Today seems much worse than even just a couple of days ago

[jwhite]

It's hard to describe what I am feeling, but it is madenning! I think it is depression. I feel very weak, SUPER sad, unmotivated, and scared when I go out. I am scared of other people for some reason, its almost like I think they know what I am going through and they dont give a sh*t....I think that they are better than me in some way or something like that. I see every silver car and I look twice since I think it might be her. I am also back to getting all excited when my phone makes a noise thinking it is her even though she is blocked...might think she might call from her friends phone or something. I have already commited to myself that the only way I would accept any contact is if she stopped at my house basically saying she regrets leaving, she found that she IS in love with me and wants me back. I know I shouldnt accept any less, and I told her that should be the only way I would want to hear from her again as I do not want to be friends. But I still think that she has too much pride to even stop by if she really did want me back.

 

The BU happened 5 weeks ago monday and I have been NC basically the entire time, except for two days post BU where I stopped by bc I still had hope AND one day (past tues) where she dropped some of my stuff off that I left at her place, but I never took bc I didnt want the reminders or uselessness of the items (unmatching socks and crap). She never knocked or anything, but I still consider it a breach of NC bc it affected me.

 

Why do I feel like this today? I went out with my friends to play Vball a couple of weeks ago and I felt fine, but I am afraid to go this time because I dont think I will be any fun because of the way I feel. Why is it after 5 weeks that I feel this way and the amount of time I think about her has not decreased. I also cant stop thinking about if she is even remotely hurt over this or even thinking about me at all. Worst of all, I cant bear the thought of her with someone else....it wont leave my head and it is the most sensitive thing about this whole crappy situation. When I watch TV or movies and see something sexual my mind automatically goes to those DEMON thoughts. It disgusts me.

 

I have been on here and developed such a good understanding of the innerworkings of what people say are successful post BU's and I am applying most of it, but I just cant help to stop the flood of thoughts about her during the day, nights, weekends. I also have a good sense of where I need to take my life and how to fill the holes that the BU has left, the time gaps and selfconfidence holes, but it is hard to keep it going. This part of life sucks so bad. I just want her back, it would be so easy then.

[cavalier99]

It is tough man. It will get better. Promise.

 

Sounds like you really need to grieve some more. Read what i went through in the the link bellow. That seemed to be a turning point for me. Just let it all out!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/357332-friggin-fed-up-sick-tired-recovery

Edited December 2, 2012 by cavalier99

[jwhite]

I have read that post of yours before. It is a huge help to know that at 2 months you were still feeling the way you were, however messed up that might sound.

 

I too am fed up with this whole thing. I feel tired from it, like I have no grieving left in me or something. I really want to go through this right and not be messed up for good, which is something that I fear.

 

I have some interest in reading about the stages of grieving, but I am afraid to find out by reading about it that I F'ed up somewhere in the stages. I want to cry some more or whatever, but it feels like I am out of tears or something ie. a false sense of self confidence like a defense mechanism that I have built up over the years.

[cavalier99]

Hmmm.. mayby i misread where you are. You are in fact further ahead!

 

So no more tears!

 

Recently ive been focused on manning up instead of reliving the past. Im just not letting mysef wallow anymore. Im making a consciouses effort to snap myself out of any self pity or even thoughts relating to her. No more analysis or reliving things.

 

Im trying to view things much more objectivley and logically and it seems to be working for the most part.

 

I think we need to be in the "toughen up phase". (Yes i made this up). It is time to remember what it was like before we were in a relationship and had confidence! Im actually somewhat grateful that this is happening. It is a huge learning experience and we are going to be so much stronger and wiser.

 

It is just time to buck up and wipe away the tears and start living again.

 

We will get there. Dont lose hope!

[jwhite]

Thanks brother.

 

I dont know if I am ahead or not. This grieving seems to be changing all the time. Back and forth. No real clear phase, although I havent read anything about it yet.

 

I just dont want to prevent anything that should be happening naturally. I just want to come out of this like a real person and not someone I just perceive as myself....ie full of myself fakeness

[cavalier99]

Hmm again

 

Well the wide array of emotion is defiantly normal. And im sure your no missing out on any recovery phases..well have you been angry yet? Warning : This can help for a while but you cant stay there. You seem very forgiving of her and that girl the other day. That stuff was crazy lol.

