than hearing such things about her. How does a church girl become like that? I guess I really did misread her, shame on me. I agree that going out isn't bad and that I shouldn't obssess, but I really think that going all lilo or charlie sheen isn't the way. I didn't give that much details, because I didn't want to offend anyone. It just really bothers me that people I admire turn like that. I think you're projecting your own value system on to somebody else. She's changed. People do, especially in their teens and twenties (which I assume she is). The vast majority of young people do what she's doing, it's a normal part of life. Obviously I don't know the details - but if all you're objecting to is the fact that she now goes to clubs and drinks, well, frankly I think you're seriously over-reacting.
Recommended Posts