lucy Reynolds Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I have a question for the husbands who've been the BS. My husband and I are real people who are in an epic mess, and we'd appreciate it if you only reply if you have something sincere/helpful to say as we are trying to reconcile and we do love each other and presently having a lot of great sex with each other. Please we don't need to hear, "You're meant for each other," "You deserve it," or "That's karma." Summary: On D-day July 6th 2012, my husband discovered that I had up to that point an 18 month love affair/sexual relationship with his very good friend of 6 years whose family and ours were intertwined - kids and all, and living in the same town. My affair was more emotional in that I felt this man filled a void as I felt my husband and I had grown distant. I held a lot of resentment towards my husband as he would yell/name call at me when I made stupid mistakes. I dealt with it never telling him it hurt me. The day after d-day, my husband came clean that he had had 7 sexual affairs over the years...the first one 3 years into our marriage. 3 of his affairs were for a decent period of time. The majorityof his affairs were while running around with his good friend, both of them sleeping with other women. Yes the very same friend I had the affair with. For the record my husband affairs were sexually charged, he claims that he was involved with these women because he didn't feel that I desired and wanted him in a physical/sexual way. He never felt that I made him feel like "the man." He didn't share his feelings with me other than a joke here and there through the years..no real conversation about it. The man I had the affair with was a serial cheater. He had affairs with at least 20 women while he and my husband were friends. Clearly, I did not know any of this at the time of my affair. My question: As a husband who is a BS, would you look at your wife differently and your own situatiuon of reconciliation differently, if you had experienced a series of affairs yourself? Also, the fact that it was a love affair with his good friend...does that make it harder to swallow and the reconciliation process more difficult?
kevinott Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I can honestly say, my world was completely turned upside down when I found out about my WS affair. I cant begin to tell you what it did to my ego, my psyche, was I a bad lover, etc....I couldnt imagine what it would be like to not only know these things, but to also know that the person whom my WS fell in "affair" love with was a very close friend of mine...WOW! Anyway, yes, apparently he too was a WH, so, in a way I can see the "just desserts" so to speak, but if I Try to leave it solely on the affair itself, the depth of the love affair, and the closeness of the person, Yes, it would make reconciling that much harder for me, personally. I hope thats what you are looking for in your question. That said, I think you both have a lot of problems to face in your journey. Assuming you are in NC with the OP and are both in IC maybe in time you can work through this, I wish you luck....
BetrayedH Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I remember your situation. If your husband is still using the excuse that your affair was "worse" than his 7 affairs because yours was emotional, then he is still an azzhole. Look, it takes two things to reconcile. One is a truly remorseful wayward spouse and the other is a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. You have a situation that is exponentially more difficult because you are both betrayed and both wayward. The fact is that your husband is not remorseful and he is not forgiving. And you CANNOT make this reconciliation happen on your own. I'm sorry to hear that you are still with this serial cheating azzhole of a husband. Forgive yourself and get away from him. 2
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) I have a question for the husbands who've been the BS. My husband and I are real people who are in an epic mess, and we'd appreciate it if you only reply if you have something sincere/helpful to say as we are trying to reconcile and we do love each other and presently having a lot of great sex with each other. Please we don't need to hear, "You're meant for each other," "You deserve it," or "That's karma." Summary: On D-day July 6th 2012, my husband discovered that I had up to that point an 18 month love affair/sexual relationship with his very good friend of 6 years whose family and ours were intertwined - kids and all, and living in the same town. My affair was more emotional in that I felt this man filled a void as I felt my husband and I had grown distant. I held a lot of resentment towards my husband as he would yell/name call at me when I made stupid mistakes. I dealt with it never telling him it hurt me. The day after d-day, my husband came clean that he had had 7 sexual affairs over the years...the first one 3 years into our marriage. 3 of his affairs were for a decent period of time. The majorityof his affairs were while running around with his good friend, both of them sleeping with other women. Yes the very same friend I had the affair with. For the record my husband affairs were sexually charged, he claims that he was involved with these women because he didn't feel that I desired and wanted him in a physical/sexual way. He never felt that I made him feel like "the man." He didn't share his feelings with me other than a joke here and there through the years..no real conversation about it. The man I had the affair with was a serial cheater. He had affairs with at least 20 women while he and my husband were friends. Clearly, I did not know any of this at the time of my affair. My question: As a husband who is a BS, would you look at your wife differently and your own situatiuon of reconciliation differently, if you had experienced a series of affairs yourself? Also, the fact that it was a love affair with his good friend...does that make it harder to swallow and the reconciliation process more difficult? Taking all other factors outside ... I would not be able to reconcile with the idea that not only my wife cheated on me but she did it with someone I loved too... I see it as a double betrayal... So to answer your questions, for me it would be a clear factor of influence to not reconcile... Moreover it would have a very radical effect in my manhood... I don't really know how to explain this but we "men" tend to look to the deed from the side of the OM too, and it makes us feel inferior specially if we know the OM... (it is like a territorial thing)... probably it all happens within our mind but we can avoid to think that the OM satisfaction was not only for having sex with you but also for taking something that belongs to us... and this knowing will torture him every single day... Since I didn't cheat on my wife I can't tell you if that would have been a factor or not... I guess your relationship is complicated... is more like if you two need a open marriage rather than a normal one since you both are cheaters... Edited December 4, 2012 by meandmyself 1
Owl Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 You're really wanting input from a very small subset of folks...men who have cheated and then been cheated on. Other than that...it'll all be speculation. As an outsider looking in...your marriage needs help. Both you and your H have demonstrated dysfunctional behaviors by cheating. There are underlying issues/problems on both sides that need to be addressed if your marriage is to have any chance of becoming a truly fulfilling relationship for both of you. Get a marriage counselor...ASAP. 5
road Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Don't have time to say more a double betrayal is always harder on the BH. Though marriages have come back from this. More later.