 

Im not sure what you mean about coming out of this as someone you perceive and not yourself with fakeness?

 

But if it is any consolation i lie to myself about how i feel until i feel it or at least try. I guess it is cognitive behavioral stuff. IM STRONG; IM HAPPY ect.

 

Just keep on slugging it out. Time in the end is our savior. We will nlt be stuck in this forever as long as we dont break NC and have a strong desire to get better.

[lakerman34]

The way you feel is COMPLETELY normal. Still, I think it's best that you REALIZE it's over. You're going to want to get back with her, and you should let these feelings flow, but DON'T keep hope that you guys are going to get back together. Seriously, had I just realized that my relationship was COMPLETELY over, I think my healing process would have taken half the time.

 

I know the feeling. You look through windows of the cafe you guys always went to, you always look in her favorite restaurant to see if she is there.

 

My advice: Try hard to stop. Make sure you are COMPLETELY NC. And no half-ass NC. I recommend COMPLETELY getting rid of ALL social media. Not just 'blocking' them. Temptation will always be too big to unblock them and see what they are up to. This will prolong your healing.

 

DON'T frequent her favorite places. If they are also your favorite places, then I recommend you find other places (new gym, restaurants, etc.)

 

Chill with your boys. This helped me out A LOT. It isn't unmanly to cry in front of your closest friends and/or in private. Let it ALL out.

 

There are going to be days when you feel like this. There are going to be days when you feel on top of the world.

 

Just BE READY for the 'I have a new BF' phone call, or even worse (like I experienced it), seeing your ex making out with her new BF that happens to be one of your friends just 10 feet in front of you. Don't do anything regrettable, just leave the venue and let all your emotions out to, once again, your friends or to yourself. Listen to sad music for a couple of days, watch Forgetting Sarah Marsall and 500 Days of Summer. 2 best breakup movies that you are going to see SO MANY similarities between you and the main characters in those movies. You'll feel like a million bucks after each.

 

Then, after about 3 days of grieving, STOP LISTENING TO SAD MUSIC, and TURN UP THE HAPPY MUSIC. Delve deeper into one of your favorite hobbies, or start a new one. For my current ex, photography has become a thing for me. My last ex, I got a tattoo that I ALWAYS wanted (but I don't recommend you do this haha).

 

WORKOUT or DO SOME SORT OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY ON THE REGULAR. When I workout, I think of myself beating the ish outta her new boyfriend, and it helps me do a few more reps, lift a few more pounds, you get the idea. I HIGHLY recommend investing in P90X. That was what I did with another ex of mine, I got into RIDICULOUS shape, and scored my last ex (she was kind of a babe, but turns out, also a beetch).

 

In psychology, there is this thing called The Polar Bear Effect. If you try hard NOT to think about polar bears, you WILL think about polar bears. Accept that she's going to come to mind sometimes, and learn to associate her with NEGATIVE feelings and NEGATIVE words. I looked at a picture of my ex, and dissected it. Her hair separates very weirdly, she's pudgy, got horse teeth, and then I remembered everything I didn't like about her during the relationship (i.e. she's now a smoker, she always needs to get blackout drunk, she's kinda stupid, horrible at sex, etc. etc. etc.)

 

Now, sometimes she comes into my mind in the 'what could have been context,' but I quickly tell myself "I'm happy that my time with her has happened, but no way in hell do I want that relationship again. Too stressful, too much work, I invested too much and got nothing out of it, and I need a much deeper girl. She was so shallow."

 

Do NOT talk negatively about her to mutual friends. Your own friends and you can have a few bash sessions. Hell, better yet, girl friends you have that aren't friends with her are usually even MORE critical (one of my closest girl friends said 'she's not pretty', 'she had horse teeth', 'she was fat', 'she was so shallow', 'she was so stupid', just very brutally honest).

 

AND I CANNOT stress this enough: GET RID OF FACEBOOK. GET RID OF TWITTER. BLACKLIST BOTH SO YOU CAN'T EVEN ACCESS THEM. Temptation will always be too great. You don't even want to see a PICTURE of her. Not worth it.

