Gottabestrong Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Hi there, my ex broke up with me 10 days ago after being together for 6 months, because he could not give me what I need out of a relationship and he believes that therefore we should not be together. I agree with his reasoning, but instead of breaking up I wish he would have tried to work on our relationship and make an effort to improve the things that were not working. Instead he chose to just end it. If he is not willing to work on our relationship and is ready to walk away from one moment to the next, I believe it best for the relationship to be over, because I want more and I believe that there is a guy out there who can give me that. Yet, I still find myself thinking about him constantly, wishing he would contact me and magically change his mind and decide to give us another shot. I am really sad that it is over and he no longer is a part of my life. Why is that? Why can't my heart catch up with my head? Is this just the grieving process? I thought that once I believed that the breakup was for the best I would improve, but somehow I feel even sadder now than I did the first few days after he dumped me. Maybe because back then we were still in touch or I still had hope of a reconciliation. Or maybe it is just the rejection that hurts. Any wise words of experience?
Treasa Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Just that it won't start to get better or heal until you decide you don't WANT to hear from him anymore. Once YOU decide that you wouldn't be with him again even if he asked you to be...then you'll be able to get over him fully. 2
Sarahbee Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Your story is similar to mine except that I broke up with him because I wasn't getting what I wanted from him. The first thing to realise is that him not being able to give you what you need is not about you, it's about him. The second thing is to keep your eye on the prize and try not to get distracted by what other people say or what your heart is saying. It's natural to miss him and want it to work because you've been involved with him for six months - you can't just walk away from that without having to go through a process of grieving and letting him go. Part of that is wanting him back, even though you know in your head that he's not right for you at this time. Rejection hurts, even when you know that it's for the best and even when, as in my case, I was the one to initiate it. What you're going through right now sucks, but it's part of the process unfortunately. Of course you want him to see the error of his ways and come back to you, and you never know if that might happen in the future, but for now you have to accept that it's not going to happen, so that you can move on properly without hoping for a reconciliation - that will only prolong the process. It will get better with time, I promise. In the meantime don't try and fight away the feelings of wanting him back, because if you fight them they'll persist. Try and just make room for them and not dwell on them - they will lessen with time. Try and do new things that won't remind you of him, and treat yourself as you would treat your best friend - we should all be our own best friends! You will meet someone who can be wholeheartedly in a relationship with you, and you deserve no less than that. Good on you for knowing that and holding out for it. 1
Author Gottabestrong Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Thank you for your posts, they really help.
Chico333 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I am in a situation where I also need to move on from my ex. I broke up with him because he was not giving me the respect I deserve. I still love him and have my ups and downs. It's the worst when you are bored with nothing to do because all you can do then is think about good times and the fact that you are now alone. Think about all the good things you have in your life and how your life can only get better from here on out. Like Sarahbee said, it's a natural process you have to go through and unfortunately you have no choice. I am in the process of moving out of the apartment my ex and I share. We are on good terms thankfully but it is still difficult. Pretty soon I'll be in a nice little house all on my own where I can focus on school in peace and not have to worry about any relationship drama. I will be nearby a yoga studio that I always go to and have a smart and obedient little new puppy that I can give all my love to. I am excited to get this next phase of my life started. Like I said before, your emotions will be up and down, but try and focus on the good! Go work out, hang out with friends, spend time with family and surround yourself with things that make you feel GOOD. Hang in there. It will only get better with time.
