Author TexAggie1 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) There are a few other details that I held of to tell...but this is anonymous enough that I suppose I could share: 1) she was molested by her grandfather when she was a kid. 2) her mom hid the grandfather issue from CPS (child protective services) to protect him 3) her dad was physically abusive to her when she was a kid, hadn't talked to him in 20 years. 4) She was married before...he was an alcoholic and gambled all her nursing school money away. 5) She doesn't trust ANYONE...except her best friend. 6) She slept with someone way back in January. It took me a while to figure that all out, about a month. I loved her too much to let go...so I forgave her. You might ask why I stuck around and accepted all of this. I fell for her, and understood that it wasn't right to judge her. She has some bad self esteem issues as a result of her past. I'd spend many days trying to pick her back up when she would spiral down. I accepted her faults just as much as her assets. I kills me that she can't do the same for me, because in the end...I'm not even close to perfect. Edited December 10, 2012 by TexAggie1
TaraMaiden Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 hate me for this if you want. You're justifying her behaviour and what you did while you were with her, was to enable it. I'm not about to go into details - not because of shame or embarrassment, but because it's past, trivial, unimportant, insignificant and entirely redundant. But I have what can broadly be termed as a 'troubled past' too. My mistake was to use it - unconsciously - as a crutch. A reason. A rationale behind the screwed-up kid I was. "I can't help it, it's because of *this*, *that* and *the other*!!" Counselling only helps as far as the person being counselled (a) finds the right counsellor, and (b) does the heavy work for themselves. But neither you - nor any professional counsellor - can 'fix' her. This work is personal. It's tough, it's demoralising, can be soul-destroying and very very difficult to overcome. But it can be done. I did it. It wasn't easy (LS understatement of the Year!) but I finally came to realise that in order to move on and heal, I had to stop using past experience as current reason for present/future mistakes. But I had to realise that for myself, no matter how many people had already told me. You need to look out for yourself. healing and moving on, is up to her.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 All I would do is listen to her, not much else I could say really. I come from a great family with not NEAR the issues hers has. The only family she has is her mom and sister, and those are some very strained relationships. I never really tried to "fix" her, instead I tried to be the only stable thing in her life. The lying to her about my discussions with my ex REALLY WAS about not bringing that drama into our relationship. I didn't want it to drive her away, because me ex has been known to be crazy. I'm NOT making excuses for myself, I'm honestly telling you what was going on in my head at the time. I know I handled it badly and should have given her the opportunity to work through it with me. She would tell me I emotionally cheated on her for 6 months with my ex, and that's much worse that physically cheating with someone. I can assure you...I was NOT emotionally cheating with my ex. That emotion was gone a LONG time before. I can only assume her sudden anger with me about something that happened 7 months ago is her lumping me in the same group as every other man who has hurt her. ...and still no contact since Thanksgiving.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 But neither you - nor any professional counsellor - can 'fix' her. This work is personal. It's tough, it's demoralising, can be soul-destroying and very very difficult to overcome. But it can be done. I did it. It wasn't easy (LS understatement of the Year!) but I finally came to realise that in order to move on and heal, I had to stop using past experience as current reason for present/future mistakes. But I had to realise that for myself, no matter how many people had already told me. You need to look out for yourself. healing and moving on, is up to her. I know I brought some of this out in her, very unintentional. Sometimes I feel like if I had been honest with Jenn, she would have still reacted the same way. It's just so foreign to me how the last 8 months had been so great, yet she held this grudge the entire time...then broke the whole thing off. She told me she can't forgive me like I forgave her...that I'm better than her in that way (I know it's her past effecting this). I told her previous roomate the next time they talk, to encourage her to find a counsellor to talk to. She had one previously and really liked him till she moved to my city, and it seemed to help things. They aren't necessarily a "fix", but they can go a long way in putting her back on a path for her to start healing again. Although we aren't on speaking terms right now, I still care a great deal about her...and worry about her daily.
Tmo2 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) My last girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up broke up with me two months ago. We were very happy together in the first 2years, then I slowly changed ( i started smoking pot and playing video games) In the end I made her feel unloved. I was acting lazy and I had lost all my ambitions. I stopped taking care of her the right way (I was getting needy) She finally left. Since that day (not long ago) I have done a 180 on myself, I have improved on so many ways. But you know what - She's not coming back. She met another guy. It is very hard for me to accept. I took her for granted. I was her first boyfriend, and I was looking forward to be with her in the long run. I broke her heart this summer because I was confused. Since then it all came crashing down. I tried chasing her a bit, we spoke about once a week since the breakup...I tried telling her how I am changing, and things will be better... I had hope, I took every small detail as a sign that it could come back. I have read tons and tons of stories and articles... But in the end it all comes down to looking forward - to your future, where are you going? Listen to what she says. - Its over - ''Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay'' - Will Smith. Edited December 11, 2012 by Tmo2 1
Tmo2 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Try to focus all the energy you are using thinking about her, to think about yourself, what do you want etc etc. Make some goals for yourself. Then start working on achieving them. I also have an obsession for my ex. But for 2 or 3 days now I feel that it is burdening me, and it is keeping me from being 100% me. I am neglecting things in my life currently because I spend so much time thinking about her. I spend numerous hours on the internet feeding my hopes that it can work. My heart is so strong and telling me not to give up. But you must! Focusing on yourself is the upmost important thing. Happiness comes from within. Stop chasing after her. Stop chasing. You are not confused about your love -She is" So Stop chasing. She only wants happiness, as we all do- You told her in many ways that you are still there for her and you love her. Now STOP CHASING- If she believes she will be happy with you, she will return 100%. 1
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Something I noticed the other day... She defriended me on FB the last time we talked (day before Thanksgiving), been NC since. BUT...she is still friends will all my family and friends. Am I reading into this a bit? ...or could there be a little something to it?