 

Also how old are you? I'm 22, and I know that although friends' opinions have helped out, adults' opinions have helped out even more. Make sure you ask the right ones though. I met a guy literally 5 minutes after my breakup who was divorced and told me 'she did you a favor,' and got upset at me when I told him it would take me 2 weeks (it actually took me about 7) to get over her. This guy was an idiot who clearly thought he was the ish but was not. One of those 'be a man and don't cry about it' kind of guys. Clearly mommy and daddy didn't give him enough hugs when he was a child.

 

I spoke to an administrator who I'm very tight with at my school and a school psychologist who's helping me get into medical school. They were extremely insightful and made me realize that I was BETTER than my ex, and I should move on for the sole reason that I am leaving a relationship that I was better than and one day I'll find another girl that'll make my ex look nearly worthless.

 

Don't be afraid to tell your story, just make sure you keep it to close friends, family, and people you trust.

 

STAY AWAY from alcohol. I called my ex a 'slut,' 'whore,' 'bitch,' and other choice words to HER FRIENDS because I was drunk. It makes you look like a loser and makes you very emotional. By all means, call her these things to your own CLOSE friends, but NOT to anybody else. And PLEASE stay away from booze. It is one thing I wish I had done. Had I stayed off the bottle, I think my ex would have had a MUCH harder time with the breakup, and I'd be home free.

Edited December 3, 2012 by lakerman34

[jwhite]

Thanks lakerman. I am 29. I keep wanting to write 31, but that is how old she is. I am 29!!! Not for long though

 

Good job with the 7 weeks. I dont think I will be able to do it in that short amount of time bc we were together for almost 5 years, but I do have hope.

 

Sometimes when too much builds up inside I feel like I have to force myself to cry again by listening to "sad" music. I am really digging Ludivico Eiunadi right now. I am also starting to read the classics, which is a bucket list item for me; started huckleberry. I also hit the gym 2hrs 6-7days and eat a TON to stop the fatigue.

 

I have also deactivated FB because the fear of seeing or reading something was too great. I initially blocked her and her friends, but that was not enough. I even have strong temptations to check even now, but I know that would be sabotage for how far I have come. Block is the only way to go for at least six months for me.

 

About the alcohol. I made a promise to myself that I wouldnt touch it until I was ready. The last time I had a break up like this almost 10 years ago, I drank, fought, and eventually got a DUI. That set me back YEARS. I have had 2 nights where I had something to drink, that last one was this weekend. I had 4 beers, which isnt bad, but it was scary because the temptation to drink more was back. The next morning was extremely rough because hangovers make me emotionally weak and it my healing back yesterday I think.

 

I am glad you guys were on here yesterday and said the things you did. You handled my problem elegantly.

[lakerman34]

Thanks lakerman. I am 29. I keep wanting to write 31, but that is how old she is. I am 29!!! Not for long though

 

Good job with the 7 weeks. I dont think I will be able to do it in that short amount of time bc we were together for almost 5 years, but I do have hope.

 

Sometimes when too much builds up inside I feel like I have to force myself to cry again by listening to "sad" music. I am really digging Ludivico Eiunadi right now. I am also starting to read the classics, which is a bucket list item for me; started huckleberry. I also hit the gym 2hrs 6-7days and eat a TON to stop the fatigue.

 

I have also deactivated FB because the fear of seeing or reading something was too great. I initially blocked her and her friends, but that was not enough. I even have strong temptations to check even now, but I know that would be sabotage for how far I have come. Block is the only way to go for at least six months for me.

 

About the alcohol. I made a promise to myself that I wouldnt touch it until I was ready. The last time I had a break up like this almost 10 years ago, I drank, fought, and eventually got a DUI. That set me back YEARS. I have had 2 nights where I had something to drink, that last one was this weekend. I had 4 beers, which isnt bad, but it was scary because the temptation to drink more was back. The next morning was extremely rough because hangovers make me emotionally weak and it my healing back yesterday I think.

 

I am glad you guys were on here yesterday and said the things you did. You handled my problem elegantly.

 

Yeah, 5 years is going to take a while. Definitely.

 

But, everything you are doing is the right thing. Just let the emotions flow, do you, try to do new things, stay physically active, have fun, and enjoy SINGLE life!

 

Also, watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Ten times if you have to. It's funny, but it's SO realistic. A real special movie put together for men facing breakups.