Author TexAggie1 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 It's been 2 weeks...so that's a start I suppose. Unless I get a "I think we should talk" or "I'm sorry how I've acted" message from her, I'm not planning on replying. However, the tone of her messages and what she said 2 weeks ago, and last night tells me I won't be getting ANY messages at all. Although the way she is talking to me is VERY out of character for her, she was pretty direct.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 go No Contact and concentrate on living life to the full without her, without talking to her, without checking up on her, without discussing her with others, without any form of contact, verbal, visual, physical or anything else. This is the hard part. Turning off that switch to imagine life without her, after SHE started the marriage talks. That made me confident she was ready to take it to the next level...and that was just a month before all of this started.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 This is the hard part. Turning off that switch to imagine life without her, after SHE started the marriage talks. That made me confident she was ready to take it to the next level...and that was just a month before all of this started. Once you realize that all the stuff she said before the break-up is null and void, the better off you'll be. 1
hcar6619 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 It sounds to me as if she has extreme self-esteem issues. And maybe dumped you, before (she imagined) you could dump her. She's reluctant to let you move on though, because you're like the proverbial 'security blanket' soft place to fall guy. Good move. Keep it up.... You should be my psychiatrist!!! I need told this stuff daily! Going through the same stuff he is, these are some great replies!
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Once you realize that all the stuff she said before the break-up is null and void, the better off you'll be. I don't know that it was. She repeatedly told me after the initial breakup a month and a half ago that she loved me, missed me...but can't be with someone she doesn't trust. I think she has been battling with this since, and may still be. But I'm not reaching out to her to find out at this point after how she left things. I know contacting her will only make things worse.
TaraMaiden Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 At this juncture, it - doesn't - matter. Nothing matters any more. The only thing that matters is that you stop agonising about all this, analysing it, and wondering. You won't get clear-cut satisfactory answers to any of this. None of it. The only thing left to you now, is to take a deep breath, let it out, and start things anew for yourself.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Really wishing I had post here when the breakup first happened. I would have taken a much harder line on responding to her calls/messages to me throughout this entire month. Now I look like a puppy dog kicked to the curb.
LostOne1 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Really wishing I had post here when the breakup first happened. I would have taken a much harder line on responding to her calls/messages to me throughout this entire month. Now I look like a puppy dog kicked to the curb. same here... if I had done that.. things might be better now or at least less painful. But hey it's ALL about learning at this point. Now you learned something and know what to do in a similar situation. So that's what you need to take out of this now.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 Is "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" just a cute phrase, or is there something to it?
LostOne1 Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 Is "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" just a cute phrase, or is there something to it? well it goes both ways as I hear.. it can help and it can hurt.. My guess on it is that SHORT term absense makes the heart grow fonder. But Long timer absense doesn't... I mean I don't have feelings for my past ex's... so it can't be true. But for my recent ex I do feel it. But then again it's been only a few months. So my guess is it's true to a certain time frame. Then it is no longer true.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 well it goes both ways as I hear.. it can help and it can hurt.. My guess on it is that SHORT term absense makes the heart grow fonder. But Long timer absense doesn't... I mean I don't have feelings for my past ex's... so it can't be true. But for my recent ex I do feel it. But then again it's been only a few months. So my guess is it's true to a certain time frame. Then it is no longer true. I don't agree with this at all. The longer you stay away, the more the negative is repelled. At least that's been my experience.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 I only ask because I miss her a great deal, almost sent her a text last night. I just wonder if she feels the same as time goes on.
