My ex just called!!

[Jono85]

:eek:

 

 

totally floored.

 

 

i didn't pick up. she didn't leave a voicemail. i'm pretty shocked though, didn't think she'd ever reach out again. at least not for a longg while.

 

i've been NC for about 3+ weeks now after I texted her asking about her new job/boss and she ignored it. first time she's ever ignored me before, and i took it pretty hard but didn't contact her after it/since then. to me it was saying "i don't want u in my life anymore and i don't care if we're on bad terms". maybe not the way she meant it, but it really hurt. i still think about her pretty much all day every day. it's consumed me.

 

 

what do u advise i do?? call her back? ignore? text her something like "the last time i contacted u, u ignored me, why should i talk to u?..".

[sharsh]

Stay in no contact.

 

When I was still contacting my ex, it was always on his terms. If I texted him first - ignored, or he acted like I was bothering him.

It was ALWAYS on his terms, he only wanted to talk when HE wanted to.

 

How is that fair? It's selfish. Don't do anything, just take it as a grain of salt, and go on about your day.

[Jono85]

Stay in no contact.

 

When I was still contacting my ex, it was always on his terms. If I texted him first - ignored, or he acted like I was bothering him.

It was ALWAYS on his terms, he only wanted to talk when HE wanted to.

 

How is that fair? It's selfish. Don't do anything, just take it as a grain of salt, and go on about your day.

 

yeah i hear u. honestly, i've NEVER been one to ignore anyone. i feel terrible doing it. BUT, given the fact that she ignored me 3 weeks ago, and it hurt like hell, i don't see why i should feel remotely guilty about ignoring her phone call.

 

thanks for the advice.

[Jono85]

just to be clear, this is the first time she's initiated ANY form of contact since like early July, 5 months ago. it's the first time she's CALLED me since our relationship way back in May.

 

we've essentially been NC for the last 5 months, other than when I broke NC about 1.5 months ago to see how she was doing (i ended our contact in July and told her not to bother me anymore, even though she was on a trip and was to be deciding whether or not to try things again when she got back). anyway she never responded and literally didn't bother me anymore, to my surprise. until i broke NC 3 months later, apologizing for getting emo/going NC and also asked her about her life now. she responded and also said she was still single (i asked). i then asked if she wanted to hang out and she told me she didn't think it was a good idea cuz it might be too soon and didn't want old drama to surface. she did say she had some time off shortly though from work and she'd think about it. i was upset by her lack of interest to hang out after 3 months NC, so kind of guilted her a bit and said to take care. she replied telling me not to talk to her anymore. i called her up and she basically said we'd never be anything again, and she's had lots of time to reflect on our relationship and started crying about the ways i'd hurt her. i started crying too upon hearing her cry. anyway couple days later after reflecting on the phonecall i sent her a "last email" apologizing for everything (went into detail, and about things she never mentioned that i realized), and acknowledging that it was too late but i still wanted to apologize. told her i wasn't hoping for a reply, and she didn't reply. few weeks pass (3 weeks ago) and i texted her asking about her new job/boss, trying to shift things to lighter topic. she didn't reply.

 

fastforward 3 weeks (tonight) and this is where i'm left.

 

 

so i guess i feel a bit guilty b/c like i said, this is the first time she's initiated a text/call to me in 5+ months. i would very much like to talk about things...and a part of me feels like she wouldn't call me up if it were something casual like "hey how's life". she hasn't done that during this entire breakup, why now? but i guess there IS a chance that b/c 3 weeks ago i sent a 'friendly' text, that that's opened the door for her to use me as a friend. but again, why call? and why at 10pm on a sunday. just seems strange and if it were a casual "how's it going" it'd be a text, and during the day or something. bah..

[CptSaveAho]

I dont get it.

 

Are you trying to torture yourself?

 

You try to open the door and be used as a friend (from your own words) then you ignore her call and come here and post about it.

 

Why not answer the phone and find out?

 

Am I the only one that finds this behavior to be irrational?

[witmadskilllz]

Bro, it took my ex 2 years to just send me a text with her name only(to indicate her new cell #), NOTHING ELSE, JUST ****ING BREAD CRUMBS. I felt like ****ing **** even after all this time and I get nothing, no "I miss you" or "I regret dumping you". **** her, I'm sticking NC forever with that bitch.

[frederickkk]

Bro, it took my ex 2 years to just send me a text with her name only(to indicate her new cell #), NOTHING ELSE, JUST ****ING BREAD CRUMBS. I felt like ****ing **** even after all this time and I get nothing, no "I miss you" or "I regret dumping you". **** her, I'm sticking NC forever with that bitch.

 

yeah im close to this too, fckng that bitch off

[deekay]

Bro, it took my ex 2 years to just send me a text with her name only(to indicate her new cell #), NOTHING ELSE, JUST ****ING BREAD CRUMBS. I felt like ****ing **** even after all this time and I get nothing, no "I miss you" or "I regret dumping you". **** her, I'm sticking NC forever with that bitch.

