I feel so lost.

[Ilovelucy06]

This is a long story...

 

I'm almost 23 now. I started dating my BF when we were both 18/19. I'm into horses which is a very time-consuming hobby. All was good for the first year or so. We only live a few houses apart so I would stay at his house just about every night, pretty much living together.

 

Out of the blue he broke up with me, saying he had been in relationships since he left school and he felt a bit trapped. I was devastated. We stayed friends, and about a month or two after we broke up he said he had made a mistake, so we got back together.

 

All was ok for the next two years. Obviously we had some highs and lows. I was away with the horses most weekends and he was never interested in that part of my life. He came along a few times at the start but found it boring so stopped coming. Things were better in winter as we both snowboard so would go away together most weekends. We always got along really well, best friends, and we never fought. However we started falling into a rut, not doing much together except watching TV, not having sex very often, and not really talking. It started to feel like we were just friends who happened to share a bed. I have always liked sex and been up for trying new things but he was much more 'routine'. He once found me reading some erotica that included less 'mainstream' things (Nothing way out there though) and he laughed at me and while laughing he asked if I wanted to do those things. I was beyond embarrassed and of course said no and have never been game to bring it up with him again.

 

Around this time the opportunity arose for me to travel across the country and work in a job I had always wanted to try, as a casual for 6 months or so, on really good money. I had left a government job I hated and was working in a shop, just scraping by. I spoke to him and told him I really wanted to give this a shot. I asked if he would come with me as there were opportunities for him to work his trade nearby for huge money as well, however he said no, he wanted to stay in our hometown. It took me a while to decide but I eventually said I was going. We talked about it a bit and I was under the impression we would break up and see where we were when I got back - He said he didn't want to do a LDR.

 

Well, come the day I left, he drives me to the airport and gives me a diamond necklace and tells me he is going to miss me. So much for a break.

 

So, I went. I loved the job, even though it was very isolated and lonely. We would text every couple of days and I would call him every couple of weeks and we would talk.

 

This is where it gets complicated and I am really ashamed of this.

 

I slept with two people while I was there.

 

One was in a similar job, who I met at a country race carnival and who later came to visit where I worked. A friend also had a fling with his best mate. He wanted to hook up at the races and I said no, I said no the first time he visited as well, but the second time we had a few drinks and I guess I just pushed everything to the back of my mind and did it. It happened once with him. Not long after he flew home (He lives in a different country) but kept in contact via texts.

 

The second time was not long before I left. There was some construction work going on where I worked and because of the remote-ness the builders stayed in our quarters for a month or so. I loved having the builders there, different people to talk to, and they all had a really good attitude to life. We would sit around after dinner and have beers and they would talk about places they had travelled, etc. and I guess they just made me feel like I could do anything I wanted, go anywhere... My BF at home had always been a bit negative about that sort of thing, not wanting to do too many new things, or big holidays, or even consider moving. He also found it hard to see me as capable I guess. I have always been a bit of a tomboy and take pride in doing things for myself, whereas he kind of wanted me to be a soft girl who he could help. The job I was working meant I was working my ass off in there with the boys and I love that, I love not being limited because of my gender. The builders were the opposite of him, they thought it was a good thing, they just made me feel really empowered and strong and positive.

 

There was some footy grand final on and I offered to drive two of the guys into town so they could watch the game at the pub and have some drinks. We went in to the pub and one of the builders who I had got along well with but not really talked to wasn't that into footy so we mostly talked while the other guy watched the game. Turns out he lived 10 minutes away from where my dads family originated from in Wales. We got along really well. We headed back home and all had a few drinks. Everyone else went to bed and it was just the two of us left up, and he kissed me. That was all that happened and I went to bed.

 

I didn't do anything else for a few nights but once again I pushed everything back and I ended up sleeping with him a few nights in a row. He was so lovely and always made me feel like the most beautiful, important person in the world. The sex was amazing, and I'm so sad to say it but far better than anything I have had with my BF.

 

So fast forward and now I have been back home for about a month.