cavalier99 Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 (edited) NO she doesn't miss you. I KNOW my EX doest miss me. Know how? Because this is what I tell myself. I understand your question and I also wondered about this, but is just our egos. Unfortunately it is a pointless question that wont be answered and doesn't help your healing. Assume she doesn't. Also assume she is f-ing some one else and is happy. This will help you let go of hope. And get on with your recovery without worrying about what she is thinking. Doesn't matter because they are not in our lives AT ALL. NC The reality is they might think of us sometimes. But probably not much. And obviously not enough to change anything. If she did miss you sometimes would it even make you feel any better? She loved you at one point and it was real but not any more. Otherwise they would be with us. Sorry bud. Edited December 8, 2012 by cavalier99
cavalier99 Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 (edited) Now as far as philosophical debate. I think that guys for the most part have a harder time recovering. Especially us guy dumpees. But when we do recover there is no going back "for most of us". We KILL all those feelings with work, time, and new conquests. 100 percent over. I think our female dumper exs get in relationships faster and numb any hurt..but it could still work out as they were more READY to move on while we were oblivious for the most part. Later in life (if they aren't is a relationship ie alone) i think females idealize their past relationships more (at least the ones that were true love) and are more willing to try again if one of us shows up. They need contact more ..not all but more (my opinion) Of course this is just general speculation based on my subset of observation/ and discussions with girlfriends etcetera Edited December 8, 2012 by cavalier99
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 She loved you at one point and it was real but not any more. Otherwise they would be with us. Sorry bud. She was over at my place a few days after the breakup, picking up some of her stuff. We talked for a bit, then she started crying, hugging me, and saying "why did you do this to us?". She loved me (maybe still does), but she can't get over what happened 8 months ago...and in her mind can't have a relationship with someone she doesn't trust. I can only assume that she is bitter now, not wanting to revisit getting back together, because she's been overthinking the situation. I asked that question because honestly, this situation is NOT worth breaking a relationship over. Yes, I lied to her on several occasions 7 months ago to not bring her into the drama of me ending a 6 year relationship with my ex (again, we weren't dating when I met Jenn). The result was always going to be the same in severing that relationship, whether I told her or not...it was NEVER about keeping that relationship alive. The last 7 months have been INCREDIBLE, and SHE is the one that initiated all the marriage, move in, kids talks. She ended it because she tried to get over it, and couldn't after 7 months. Her horrible past as a child as made her very jaded when it comes to trusting people, and it's worked into our relationship (my fault of course). My HOPE is over time, with no contact...the negative will tend to fade, while who I REALLY am as the person she fell in love with will be realized.
cavalier99 Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 (edited) She was over at my place a few days after the breakup, picking up some of her stuff. We talked for a bit, then she started crying, hugging me, and saying "why did you do this to us?". She loved me (maybe still does), but she can't get over what happened 8 months ago...and in her mind can't have a relationship with someone she doesn't trust. I can only assume that she is bitter now, not wanting to revisit getting back together, because she's been overthinking the situation. I asked that question because honestly, this situation is NOT worth breaking a relationship over. Yes, I lied to her on several occasions 7 months ago to not bring her into the drama of me ending a 6 year relationship with my ex (again, we weren't dating when I met Jenn). The result was always going to be the same in severing that relationship, whether I told her or not...it was NEVER about keeping that relationship alive. The last 7 months have been INCREDIBLE, and SHE is the one that initiated all the marriage, move in, kids talks. She ended it because she tried to get over it, and couldn't after 7 months. Her horrible past as a child as made her very jaded when it comes to trusting people, and it's worked into our relationship (my fault of course). My HOPE is over time, with no contact...the negative will tend to fade, while who I REALLY am as the person she fell in love with will be realized. You have a point. However she either forgives you or doesn't and she decided to walk. You CANT wait or you may live in torment for an extended period. You have already apologised ecetera. It just sucks but unless she comes crying back you need to let go completely. It been like a month right? Doesnt look good irregardless of why. It sucks but you need to let go. Edited December 8, 2012 by cavalier99
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 It's been a month and a half since we were officially a couple, but we've talked off and on since. She would reach out to me most the time, I have twice. She has become very bitter at me for unknown reason, NOT because I've been contacting her...quite the opposite. She and I haven't reached out to one another in 2 weeks.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 9, 2012 Author Posted December 9, 2012 Came close to sending a text to Kristy today wanting to apologize on how I ended things...and texting Jenn as well. Instead, I came here. I feel so f'ing ridiculous right now.
Hopeful714 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Ok, Im going to take some flack for this but personally I think you made some pretty serious mistakes. The first one being your dishonesty. Secondly, I get the NC thing. I really do but sometimes on this board it seems to me everyone is so quick to jump to NC when in reality, If only people would COMMUNICATE maybe some things could be worked out. Yea it sounds like this girl had a bit of a rough go and has trust issues. You did not help this situation at all. I agree with the poster that said she may have got out because of fear or whatever. I could see myself doing that too. So she breaks up with you because you were dishonest. Ok. Then she texts and tells you she misses you but cant be with someone she doesn't trust and YOU GO SILENT? WTF? You missed your opportunity. She was awaiting for you to reassure her. To say something like you F'ed up with her, and that you realized it and it wont happen again. Yet you don't reply and are waiting for her to say SHE's sorry for breaking up (because YOU LIED). Im sorry....I find that messed up. Really really messed up. If you really love this girl like you claim, I am going to say take the chance and contact. Your depressed enough so if you get rejected oh well you will just be more of a beat up puppy. If I may also add...do this by talk communication as opposed to by text....lastly you better have it all planned out of what to say and it better be good. You dont have to beg but just be HONEST. Thats all the girl ever wanted to begin with ....good luck. Let us know what happens. Id really like to hear a happy ending for a change. 1
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 A happy ending to all this would be incredible, but hard to know what even to say after how she left it last a few weeks ago. Doubt she would even pick up the phone if I even called. I never would have imagined us where we are now just a few months ago. It's so depressing just thinking back on the entire year we've had.