 

yeah im close to this too, fckng that bitch off

 

Yes I'm sure your girlfriends were quite amused by your attitudes...

 

@Jono85

 

Do whatever you want. Obviously you want her back, so get her. Try to set the mood for you two to flirt and tease each other. You're so lucky you're able to visit her since she lives close by, so you have it way easier than me. I had an ex break up with me, and I said no to NC and got her back by flirting, teasing, and dropping some conversational pieces of the time we spent together. She fell for me again and has strong feelings for me.

 

If you want her back, you need to learn how to not take "no" for an answer.

Edited December 3, 2012 by deekay

[NewPerspective93]

Be nonchalant about it, and maintain NC. I assume this is a breadcrumb.

 

Best of luck, things do get better.

[LostOne1]

Yes I'm sure your girlfriends were quite amused by your attitudes...

 

@Jono85

 

Do whatever you want. Obviously you want her back, so get her. Try to set the mood for you two to flirt and tease each other. You're so lucky you're able to visit her since she lives close by, so you have it way easier than me. I had an ex break up with me, and I said no to NC and got her back by flirting, teasing, and dropping some conversational pieces of the time we spent together. She fell for me again and has strong feelings for me.

 

If you want her back, you need to learn how to not take "no" for an answer.

maybe it worked for you.. but it doesn't work for everyone. I tried it your way and it either confused her more or as she put it.. it's me just wasting my time and I should stop.

 

If I remember right.. she lost MORE respect for me trying to fight for her. I guess for her it was why put up a huge fight now when things are at an end rather than putting up a fight for her when we were together.

 

So your lucky if your way one and I expect your method WILL work for some relationships.

[deekay]

maybe it worked for you.. but it doesn't work for everyone. I tried it your way and it either confused her more or as she put it.. it's me just wasting my time and I should stop.

 

If I remember right.. she lost MORE respect for me trying to fight for her. I guess for her it was why put up a huge fight now when things are at an end rather than putting up a fight for her when we were together.

 

So your lucky if your way one and I expect your method WILL work for some relationships.

 

Well let's start by telling us why your ex broke up with you

[movingon12]

OP

 

- it could be she pressed the wrong button, or it could be she was having a sad moment and wanting to reconnect. But she didn't leave a message, text, email or call back later, so it obviously wasn't that important to her to speak to you.

 

If you want to be just friends, then you could call her back to see what she wanted. (Though frankly that seems a bit weird: it obviously wasn't important).

 

If you don't want to be just friends, then save yourself more pain and stay NC until she's actually saying something you want to hear.

[Jono85]

OP

 

- it could be she pressed the wrong button, or it could be she was having a sad moment and wanting to reconnect. But she didn't leave a message, text, email or call back later, so it obviously wasn't that important to her to speak to you.

 

If you want to be just friends, then you could call her back to see what she wanted. (Though frankly that seems a bit weird: it obviously wasn't important).

 

If you don't want to be just friends, then save yourself more pain and stay NC until she's actually saying something you want to hear.

 

i doubt it was wrong button b/c it rang all the way to voicemail; i know b/c i was there still in shock that she called lol.

 

i don't know if it's that obvious. like i said, she hasn't called me since our relationship back in may. why call now? maybe she felt guilt for ignoring me 3 weeks ago? (it was the first time since i've known her that she just ignored me like that).

 

i just feel sort of guilty that i've been fighting for her basically since we broke up, back in may (not constantly obviously, but on 4 or 5 separate occasions) and i've kind of ruined things each time by getting emotional/guilting her when things didn't go my way/she put up walls. and yet here she is calling me one sunday evening 5 months after our breakup, and i'm just going to ignore her call??

 

truthfully though, i'm not ready to talk to her as a friend. so if that's all she wants to talk about, i don't really want to talk to her. and she hurt me a lot by ignoring me 3 weeks ago, so like part of the reason i didn't pick up is i can't act all normal on the phone when i'm still pissed off at her for ignoring me like that. just so confused what to do..

[movingon12]

You've been fighting to have her as a girlfriend, rather than have her as a friend I presume? It didn't work. She hasn't done anything to make you think she wants you back as a boyfriend so you have nothing to feel guilty /silly about.

 

Exes get in contact sometimes - they have a particularly bad night, get a bit drunk, get dumped by someone else and - for a moment/day/week the thought of going back to something safe and familiar will appeal. But then the reality comes back, the reasons for the inital break up resurface, they reconcile with their new partner, and they leave. Again. And the dumpee gets dumped. Again.

 

Once I contacted an ex, after a year of NC, when my parents gave our cats away. I didn't want to get back with him, I told him not to reply, I just wanted to pour my heart out to the one person who would understand how much I loved those cats. He did reply, I ignored him.

[Jono85]

I dont get it.

 

Are you trying to torture yourself?

 

You try to open the door and be used as a friend (from your own words) then you ignore her call and come here and post about it.

 

Why not answer the phone and find out?

 

Am I the only one that finds this behavior to be irrational?

 

i see what ur saying.