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 ...perhaps I'm overthinking things, reaching for anything to hold on to.
Tmo2 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Yep, but keep your chin up. This is an obstacle you need to overcome, be strong and learn the hidden lesson. Truth will reveal itself in time and happiness will come back
Simon Phoenix Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Something I noticed the other day... She defriended me on FB the last time we talked (day before Thanksgiving), been NC since. BUT...she is still friends will all my family and friends. Am I reading into this a bit? ...or could there be a little something to it? Completely overthinking it. That means nothing.
LostOne1 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Sounds like me man... same thing exactly for me. Life hit me hard and I couldn't keep her happy and myself and anyone else. After losing her it's almost like we have to learn the hard way. And maybe THAT IS what we NEEDED. To go through this pain and LEARN the HARD way. My goals now are to better myself. Because at the end of the day... that's the only thing I can get out of it as a positive. I've lost so much already and something good needs to come out of it.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Quoting myself from my initial post: A few months before we broke up, she moved to my city for a new job and because of me. She temporarily moved in until her apartment lease was up from her previous location. She asked me if she could permanently move in, but I declined. My reasons were I had done the “move in thing” before, and it blew up in my face. Also, I’ve been preparing to move out of my house, so I thought it silly to move all her stuff in, then turn around and move it all out again. She found an apartment shortly thereafter. After that, she changed in her interactions with me. My house is FINALLY ready to be put on the market, a sign will be in my yard tomorrow AS PROMISED. I feel like taking a picture of it, then texting it to her saying "As I promised, I wasn't making excuses".
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 ...or even better when it says SOLD! My point would be, she assumed the worst when I declined her moving in, and ignored the truth. I really was intending to get my house in the market, cut that last "Kristy" sting, and starting new with Jenn. It wasn't just words, here's the action!
Simon Phoenix Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 No, don't send the picture. It'll be a lot more effective when she finds out by other means, and she will.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Well...quite the progression. I'm getting a "for sale" sign in front of my house today. Now looking forward to it reading "sold"! I do have a question. My ex doesn't really have much family, and the friends she has here in town are only people she has known for a few months. Christmas is a HUGE time for her, and I know she is more than likely lonely. I really want to get her the gift I wanted to get her most the year and mail it to her with a card and a small note. I really do want her to have a Merry Christmas, but I also don't want to cross any kind of line. I don't want her thinking that she's not thought of. If you read above, she has seem pretty terrible self esteem...she might look at it as "see, you really didn't care" if I don't send something. Thoughts?
Simon Phoenix Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Well...quite the progression. I'm getting a "for sale" sign in front of my house today. Now looking forward to it reading "sold"! I do have a question. My ex doesn't really have much family, and the friends she has here in town are only people she has known for a few months. Christmas is a HUGE time for her, and I know she is more than likely lonely. I really want to get her the gift I wanted to get her most the year and mail it to her with a card and a small note. I really do want her to have a Merry Christmas, but I also don't want to cross any kind of line. I don't want her thinking that she's not thought of. If you read above, she has seem pretty terrible self esteem...she might look at it as "see, you really didn't care" if I don't send something. Thoughts? Bad idea jeans. Don't do it. A gift is more likely to bring awkwardness than joy. This would not be a good thing for you to do.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 DAMN IT! This isn't fair...NOT the way the last few months were suppose to go. SHE convinced me of that! I'm crawling out of my skin to talk to her like we once did. SO F'ING CONFUSED why she suddenly turned so hostile towards me! ok, rant over.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 ...at least send a "Merry Christmas" message? Is NC that strict?
Simon Phoenix Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 ...at least send a "Merry Christmas" message? Is NC that strict? Um, No Contact means no contact. It's pretty straightforward. Don't do it, while it feels like the "proper" thing to do, it will only cause more second-guessing and pain. You need to step back.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 So if you really read my story...and word gets out to her that I have a "for sale" sign in my front yard, will that make much difference to her? I wasn't just talk, I actually meant it and put it into action.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 So if you really read my story...and word gets out to her that I have a "for sale" sign in my front yard, will that make much difference to her? I wasn't just talk, I actually meant it and put it into action. I have no idea. I don't know her. But it has a better chance of working if she thinks you did it to move forward in your life than if she thinks it's a stunt to try to impress her, which is how it would come off if you texted her a picture of the "For Sale" sign.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Yea, I get it. I'm continuing NC. The tough part is mutual friends that know her and I also tell me they don't know why and what she's thinking in all of this. It's shocked a lot of them as well, she tells them she "doesn't want to revisit it" and "is done with everything". She has a LOT of anger that she's feeling right now...maybe been pinned up the last 8 months. SO MUCH has happened since then positive in our relationship, I just continue to hold out hope once the anger subsides, she will think more clearly.
TaraMaiden Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 ...at least send a "Merry Christmas" message? No. Is NC that strict? Yes.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 So sending a gift is out of the question...alright, I get it.
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Saying/Doing ANYTHING that can be construed as Contact is out of the question. Including keeping her number in your phone. That's a form of contact. Why? Because you've still left an avenue open, which can be negotiated, exploited and used at any time to drive yet another knife-blade into your heart. Delete. And. Block. The. Damn. Number. NOW. There is absolutely, definitely, positively no logical, rational reason for you continuing to keep it. At all. Not a one. And remember what I said about 'Hope'....
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