Hopeful714 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Look...I dont want to give you bad advice. Or encourage you to do something that will hurt you further. But you are the one saying you are depressed, loved this girl and were prepared to look at rings. Is this really true? Are you positive about this? If your not...remain NC. If you are...read on... She's not seeing anyone. She has reached out to you...although silly you went NC. You say now she acts different. Well sure...I would too if I cared for someone and they were dishonest then blew me off and went NC when I tried to reach out to them. You didnt "fight" for her. She most likely thinks you dont care. If you REALLY want this girl give it one last shot. I dont know the whole story but to me, it sounds like there is a chance...but again, I dont want to give you bad advice. Its the holiday season...perfect time. Send a text...ask if she'd be willing to talk sometime. Then make the call or arrange a coffee date. If she rejects...well then you know book closed..move on. In the Dr Phil book "relationship rescue" he talks about how if you have done everything you can ...and still things arent working then its time to go. Now this does not apply to all situations but In this one I think it may. What do you have to lose? But really....if you do decide to contact make sure its what YOU REALLY want. Dont hurt this girl anymore or yourself by making promises you cant keep. 2
LostOne1 Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 A happy ending to all this would be incredible, but hard to know what even to say after how she left it last a few weeks ago. Doubt she would even pick up the phone if I even called. I never would have imagined us where we are now just a few months ago. It's so depressing just thinking back on the entire year we've had. I know how you feel buddy. If someone told me that me and my ex would be broken up... NO WAY I would have believed them at all. I mean me and my ex were getting close to 3 yrs, we shared University, we travelled together.. we did so many things we had NEVER done with anyone else before. So for us and especially me it was special. I'd never think of it ending. But now after 3 or so months.. I've slowly accepted it. My body and mind is USED to the fact that we don't text, call, see each other anymore. So I'm slowly getting and understanding the fact that it's REALLY over.. And I was in your state where I didn't want to accept it or believe it. It seemed so unreal, so fake.. like it was a bad nightmare and that tmrw everything would be back to normal again... But the fact is tmrw NEVER brought out normal. it brought out the REAL fact, which was it's OVER... and as my ex also said.. "it's over.. stop contacting me now and have some self respect and don't msg me ever again". Imagine seeing a text like that from your ex, who you were with for 3 yrs and shared the most amazing times with in your life. It's tough man.. but I feel stronger now A LOT stronger than I was when she BU and maybe even before. I've survived hell as it feels for me. Lost my grandma, ex girlfriend within 1 month apart. But it's made me stronger and given me a reason to become SUPER successful in life. I want to reach the top now. And I know this tough experience has given me a strength I never knew I had.... And soon you will see this strength in you too. Keep your head up buddy, you will get through this and if you need some help we will give ya some! 1
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 @Hopeful714... The last year has been the happiest I've ever been in my life. She earned my confidence in how she loved me, initiated marriage discussions, talk kids...a future. I'm 39 years old and NEVER hurt like this, not even close. I went from the happiest ever, to never been so sad in my life in such a short period of time. If you re-read the last part of my initial post, I wouldn't even know where to start in contacting her the way she left it. @LostOne1 Weird...I also buried my grandmother during all this, 2 days after Thanksgiving. Definitely has had an effect on my holiday season. It's been a month and a half, and it still feels like yesterday. 1
loversquarrel Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 She had a terrible childhood, doesn't have any family accept her mom and her sister. She doesn't get along with her mom well, and her sister is a bit of a flake. She's been married before, where he was an alcoholic and gambled all her nursing school money away. She has told me she doesn't trust ANYONE accept her best friend that lives states away. That baggage that she brought into our relationship is what is ultimately killing it. I say this as although what I did was wrong and I did lie about it, I don't justify it reasons to break the entire thing off. Now, for whatever reason, she is just bitter at me...based on our last week of communication. First - she can't be faulted for not trusting you. You effed up and were still involving yourself with another woman (who is clearly unstable, btw) Second - She doesn't seem to stable herself. You may want to consider moving on and starting over with someone free of such issues, and MAKE SURE YOU ARE SINGLE when you do. It helps make things less complicated for all.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 First - she can't be faulted for not trusting you. You effed up and were still involving yourself with another woman (who is clearly unstable, btw) Second - She doesn't seem to stable herself. You may want to consider moving on and starting over with someone free of such issues, and MAKE SURE YOU ARE SINGLE when you do. It helps make things less complicated for all. I was single when I met Jenn, but still friends with my ex. She still wanted to be in a relationship, I didn't...but I enjoyed our friendship (not a "friends with benefits situation). It's why it's not a good idea to be "friends" after a breakup, makes things complicated in the future.
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