 

My BF has been trying really hard and things have been good with him. He said he wants to go back to that job with me next year, and he even thought about buying me a ring while I was gone. He says he realised how much he loves me and he wants to be with me more than anything. He promises that things will never get as bad as they were when I left. He has been coming out to the horses with me and wants me to teach him how to ride, he has been really affectionate and just wants to be with me the whole time. However once more we have hardly slept together since I got home, maybe 6 or so times.

 

After a couple of weeks I mentioned to him that I think I will go back and maybe he shouldn't come. He was floored... I just told him that I don't think i'm ready for that kind of commitment, and i'm worried things would go back to how they were before.

 

There was lots of tears and over a lot of nights we still hadn't come to any conclusion.

 

God, I feel like the worst person in the world, I just don't want to hurt him. I love him, I do. But obviously if I could choose to do what I did then I am not 100% committed to him. I had decided not to tell him, I didn't want to hurt him that way. I had planned to break up with him, but god, when I see him I just can't make myself do it, it would hurt him so much, and he just keeps saying how he loves me more than anything and he just wants to be with me.

 

So last night he was on my ipad and found a message that mentioned the first guy. He asked me about it and I told him I had kissed him and that was it. I know I lied to him but I just couldn't say it. We talked about it a bit and of course he was upset but he said he still loves me and still wants to go with me and doesn't want a kiss to ruin everything we have. He says he was considering asking my parents to help change my mind, and he said he should have proposed when I got back... Even though I told him I would have said no, I'm not ready to marry anyone yet.

 

I just feel so lost and confused. I just don't know what to do. I know the right thing is to break up with him. But in my head I just keep thinking, what if I never tell him, and we go, and everything is wonderful... And then I skip back to the how bad things where when I left, and how we never have much sex. And could I live with that. And around I go.... And I love him and I don't want to hurt him, which is contradictory, I know, because I did the worst thing... I do regret what I did because it was wrong, and it will hurt him. But part of me doesn't, part of me is really selfish and says I love sex, I should get to enjoy the sex I want.

 

I know I did a really horrible thing. And I know there is no easy way out of this. I just feel so lost, and I hat that i'm hurting him and I don't want to hurt him more. He keeps saying how devastated he will be if I go without him.

[Ilovelucy06]

I know nobody has replied but it feels good to get my thoughts down in writing...

 

We talked more last night, and again it was just more of the same

 

He keeps saying he is sorry he f****** everything up before I left, by just being lazy and not caring about our relationship, and he doesn't want that to ruin what we have.

 

I feel like I'm being torn in two. One part of me wants to give it another chance, go over there, be living on our own not in a parents house, and see what happens....

 

But the other half thinks it is kinder to him to just end it now, even though he will be heartbroken...

 

I truly regret what I did, and now I'm just so lost, I don't know which way to turn. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision, and when I see him and he's crying I just can't imagine hurting him more.

[Toddbt12y1]

So...you cheated on him and he felt guilty and begged you back? You are in love with sex(part of you)...yeah you did a horrible thing no excuses. You don't deserve him. He deserves better. Become a pornstar there ya go.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

So...you cheated on him and he felt guilty and begged you back? You are in love with sex(part of you)...yeah you did a horrible thing no excuses. You don't deserve him. He deserves better. Become a pornstar there ya go.

 

Wow...that was pretty harsh.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

Ok heres my advice. I think you should break up with your bf. There is nothing wrong with liking sex and exploring. The only issue that you had is that you cheated on him which is a big no no. Let him go. The way I see it you still have doubts which means if you guys are still together YOU will do it to him again. Let him go. I know it sucks hurting him but in the long run its going to be worse. Especially if he finds out. Do the right thing and let him go and find someone else. I know breaking up with him and facing the unknown is scary but sometimes its worth the risk. Everyone here is afraid of making mistakes but sometimes you have to take a chance. I know this is so cliche but if you guys are meant to be then you guys will find each other later. Especially since you guys will both be out dating and growing as individuals.