Lexie82 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Sorry for the essay but could use some advice.. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 10 months ago saying he didnt love me and never thought it was going to come. We'd met travelling Australia and he blew really hot for the first few months. 6 months before he met me he had just broken up with a girlfriend he had been in a relationship with on and off for a couple of years. This girl he had allegedly loved but had fallen out of love with her and broken up with her 3 times. After a month or so we were officially in a relationship and a few months after that he embarrassed me by saying to a group of people we had only just met that he 'guessed he was in a relationship'. I was upset and he said I was over reacting and it was just a joke. He took me to meet his parents who were holidaying in Australia, told me i was perfect and everything he wanted but that he didnt love me yet but knew it was going to come. We were from different countries so when we came back to our own countries we were discussing our options for being together and i was applying for a working holiday visa to go to Canada. before the visa a was granted i went to visit him and two weeks later he dumped me. After 6 months we were in touch again and got back together. He still wanted me to come out to Canada and i went out there and lived with him in his parents apartment. after a month of being there and everything being fantastic i found out that the day i had left on my first visit (two weeks prior to him dumping me) he had cheated on me. i was heartbroken but he told me it had made him realise it was me he wanted to be with and he realised he was falling for me. He then went to Asia on a 4 month scholarship, we met in Japan for Christmas and then came back to Canada. He was talking to me about kids and retirement and then a week later he dumped me again. After he dumped me and i moved out he kept on taking me for dinner, staying at mine, telling me he was an idiot and needed to fix his issues. He said he didnt want to be in a relationship with anyone and he hoped one day we may have the possibility of getting back together. I left Canada and came back to the UK in June and I now find out he's in a relationship with a 20 year old kid. He's 28 and im 30. I keep thinking I am the biggest idiot out there firstly, for loving someone who treated me as disposable and secondly, for tolerating being treat that way. He always knew how to act the nice guy and everyone thought he was great and i got sucked into the whole show. I'm now 30 years old, back living in the UK at my parents place, have a dead end job but have a permanent residency visa in the final stages of being processed allowing me to return to Canada. I'm feeling like my life just exploded before my eyes and am trying to figure out where I go from here...
YorickBrown Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 You should have recognized at the very beginning, that the relationship was either not really meant to be or not really meant for you (or each other)...I think the problem was you kinda "desperately" wanted it to have a fairy tale ending (because you already met his parents right? and had trial live-in)...Unfortunately.... “If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.” Dont sweat it too much...you'll probably have "new & brighter" prospects in Canada. Start another story there. Good luck eyh?!!
Sarahbee Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I'm sorry that you've been treated badly, and also that you're still feeling bad 10 months down the track. Don't feel bad about being sucked into his vortex, that's not a fault on your part because you took him at face value. The important and valuable thing to come out of that is that now you'll know the danger signs early on should you ever meet someone like that again - hopefully you won't! This guy obviously doesn't know what he wants, and at the moment is not worthy of your time or attention. I assume you've been NC with him, but if not you need to go NC and stay that way, grieve for the loss and focus on you and what you want to do with your life. Do you want to go back to Canada or is it just so you can be near him? Are you hoping for a reconciliation if you go back? Best to sort out in your mind and be honest with yourself about what your motivations are, and if they are about wanting him back, then it would be best not to go there. If not, then there's nothing to stop you going there and having some fun and new experiences if that's what you feel like doing, but maybe in a different city from him. The most important thing is to be kind to yourself and go through the process of letting him go. Talk to your friends, write it all down, read some helpful books, meditate, do whatever helps you get over him. You'll get there, I promise! Best of luck to you.
Author Lexie82 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Yeah we are NC since August as it all ended very badly. He hates me now and I know he isnt worth it anymore, especially after everything he ever said seems to have turned out to be a lie. I have no plans to ever get in touch with him again but its the feelings of rejection, being replaced by a kid and the fact I made some really poor decisions in the relationship that im struggling with. I know i have this fantastic opportunity but I'm worried by the fact I made some awful decisions in the past few years. I dont want to make anymore terrible mistakes which are going to result in me being more unhappy than I currently am. Im worried if i go to Canada I wont make friends and will end up really lonely but I know I dont want to stay here as i feel stuck in a rut. I've lost confidence in making decisions and really dont know what i should do for the best.
Sarahbee Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I'm sorry you're feeling so crap Lexie, but you won't always feel like this. It's good that you're not holding onto thoughts of getting back with him, so now you're free to do whatever you want without considering him. If you're feeling like you're in a rut, why not take a chance and move to a new city? I've done that a few times, and I've found that I really make an effort to meet people and make friends, and it works! Loneliness is a great motivator! Don't waste time regretting your decisions, both in and out of that relationship. Regret is really a waste of time and energy. You're learning from your mistakes and you won't make them again if you take the lessons on board. There really aren't any wrong decisions because every decision leads us to new opportunities for growth. Look at your situation as it is right now, and then look at what's working and what isn't. If you decide to move overseas, plan it as much as you can, and do as much research as you can before you go. That way you'll feel more empowered about it and prepared. If it doesn't work out, you can always come back, so try not to stress about the what-ifs. Whatever happens, you'll handle it, and you never know what great things are awaiting you if you don't get out there. Good luck to you
Recommended Posts