rie05 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I have posted previously about my break up on the forum... He dumped me. He had been cheating. I caught him out - long story short. I had decided to draw a line under the whole situation and try to get on with my life. Trying to be positive. I still get a little down but nowhere near as bad... Anyway... NC had been on and off for the 2 weeks after we split but I had decided enough was enough and that was it. On Monday he collected his things from my house (as he was living here) and text me saying "I have been to collect my things. Is that it?" I replied "Yes, that's it". He replied "Unbelievable". I promised myself that was it. Hard NC. On Tuesday he called me on my work number. I wasn't expecting it at all. He basically called to have a go at me, yet again. Accused of not caring he had moved out etc.. I put him straight. Told him I didn't want anything to do with him. He was a lier and a cheat and I was done. Anyway since then he has been constantly texting, calling. He has even turned up at my work (although he did not come in!). Trying to say that he still needs time and space but he loves me blah blah. Calling me cold for ignoring his calls and messages. Telling me I am showing him just how much I cared by ignoring him. I just want to get on with it now. Of course I still have feelings. Every time I get a text my heart jumps out of my chest. It's unfair. Why would he continue to hurt me? I just don't get the rational behind it...!
Toddbt12y1 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 The Guy is nuts. That's why sweetie. But no one ever needed s reason to hurt someone. If he does not stop...get a restraint on him. He's scum.
h4m484 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I think that he realizes what he lost but has too much pride to start begging you so instead he resorts to anger and frustration. Basically, he wants you to help him through the breakup probably because you were his best friend.
sharsh Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 My ex is doing the same thing. He won't leave me alone. He KNOWS it hurts me. Knows what he's doing. But still, he does it. He's being selfish, and only thinking of himself.
Author rie05 Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 I just can't deal with it. I asked him to stop. He said he can not. He apologised for hurting me finally. I know he doesn't want me back. He said he has lost his home, he lost me, he has lost everything etc and he is sad and he knows I don't believe him. He left to screw these 18 year old girls (more than one involved. we are both 29). Sigh. I feel like I was trying to move on and these messages just bring it all up and make me so sad. I realise he is no good for me.
sharsh Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Are our exes friends? Mine did the exact same thing. He told me to block his number because he "can't stop" contacting me. Everytime the wound is close to healing, he rips the scab right off.
geegirl Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 (edited) I just can't deal with it. I asked him to stop. He said he can not. He apologised for hurting me finally. I know he doesn't want me back. He said he has lost his home, he lost me, he has lost everything etc and he is sad and he knows I don't believe him. He left to screw these 18 year old girls (more than one involved. we are both 29). Sigh. I feel like I was trying to move on and these messages just bring it all up and make me so sad. I realise he is no good for me. It's not his responsibility to help you move on, it's yours. Understand that he is a cheater. Cheaters manipulate to get what they want regardless of consequences. Regardless of whether it hurts anyone. In that sense, your need to move on is not his priority. His priority is to get what he needs from you, whether it be sex, a crutch, attention, a fallback, etc., again even when he knows it hurts you. Did he care about you or text you a million times when he was laying on top of the 18 year olds? Nope. He had no regard for you, nor does he have when he makes contact, knowing it hurts you. My cheater came back several times, although at the time when he would end it, and come crying, I didn't know he was cheating with others. Did he come back because he loved me? I don't believe so. It's not love. It's just unhealthy attachment that needs to break. You are responsible for your own well-being and your own emotional health. If you choose not to block him or ignore his messages then it's not his fault but yours. Everytime you engage, you teach him he has a hold on you and that it is affecting you, hence the power is still in his hands. There is nothing you can achieve from being with someone like him. Seek a healthy partner. Don't settle for one that you feel sorry for or one that you hope will change their cheating ways. Edited December 2, 2012 by geegirl
Author rie05 Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 It's not his responsibility to help you move on, it's yours. Understand that he is a cheater. Cheaters manipulate to get what they want regardless of consequences. Regardless of whether it hurts anyone. In that sense, your need to move on is not his priority. His priority is to get what he needs from you, whether it be sex, a crutch, attention, a fallback, etc., again even when he knows it hurts you. Did he care about you or text you a million times when he was laying on top of the 18 year olds? Nope. He had no regard for you, nor does he have when he makes contact, knowing it hurts you. My cheater came back several times, although at the time when he would end it, and come crying, I didn't know he was cheating with others. Did he come back because he loved me? I don't believe so. It's not love. It's just unhealthy attachment that needs to break. You are responsible for your own well-being and your own emotional health. If you choose not to block him or ignore his messages then it's not his fault but yours. Everytime you engage, you teach him he has a hold on you and that it is affecting you, hence the power is still in his hands. There is nothing you can achieve from being with someone like him. Seek a healthy partner. Don't settle for one that you feel sorry for or one that you hope will change their cheating ways. Yeah I know you are right. I know I need to give myself time but I did feel with NC that I could somehow get my head around it. Concentrate on myself. I just don't really understand his need to text me, as after all he is the one that left. When he called me at work, I made it clear that I would not take him back and that I deserved better.