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 As a husband who is a BS, would you look at your wife differently and your own situatiuon of reconciliation differently, if you had experienced a series of affairs yourself? Also, the fact that it was a love affair with his good friend...does that make it harder to swallow and the reconciliation process more difficult? I'm a BH, but I haven't been through the double betrayal thing... I would say the answer to both of your questions would be YES. Honestly I try to stay out of double betrayal threads because I just can't fathom it. It was hard enough to figure out what I felt and believed about just being a BH.
GG2W Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 WOW!! A super Player, he played both the husband and the wife. He tells your H, "Be a man, don't put up with that chit, let her know she is being a witch with a captial B" H comes home and lets you have it And then you get upset and go running to the OM for comfort What a set up! Now that is bragging rights
Author lucy Reynolds Posted December 9, 2012 Author Posted December 9, 2012 I want to thank those of you who responded to my question as I know it was a difficult question to answer. I appreciate your honesty. I know our situation is extremely unique, but talking about it on sites like this can be helpful at times. I hope and pray that my husband and I can work through this together with all the ups and downs that a situation likes this entails. Since d-day which was 5 and a half months ago, we have talked everyday no matter what. We have been open and honest about all that has happened. I feel that is important and it says something about the strength of our relationshup despite our wrongs. If anyone else would like help us by telling me what they feel regarding the questions I asked, it would be much appreciated. If so, please be kind...we are in enough pain...and don't need people to say, "You're made for each other." etc. thanks again.
BetrayedH Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Survivinginfidelity.com has an "I Can Relate" forum where you can find a section for "Madhatters," those who have been both BS and WS. If you haven't been there, I highly recommend it.
NeverSettle Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I have a question for the husbands who've been the BS. My husband and I are real people who are in an epic mess, and we'd appreciate it if you only reply if you have something sincere/helpful to say as we are trying to reconcile and we do love each other and presently having a lot of great sex with each other. Please we don't need to hear, "You're meant for each other," "You deserve it," or "That's karma." Summary: On D-day July 6th 2012, my husband discovered that I had up to that point an 18 month love affair/sexual relationship with his very good friend of 6 years whose family and ours were intertwined - kids and all, and living in the same town. My affair was more emotional in that I felt this man filled a void as I felt my husband and I had grown distant. I held a lot of resentment towards my husband as he would yell/name call at me when I made stupid mistakes. I dealt with it never telling him it hurt me.? " Originally Posted by F-102 Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!" Here's the unabridged version: Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into: Their lives since they parted Their relationships since they parted Their families Their spouses You How you're an excellent father How you're a great husband How you're a wonderful guy Your job How your job keeps you busy How your job keeps you away How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy How she loved hearing from him again How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now How she feels young again How she feels appreciated again How she feels attractive again How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way How her eyes have now been opened How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that How insensitive you can be some times How you can be a real jerk sometimes How she wonders if they would have stayed together How she now realizes that she never really loved you How she now realizes that she really loved him all along How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known How you're standing in the way of her true happiness How you ruined her life How she made a big mistake marrying you How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go How now she sees that they were really meant to be together How she desperately has to get away from you How she's definitely going to leave you How she's talking to divorce lawyers How they're going to live happily ever after... ...get the picture?" The day after d-day, my husband came clean that he had had 7 sexual affairs over the years...the first one 3 years into our marriage. 3 of his affairs were for a decent period of time. The majorityof his affairs were while running around with his good friend, both of them sleeping with other women. Yes the very same friend I had the affair with. For the record my husband affairs were sexually charged, he claims that he was involved with these women because he didn't feel that I desired and wanted him in a physical/sexual way. He never felt that I made him feel like "the man." He didn't share his feelings with me other than a joke here and there through the years..no real conversation about it. The man I had the affair with was a serial cheater. He had affairs with at least 20 women while he and my husband were friends. Clearly, I did not know any of this at the time of my affair. My question: As a husband who is a BS, would you look at your wife differently and your own situatiuon of reconciliation differently, if you had experienced a series of affairs yourself? Also, the fact that it was a love affair with his good friend...does that make it harder to swallow and the reconciliation process more difficult? "It does not matter how long you've been married. It could be less than a year to a 40 year marriage. Your spouse can