 

BUT, at the time i was down with that idea. but her flat out ignoring me and seeing what that did to me (i was a wreck b/c i figured she just didn't want me a part of her life anymore and didn't even want to leave on good terms) kind of really upset me. not saying i wouldn't want to hear her out, but i guess when she called i didn't feel i was in the mindset to talk casually, or confidently. more like i'd be angry/hostile with her unless she called to apologize for her actions from before. guess i'm tired of being disappointed/upset with her and didn't have high hopes for a phone conversation when clearly i'm still very much resentful.

[Jono85]

You've been fighting to have her as a girlfriend, rather than have her as a friend I presume? It didn't work. She hasn't done anything to make you think she wants you back as a boyfriend so you have nothing to feel guilty /silly about.

 

Exes get in contact sometimes - they have a particularly bad night, get a bit drunk, get dumped by someone else and - for a moment/day/week the thought of going back to something safe and familiar will appeal. But then the reality comes back, the reasons for the inital break up resurface, they reconcile with their new partner, and they leave. Again. And the dumpee gets dumped. Again.

 

Once I contacted an ex, after a year of NC, when my parents gave our cats away. I didn't want to get back with him, I told him not to reply, I just wanted to pour my heart out to the one person who would understand how much I loved those cats. He did reply, I ignored him.

 

i get all that, but she's had ZERO history of doing anything like that. she's a very emotional person in fact, who had bouts of neediness in our relationship, and yet since she's broken up with me she hasn't initiated contact ONCE in 6 months. i dunno..

 

not saying i disagree that ignoring her is the best option persay, but i feel ****ty doing it right now. the only reason i feel semi ok about it is b/c she ignored my text 3 weeks ago asking about her, so i feel a bit less guilty about this. but this is a call. she wanted to talk to me. i guess who knows about what, but a part of me feels i blew it and who knows if i get the opportunity again. maybe she decides that i hate her and ignored her call so she decides against reconciling? maybe i'm overthinking and she'll make sure she talks to me if that's how she feels, ie. try harder..

[movingon12]

Please don't feel bad about not answering.

 

If she'd been calling you constantly, begging you to answer the phone and speak to her, then yes, I could understand feeling bad about it. But one call - no message - is not something to stress about.

 

I had zero history of contacting my ex until I did it.

 

I doubt she thinks you hate her given that you sent her a friendly text a few weeks ago. She may well think you're upset that she ignored you, but if that's true, she'll also know that it's going to take more than one 'missed call' message to reconcile.

 

If she was calling to reconcile, and she's given up because you didn't answer the phone on her first attempt, she clearly wasn't that determined to get you back. You deserve someone who is going to fight for you the way you have fought for her.

[deekay]

i get all that, but she's had ZERO history of doing anything like that. she's a very emotional person in fact, who had bouts of neediness in our relationship, and yet since she's broken up with me she hasn't initiated contact ONCE in 6 months. i dunno..

 

not saying i disagree that ignoring her is the best option persay, but i feel ****ty doing it right now. the only reason i feel semi ok about it is b/c she ignored my text 3 weeks ago asking about her, so i feel a bit less guilty about this. but this is a call. she wanted to talk to me. i guess who knows about what, but a part of me feels i blew it and who knows if i get the opportunity again. maybe she decides that i hate her and ignored her call so she decides against reconciling? maybe i'm overthinking and she'll make sure she talks to me if that's how she feels, ie. try harder..

 

You know, girls are very emotional and sensitive creatures. Some girls are comfortable with begging on their knees to get their boyfriends back, and some girls are more comfortable with taking slow steps (because of their shyness) to see if their exboyfriends still love them. You never know if she wants you back or not. Just like you, she's trying to move on from you, but she knows a part of her still wants your back. And it's your job to be the initiator and make the move to see her.

 

I would call her back in your case to find out the real reason why she called, but when you call her, don't be too hostile and also too nice to her. Don't talk to her like you talk to your friend; jump straight into tickling her feelings. For example, when you call her, you can sort of tease and flirt with her by saying, "Can I take a safe guess and say you called me because you missed me babe?"

 

It's all about shifting the mood of the conversation into the one you and your girl had previous to the breakup.

[movingon12]

Oh please, please, PLEASE don't do any of this ^^^^^^

[Jono85]

yeah i don't think i will be lol. i'm just not in that mindset right now.

 

i think i'm gonna continue on and ignore it. like u said, if she's serious about wanting to reconcile, i would think she would attempt again. i've NEVER ignored her before, so she must get the picture that i'm upset if i'm ignoring her now. i don't think she should automatically jump to the conclusion that i'm over her either b/c just 3 weeks ago i was initiating friendly text, yet she didn't respond. so i'd hope she thinks i'm upset that she ignored me. if she doesn't, and misreads everything, and my opportunity is blown, screw it. it wasn't meant to be.

 

 

thanks for the advice/help guys.

[Chi townD]

Good on you.

 

If she called and you let it go to voicemail and she didn't even leave a message should tell you that she had nothing important to say to you.