What has become of my life

[Samw1989]

Hi guys, this is my first post on here so please go easy on me, it's going to be very long winded I'm afraid!

 

My name is Sam, I'm 23 years old and have recently split up with my ex girlfriend, we have a beautiful 17 month old little girl together and our relationship lasted for 3 years.

 

We split up around a month ago, and to be honest with you, I seem to have put my life on hold ever since. I don't want to go into great detail, but basically I wasn't a perfect boyfriend, I used to put her down, tell her we would be better off not together, I tried to make her abort our daughter while she was pregnant (I am so glad she didn't now!) I was quite paranoid about her running off with someone else, so I'd always comment on what she was wearing when she went out & ring her up a lot when she was out, yeah I know not good at all

 

It really was a case of 'you don't know what you've got until its gone' - she was my only serious relationship and I really did think we were going to be together forever, she only communicated all of the above problems to me on the day of our breakup, so I was kind of oblivious to the whole situation.

 

I know full well it takes 2 people to make or break a relationship and at the moment i really resent her for not approaching me with the issues she had.

 

Anyway to the point, I want her back more than ever, we have a beautiful child together & I know in my heart of hearts, when we were good, we were really good.

 

I did the whole begging and crying thing for a couple of weeks, which I have now learnt was a massive mistake & has probably dug me into an ever deeper hole.

 

At the moment we are just starting talk again (we have to because of our daughter) although when we first split she didn't talk at all for about 2 weeks, went completely cold, not like her at all - she told me that the past 8 months or so of our relationship felt to her like we were more like brother and sister rather than partners 'why do you think I hardly ever kissed you & why do you think we barely ever had sex in the last few months' she has said, 'because it has felt really awkward for me'

 

Another massive kick in the teeth is, a week after we split up she started a relationship with her sister in laws ex. Now I don't really know him too well, but I did meet him in passing a few times while we were together, one thing I do remember about him is he really messed her sister in law about, and I remember my partner telling me about it when we were together & saying what a nasty piece of work he had been! Also her sister in law and him only split up 2 months ago (they were together for 4 years)

 

She has assured me, and I believe her.. That her and this new guy weren't talking or seeing eachother while we were together.

 

I have ADHD syndrome so i struggle to read people's feelings as it is, and I know this isnt an excuse, but I do think that some of my actions in our relationship were down to that.

 

When I ask her why she was bad mouthing this guy a year or so ago and why she's now with him, the only answer she can give me is 'he's changed'

 

I have always been nasty to the people I love the most, mainly my parents as a child and my ex dumping me had been kind of like a wake up call, I have sorted myself some cognitive behavioural therapy, some councelling and am seeng a psychiatrist to try and address some of my issues.

 

My main problem is I want her back so so bad, I really do feel like she is the one, I don't want anyone else and I don't think I ever will... It's just I dunno what I'm asking for help with really, I mean she says she still loves me but she can't be with me, 'I'm not going back she says' and I say it's not going back, it would be a fresh start!

 

I'll be honest with you guys, if she asked me back tomorrow i would say no, I really am serious about getting help & sorting myself out for good, otherwise I know things would go back to how they were pretty quickly.

 

I think the main thing I need help with is:

 

Is it possible to re-build the bridges between us, and if so what is the best way to go about things?

 

She isn't my first love but the reason I feel the need to fight so hard for this is I have never felt so strongly about anyone before, and I'm pretty sure i never will. I miss everything about her, her beautiful smile, her hugs, her presence, her smell... Everything about her I miss so bad, so bad that none of my friends and family seem to be able to understand!

 

I think the guy she is with is a rebound, 1. Because she assured me she wasn't seeing him while we were together & I believe her. 2. She got with him within a week... So to be honest, I shouldn't be intimidated by him... But I can't help it I'm so jealous (I guess only she knows if he's a rebound or not) but then again I guess she's not thinking 100% straight at the moment, another thing that really doesn't help matters is me and her mum really don't get on, infact we hate eachother, she's now living with her mum

 

I know you guys can't magically make her want me again, but maybe there is someone else out there who had been in a similar situation?