lakerman34 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) My relationship lasted about 6 months as well, and I've been NC for 8 weeks now, so maybe I can be of some help. I learned that hoping for reconciliation is useless and just prolongs the healing process. Don't listen to his friends or mutual friends, just NC right away and try your best to move on. You're still pretty early on in your healing process, so let me help you out: If you haven't already, go to your friends support group, and it's OK to be emotional. Cry. Let it all out. I was the dumpee, and I know on D-Day, my ex balled her eyes out to her friends. They are your support group. I say 3 days of 'letting it all out' it necessary. Then, I'd get rid of ALL reminders of him. Toss EVERYTHING that reminds you of him, any pictures, and any little reminders (I had to rearrange my room completely because I remember her favorite place to sit, where we first made love, etc). Then, do things FOR YOURSELF. Talk to guys, flirt with guys, but WHATEVER you do, DO NOT do the whole 'rebound relationship' thing. Not at least for 4 months when you're 100% certain, without a doubt that you're over him. If you rebound, the relationship PROBABLY won't workout and you'll be in an even bigger hole than you are in now. My ex got over me pretty quickly, haha so it's kind of weird but I'm telling you what she did to get over me. When it comes down to it, it's YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR INTERESTS, YOUR WORK, and TALKING TO OTHER GUYS that'll get him over you. Don't do what I did though. I think it's SO childish to 'get him jealous.' I mean, what's the point? Respect his space, and even if he is getting with another girl, don't think anything of it. Hold your own. Be happy for him. He probably is using it to cope, and probably still thinks about you. My ex-gf is currently in a 'relationship' (though I've heard she's grinding up on a new guy now). What she tells me by going from relationship to relationship is that she isn't mentally healthy or secure enough to be single. Once I've FINALLY gotten over my ex, I've been doing things that I would NEVER be able to do if I were tied down. I go and visit girls that I've been friends with since high school. I'm flirting with girls left and right. I'm getting girl's numbers. I'm turning down girls. I've taken on photography and am thinking about getting into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I'm getting to know my parents better. I'm enjoying time with my friends more than ever now that I don't have to worry about my ex. I'm making myself better. I can FINALLY immerse in the moment (I'm a very future-oriented guy, and my ex was very present-oriented. Almost to a fault. I've learned from her to enjoy the moment, so I thank her for that, but I'm going to keep that valuable lesson I've learned from her even though we aren't together. It's making me enjoy life more and more enjoyable to others. Probably one of two things I learned from her, the other being the type of girl I DON'T want to be with. I, on the other hand, taught her A LOT more than 2 things). STAY strong, STAY NC, STAY off social media, STAY away from him, and BE honest with your emotions, let them flow. EDIT: ALSO, my BIGGEST mistake during post-breakup was the bottle. Don't drink, I can't begin to tell you the thoughts that came and the emotions I felt when drinking. It'll do you a TON more bad than good. I said UGLY things to mutual friends and acted a tad bit needy to her friends that were curious about our relationship and asked about it. Not worth it. It all PROBABLY went back to her. Make him see you as coming out of this STRONG, show NO weaknesses. One thing my ex and I don't do is even say 'hi' to each other when we cross paths. I think you should at least smile, say 'hi,' and leave it at that. Treat him as you would a co-worker. Nice, but not out of your way. I think my ex, by not saying 'hi' to me, is VERY emotionally weak. Don't let him see you as 'emotionally weak.' Edited December 3, 2012 by lakerman34 2
YorickBrown Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Hi there, my ex broke up with me 10 days ago after being together for 6 months, because he could not give me what I need out of a relationship and he believes that therefore we should not be together. I agree with his reasoning, but instead of breaking up I wish he would have tried to work on our relationship and make an effort to improve the things that were not working. Instead he chose to just end it. If he is not willing to work on our relationship and is ready to walk away from one moment to the next, I believe it best for the relationship to be over, because I want more and I believe that there is a guy out there who can give me that. Yet, I still find myself thinking about him constantly, wishing he would contact me and magically change his mind and decide to give us another shot. I am really sad that it is over and he no longer is a part of my life. Why is that? Why can't my heart catch up with my head? Is this just the grieving process? I thought that once I believed that the breakup was for the best I would improve, but somehow I feel even sadder now than I did the first few days after he dumped me. Maybe because back then we were still in touch or I still had hope of a reconciliation. Or maybe it is just the rejection that hurts. Any wise words of experience? Give it time. You feel pain now right? (duh! of course you do)...Well, pardon the pun (somewhat) but here's a most apt quote from Thomas Paine: "Time makes more converts than reason" So give it time, and if possible, distance (the farther the better). Out of sight, out of mind. And, I guess, needless to say NO CONTACT whatsover (delete, deactivate everything for now at least ---say goodbye to Facebook!). Take a up a new hobby or sport or something to pass away the time. Good luck!