cheat at ANY point in the marriage. There is no safe period.It does not matter how many children you have or how old they are.Your spouse can cheat on you during pregnancy, or when the children are young, or in their teens, or grown up. It doesn't matter if you have disabled children or not either. It doesn't matter if you have no kids or 8 kids. They can and will cheat.It doesn't matter their level of educationIt doesn't matter at what age you marry.It doesn't matter if you were their first, or if they had many partners before youIt doesn't matter if they have enabling, toxic friends or not. But it is more likely if the do.It doesn't matter if they come from a dysfunctional family or normal familyIt doesn't matter if they're skinny or fatIt doesn't matter if you have a good marriage or a bad marriageIt doesn't matter if you had good communication or poor communication with each other.It doesn't matter if you've been a good husband/wifeI've learned that ANY marriage is vulnerable if the other spouse compromises their boundaries or is looking to cheat. It's a MYTH that cheating only occurs in bad marriages or if someone's needs are not being fulfilled." 2
Steen719 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 NeverSettle, Reading the FB conversation you posted was so like my XH's to the OW. He wished he had been with her all those years, what kids they could have had (ummm....yeah, you have a great son here!), they should have stayed together...yada yada yada. Interesting and I guess that is just textbook conversation. Also interesting, the list and I agree with it and your conclusion. Sad, but I think it is true. UGH
kevinott Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 " Originally Posted by F-102 Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!" Here's the unabridged version: Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into: Their lives since they parted Their relationships since they parted Their families Their spouses You How you're an excellent father How you're a great husband How you're a wonderful guy Your job How your job keeps you busy How your job keeps you away How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy How she loved hearing from him again How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now How she feels young again How she feels appreciated again How she feels attractive again How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way How her eyes have now been opened How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that How insensitive you can be some times How you can be a real jerk sometimes How she wonders if they would have stayed together How she now realizes that she never really loved you How she now realizes that she really loved him all along How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known How you're standing in the way of her true happiness How you ruined her life How she made a big mistake marrying you How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go How now she sees that they were really meant to be together How she desperately has to get away from you How she's definitely going to leave you How she's talking to divorce lawyers How they're going to live happily ever after... ...get the picture?" "It does not matter how long you've been married. It could be less than a year to a 40 year marriage. Your spouse can cheat at ANY point in the marriage. There is no safe period.It does not matter how many children you have or how old they are.Your spouse can cheat on you during pregnancy, or when the children are young, or in their teens, or grown up. It doesn't matter if you have disabled children or not either. It doesn't matter if you have no kids or 8 kids. They can and will cheat.It doesn't matter their level of educationIt doesn't matter at what age you marry.It doesn't matter if you were their first, or if they had many partners before youIt doesn't matter if they have enabling, toxic friends or not. But it is more likely if the do.It doesn't matter if they come from a dysfunctional family or normal familyIt doesn't matter if they're skinny or fatIt doesn't matter if you have a good marriage or a bad marriageIt doesn't matter if you had good communication or poor communication with each other.It doesn't matter if you've been a good husband/wifeI've learned that ANY marriage is vulnerable if the other spouse compromises their boundaries or is looking to cheat. It's a MYTH that cheating only occurs in bad marriages or if someone's needs are not being fulfilled." I couldnt agree more with this post. There are a few things different with me, as it wasnt a "old flame", but nonetheless, that is how it all went...from talking about our lives, how good things are, how we love our spouses, moving to....i feel lonely, i am taken for granted, and so on...WOW.
Gunny376 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I was a BH of a cheating spouse. I've NEVER cheated on so much as a GF ~ that's just the way I am. A "One woman" man. I've never dated more than one woman at a time. My take on "Cheaters" ~ They're mentally, emotionally weak minded individuals lacking in self confidence, self assurance, self validation. They're lacking in self control, self discipline. They're selfish, self centered, and narcissistic. And I say that with the acknowledgement that we all have our weaknesses, temptations, passions,....................... A woman cheats on me? She is "Dead" to me. In my mind she no longer exists. I don't care so much that she cheated on me per say? I just don't want nor need all the drama, BS, that reverberates through out MY life and those that I love, care and cherish. (My children, grandchildren, family, friends) Nor do I want nor need any of those "Gifts" that keep on giving. 3
worldgonewrong Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Thank God for Gunny's continued presence on these forums. Truly. I derive such strength from his words. I could never pay back all that I've derived from his support, extended by proxy to everyone on LS.
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