 

I have even looked at these 'get your ex back' downloads and stuff, but to be honest I'm very skeptical.

 

I think I'm over all the crying and stuff now, have been for a few days. Just don't really know what to do next?

 

Edited December 2, 2012 by Samw1989

[Mcnulty]

The balls in her court. She will make the decision to get back together or not in the future. She will do what is best for her and she will use this guy as a rebound, because she can.

 

You treat her bad man, talking down to her, checking up on her and the biggie, telling her to get an abortion..that will stick in her mind always I think.

 

Work on you, yes, you're doing the right thing seeking some CBT.

 

2 things I don't buy - ADHD doesn't stop you reading people, don't use that as an excuse. Also you would take her back tomorrow, you know you would.

 

Take a step back, give her space, be a good dad most importantly and keep your pride and dignity. like I said at the beginning, it aint your choice, it's hers to make.

[Samw1989]

The balls in her court. She will make the decision to get back together or not in the future. She will do what is best for her and she will use this guy as a rebound, because she can.

 

You treat her bad man, talking down to her, checking up on her and the biggie, telling her to get an abortion..that will stick in her mind always I think.

 

Work on you, yes, you're doing the right thing seeking some CBT.

 

2 things I don't buy - ADHD doesn't stop you reading people, don't use that as an excuse. Also you would take her back tomorrow, you know you would.

 

Take a step back, give her space, be a good dad most importantly and keep your pride and dignity. like I said at the beginning, it aint your choice, it's hers to make.

 

 

I agree with you, I do seem to have full control of my ADHD, although I still feel that it does tend to affect my day to day decision making abilities. I really wouldn't take her back tomorrow, because for sure it would just be the same again... I want to genuinely change & become a better person and spend the rest of my life with her

Edited December 3, 2012 by Samw1989

[hinatticus]

I'm in your boat man. Just be prepared for a long road. I've been broken up for almost 10 months now and just found out my ex has been dating someone for the past month. I'm heart broken all over again.

 

The thing is, your ex like mine will need a long time to recover from what you put her through. My ex still hold resentment towards me and she will for another year at least. We have shared custody of our 2 year old and at least we are very amicable towards that end.

 

All I know is, don't do anything and I mean anything that will put a wedge between the two of you. Be the best father possible. That's what I'm doing now. Also, read all the self help books you can and stay in counseling.

 

Hope it works out for you man.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's moved on. She's with someone else now. It's time you moved on. Sorry, if it isn't what you wanted to hear. But, you're putting yourself on hold for someone that has left you behind. Well, you need to start walking down your own path in life. Start going NC on her. Only communicate with her about your daughter and that's it. Get an allotment started so that your child support payments go directly into her back account so you don't have to run monthly checks to her.

 

You're relationship may be over with her. But, you still are a Dad to that little girl. So, you have to make it your mission in life to be the best Dad to that girl that you can be. Enjoy your time with your daughter. They're only going to be this age only once. Plus, you may not have a relationship with her mother anymore. But, your Ex will respect you for being an awesome Dad.

[Samw1989]

Dude, she's moved on. She's with someone else now. It's time you moved on. Sorry, if it isn't what you wanted to hear. But, you're putting yourself on hold for someone that has left you behind. Well, you need to start walking down your own path in life. Start going NC on her. Only communicate with her about your daughter and that's it. Get an allotment started so that your child support payments go directly into her back account so you don't have to run monthly checks to her.

 

You're relationship may be over with her. But, you still are a Dad to that little girl. So, you have to make it your mission in life to be the best Dad to that girl that you can be. Enjoy your time with your daughter. They're only going to be this age only once. Plus, you may not have a relationship with her mother anymore. But, your Ex will respect you for being an awesome Dad.

 

 

I am without a doubt going to be the best dad I possibly can be, just I know I will always want her back, also I'm pretty sure she's not thinking 100% straight at the moment. I don't want anyone else, I am going to sort myself out and show her I can be a proper man & treat her right, hopefully she will be able to see it, even if it takes me 10 years ill wait.. You only live once and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.