Author Gottabestrong Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. I know, time will be the biggest factor in my recovery process, but I just wish I could speed this process along. I have never been very patient and right now I find it even harder. I have a question and I would love to hear your opinions. I realize nobody can 'know' his reasoning, but even theories would be helpful as this is driving me crazy. So here is the thing, he broke up with me via text, I did not reply and the next day he sent me an email explaining his reasoning and complaining that I am giving him the 'silent treatment'. I replied, first with an upset email, but then, when I saw that he changed his relationship status on facebook, with a pleading one, asking him to give us another chance. He replied straight away via text, telling me he was at work and could not talk right now, but he would soon. So when he gets home he sends me this long email, detailling again his reasoning for the breakup, but also saying that he still loves and misses me, and does not know where to go from here. I did not reply, because I did not want to pressure him, and also because I was told that he might not even want an answer. 3 days later he emails me again, apologizing for failing at so many things with me and asking me if I was okay. As a reply I send him this nice, gracious, kind email, in which I tell him that I don't hold any grudges against him, that I am still sad, but that I think it is for the best, and that I will always remember him fondly and wish him the best for the future. That was nearly a week ago and he never replied! I don't understand. It seemed like he wanted to talk after the breakup, he told me he still cared and wanted to know I am doing alright. But then when I send him this nice 'goodbye' email, he ignores it. I really expected him to reply with something like: 'Thank you. I feel the same and wish you all the best for the future.' You know, closure. Something final, but since he has not I am still waiting, checking my emails and expecting him to write. I don't expect an email telling me he wants to get back together, but why totally ignore my message and not wish me the best for the future too? This is really messing with my head. I kinda feel like I need to hear him say goodbye for me to really move on. Any ideas what is going on? Thank you!
Treasa Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 This is why I was hoping you wouldn't respond to his email. You'd feel better than you do now. Don't expect an email from him unless he feels bored or lonely and just wants to see if he can still string you along. He said what he wanted to say, and now he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He's a jerk who doesn't deserve you. If he did, he'd be making a real actual effort to be with you. I say you pretend you never sent him anything, and just move on and do your best to forget him. Go out with your girl friends, don't drink, and just have fun. Plan some goals you want to accomplish in the new year. Oh, and be sure to work out every day!! My psychologist recommended it to me, and I can't even express how helpful this was.
Author Gottabestrong Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 You are right, it is just really hard to accept. But I guess it is better I see that side of him than still think he is this great, awesome guy that I somehow let slip through my fingers. Still hurts a lot, though.
Sarahbee Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Breaking up via text, and then emailing his reasons, and then not responding to your email, are all signs of someone who's immature and unable to articulate his feelings. You're much better off without someone like that. If he didn't have the courage and courtesy to break up with you face to face and to explain to you why he was ending it, then he wouldn't have been a great boyfriend to have in the long term. Communication is critical in any relationship, and text and email communication are simply not adequate for conducting a relationship. He said in his email that he loves and misses you, and then doesn't respond to your email - if he loves and misses you, he should be banging your door down to tell you that to your face. Sadly a lot of people out there hide behind technology because it means they don't have to face up to seeing the disappointment or pain they're causing to others. You're better than that, that's why his behaviour is confusing you. Go NC and let it go, it's better than being in a relationship with a non-communicative coward. The pain will subside in time, and you'll meet someone when you're ready to. In the meantime look after yourself and talk to your girlfriends for as long as you need to 3
coans Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 breaking up via email? I am probably old fashioned, older and stand on one principal..a break up has to happen in person. it is too easy for someone to break up electronically. maybe it is a generational thing but all those words written down would just plague me..eat me up inside. I hate email because sometimes it just sears the words into your head. if you can do it in person, at least have him call you and talk on the phone. the emails will just become some kind of terrible reminder of the break up...i am glad my ex was not really a very good speller..in fact he had dyslexia so everything he wrote needed to be corrected...spell check could not do the job and it had to be done by someone else...usually me. but if he had emailed me a break up email after seven years..I would be correcting the spelling in order to read it. believe me it is totally clear what he is saying..but typing and emailing those kind of sentiments is just plain wrong. gather up your strength and tell the dude that you want to meet him for coffee. do not accept the treatment of being broken up with by email. it is ... in my wisdom and age...about as weak and purile as making a phony phone call and hanging up. stupid, immature, and you hope they get caught. breaking up by email would make me want to scream. remember sex and the city and the post it note breakup? you have to call this guy out for his bad behavior, set him straight, and make him squirm. It may not change the fact that you have a broken heart..but don't let your romantic life and ongoing struggle to meet the right guy have this kind of ending. to begin again, you need a face to face conversation and proper ending. sorry but I feel very strongly about this.