geegirl Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Yeah I know you are right. I know I need to give myself time but I did feel with NC that I could somehow get my head around it. Concentrate on myself. I just don't really understand his need to text me, as after all he is the one that left. When he called me at work, I made it clear that I would not take him back and that I deserved better. Again, NC is a tool to help you move on and heal. You block and ignore, because you will not tolerate, will not accept and are completely ready to move on. This is NC. Engaging text messages and receiving them, because you are still somewhat hopeful or needing the attention to validate you mean something, will only hurt you even more. You can't waffle between NC and contact. There is no way of understanding toxic behavior. People manipulate for their own selfish reasons. Are you hoping to hear that he is texting because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you? Why place emphasis on his contact now when you should be placing emphasis on his disrespectful treatment towards you and cutting him off? Unfortunately, these types don't really care what you want. They just want what they want. They want you back because you were a fallback, a crutch, security while they cheated. That's why they cheat behind your back and pretend as though they love you when in your company. You were a comfortable resting place while they played. You can tell him you will not take him back and that you deserve better as many times as you want. Again, it's not about what you want. If his contact is derailing your NC efforts, then block him. If you choose not to, then you can't complain about it. It's your responsibility. And please don't try to make sense of his behavior. You will never find an answer that will make you feel any better or any more valued.
imstatic Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Sorry, I'm new here and haven't read all your posts, but the answer to your question could be very simple. Maybe he just needs a place to stay or is confortable living with you. After all, noone likes to be thrown out on the street. "He said he has lost his home, he lost me, he has lost everything etc and he is sad and he knows I don't believe him." Did he really say it in that order? You're in second place. 1. Lost home. 2. Lost you. 3. Lost everything. He should should have said "he lost you" and that's it! Nothing more, nothing less. In my experience, everytime you confront someone, the truth sublimely comes out. For instance: when I confronted my ex about why she was seeing so many other guys while claiming she was in love with me, she said: "I refused at first, I tried, but then I just couldn't". Somehow I ignored parts of our conversation and didn't pick it up right away due to the heat of the moment, but 1 year after it came to me. Don't do that to yourself and stick with NC, you're not House MD and this isn't a puzzle to be solved. Here are my suggestions if you chose to accept them: - If you're having trouble with the NC, change your phone numbers. Try to discretely change your work number extension. - Block his facebook, twitter and delete his photos. - Donate or throw away the stuff that remind you of him. Good luck
Author rie05 Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Sorry, I'm new here and haven't read all your posts, but the answer to your question could be very simple. Maybe he just needs a place to stay or is confortable living with you. After all, noone likes to be thrown out on the street. "He said he has lost his home, he lost me, he has lost everything etc and he is sad and he knows I don't believe him." Did he really say it in that order? You're in second place. 1. Lost home. 2. Lost you. 3. Lost everything. He should should have said "he lost you" and that's it! Nothing more, nothing less. In my experience, everytime you confront someone, the truth sublimely comes out. For instance: when I confronted my ex about why she was seeing so many other guys while claiming she was in love with me, she said: "I refused at first, I tried, but then I just couldn't". Somehow I ignored parts of our conversation and didn't pick it up right away due to the heat of the moment, but 1 year after it came to me. Don't do that to yourself and stick with NC, you're not House MD and this isn't a puzzle to be solved. Here are my suggestions if you chose to accept them: - If you're having trouble with the NC, change your phone numbers. Try to discretely change your work number extension. - Block his facebook, twitter and delete his photos. - Donate or throw away the stuff that remind you of him. Good luck I think you're spot on there. He is not homeless. He is living at his Nans. I had to re-read the text. It was in response to something I said. It auctally didn't say "I lost you". It said "I lost everything too. I lost my home". I think that says it all huh!!! I'm sticking to NC no matter what. His post still comes here so he uses that as an excuse to speak to me. I already have deleted him from FB and Twitter (need to block!) I will have to think about changing my number if he keeps on. I can't change my work number because its a public business number. Pretty much got rid of everything of his... I know I just want to move on from this...
Author rie05 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 He keeps sending breadcrumb messages... Today he sent... "Thinking of you :(" So hard not to reply!! Posting here instead
geegirl Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 He keeps sending breadcrumb messages... Today he sent... "Thinking of you :(" So hard not to reply!! Posting here instead Turn that crumb around. I bet he was thinking of you and the pain he'd be causing you when he was on top of those women. Don't romanticize him. Remind yourself of who he is. Grasp reality.
Author rie05 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Turn that crumb around. I bet he was thinking of you and the pain he'd be causing you when he was on top of those women. Don't romanticize him. Remind yourself of who he is. Grasp reality. I have been trying!! And that is exactly what I have been telling myself!!!! It's not easy tho!!!
geegirl Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I have been trying!! And that is exactly what I have been telling myself!!!! It's not easy tho!!! Then it must boil down to your self-respect. If anything, you have to at least want to hold on to that? What do you teach a cheater when you allow him back into your life? That's it's okay to cheat some more because you will tolerate bad behavior. Look, you identify it as crumbs. Treat it as such. Which is harder? Bearing the discomfort temporarily or going back to a cheater and agonizing indefinitely? Don't take the easy way out. He is the bearer of pain. His crumbs won't comfort you. It will hurt you.
NeverPlayaPlayer Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 its all about his ego, from the cheating to now that he's losing and not winning....
Author rie05 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Then it must boil down to your self-respect. If anything, you have to at least want to hold on to that? What do you teach a cheater when you allow him back into your life? That's it's okay to cheat some more because you will tolerate bad behavior. Look, you identify it as crumbs. Treat it as such. Which is harder? Bearing the discomfort temporarily or going back to a cheater and agonizing indefinitely? Don't take the easy way out. He is the bearer of pain. His crumbs won't comfort you. It will hurt you. Of course I want to hang on to my self respect and of course I want him to know there is no way I would let him do that to me. It is crumbs... and perhaps now he realises I'm not interested as it has dwindled to one text a day... It doesn't make it easy tho....
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