Renard99 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 You are right, it is just really hard to accept. But I guess it is better I see that side of him than still think he is this great, awesome guy that I somehow let slip through my fingers. Still hurts a lot, though. Don't look at it like you let him slip through your fingers. He's the one that just bailed out when the going got tough. My ex did the exact same thing. I was willing to do all that I could to get the relationship back on track, if only she had let me know the problems before hand rather than as she was walking out of the door. It's something that always angered me after the break up. If we'd have worked on it and then it still ended, I'd have felt a tiny bit better knowing we'd at least tried! Nobody's perfect and problems can, and do, arise but the strength of the relationship is only as strong as the effort put in by both parties. He bailed, he's the one that let the relationship slip away without a fight.
cavalier99 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. I know, time will be the biggest factor in my recovery process, but I just wish I could speed this process along. I have never been very patient and right now I find it even harder. I have a question and I would love to hear your opinions. I realize nobody can 'know' his reasoning, but even theories would be helpful as this is driving me crazy. So here is the thing, he broke up with me via text, I did not reply and the next day he sent me an email explaining his reasoning and complaining that I am giving him the 'silent treatment'. I replied, first with an upset email, but then, when I saw that he changed his relationship status on facebook, with a pleading one, asking him to give us another chance. He replied straight away via text, telling me he was at work and could not talk right now, but he would soon. So when he gets home he sends me this long email, detailling again his reasoning for the breakup, but also saying that he still loves and misses me, and does not know where to go from here. I did not reply, because I did not want to pressure him, and also because I was told that he might not even want an answer. 3 days later he emails me again, apologizing for failing at so many things with me and asking me if I was okay. As a reply I send him this nice, gracious, kind email, in which I tell him that I don't hold any grudges against him, that I am still sad, but that I think it is for the best, and that I will always remember him fondly and wish him the best for the future. That was nearly a week ago and he never replied! I don't understand. It seemed like he wanted to talk after the breakup, he told me he still cared and wanted to know I am doing alright. But then when I send him this nice 'goodbye' email, he ignores it. I really expected him to reply with something like: 'Thank you. I feel the same and wish you all the best for the future.' You know, closure. Something final, but since he has not I am still waiting, checking my emails and expecting him to write. I don't expect an email telling me he wants to get back together, but why totally ignore my message and not wish me the best for the future too? This is really messing with my head. I kinda feel like I need to hear him say goodbye for me to really move on. Any ideas what is going on? Thank you! I have an idea what is going on. You are going down the rabbitt hole Scurry out! There is no reason. It just is.
Author Gottabestrong Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Hi guys, thank you for your replies. It's been over two weeks since the breakup and 9 days of NC. Most of the time I am doing fine. I still think about him and us a lot, but if I remind myself of the bad times and why we are not good together, I can push those sad thoughts away. Today has been really difficult though. I keep thinking about him all the time, and nearly sent him a text earlier. All it said was "I miss you". I had already typed it into my phone, but when I thought about what I hoped to achieve with this and what I should reasonably expect, I did not. The only thing I want to hear from him is "I miss you too. Give me another chance." But that is never going to happen. So why torture myself? If he doesn't reply at all I will feel miserable, and if he replies with something like "I am sorry you are struggling." I will be feeling rejected and stupid. I know it is better to stay away and never contact him again, but that thought also makes me so sad. I realize that our relationship did not last forever, but for 6 months he has been on my mind 24/7, we were in touch a few times per day, he was the first person I talked to in the morning, the last I talked to at night and the one person I always contacted when something good or bad happened in my life. I still feel that impulse various times per day, and I still check my phone ever morning to see if he texted me "Good morning" like he used to do. Guess I am just struggling today. A reason might be that today was my last day at work here and normally I would be flying back to be with him today or this weekend. But now that we are broken up the thought of flying back and not meeting him at the airport or rushing to his place really hurts me. I don't even want to fly home anymore. I don't want to be back and not see him, I am afraid that everything would remind me of him and I would drive past his house every day and have a breakdown. Really don't know what to do with myself now. Life just sucks sometimes.
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